I’m trying to study but it is not working. My mom signed up for an art class on Wednesday nights so it is nice and quiet in the house- perfect for me to study and accomplish many things but I can’t focus. I sit here shaking with nerves and worry. My body is so messed up from stress or worry or both that it is all out of wack. I decided yesterday to stop taking those stupid pills the doctor told me to stick out. The doctor does not think stress pays a toll on your body but I beg to differ. Anyway, I was supposed to have that test tomorrow to see if I have any cancer in me but I had to reschedule as my body is once again not cooperating.
For a while I was determined it was going to be bad news. Then I read up on the test and what they are looking for just to set my mind at ease and know what to expect. Last week I was optimistic that it would all be a big mistake and they would find nothing wrong. This week after having to reschedule my test for the second time, I am not so sure. I would like to think the pills the doctor gave me are part of the problem, but who knows. I mean I have had nothing but trouble since I started taking them but he told me to stick it out and see if my body adjusts. Having your period 7 times in three months is not exactly adjusting. At this rate I will become anemic and pass out. But wait- isn’t anemia associated with low blood pressure? So why does mine fluctuate from completely normal to high with no constant in between?
And yes, in case you have not already figured it out, I am still checking my blood pressure religiously. I sit here day after day trying to figure out why. Not that I am big salt person, but I have been trying to be conscious of adding any extra salt to my meals and stay away from foods that I know are particularly salty which pretty much means anything my mom prepares as salt is her best friend. I feel bad, but I yell at her every day not to salt this or that or I refuse to eat anything she tries to feed me. Personally, I am convinced she is killing me slowly, but I’m sure there has to be an additional explanation.
They say knowledge is power and your mind is a powerful thing but in some cases it can be a detriment. I mean the more knowledge I gain about certain ailments, correlations between this and that, the more paranoid I become. Last week I was fine but I feel the school work is under control for now so I had some time to research some personal things. I read one thing that sets my mind at ease and give me hope it will all be OK and then I continue looking up stuff and it gets me to thinking and self diagnosis. So while I sit here trying to study, I am literally shaking with nerves and anxiety of what is to become. I tried, I really did to focus on other things, not automatically assume the worst, but how am I not supposed to. I mean is my body messed up because of the pills or is there seriously something wrong with me? Do I have cancer…..do I need to have parts of my reproductive system removed…… has anything spread elsewhere in my body? Why is my blood pressure so erratic? Maybe there is a problem with my heart….maybe I should go see a cardiologist! Why do I have circulatory issues with my hands and feet? I have always had them but are they getting worse…….are they related to anything else…..maybe I need to see a vascular surgeon. You see what I mean about the mind being an evil thing as well as a good thing?
I try not to let the thoughts get the best of me, but how can I make them stop. I go to bed every night and I pray that I am healthy and it is a mistake. I pray every night that my brother’s wife has a healthy baby and I am around to enjoy him or her. I thank God every night for all the good that has happened in my life thus far despite all the tragedies I have faced and I pray for many, many more years to enjoy them.
People tell me that there is no reason to worry until there is something to worry about. Well I do admit that I have a bad habit of worrying unnecessarily but how can I not. This is no little matter. I mean it could be- or it could be something that could kill me. I don’t want to end up like my father. Granted he died way too young, but he had about another 15 years – maybe 16 or 17 before he was diagnosed with something that he battled for another 7 or 8 years before he passed away. I just want to know the diagnosis and the longer I have to push out the test, the worse the anticipation gets. So now we are headed into April in 2 days and my birthday is soon approaching. I have no idea how long the test results take, but if it is bad news, I certainly don’t want for that to be my birthday present from the doctor. I mean talk about hating your birthday forever. It should be a time of new beginnings, new challenges, and new accomplishments in your life. New milestones- not new battles and endings to all the happiness you have built. Bad news would be like a giant cloud covering up every color in the rainbow I spent years trying to find. I like my rainbow and I want to continue to see it grow- each color getting wider and wider adding new colors along the way. I’ve been through so much and I deserve to have the best rainbow ever…..please don’t take that away from me.
I read one horoscope today that talked about this being a year of health concerns for me and that as a Taurus, I am patient and don’t give up easily and that I should use that same patients and mentality to confront any health related issues I may face this year that seem confusing to me. I don’t want to battle health concerns- I want to take on more fulfilling challenges in life. They say God does not give you any more than you can handle, but can I please catch a break? Each time I say I am not strong enough to handle certain situations and each time I manage to endure. I am tough and I am a fighter who doesn’t give up, but I am not prepared to take on this challenge. I am afraid I am going to loose everything I have worked so hard for- everything good in my life. I am afraid I will hurt, devastate, stress and burden everyone around me. I’m just afraid period!
Many of you may not know me, it is not like I even have that many followers or people that will stumble upon this, but if you do, say a little pray for me because if I knew you had something troubling your mind, I would pray for you. I start every prayer by asking God to watch over my friends and family and keep them safe, happy and healthy. I then pray for those less fortunate than myself. Today I may be that person less fortunate that you. I am not a super religious person by any means, but I believe there is a higher power and there is a plan for all of us. I very much believe that things happen for a reason and that we may not always understand it at the time. Religious or not, just take two minutes out of your day and pray that my “plan” is to be healthy and not sickly. It may serve no purpose, yet it can’t hurt either…..so send those positive vibes my way if you wouldn’t mind.
Until I write (or worry) again…….
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Seriously
Right about now I am too mentally drained to even think about writing, but there are a few things I feel the need to get off my chest. Let me start out by saying there is never a dull moment or lack of stress in my life.
I went to the doctor a few weeks ago for a routine visit and to discuss an issue I was having which we never even really got to. I am not a fan of doctors and would normally take the “if I can deal with it- no need to waste a trip to the doctor until it gets worse” approach but after watching what my father went through and being convinced that if he had listened to the doctors sooner, he would still be here today. Some things may not have been preventable, or maybe they would have. The cancer at the end was a fluke thing, but maybe that was caused by all the nasty fluid built up in his system from the water retention from the liver failing and him not wanting to take his diuretics as directed because they interfered with his work day. Stupid man put his job before his health and look where that got him. Anyway, the point I was making before I went off on a tangent was that I am now rethinking the wait until it gets too bad approach with the doctors in an attempt not to end up like my father. And for those not following my blog from the beginning- the cancer was a bonus. Liver failure and multi-organ failure at the end along with an infection in his abdomen that spread to his entire body are what they are calling the official cause of death, but make no mistake about it- he suffered, and I do mean suffered until the very end.
So two weeks ago I go to the doctor for an issue I am having with this crap birth control he puts me on and he ends up telling me that my blood pressure is high. He makes it sound like I am going to walk down the street and have a stroke or something. And yes, I admit, it was a bit high but now I am like a hypochondriac and take the blood pressure machine I used to use on my father and check myself like 100 times a day. (OK- maybe not 100, but probably close to 5-10) For the most part it is completely normal but I went to my regular doctor just in case and he was not concerned. He told me we would check it periodically and to come back in a few months. (Of course I still check it 10 times a day)
Well two weeks later, the original doctor called back to say that a routine test he performed was abnormal and now he wants me to come in for some special test and possibly a biopsy if he does not like what he finds. Let me say that I know this doctor only calls with bad news and he called last Thursday but never called back and then was out until today so I spend the entire weekend worrying, crying, depressed, anxious and naturally thinking the worst. Today I spoke with someone in his office and they confirmed my worry and I now have an appointment in the next few weeks to see what else is going wrong.
I have to say that I am completely freaked out. I totally take care of myself, make every effort to eat healthy, I even get up early in the morning to fit exercise into my day before going to work. Up until it got cold, I had been walking about 5 miles a day on top of my normal routine. For my blood pressure to be elevated is troublesome to me, but now other issues and biopsy. Problems be what they may, but I always prided myself on “at least I have my health” and right about now I am starting to questions if I have taken that for granted for far too long.
I finally feel like I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel. “You are my sun, my moon, my stars…….I hope this ring brings some light into your life and helps you to see the rainbow” – or something similar- that was the part of my proposal I had forgotten and I can tell you he is very much my rainbow. He has brought sunshine into my life on my darkest days. I went through a divorce and never did I think I would find love again… I mean real love. I have the most WONDERFUL man in my life and now this? I found a job and I love the people I work with and am doing so well- they love me over there. The pay may suck but I like what I am doing, I am learning and growing each day and I even went back to school to advance myself further. Sure school is challenging and it is kicking my ass, but I am determined to triumph….and I will. I made plans to move out of my mother’s house and while I am not sure she is ready and I worry about her immensely, it is good for me and it is what I need to do. It is time for me to spread my wings and fly and that is exactly what I am trying to do. Little by little my life is moving in a good direction, my rainbow is forming so what the hell is with this giant cloud that is trying to over shadow all the goodness that is becoming of my life?
It wasn’t really the plan, more of a last minute thing, but this weekend I took stuff out of my storage unit. It had been there for almost 2 years and we dragged it over to my fiancées house where I started to unpack it and put it away. At first I was hesitant, but I did it. I have to say it was bitter sweet. The moment I had been waiting for for years, yet I kept having all sorts of troubling thoughts. I knew the stuff would be there for quiet some time so I made every attempt to pack it as best I could. It was partly exciting to see the stuff still in good condition and all the nice things I had, but I was having flashbacks to the moments I had to pack it all up. The unpacking was for a happier reason, but there was the “what if I am sick” thought running through my head. I cried as I unwrapped things and put them into cabinets thinking what if I am sick and have to pack it all up again. Then I was thinking maybe I should just stop unpacking and leave it in storage until I get a clean bill of health. My fiancée is such a wonderful person and he does not deserve this. He can go on to live a long life and find someone else who is healthy and makes him happy. It is not right of me to burden him with my issues any more than I already have.
I don’t want to be sick, but I also don’t want to burden anyone else with my health issues. I took care of my father. I watched him basically wither away and die before my very eyes and it was so sad knowing there was nothing I could do to help him. I took care of him and dealt with a lot of his personal effects towards the end. I drove him to doctor appointment after doctor appointment. I prepared his meds, helped dress him, ran his errands, helped him get up and down from the toilet. I spent night after night awake, worrying and listening to make sure he did not fall down the stairs, throw up blood, pass out or loose his balance and fall down. Week after week of that got tiring, draining and was extremely emotional. I don’t want to put anyone through that.
I don’t know- perhaps my mind and troubling thoughts are getting the best of me, but I feel like I shouldn’t be making any permanent plans or move any of my stuff until I know for sure I am healthy. I also am so sorry that I may have to potentially put people through this. My family can’t take another person with a disease or illness. I have been fighting the good fight for years now and seriously something has to give. Forget everyone else…. I can’t take any more. I just feel bad because no one signs up for this. I keep giving the fiancée an out. Things are still relatively new and he is under no obligation and I would completely understand and not hold it against him.
I think about how if I needed to take time off for health reason, I would not even qualify for a FMLA leave as you need to be with a company for a year which I am not. I would lose my job and my health insurance to boot. Well I could always pick up COBRA, but it would cost me a fortune and with no income coming in and no guarantees of what the future may bring I may be up the creek without a battle. I hate to burden my mother, but her expenses would not go up much as she has technically been supporting me while I was unemployed and I am already hear so maybe it would be best to tough it out a bit longer.
I don’t know….all I know is that I hope I am healthy and it is all a big misunderstanding but I am worried to death in the meantime. I have to go with my fiancée to a memorial service for his grandfather that just passed this weekend and even though I only met the man once, I know I will have flashbacks to my father’s service and the troubling thoughts of what my own fate may be. Until I know for sure, I am sick to my stomach with worry and losing sleep at night.
And you think my father would be looking out for his family but after what I learned today, he is probably too busy rolling over in his grave to be concerned with anyone else. It turns out that my mom got a call from a bill collector today. It would appear that my ex who I thought I was officially done with, has been taking out loans and putting my father as the co-signer. In case you are new to my blog- my ex is a compulsive liar and con artist and my father passed away last year so I highly doubt he was taking out any loans. I mean I always knew my ex was the scum of the Earth, but I think this one takes the cake. I hate to wish bad things on people, but if he died tomorrow I would bring balloons in celebration to his funeral. Then after I got done celebrating the end of his existence on this Planet, I would spit on his grave.
So as if I do not have enough to worry about, I will not go on to spend the remainder of my evening looking into credit guards and social security number protection. I know that my ex has my social somewhere, but the fact that the lawyer had it listed on the divorce documents which he just received a copy of last week has me feeling very uneasy. It is just fucked up that I have to worry about my life and my health and I worry about burdening others with my troubles, and that piece of shit walks the Earth with no conscience in the world and he keeps stooping lower and lower and creating havoc for everyone that has ever been in his path even when you thought you were finally rid of that vermin.
Until I write again……
I went to the doctor a few weeks ago for a routine visit and to discuss an issue I was having which we never even really got to. I am not a fan of doctors and would normally take the “if I can deal with it- no need to waste a trip to the doctor until it gets worse” approach but after watching what my father went through and being convinced that if he had listened to the doctors sooner, he would still be here today. Some things may not have been preventable, or maybe they would have. The cancer at the end was a fluke thing, but maybe that was caused by all the nasty fluid built up in his system from the water retention from the liver failing and him not wanting to take his diuretics as directed because they interfered with his work day. Stupid man put his job before his health and look where that got him. Anyway, the point I was making before I went off on a tangent was that I am now rethinking the wait until it gets too bad approach with the doctors in an attempt not to end up like my father. And for those not following my blog from the beginning- the cancer was a bonus. Liver failure and multi-organ failure at the end along with an infection in his abdomen that spread to his entire body are what they are calling the official cause of death, but make no mistake about it- he suffered, and I do mean suffered until the very end.
So two weeks ago I go to the doctor for an issue I am having with this crap birth control he puts me on and he ends up telling me that my blood pressure is high. He makes it sound like I am going to walk down the street and have a stroke or something. And yes, I admit, it was a bit high but now I am like a hypochondriac and take the blood pressure machine I used to use on my father and check myself like 100 times a day. (OK- maybe not 100, but probably close to 5-10) For the most part it is completely normal but I went to my regular doctor just in case and he was not concerned. He told me we would check it periodically and to come back in a few months. (Of course I still check it 10 times a day)
Well two weeks later, the original doctor called back to say that a routine test he performed was abnormal and now he wants me to come in for some special test and possibly a biopsy if he does not like what he finds. Let me say that I know this doctor only calls with bad news and he called last Thursday but never called back and then was out until today so I spend the entire weekend worrying, crying, depressed, anxious and naturally thinking the worst. Today I spoke with someone in his office and they confirmed my worry and I now have an appointment in the next few weeks to see what else is going wrong.
I have to say that I am completely freaked out. I totally take care of myself, make every effort to eat healthy, I even get up early in the morning to fit exercise into my day before going to work. Up until it got cold, I had been walking about 5 miles a day on top of my normal routine. For my blood pressure to be elevated is troublesome to me, but now other issues and biopsy. Problems be what they may, but I always prided myself on “at least I have my health” and right about now I am starting to questions if I have taken that for granted for far too long.
I finally feel like I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel. “You are my sun, my moon, my stars…….I hope this ring brings some light into your life and helps you to see the rainbow” – or something similar- that was the part of my proposal I had forgotten and I can tell you he is very much my rainbow. He has brought sunshine into my life on my darkest days. I went through a divorce and never did I think I would find love again… I mean real love. I have the most WONDERFUL man in my life and now this? I found a job and I love the people I work with and am doing so well- they love me over there. The pay may suck but I like what I am doing, I am learning and growing each day and I even went back to school to advance myself further. Sure school is challenging and it is kicking my ass, but I am determined to triumph….and I will. I made plans to move out of my mother’s house and while I am not sure she is ready and I worry about her immensely, it is good for me and it is what I need to do. It is time for me to spread my wings and fly and that is exactly what I am trying to do. Little by little my life is moving in a good direction, my rainbow is forming so what the hell is with this giant cloud that is trying to over shadow all the goodness that is becoming of my life?
It wasn’t really the plan, more of a last minute thing, but this weekend I took stuff out of my storage unit. It had been there for almost 2 years and we dragged it over to my fiancées house where I started to unpack it and put it away. At first I was hesitant, but I did it. I have to say it was bitter sweet. The moment I had been waiting for for years, yet I kept having all sorts of troubling thoughts. I knew the stuff would be there for quiet some time so I made every attempt to pack it as best I could. It was partly exciting to see the stuff still in good condition and all the nice things I had, but I was having flashbacks to the moments I had to pack it all up. The unpacking was for a happier reason, but there was the “what if I am sick” thought running through my head. I cried as I unwrapped things and put them into cabinets thinking what if I am sick and have to pack it all up again. Then I was thinking maybe I should just stop unpacking and leave it in storage until I get a clean bill of health. My fiancée is such a wonderful person and he does not deserve this. He can go on to live a long life and find someone else who is healthy and makes him happy. It is not right of me to burden him with my issues any more than I already have.
I don’t want to be sick, but I also don’t want to burden anyone else with my health issues. I took care of my father. I watched him basically wither away and die before my very eyes and it was so sad knowing there was nothing I could do to help him. I took care of him and dealt with a lot of his personal effects towards the end. I drove him to doctor appointment after doctor appointment. I prepared his meds, helped dress him, ran his errands, helped him get up and down from the toilet. I spent night after night awake, worrying and listening to make sure he did not fall down the stairs, throw up blood, pass out or loose his balance and fall down. Week after week of that got tiring, draining and was extremely emotional. I don’t want to put anyone through that.
I don’t know- perhaps my mind and troubling thoughts are getting the best of me, but I feel like I shouldn’t be making any permanent plans or move any of my stuff until I know for sure I am healthy. I also am so sorry that I may have to potentially put people through this. My family can’t take another person with a disease or illness. I have been fighting the good fight for years now and seriously something has to give. Forget everyone else…. I can’t take any more. I just feel bad because no one signs up for this. I keep giving the fiancée an out. Things are still relatively new and he is under no obligation and I would completely understand and not hold it against him.
I think about how if I needed to take time off for health reason, I would not even qualify for a FMLA leave as you need to be with a company for a year which I am not. I would lose my job and my health insurance to boot. Well I could always pick up COBRA, but it would cost me a fortune and with no income coming in and no guarantees of what the future may bring I may be up the creek without a battle. I hate to burden my mother, but her expenses would not go up much as she has technically been supporting me while I was unemployed and I am already hear so maybe it would be best to tough it out a bit longer.
I don’t know….all I know is that I hope I am healthy and it is all a big misunderstanding but I am worried to death in the meantime. I have to go with my fiancée to a memorial service for his grandfather that just passed this weekend and even though I only met the man once, I know I will have flashbacks to my father’s service and the troubling thoughts of what my own fate may be. Until I know for sure, I am sick to my stomach with worry and losing sleep at night.
And you think my father would be looking out for his family but after what I learned today, he is probably too busy rolling over in his grave to be concerned with anyone else. It turns out that my mom got a call from a bill collector today. It would appear that my ex who I thought I was officially done with, has been taking out loans and putting my father as the co-signer. In case you are new to my blog- my ex is a compulsive liar and con artist and my father passed away last year so I highly doubt he was taking out any loans. I mean I always knew my ex was the scum of the Earth, but I think this one takes the cake. I hate to wish bad things on people, but if he died tomorrow I would bring balloons in celebration to his funeral. Then after I got done celebrating the end of his existence on this Planet, I would spit on his grave.
So as if I do not have enough to worry about, I will not go on to spend the remainder of my evening looking into credit guards and social security number protection. I know that my ex has my social somewhere, but the fact that the lawyer had it listed on the divorce documents which he just received a copy of last week has me feeling very uneasy. It is just fucked up that I have to worry about my life and my health and I worry about burdening others with my troubles, and that piece of shit walks the Earth with no conscience in the world and he keeps stooping lower and lower and creating havoc for everyone that has ever been in his path even when you thought you were finally rid of that vermin.
Until I write again……
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Letters from the EX
Well it is official- I am divorce and it is also official that my Ex is a loser. I got my official divorce papers in the mail this week. Silly me- I hear “Divorce Decree” and I am thinking it is some official looking document or certificate with a raised golden seal on the bottom that I can frame and proudly display. So, What comes in the mail?.... a piece of paper with the judges stamp, chicken scratch, notes and cross outs. There was some sort of stamp that makes it official and a certified copy should I need it for anything like name changes or proof that the most messed up part of my life is officially over but let’s face it- it was not exactly “frame worthy”.
Anyway- the lawyer told me it would take about a week and it took more like a week and a half, but I have it now and need to find it a safe home so it does not get lost. Oh….. and my lawyer was kind enough to send me another bill along with these documents. Not a large bill so I suppose I have no right to complain, but still- every time you put postage on a letter I get a bill. I think I will make payment in about 6 months as repayment for the non-services rendered on her end. But aside from the bill and the documents, I was just happy that it is over and a new chapter of my life is beginning.
I know it may not have seemed as if I were excited about my engagement. To be honest, it came much sooner than I was expecting or may have been ready for, but it is a good thing. I just need to finish school which is kicking my ass, get through finals, fundraisers, a move and then hopefully by May or June things will settle down and I can begin really focusing on the next chapter of my life.
In the meantime, I was hoping the old chapter was official done with, but it seems the ex has decided he feels the need to repeatedly e-mail me. Here are two e-mails that I wanted to share with you because it gives me joy to know that I am in a better place in my life and he is not.
The first e-mail reads like this: (Oh and yes – I have blocked out his name because knowing him, he will stumble upon this one day and try and sue me)
---------- message ----------
On Fri, Feb 25, 2011 at 12:01 AM, CXXXX LXXXXXwrote:
Subject: just wanted to say
Hi Net,
Hope all is well with you and the family. I know this is out of the blue but i just wanted to let you know you really were a good woman to me. The things I have done to you I look back now and say to myself what the hell was i thinking....
This is not a plot for sympathy. I just wanted to get that off my chest as i had said I am at peace now and paid my prices ten fold.
As i said this may seem strange and out of the blue for you to get an email like this from me but for me i have my reasons and in no way again do i have anything up my sleeve.
Thanks and God BLESS
Cxxxxxx
_______________________________________________
Now it did strike me a bit odd to get this out of nowhere and for some reason I thought perhaps he was making amends before he killed himself or something. No idea why I thought that but I did spend some time contemplating if I got that call if it was even worth my trouble to attend his funeral. I know, I know….. it sounds horrible to think that way but when I told my mother she immediately said, “It sounds like some sort of suicide note.”
Perhaps a bit of wishful thinking on both our parts because the very next day I got another e-mail. I told my mother what he had written and her immediate reaction was, “Oh darn, I guess he is still alive and that wasn’t a suicide note afterall.”
The second message reads as follows:
---------- message ----------
On Sat, Feb 26, 2011 at 7:53 PM, CXXXX LXXXXXwrote:
Subject: Divorce Final
Hi Net,
Just wanted to let you know i got the judge papers in the mail signed as of Jan 31st 2010..... sooo i guess its final.....
Thanks for constantly following up on your end, I know your lawyer took her time lol.... Also--- take good care of yourself and the family..I wish you all the best, luck, and happiness in all your future endeavors..... I know I wasnt the best husband in the world but seeing how I was it was for the best....
If anything for what it was worth you were really good to me and I thank you for all you did.....looking back at everything ai WISH I HAD A Time machine so i cud go back and make everything right and do things honest and better but we all know that cant happen....
Thanks for being a great wife. With the short term relationship I just got out of due to the bullshit and drama and her golddigging ways, i realize no one will live up to you..... I really tried hard and was very honest and a good person to her and her kids but all i was was a convienence and a meal ticket.... but we learn from experience...... Through the whole six months i been with this bitch, she was never you, she didnt appreciate me thought she would change and wouldnt change.... Cant change someome who doesnt want it....sounds familiar huh....too bad it took a seperation and divorce to be the person i am now.... it made me stronger, so thank you.
Take care god bless and you will always have a place in my heart
________________________________________________________
First off, when they say love is blind- they are not kidding. Aside from marrying an a- hole the first time out, you can also see from his eloquent writing style that he was far from educated. Secondly, I hate that he got his paperwork before I got mine, but so be it. I originally thought he was making stuff up as I just found out it was official on Valentine’s Day and he makes reference to the end of January. Obviously he made reference to the wrong year, but when I got my paperwork, there was a stamp at the top from the judge dated for January 31, 2011 which I guess is what he is referring. It must take some time to get from the judge to the clerk and then be entered into the system since the official date on record is February 14, 2011.
On another note- I have to say that it brings me nothing but happiness to hear that the loser got a taste of his own medicine. The entire time people kept telling me that I should do this or that to him. As much as I hated the bastard for ruining my life I was more concerned with my own well being, getting my head on straight and moving on. I am a firm believer in karma and what goes around comes around and I just knew deep down inside that one day he would get his and it wouldn’t even be my doing. Well it looks like a bit of that karma is coming around his way. I felt like writing back to say “it sucks when the shoe is on the other foot”, or “glad she used you for a meal ticket much like you used me” or “glad she took your money because you had no problem taking mine”. And of course I really wanted to say “sorry your life did not work out and your relationship ended but my life has significantly improved since I left you. I have moved on, am in a happier place and as a matter of fact I found someone wonderful and will be getting married at some point”…..but I did not. It had been pointed out to me that he was looking for a response and should I reply- I will be giving him what he wants. So I just hit delete. I know in time he will catch wind of how I have gone on to a much better place and there is no doubt in my mind he will be living a life of misery.
Oh and while I told you I am an honest person, I may have misled you in some respects. I did say that all the bad energy, misery and misfortune he passed along to others would come back his way and I would have no part in it…….well maybe I changed my mind. I have been stockpiling a bunch of letters for the IRS, the NY State Attorney General and the Department of Unemployment that are after him. I did in all fairness forward the letters to him for several months, but he repeatedly felt the need to ignore them, tell me he had dealt with them or continue to give out my address even after he had moved to another state. It must be official business since so many letters kept coming week after week so I felt the need to send them all back with forwarding addresses. Actually my fiancé took great pride in writing the forwarding addresses on a few of them. I mailed them this morning and time permitting; I will dig up the other stack this evening. I mean after all….I am really not doing anything more than informing these governmental agencies of his new whereabouts. Is that so wrong?
Until I write again….
Anyway- the lawyer told me it would take about a week and it took more like a week and a half, but I have it now and need to find it a safe home so it does not get lost. Oh….. and my lawyer was kind enough to send me another bill along with these documents. Not a large bill so I suppose I have no right to complain, but still- every time you put postage on a letter I get a bill. I think I will make payment in about 6 months as repayment for the non-services rendered on her end. But aside from the bill and the documents, I was just happy that it is over and a new chapter of my life is beginning.
I know it may not have seemed as if I were excited about my engagement. To be honest, it came much sooner than I was expecting or may have been ready for, but it is a good thing. I just need to finish school which is kicking my ass, get through finals, fundraisers, a move and then hopefully by May or June things will settle down and I can begin really focusing on the next chapter of my life.
In the meantime, I was hoping the old chapter was official done with, but it seems the ex has decided he feels the need to repeatedly e-mail me. Here are two e-mails that I wanted to share with you because it gives me joy to know that I am in a better place in my life and he is not.
The first e-mail reads like this: (Oh and yes – I have blocked out his name because knowing him, he will stumble upon this one day and try and sue me)
---------- message ----------
On Fri, Feb 25, 2011 at 12:01 AM, CXXXX LXXXXX
Subject: just wanted to say
Hi Net,
Hope all is well with you and the family. I know this is out of the blue but i just wanted to let you know you really were a good woman to me. The things I have done to you I look back now and say to myself what the hell was i thinking....
This is not a plot for sympathy. I just wanted to get that off my chest as i had said I am at peace now and paid my prices ten fold.
As i said this may seem strange and out of the blue for you to get an email like this from me but for me i have my reasons and in no way again do i have anything up my sleeve.
Thanks and God BLESS
Cxxxxxx
_______________________________________________
Now it did strike me a bit odd to get this out of nowhere and for some reason I thought perhaps he was making amends before he killed himself or something. No idea why I thought that but I did spend some time contemplating if I got that call if it was even worth my trouble to attend his funeral. I know, I know….. it sounds horrible to think that way but when I told my mother she immediately said, “It sounds like some sort of suicide note.”
Perhaps a bit of wishful thinking on both our parts because the very next day I got another e-mail. I told my mother what he had written and her immediate reaction was, “Oh darn, I guess he is still alive and that wasn’t a suicide note afterall.”
The second message reads as follows:
---------- message ----------
On Sat, Feb 26, 2011 at 7:53 PM, CXXXX LXXXXX
Subject: Divorce Final
Hi Net,
Just wanted to let you know i got the judge papers in the mail signed as of Jan 31st 2010..... sooo i guess its final.....
Thanks for constantly following up on your end, I know your lawyer took her time lol.... Also--- take good care of yourself and the family..I wish you all the best, luck, and happiness in all your future endeavors..... I know I wasnt the best husband in the world but seeing how I was it was for the best....
If anything for what it was worth you were really good to me and I thank you for all you did.....looking back at everything ai WISH I HAD A Time machine so i cud go back and make everything right and do things honest and better but we all know that cant happen....
Thanks for being a great wife. With the short term relationship I just got out of due to the bullshit and drama and her golddigging ways, i realize no one will live up to you..... I really tried hard and was very honest and a good person to her and her kids but all i was was a convienence and a meal ticket.... but we learn from experience...... Through the whole six months i been with this bitch, she was never you, she didnt appreciate me thought she would change and wouldnt change.... Cant change someome who doesnt want it....sounds familiar huh....too bad it took a seperation and divorce to be the person i am now.... it made me stronger, so thank you.
Take care god bless and you will always have a place in my heart
________________________________________________________
First off, when they say love is blind- they are not kidding. Aside from marrying an a- hole the first time out, you can also see from his eloquent writing style that he was far from educated. Secondly, I hate that he got his paperwork before I got mine, but so be it. I originally thought he was making stuff up as I just found out it was official on Valentine’s Day and he makes reference to the end of January. Obviously he made reference to the wrong year, but when I got my paperwork, there was a stamp at the top from the judge dated for January 31, 2011 which I guess is what he is referring. It must take some time to get from the judge to the clerk and then be entered into the system since the official date on record is February 14, 2011.
On another note- I have to say that it brings me nothing but happiness to hear that the loser got a taste of his own medicine. The entire time people kept telling me that I should do this or that to him. As much as I hated the bastard for ruining my life I was more concerned with my own well being, getting my head on straight and moving on. I am a firm believer in karma and what goes around comes around and I just knew deep down inside that one day he would get his and it wouldn’t even be my doing. Well it looks like a bit of that karma is coming around his way. I felt like writing back to say “it sucks when the shoe is on the other foot”, or “glad she used you for a meal ticket much like you used me” or “glad she took your money because you had no problem taking mine”. And of course I really wanted to say “sorry your life did not work out and your relationship ended but my life has significantly improved since I left you. I have moved on, am in a happier place and as a matter of fact I found someone wonderful and will be getting married at some point”…..but I did not. It had been pointed out to me that he was looking for a response and should I reply- I will be giving him what he wants. So I just hit delete. I know in time he will catch wind of how I have gone on to a much better place and there is no doubt in my mind he will be living a life of misery.
Oh and while I told you I am an honest person, I may have misled you in some respects. I did say that all the bad energy, misery and misfortune he passed along to others would come back his way and I would have no part in it…….well maybe I changed my mind. I have been stockpiling a bunch of letters for the IRS, the NY State Attorney General and the Department of Unemployment that are after him. I did in all fairness forward the letters to him for several months, but he repeatedly felt the need to ignore them, tell me he had dealt with them or continue to give out my address even after he had moved to another state. It must be official business since so many letters kept coming week after week so I felt the need to send them all back with forwarding addresses. Actually my fiancé took great pride in writing the forwarding addresses on a few of them. I mailed them this morning and time permitting; I will dig up the other stack this evening. I mean after all….I am really not doing anything more than informing these governmental agencies of his new whereabouts. Is that so wrong?
Until I write again….
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