Worry.....so much worry!

I’m trying to study but it is not working. My mom signed up for an art class on Wednesday nights so it is nice and quiet in the house- perfect for me to study and accomplish many things but I can’t focus. I sit here shaking with nerves and worry. My body is so messed up from stress or worry or both that it is all out of wack. I decided yesterday to stop taking those stupid pills the doctor told me to stick out. The doctor does not think stress pays a toll on your body but I beg to differ. Anyway, I was supposed to have that test tomorrow to see if I have any cancer in me but I had to reschedule as my body is once again not cooperating.

For a while I was determined it was going to be bad news. Then I read up on the test and what they are looking for just to set my mind at ease and know what to expect. Last week I was optimistic that it would all be a big mistake and they would find nothing wrong. This week after having to reschedule my test for the second time, I am not so sure. I would like to think the pills the doctor gave me are part of the problem, but who knows. I mean I have had nothing but trouble since I started taking them but he told me to stick it out and see if my body adjusts. Having your period 7 times in three months is not exactly adjusting. At this rate I will become anemic and pass out. But wait- isn’t anemia associated with low blood pressure? So why does mine fluctuate from completely normal to high with no constant in between?

And yes, in case you have not already figured it out, I am still checking my blood pressure religiously. I sit here day after day trying to figure out why. Not that I am big salt person, but I have been trying to be conscious of adding any extra salt to my meals and stay away from foods that I know are particularly salty which pretty much means anything my mom prepares as salt is her best friend. I feel bad, but I yell at her every day not to salt this or that or I refuse to eat anything she tries to feed me. Personally, I am convinced she is killing me slowly, but I’m sure there has to be an additional explanation.

They say knowledge is power and your mind is a powerful thing but in some cases it can be a detriment. I mean the more knowledge I gain about certain ailments, correlations between this and that, the more paranoid I become. Last week I was fine but I feel the school work is under control for now so I had some time to research some personal things. I read one thing that sets my mind at ease and give me hope it will all be OK and then I continue looking up stuff and it gets me to thinking and self diagnosis. So while I sit here trying to study, I am literally shaking with nerves and anxiety of what is to become. I tried, I really did to focus on other things, not automatically assume the worst, but how am I not supposed to. I mean is my body messed up because of the pills or is there seriously something wrong with me? Do I have cancer…..do I need to have parts of my reproductive system removed…… has anything spread elsewhere in my body? Why is my blood pressure so erratic? Maybe there is a problem with my heart….maybe I should go see a cardiologist! Why do I have circulatory issues with my hands and feet? I have always had them but are they getting worse…….are they related to anything else…..maybe I need to see a vascular surgeon. You see what I mean about the mind being an evil thing as well as a good thing?

I try not to let the thoughts get the best of me, but how can I make them stop. I go to bed every night and I pray that I am healthy and it is a mistake. I pray every night that my brother’s wife has a healthy baby and I am around to enjoy him or her. I thank God every night for all the good that has happened in my life thus far despite all the tragedies I have faced and I pray for many, many more years to enjoy them.

People tell me that there is no reason to worry until there is something to worry about. Well I do admit that I have a bad habit of worrying unnecessarily but how can I not. This is no little matter. I mean it could be- or it could be something that could kill me. I don’t want to end up like my father. Granted he died way too young, but he had about another 15 years – maybe 16 or 17 before he was diagnosed with something that he battled for another 7 or 8 years before he passed away. I just want to know the diagnosis and the longer I have to push out the test, the worse the anticipation gets. So now we are headed into April in 2 days and my birthday is soon approaching. I have no idea how long the test results take, but if it is bad news, I certainly don’t want for that to be my birthday present from the doctor. I mean talk about hating your birthday forever. It should be a time of new beginnings, new challenges, and new accomplishments in your life. New milestones- not new battles and endings to all the happiness you have built. Bad news would be like a giant cloud covering up every color in the rainbow I spent years trying to find. I like my rainbow and I want to continue to see it grow- each color getting wider and wider adding new colors along the way. I’ve been through so much and I deserve to have the best rainbow ever…..please don’t take that away from me.

I read one horoscope today that talked about this being a year of health concerns for me and that as a Taurus, I am patient and don’t give up easily and that I should use that same patients and mentality to confront any health related issues I may face this year that seem confusing to me. I don’t want to battle health concerns- I want to take on more fulfilling challenges in life. They say God does not give you any more than you can handle, but can I please catch a break? Each time I say I am not strong enough to handle certain situations and each time I manage to endure. I am tough and I am a fighter who doesn’t give up, but I am not prepared to take on this challenge. I am afraid I am going to loose everything I have worked so hard for- everything good in my life. I am afraid I will hurt, devastate, stress and burden everyone around me. I’m just afraid period!

Many of you may not know me, it is not like I even have that many followers or people that will stumble upon this, but if you do, say a little pray for me because if I knew you had something troubling your mind, I would pray for you. I start every prayer by asking God to watch over my friends and family and keep them safe, happy and healthy. I then pray for those less fortunate than myself. Today I may be that person less fortunate that you. I am not a super religious person by any means, but I believe there is a higher power and there is a plan for all of us. I very much believe that things happen for a reason and that we may not always understand it at the time. Religious or not, just take two minutes out of your day and pray that my “plan” is to be healthy and not sickly. It may serve no purpose, yet it can’t hurt either…..so send those positive vibes my way if you wouldn’t mind.


Until I write (or worry) again…….