When you hear the phrase “life is very unpredictable” or “you never know where life is going to take you”- believe it.
In one of my last few entries I told you that I had just went online and found out that after years of waiting and years or marital torment, my divorce ironically was made official on Valentine’s Day. I now have a new found respect for and reason to celebrate that “Hallmark holiday”. Last week I was on divorce high and knowing that I was no longer associated in any way with a man that should a) be behind bars and b) be in a psych ward somewhere was an amazing feeling. All week I smiled from ear to ear and nothing was going to take that smile off my face. I was going around the office telling everyone I was a free woman. Anyone that had even heard one or two of the stories of what my ex put me through was so excited for me. Hell, I was excited for myself. I almost got a group of people together last minute and threw myself a divorce party, but I didn’t.
I did however go out to celebrate with my family as soon as I found out. Now way back when I first separated from my ex, my mother found a decal that you iron on your shirt that said “Finally Free” with some butterflies around it. At the time she told me that I should put it on a T-shirt and wear it proudly, but I never felt I was completely FREE until this past Valentine’s day. So I took that decal and I put it in the file cabinet with my separation agreement and other divorce documentation and waited, and waited and waited. When I thought I was close, I bought a T-shirt to iron it on. Then the seasons changed and I needed to buy another T-shirt….. and then another. Finally I gave up - how was I supposed to know that my lawyer was going to let my paperwork sit on her desk for over 6 months collecting dust.
Well the night I found out it was “official” I called my mom who called my brother and we planned a little dinner party. Of course, my first order of the day was to stop off at a store on the way home to buy a new T-shirt. As luck would have it, my mother called to say she was running a bit late as she had to run a quick errand. As it turns out; she went out to buy a T-shirt as well. She came home with a few, as did I and with T-shirts everywhere, we decided which was the best one and we proudly ironed my “Finally Free” decal onto a T-shirt which I proudly wore to dinner that evening. It wasn’t done intentionally, but I wanted the decal a little off to the side and it ended up over my right breast. When I arrived at the restaurant and saw my brother, I pulled my jacket to the side and said “Look”. His initial reaction was, “Why are you showing me your boob?” When I told him to read it, he began to laugh as did everyone else.
Since I had not worn the T-shirt for too long and it was now one of my favorites, I decided to wear it again on the weekend when I went out with my boyfriend. We went to a museum- nothing to write home about, and the mall where I was looking for a necklace my sister wanted for her birthday. This of course had me in a jewelry store with my man. He had been hinting for weeks now about what kind of ring I wanted, the cut, size, color of the metal etc. I’m not sure if I had told you, but the conversation made me somewhat uncomfortable. He had mentioned to me in the past that he was thinking of maybe June and wanted to save up some so I figured he was just starting to get some ideas. But I think part of me feeling uncomfortable is that I pushed my ex to hurry up and ask me and we all know how that turned out. (In all fairness, it took him 9 years to do so.) There is also this girl at work that is itching for a ring. That is all she talks about. She nags her poor boyfriend every chance she gets and I swore I would never be like her. I also know that after being married and having it fall apart, a ring is meant as a symbol and big or small, expensive or cheap- it really is just a piece of jewelry that can be lost, stolen or in the case of much of my jewelry- sold by the one who gave it to you.
My boyfriend is a good person, he is honest, respectful, caring and he has been working so hard over the past year to save up to move back into his house, pay off all his debt and start a better life for himself and possibly one day us. There is the part of me that feels if something is meant to be- it will be and I was not about to force it. I was never going to be the one to push for a ring, nag about it or make him feel pressured. And after seeing how hard he is working and how much he is saving- I certainly was not going to be the one to ask him to take his hard earned money and spend it on me. And so every time he would ask what kind of ring I wanted, I would feel uncomfortable talking about it. I also did not think we were at that point yet. We had just decided to move in together and were going to work through those details. Apparently after my past experiences I am a bit skeptical and have some commitment issues.
Anyway, we were in the jewelry store looking for my sister and my boyfriend manages to make his way to the engagement ring counter and starts asking me what I like. He was asking if I like “this” or “that” trying to get me to react or open up. Honestly, I was not of much help and when one lady came over to tell me to try a few on, I was out of there like a bat out of hell. Talk about uncomfortable.
Now before I bore you with more details, let me move along. I told you that I had celebrated my divorce with my family. Originally my boyfriend wanted for just the two of us to celebrate but that ended up not being the case. Sometime mid last week he got the idea to go to brunch at a place I was hinting that I wanted to go to. He decided we would go- just the two of us to “celebrate”. I explained that my divorce did not need to turn into a one week celebration but he insisted. So on Sunday, February 20, 2011, my boyfriend and I went out to have brunch and celebrate what I thought was the last of my divorce excitement. He started off the brunch by offering a toast “To new beginnings” which I did not give much thought to at the time. It turns out it really was to new beginnings.
So here we are having brunch. The food is so scrumptious and this couple sits down midway through and are talking about their wedding which they apparently just booked. They were talking about all the vendors they have selected and that they were just 9 months out. Nine months out? What was she doing- giving birth? At this point, I am laughing at them because after being married once and seeing the money you waste by being caught up in that “special moment”, it becomes comical when you see others basically getting caught up in the same thing. Now normally my boyfriend would be laughing right alongside me. We both had the big expensive weddings and in the past when he asked me if I would ever consider getting married again, I do recall telling him “possibly, but it would be small and I would NEVER go crazy and spend the money I had in the past.” This past summer as he was helping me print out invitation and get stuff done for my brother’s wedding we both made comments like – “been there, done that- not going back.” I am not so sure it is the actual idea of marriage I am against as much as the production and financial burden it becomes to put on a “show” for the rest of your friends and family. I mean when you get down to it- people get married in a simple Vegas weddings and live happily for years and years. Then you have the celebrities that have million dollar weddings and in a year they are on the cover of some tabloid that they are breaking up. Anyway, the point I am making is that you get caught up and do like everyone else the first time around and after that- you start to see that marriage is not about the money or the “show”.
So here I am at the table laughing at these people. Normally my boyfriend would have been laughing right with me but all the sudden he gets this serious look on his face and he says, “Stop laughing at them. It is not funny.” “Since when is it not funny?” I reply as I raise my champagne glass and said “Here’s to divorce!” Again, he tells me that it is not funny. When I again ask why it is not funny he tells me, “I will tell you in a minute.” By this point he is starting to act weird- checking his watch, acting so serious when normally he would be joining in on the fun. And then there is me- still laughing at these fools about to throw thousands of dollars away on a wedding to possibly end up like me one day. By this time I am curious why it is not funny so I again repeat, “Tell me why it is not funny.” He tells me, “That it just isn’t .” Apparently he informed me that I would see why in a minute and “Let them have their moment.” A bit confused I let it go but when he started checking his watch yet again, I thought it was a bit odd. By this point, I am thinking maybe he has something planned and we are supposed to go somewhere after this that I don’t know about. But he is normally not a clock watcher so what gives?
Some time had passed but I am still sitting there trying to figure it out and the more he looks at the time, the more I question “Tell me why I am not laughing”. Next thing you know this ring box gets placed on the table. I had already told you he had been heavily hinting about what type of ring I wanted, what was the size of my ring finger etc. etc. Since he was so persistent with the size of my finger, I gave him an old ring that was still a bit too big and told him to just take it. At the time, I thought he would be holding onto it for a while but I was not overly concerned about getting it back in a timely fashion.
So here we are sitting at brunch, I am laughing at these people and he is being all serious telling me to “let them have their moment” when a box comes across the table. He says, “OH, by the way, here is your ring back.” At this point I am starting to suspect that something is up but it was the old box I gave him so he did not lose my ring carrying it around lose. I take the box, say “Thank you” and throw it into my purse without thinking. (OK…. so maybe I was thinking a little but I was also thinking “it couldn’t be”.) I was part watching his reaction as I was now turning serious too trying to figure out why the couple spending their life savings on a wedding was all the sudden not funny to him.
Cool as a cucumber my boyfriends says, “You know…when they were looking at your ring, the guy said it is worth more than you think it is.” To this I just replied, “OK.” He counters with, “NO, really I think it is worth a lot more than you think. You should take a look.” Starting to suspect something by this time but still thinking “this couldn’t be”, I calmly reply back “that’s OK, I know what it looks like.” Waiting to see his next move he says, “You really should take a look. It is a much better ring than you think.” Now with my heart pounding out of my chest, I take the ring from my purse and cautiously open the box to discover that this old ring box I lent him now contains a brand new, sparkly, shinny diamond ring.
If I am being honest with you, from this point on, everything is a giant blur. I think I may have looked up and said, “What are you doing?” and then “Are you sure about this?” He told me later what he said and it was quite beautiful but I unfortunately recall none of it. I was too taken off guard, thinking “oh my God people are starting to stare at me” and thinking “now I know why it was not funny and he told me to let them have their moment”. I recall him making some sort of speech….blah, blah, blah….I would like you to be my wife. Or was it I would like you to marry me? I told you it is all a blur. I was only half listening because I was in shock and knowing that he rushed into things the first time, I was questioning if he was sure. All I know is after the will you be my wife or will you marry me one day speech, I managed to muster out the words “Of course.”
I do have to admit that the timing was a bit odd and there is a part of me that wishes he had waited or at least separated the two events but when I entitled my blog From one extreme to the next, I was not kidding. From divorce to engaged in less than a weeks’ time.
I never saw this one coming- I honestly did not. Parts of me were suspecting that it might be sooner than I thought but like I said, I was thinking the entire time leading up to this day “it couldn’t be”. I guess in the end I was wrong and this only goes to show you that in the game of life anything is possible and I do mean anything. Life has been very tough on me over the past few years, but my rainbow is starting to expand nicely in that big blue sky above my head. Many a times I have wanted to give up, take the easy route, do what others do and not push myself or keep fighting the good fight when times got touch. There was a time when I gave up on love and thought anyone that got married was a complete and utter fool. At the time I separated from my ex I honestly believe that was it- the best life had to offer and there was nothing more to life than my troubling memories. He was mentally abusive towards me on top of everything else and told me that no one would ever put up with me - that no one would ever love me. He even went so far as to say that my dead Grandmother told him in a dream that if I were to go on and meet someone else, I would eventually be beaten as this new person would be physically abusive. He manipulated me and tried to control me and he tried to make me think I was this rotten person with all sorts of unacceptable flaws. It took a lot of courage and strength to leave him, but if living with him was all life had to offer, I was prepared to take my chances.
I went through some very hard times in life, in love and with my divorce. I saw a quote one day and I read it every day. It kept me going during my darkest hours and to this day, it has proven to be correct and I am so glad I believed it to be true at the time. I’d like to share that with you today. It goes like this:
By going through changes in our lives, we often have to suffer a loss or feel a loss. But very often, this loss is replaced with something which turns out to be better than we imagined. The only way to know what awaits you is to choose to work through it and Embrace the Power of Change.
Until I write again…..
Friday, February 25, 2011
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Mr. Wonderful and the Best Valentine’s Day gift EVER!
I am so excited to report some news to you that I started writing this at work in the event I did not have time tonight. I was going to have my next blog entry entitled “Mr. Wonderful” because my boyfriend really is just that but he has pointed out that I most often portray him in the least favorable light online. To this I would like to formally apologize to him.
He did see my blog or a portion of it the other day and noticed I was a bit upset about Valentine’s Day so he did come over last night with flowers. Of course it was close to 10pm at that point and I was in the middle of a crisis which is why I thought he had stopped by. My mother had fallen, was disoriented and I was trying to decide if I should call an ambulance and have her taken to the hospital to be checked out as a precaution. I had him on the line when she fell and I told him I had to go- threw the phone down and don’t even recall if I hung up. I thought maybe he had heard what had happened and that is why he was coming over. Meanwhile, my sister was on the other line talking to my mom when she fell. I called her back to let her know what happened, she then called my brother who was now ringing a different line. Around this time, my boyfriend shows up and was upset that I made it clear I did not want to do anything major for Valentine’s Day and he wanted to spend time with me and do something nice for me. I explained I had other issues on my hand and mom trumps Valentine’s Day upset, but that we would talk later.
Now with respect to Mom, as all the kids said, “She is pulling a Dad” by refusing to go to the hospital. I never did end up taking her, but was very concerned, worried and it was like bad déjà vu with my father all over again. My sister had her having a stroke, my brother had her with a concussion and then after a few more hours of them playing webMD, my sister decide she may have diabetes and low blood sugar or a thyroid issue. Needless to say, it was a stressful evening and while they all went to bed, I was the one they told to wake her up and check on her every few hours. After a few times of checking on her, she told me “Get the F out of my room I am trying to sleep.” Not exactly sure what happened, but it was apparent she was back to normal so I too went to bed.
Now with respect to Mr. Wonderful, I will say this- he really is wonderful and I have no right to complain. Every day is like Valentine’s Day for me and he treats me so well. He always brings me flowers for no reason and is so caring thoughtful and supportive. A few weeks ago I was stressing about so many things and about going back to school. I had not seen him in a few days and much to my pleasant surprise he had flowers delivered to work with a big “thinking of you” balloon. He printed up all my training module slides and put them in a binder and then offered to printed out all 750 of my flashcards for school. He even went so far as to sectioned them off according to the class they were for. In the beginning I had classes back to back and was stressing trying to get caught up with school work so every Friday while I studied, he would cook me dinner and clean up so I could study instead. He helps me with stuff around the house, helps my mother with stuff around the house and sleeps over to shovel us out when it snows. He really is so good to me and I am blessed to have him as part of my life every day. He is the best thing that has happened to me in years so as a result of him thinking he always comes up looking like the “bad guy” in my blog entries, I wanted to set the record straight.
While we did not have the best Valentine’s Day ever, I know we have many more to look forward to in the future. We did agree to do something small and put a limit of $20 on gifts forcing us to be creative without going crazy. Of course I go looking in the stores for a good sale and had a photo of us from the Grand Canyon framed. Somewhat thoughtful but not exactly overly creative either. He on the other hand made me the most beautiful card. He had taken a bunch of photos of us taken over the years and photo -shopped them all together into this GIANT heart which was the cover of the card. Inside he wrote a beautiful saying and who knew, but the boy knows how to do calligraphy and he does it fairly well. He bought the materials and made the biggest, most thoughtful card I have ever received. And I really do love it. So much time, effort and thought was put into its creation and design. I can say this, there are not 10,000 other woman out there with the same card sitting on their dresser. It is unique and I love it…..and I love him. Coming from a place where I was always an afterthought or taken for granted, it feel nice to be loved the way I deserve to be love and it feels wonderful to have someone so thoughtful, caring and supportive in my life. So for all the times I cast him in unfavorable light, I do apologize and hope this helps to set the record straight. Valentine’s or not, he treats me like a princess every day!
Now as I told you my next blog entry was to be called Mr. Wonderful, but as I appear to have been granted the best Valentine’s Day gift EVER, better than anything Mr. Wonderful could have gotten or made for me (sorry honey) I do have to change the title and share the news.
After a hectic morning of interviews, I went online to check the status of my divorce, and while I do not anticipate hearing from my lawyer for some time now, according to the court website on 2/14/11, a “judgment of divorce” was entered. I am officially a FREE woman! Well free of him anyway. I can finally get on with my life without looking back. Ironic that on a day when so many people are celebrating, professing their love and some couples even get engaged, I will from this day forward celebrate every Valentine’s Day as if it were New Years because that is the day the years of torment in my life finally came to an end! So thank you courts, thank you judge, thank you court clerk for entering the updates……thank you all for giving me the best Valentine’s Day gift EVER!!!! And thank you to my ex for treating me like shit over the years so I could recognize a good catch when it came along.
Well I was so excited, I could not even wait until tonight to share the news but I do supposed I should get back to work now. Oh, and perhaps I should now start giving that name change a bit more consideration.
Until I write again……..
He did see my blog or a portion of it the other day and noticed I was a bit upset about Valentine’s Day so he did come over last night with flowers. Of course it was close to 10pm at that point and I was in the middle of a crisis which is why I thought he had stopped by. My mother had fallen, was disoriented and I was trying to decide if I should call an ambulance and have her taken to the hospital to be checked out as a precaution. I had him on the line when she fell and I told him I had to go- threw the phone down and don’t even recall if I hung up. I thought maybe he had heard what had happened and that is why he was coming over. Meanwhile, my sister was on the other line talking to my mom when she fell. I called her back to let her know what happened, she then called my brother who was now ringing a different line. Around this time, my boyfriend shows up and was upset that I made it clear I did not want to do anything major for Valentine’s Day and he wanted to spend time with me and do something nice for me. I explained I had other issues on my hand and mom trumps Valentine’s Day upset, but that we would talk later.
Now with respect to Mom, as all the kids said, “She is pulling a Dad” by refusing to go to the hospital. I never did end up taking her, but was very concerned, worried and it was like bad déjà vu with my father all over again. My sister had her having a stroke, my brother had her with a concussion and then after a few more hours of them playing webMD, my sister decide she may have diabetes and low blood sugar or a thyroid issue. Needless to say, it was a stressful evening and while they all went to bed, I was the one they told to wake her up and check on her every few hours. After a few times of checking on her, she told me “Get the F out of my room I am trying to sleep.” Not exactly sure what happened, but it was apparent she was back to normal so I too went to bed.
Now with respect to Mr. Wonderful, I will say this- he really is wonderful and I have no right to complain. Every day is like Valentine’s Day for me and he treats me so well. He always brings me flowers for no reason and is so caring thoughtful and supportive. A few weeks ago I was stressing about so many things and about going back to school. I had not seen him in a few days and much to my pleasant surprise he had flowers delivered to work with a big “thinking of you” balloon. He printed up all my training module slides and put them in a binder and then offered to printed out all 750 of my flashcards for school. He even went so far as to sectioned them off according to the class they were for. In the beginning I had classes back to back and was stressing trying to get caught up with school work so every Friday while I studied, he would cook me dinner and clean up so I could study instead. He helps me with stuff around the house, helps my mother with stuff around the house and sleeps over to shovel us out when it snows. He really is so good to me and I am blessed to have him as part of my life every day. He is the best thing that has happened to me in years so as a result of him thinking he always comes up looking like the “bad guy” in my blog entries, I wanted to set the record straight.
While we did not have the best Valentine’s Day ever, I know we have many more to look forward to in the future. We did agree to do something small and put a limit of $20 on gifts forcing us to be creative without going crazy. Of course I go looking in the stores for a good sale and had a photo of us from the Grand Canyon framed. Somewhat thoughtful but not exactly overly creative either. He on the other hand made me the most beautiful card. He had taken a bunch of photos of us taken over the years and photo -shopped them all together into this GIANT heart which was the cover of the card. Inside he wrote a beautiful saying and who knew, but the boy knows how to do calligraphy and he does it fairly well. He bought the materials and made the biggest, most thoughtful card I have ever received. And I really do love it. So much time, effort and thought was put into its creation and design. I can say this, there are not 10,000 other woman out there with the same card sitting on their dresser. It is unique and I love it…..and I love him. Coming from a place where I was always an afterthought or taken for granted, it feel nice to be loved the way I deserve to be love and it feels wonderful to have someone so thoughtful, caring and supportive in my life. So for all the times I cast him in unfavorable light, I do apologize and hope this helps to set the record straight. Valentine’s or not, he treats me like a princess every day!
Now as I told you my next blog entry was to be called Mr. Wonderful, but as I appear to have been granted the best Valentine’s Day gift EVER, better than anything Mr. Wonderful could have gotten or made for me (sorry honey) I do have to change the title and share the news.
After a hectic morning of interviews, I went online to check the status of my divorce, and while I do not anticipate hearing from my lawyer for some time now, according to the court website on 2/14/11, a “judgment of divorce” was entered. I am officially a FREE woman! Well free of him anyway. I can finally get on with my life without looking back. Ironic that on a day when so many people are celebrating, professing their love and some couples even get engaged, I will from this day forward celebrate every Valentine’s Day as if it were New Years because that is the day the years of torment in my life finally came to an end! So thank you courts, thank you judge, thank you court clerk for entering the updates……thank you all for giving me the best Valentine’s Day gift EVER!!!! And thank you to my ex for treating me like shit over the years so I could recognize a good catch when it came along.
Well I was so excited, I could not even wait until tonight to share the news but I do supposed I should get back to work now. Oh, and perhaps I should now start giving that name change a bit more consideration.
Until I write again……..
Monday, February 14, 2011
Hearts, Cupids and Updates
It is Valentine’s Day and most of the world is with their someone special, but tonight I am spending the evening with my mother. I would have preferred to have other plans or even had a simple dinner home with the boyfriend but I guess I did such a good job of downplaying this Hallmark created holiday that the thought did not even cross his mind to want to spend the day with me. And to be honest, I was a bit annoyed with something that happened over the weekend so I did not bother to suggest it either. So I suppose if there is anyone to blame, I am partly responsible.
In the past, my ex ruined just about every day in my life never mind the special occasions and what were supposed to be the memorable moments. Because of him there was a point in which I stopped celebrating just about everything and lost interest in things like Valentine’s Day, Christmas gifts, anniversaries and birthdays. But then a year ago someone wonderful crossed my path and little by little I had a renewed interest in certain things. Now don’t get me wrong, I still think Valentine’s Day is not a real holiday and something that card companies, jewelers and candy companies capitalize on, but nonetheless, if you have that someone special in your life, you should make the attempt to spend time together. I’m not exactly sure what happened in my case but it is what it is. So in an attempt not to sulk I am blogging instead. My entire office was talking about their plans for the evening and then when they asked what I was doing I told them “nothing”. Tomorrow will be a new day and this will be a thing of the past, but today it stings a bit. I have that someone special in my life and I am still upset by the fact I am home with mom so I can only imagine how the single people in the world must feel. If it makes you feel better, it is a stupid holiday!
Now since I am home with Mom this evening, I should probably tell you that I came home to brownies baking in the oven, giant shrimp cocktail chilling in the fridge and jumbo king crab legs the size of my thigh waiting to be cooked up. (Boyfriend who?) Sometimes living with Mom is not so bad…like today, but the rest of the time, she drives me nuts. It is like we are polar opposites in some respects. I love her because she is my mother and she has always been there for me, supported me, encouraged me and sacrificed for me, but leaving the nest and then having to come back home makes every day a constant challenge. Most times I am not home on the weekends, I spend them at my boyfriend’s place where it is peaceful and clean. But truth be told, going from place to place has me feeling like a nomad at times. I am looking forward to the day when home feels like home and not a temporary landing spot. Speaking of which, after months and months of back and forth, my boyfriend has decided that he will be moving back into his house in the next few months and had decided to make arrangements with his current tenant to end her lease earlier than she was legally obligated to stay and pay. As such, with a place to live and some plans in place, he has notified me with delight of his decision and his desire to have me one day live there with him.
There are tons of details to work out and nothing is set in stone, but in the spring, I may move in with him. I would be lying if I did not say that I was scared, nervous, anxious and wondering if I was doing the right thing. Not so much because of him or because I question the two of us and our future, but after coming from a failed marriage where you thought you had a clear cut plan for the future and then after watching it all unravel, you proceed with caution and keep a watchful eye for things that may be clear predictors of future disaster that you may have overlooked the first time around.
I like to have control over things. I like to think that I have a plan for my life but the reality of the situation is that nothing is certain, not everything in your life can be controlled by you and not everything goes according to plan. I try to hope for the best possible outcome, prepare myself for the worst and then go with the flow and see where life takes me. Sometimes that is all you can do….go with the flow because I will be damned if I can figure out the course of my life. When I think to far in advance, I get myself anxious, confused, upset or find myself comparing myself to everyone else and where they are and I am not but had hoped to be. Perhaps I should do a better job of following my own advice but what really matters in life is YOU and if you are happy with who you are, where you are headed, what you have accomplished and if you can go to bed at night with a clear conscious knowing you are a good person, have tried your hardest and that no matter what anyone else may think of you, that you are proud of yourself. Remember that- you matter, what you think matters and everyone else….well they are just spectators.
So let me tell you what I know about my life and what I am proud of. Let me share with you my short term goals and what is presently happening.
Well for starters, I love to write but have not been able to put the time in like I would have liked, hence no entry for a month. I started school towards the end of January and well, as a result, I basically have no life and not an ounce of free time. (Except of course for tonight because I left the evening open in case I was doing something special with that special someone.) Last Saturday I had my first two exams and I scored a 93 and 97 respectively. I would say that is a good start and certainly making my long nights of study worth the investment. The school thing sucks, I am not going to lie to you but I just keep thinking it is temporary, it will be over by mid May and I will be a better person and hopefully a smarter person as a result. I am hoping to take and pass my PHR exam and then I am hoping it will lead my career in a whole new direction down the line. (That or a job that actually pays me what I am worth.)
I can tell you that I am stressed. Life is hectic and school adds to that. Study and test and then my personal mission to raise money in memory of my father on behalf of the American Liver Foundation. If you start from the very beginning of my blog, you will see what I went through taking care of my father, watching him die and then burying him. (Here is the link to what it was like to watch him pass : A very sad day but a peaceful one )
I decided to make something good come of it and try and help others. And well perhaps for selfish reasons, at a time when I felt like my life was a failure in every aspect, it made me feel like I had a purpose and was making a difference, even if insignificant at best in the grand scheme of things. The team is called Tony’s Ribs-a-Flappin and on my personal page, you can read why I named the team that. Perhaps I should rephrase and say the team I am hoping to build. Last year I had a good team. I guess because it was the year of my father’s passing and I had the sympathy thing going on, but there were others, like my brother that told me I was a joke and wasting everyone’s time. Somewhere in previous blogs you can find mention of that and what took place. (This link should hopefully bring you back to that entry should you be interested to read about it. A teary bedtime story )
In any event, I vowed to walk every year that I was able to help people suffering from what my father had gone through. As I just mentioned, last year perhaps the sympathy thing was working in my favor but I had a good team and we raised over $10,000. I was so proud but it was like pulling teeth with some and they let it be known that I was never to ask them to get involved again. So this year I am starting the team up again anticipating even less support, involvement and a greater challenge. With school, I regrettably don’t have the time to implement any of the ideas I spent the last year thinking of doing to raise funds for the cause, but I am not a hypocrite and am a woman of my word. When I say I am going to do something, I do it. So another year and another challenge…..and more stress in an already stressful life.
At this point, all I really have had the time to do so far is set up my page. I sent out a few requests for people to join my team, but so far no bites except for one. I need to step it up some and am about to ask for donations but I wonder if it is too soon or if I will continue to get no reply. I understand that not everyone is of financial means. So many in this world are unemployed, struggling financially or dealing with other personal issues and as such they just can’t be bothered. Well to anyone that is reading this blog, I challenge you to give up one cup of coffee, one lunch out, one pack of cigarettes and put that money towards a greater good. I know it does not seem like much, but it everyone sacrificed one little thing of insignificant value (say a $5 cup of coffee in the morning), all those little contributions add up and could pave the way to new medicines, research or treatment methods that save lives. And while I hate to say it, my father’s liver disease is hereditary and the money I help raise today, may even save the life of a close family member, friend or perhaps I could be doing this to save my own life one day.
Anyway, I am sure you are not interested and probably don’t care, but if there is a part of you that is even the least bit curious, I ask you to take a look and take me up on the $5 challenge. (Anonymous donations are accepted and I promise you it is for a good cause.)
Take a look if you have 2 minutes at how you can get involved: My personal fundraising mission
OK- enough about my personal plug and fundraising mission….back to my life because I know that is what you really want to hear about.
As I told you a blog or two ago, my sister-in-law is pregnant. She just had her second sonogram and the baby while only about 2 inches long is swimming all around, had identifiable fingers and a head. My brother is so excited and my sister-in-law…well lets just say that she is barely showing, moody as all hell and already blaming my brother for “doing this to me”. The next few months could prove to be very interesting for various reasons.
While I am on the topic of babies and pregnancies, if you read 2 blogs ago, you should know that the news of the baby did not quiet have the anticipated reaction. Last week I heard rumor from my sister-in-law that my sister is thinking about having a baby as well. Of course if you ask my sister she swears she hates kids and why bother so you can put them in day care for hours a day and have no life. Honestly, I think that is her defense mechanism to the rest of us, but as she does not talk to my sister-in-law on a regular basis being that she is out in Las Vegas, perhaps she thought it was OK to share it with her. If I am being honest, I have to admit that that news stung a bit as well. I turn 35 in 2 months and well let’s just say that I never thought I would be where I am today. You see my brother and sister are still young enough to make some of these decisions in life and I don’t feel that I have the luxury or time on my side. Living with Mom at 35 certainly wasn’t the plan I had envisioned for myself. So I will watch my brother and possibly my sister raise their kids and I would be lying if I did not say I will probably be very jealous or felting as if I had missed out on something miraculous in life. But such is life – going with the flow, remember? Sometimes life hands you exactly what you want, sometimes it hands you exactly what you don’t want, sometimes it pleasantly surprises you and other times it disappoints you. All you can do is make peace with things, accept what you have been given and do your best to be OK with it, knowing that sometimes things very much beyond your control happen for a reason.
Speaking of out of my control, there is the matter of my divorce which is still dragging on. April will mark 2 years but luckily it does not look as if I will have to wait that long. Last week much to my pleasant surprise, I looked online as I have done each morning for over 6 months and there was actually an update posted. I found out back in December that my paperwork had been submitted in October after my lawyer had forgotten for over 6 months. I was lucky enough to get a very nice old woman to the phone that helped me the best she could. She probably was not supposed to share the information she did with me but when I told her my lawyer took my money and forgot about me, she was kind enough to look a few things up and then told me I could call back in another 2 weeks. So every day I checked the website and every week I called for any status changes. And every week, “Nothing yet, try back in two weeks.” Well last week there was an update. Something is in progress; a judge must actually be looking at my case. And because divorces are a matter of public record, you can pretty much look up anyone’s if you know where to look. So after seeing my update, giggling like a school girl at my desk which prompted and explanation from my co-workers, I then began to stalk the other cases of the lucky divorcees that came before me. As a result of my efforts, I concluded that unless there is something seriously wrong with my paperwork (which there better not be), a judgment of divorce should follow in the next 5-10 days. So finally after months and months of anticipation, I think I am literally in the final count down. Of course there is a holiday next Monday for President’s Day and if the wind blows the wrong way state workers get off with pay, but barring any misdirection of the wind and holidays that may pop up out of nowhere, I am hoping to be said and done with all this by next week.
The next big decision is to change the name back or not change the name back. There was a time that this was a no-brainer. I wanted nothing to do with that man- name included. My hopefully very soon to be ex is playing games with the IRS, has all sorts of people including the NY State Attorney General after him and I certainly don’t want to bare any name that may tie me back to that. I suppose it is in my best interest to change my name and I suspect I will, but it is a lot of hassle. Paperwork mostly, but there are dozens and dozens of forms, documents, accounts and the like that need to be changed. Licenses, car titles, bank accounts, retirement accounts, credit cards, passports and probably dozens of other things I have yet to think of. My first inclination is to get it all done ASAP but if the logical me steps up to bat for a second, there is then the matter of me hoping to move in the next few months which would then prompt me to start all over with more changes. Oh and in a complete 180 from finalizing my divorce, my boyfriend has been hinting like crazy about what type of engagement ring I might like. I am fully aware that that may not happen, may not happen in a timely fashion and the events that follow such a proposal may not take place in a timely fashion either, but that leaves the question or a possibly third change of information. Now while I am always up for a challenge and one has yet to scare me away, I am also all about efficiency and not wasting time by doing the same thing over and over again. I suppose I have no idea how the third situation will play out and therefore it should not even be a factor in my decision making process but I told you that if I think about it, you will know about it and so now you do.
Well I have already been writing for what seems like hours at this point. I have taken breaks for my yummy crab legs and even some tea and brownies. I think at this point I am going to call it a night. I guess things happen for a reason because my mother did tell me during dinner that she was glad I was hear with her this Valentine’s Day otherwise she would have been very, very depressed. Things like this make it hard to leave her, but I do know that my life must go on. And right about now, as I have no exiting plans for the rest of the evening, I might as well see if I can get some study time in before bed.
Happy Valentine’s Day to all the lonely soles out there and just remember, tomorrow, none of what happened today or did not happen today will matter.
Until I write again…..
In the past, my ex ruined just about every day in my life never mind the special occasions and what were supposed to be the memorable moments. Because of him there was a point in which I stopped celebrating just about everything and lost interest in things like Valentine’s Day, Christmas gifts, anniversaries and birthdays. But then a year ago someone wonderful crossed my path and little by little I had a renewed interest in certain things. Now don’t get me wrong, I still think Valentine’s Day is not a real holiday and something that card companies, jewelers and candy companies capitalize on, but nonetheless, if you have that someone special in your life, you should make the attempt to spend time together. I’m not exactly sure what happened in my case but it is what it is. So in an attempt not to sulk I am blogging instead. My entire office was talking about their plans for the evening and then when they asked what I was doing I told them “nothing”. Tomorrow will be a new day and this will be a thing of the past, but today it stings a bit. I have that someone special in my life and I am still upset by the fact I am home with mom so I can only imagine how the single people in the world must feel. If it makes you feel better, it is a stupid holiday!
Now since I am home with Mom this evening, I should probably tell you that I came home to brownies baking in the oven, giant shrimp cocktail chilling in the fridge and jumbo king crab legs the size of my thigh waiting to be cooked up. (Boyfriend who?) Sometimes living with Mom is not so bad…like today, but the rest of the time, she drives me nuts. It is like we are polar opposites in some respects. I love her because she is my mother and she has always been there for me, supported me, encouraged me and sacrificed for me, but leaving the nest and then having to come back home makes every day a constant challenge. Most times I am not home on the weekends, I spend them at my boyfriend’s place where it is peaceful and clean. But truth be told, going from place to place has me feeling like a nomad at times. I am looking forward to the day when home feels like home and not a temporary landing spot. Speaking of which, after months and months of back and forth, my boyfriend has decided that he will be moving back into his house in the next few months and had decided to make arrangements with his current tenant to end her lease earlier than she was legally obligated to stay and pay. As such, with a place to live and some plans in place, he has notified me with delight of his decision and his desire to have me one day live there with him.
There are tons of details to work out and nothing is set in stone, but in the spring, I may move in with him. I would be lying if I did not say that I was scared, nervous, anxious and wondering if I was doing the right thing. Not so much because of him or because I question the two of us and our future, but after coming from a failed marriage where you thought you had a clear cut plan for the future and then after watching it all unravel, you proceed with caution and keep a watchful eye for things that may be clear predictors of future disaster that you may have overlooked the first time around.
I like to have control over things. I like to think that I have a plan for my life but the reality of the situation is that nothing is certain, not everything in your life can be controlled by you and not everything goes according to plan. I try to hope for the best possible outcome, prepare myself for the worst and then go with the flow and see where life takes me. Sometimes that is all you can do….go with the flow because I will be damned if I can figure out the course of my life. When I think to far in advance, I get myself anxious, confused, upset or find myself comparing myself to everyone else and where they are and I am not but had hoped to be. Perhaps I should do a better job of following my own advice but what really matters in life is YOU and if you are happy with who you are, where you are headed, what you have accomplished and if you can go to bed at night with a clear conscious knowing you are a good person, have tried your hardest and that no matter what anyone else may think of you, that you are proud of yourself. Remember that- you matter, what you think matters and everyone else….well they are just spectators.
So let me tell you what I know about my life and what I am proud of. Let me share with you my short term goals and what is presently happening.
Well for starters, I love to write but have not been able to put the time in like I would have liked, hence no entry for a month. I started school towards the end of January and well, as a result, I basically have no life and not an ounce of free time. (Except of course for tonight because I left the evening open in case I was doing something special with that special someone.) Last Saturday I had my first two exams and I scored a 93 and 97 respectively. I would say that is a good start and certainly making my long nights of study worth the investment. The school thing sucks, I am not going to lie to you but I just keep thinking it is temporary, it will be over by mid May and I will be a better person and hopefully a smarter person as a result. I am hoping to take and pass my PHR exam and then I am hoping it will lead my career in a whole new direction down the line. (That or a job that actually pays me what I am worth.)
I can tell you that I am stressed. Life is hectic and school adds to that. Study and test and then my personal mission to raise money in memory of my father on behalf of the American Liver Foundation. If you start from the very beginning of my blog, you will see what I went through taking care of my father, watching him die and then burying him. (Here is the link to what it was like to watch him pass : A very sad day but a peaceful one )
I decided to make something good come of it and try and help others. And well perhaps for selfish reasons, at a time when I felt like my life was a failure in every aspect, it made me feel like I had a purpose and was making a difference, even if insignificant at best in the grand scheme of things. The team is called Tony’s Ribs-a-Flappin and on my personal page, you can read why I named the team that. Perhaps I should rephrase and say the team I am hoping to build. Last year I had a good team. I guess because it was the year of my father’s passing and I had the sympathy thing going on, but there were others, like my brother that told me I was a joke and wasting everyone’s time. Somewhere in previous blogs you can find mention of that and what took place. (This link should hopefully bring you back to that entry should you be interested to read about it. A teary bedtime story )
In any event, I vowed to walk every year that I was able to help people suffering from what my father had gone through. As I just mentioned, last year perhaps the sympathy thing was working in my favor but I had a good team and we raised over $10,000. I was so proud but it was like pulling teeth with some and they let it be known that I was never to ask them to get involved again. So this year I am starting the team up again anticipating even less support, involvement and a greater challenge. With school, I regrettably don’t have the time to implement any of the ideas I spent the last year thinking of doing to raise funds for the cause, but I am not a hypocrite and am a woman of my word. When I say I am going to do something, I do it. So another year and another challenge…..and more stress in an already stressful life.
At this point, all I really have had the time to do so far is set up my page. I sent out a few requests for people to join my team, but so far no bites except for one. I need to step it up some and am about to ask for donations but I wonder if it is too soon or if I will continue to get no reply. I understand that not everyone is of financial means. So many in this world are unemployed, struggling financially or dealing with other personal issues and as such they just can’t be bothered. Well to anyone that is reading this blog, I challenge you to give up one cup of coffee, one lunch out, one pack of cigarettes and put that money towards a greater good. I know it does not seem like much, but it everyone sacrificed one little thing of insignificant value (say a $5 cup of coffee in the morning), all those little contributions add up and could pave the way to new medicines, research or treatment methods that save lives. And while I hate to say it, my father’s liver disease is hereditary and the money I help raise today, may even save the life of a close family member, friend or perhaps I could be doing this to save my own life one day.
Anyway, I am sure you are not interested and probably don’t care, but if there is a part of you that is even the least bit curious, I ask you to take a look and take me up on the $5 challenge. (Anonymous donations are accepted and I promise you it is for a good cause.)
Take a look if you have 2 minutes at how you can get involved: My personal fundraising mission
OK- enough about my personal plug and fundraising mission….back to my life because I know that is what you really want to hear about.
As I told you a blog or two ago, my sister-in-law is pregnant. She just had her second sonogram and the baby while only about 2 inches long is swimming all around, had identifiable fingers and a head. My brother is so excited and my sister-in-law…well lets just say that she is barely showing, moody as all hell and already blaming my brother for “doing this to me”. The next few months could prove to be very interesting for various reasons.
While I am on the topic of babies and pregnancies, if you read 2 blogs ago, you should know that the news of the baby did not quiet have the anticipated reaction. Last week I heard rumor from my sister-in-law that my sister is thinking about having a baby as well. Of course if you ask my sister she swears she hates kids and why bother so you can put them in day care for hours a day and have no life. Honestly, I think that is her defense mechanism to the rest of us, but as she does not talk to my sister-in-law on a regular basis being that she is out in Las Vegas, perhaps she thought it was OK to share it with her. If I am being honest, I have to admit that that news stung a bit as well. I turn 35 in 2 months and well let’s just say that I never thought I would be where I am today. You see my brother and sister are still young enough to make some of these decisions in life and I don’t feel that I have the luxury or time on my side. Living with Mom at 35 certainly wasn’t the plan I had envisioned for myself. So I will watch my brother and possibly my sister raise their kids and I would be lying if I did not say I will probably be very jealous or felting as if I had missed out on something miraculous in life. But such is life – going with the flow, remember? Sometimes life hands you exactly what you want, sometimes it hands you exactly what you don’t want, sometimes it pleasantly surprises you and other times it disappoints you. All you can do is make peace with things, accept what you have been given and do your best to be OK with it, knowing that sometimes things very much beyond your control happen for a reason.
Speaking of out of my control, there is the matter of my divorce which is still dragging on. April will mark 2 years but luckily it does not look as if I will have to wait that long. Last week much to my pleasant surprise, I looked online as I have done each morning for over 6 months and there was actually an update posted. I found out back in December that my paperwork had been submitted in October after my lawyer had forgotten for over 6 months. I was lucky enough to get a very nice old woman to the phone that helped me the best she could. She probably was not supposed to share the information she did with me but when I told her my lawyer took my money and forgot about me, she was kind enough to look a few things up and then told me I could call back in another 2 weeks. So every day I checked the website and every week I called for any status changes. And every week, “Nothing yet, try back in two weeks.” Well last week there was an update. Something is in progress; a judge must actually be looking at my case. And because divorces are a matter of public record, you can pretty much look up anyone’s if you know where to look. So after seeing my update, giggling like a school girl at my desk which prompted and explanation from my co-workers, I then began to stalk the other cases of the lucky divorcees that came before me. As a result of my efforts, I concluded that unless there is something seriously wrong with my paperwork (which there better not be), a judgment of divorce should follow in the next 5-10 days. So finally after months and months of anticipation, I think I am literally in the final count down. Of course there is a holiday next Monday for President’s Day and if the wind blows the wrong way state workers get off with pay, but barring any misdirection of the wind and holidays that may pop up out of nowhere, I am hoping to be said and done with all this by next week.
The next big decision is to change the name back or not change the name back. There was a time that this was a no-brainer. I wanted nothing to do with that man- name included. My hopefully very soon to be ex is playing games with the IRS, has all sorts of people including the NY State Attorney General after him and I certainly don’t want to bare any name that may tie me back to that. I suppose it is in my best interest to change my name and I suspect I will, but it is a lot of hassle. Paperwork mostly, but there are dozens and dozens of forms, documents, accounts and the like that need to be changed. Licenses, car titles, bank accounts, retirement accounts, credit cards, passports and probably dozens of other things I have yet to think of. My first inclination is to get it all done ASAP but if the logical me steps up to bat for a second, there is then the matter of me hoping to move in the next few months which would then prompt me to start all over with more changes. Oh and in a complete 180 from finalizing my divorce, my boyfriend has been hinting like crazy about what type of engagement ring I might like. I am fully aware that that may not happen, may not happen in a timely fashion and the events that follow such a proposal may not take place in a timely fashion either, but that leaves the question or a possibly third change of information. Now while I am always up for a challenge and one has yet to scare me away, I am also all about efficiency and not wasting time by doing the same thing over and over again. I suppose I have no idea how the third situation will play out and therefore it should not even be a factor in my decision making process but I told you that if I think about it, you will know about it and so now you do.
Well I have already been writing for what seems like hours at this point. I have taken breaks for my yummy crab legs and even some tea and brownies. I think at this point I am going to call it a night. I guess things happen for a reason because my mother did tell me during dinner that she was glad I was hear with her this Valentine’s Day otherwise she would have been very, very depressed. Things like this make it hard to leave her, but I do know that my life must go on. And right about now, as I have no exiting plans for the rest of the evening, I might as well see if I can get some study time in before bed.
Happy Valentine’s Day to all the lonely soles out there and just remember, tomorrow, none of what happened today or did not happen today will matter.
Until I write again…..
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