Far too much time has passed….

Originally written: June 19, 2011

It has been almost two, maybe going on three months since I have written last. Life has gone warp speed ahead. In addition to things happening a mile a minute in my life, the longer I wait to write, the more I have to catch up on and the more I put it off since I don’t even know where to begin. Truth be told, I have been so busy and the last few months seem to have been one thing after another. Pretty much every second of my time has been accounted for in one way or another. Between personal issues, worry, study, school, exams, fundraisers, family obligations and now wedding stuff. I really am unsure where to start and I feel as if when I write like this, my stories are blah at best. When I first began talking about my life, watching my father die and what it was like to go through that transition, I obviously had much more time on my hands. At the time the writing was somewhat more therapeutic for me. I have since found other outlets to discuss my emotions, however; as a result, I feel as if I do not do my writing justice. My writing started out very impactful for both myself and the select few who read or encountered it. I have for the most part kept my writing a secret. I have maybe 3 follower at best and a handful that stumble upon the blog in cyberspace, but for the most part it has been for me. A chronicle of a portion of my life if you will. There was a time I started writing well before my blog came about, also for therapeutic reasons. I pretty much wrote for 3 years ……every day! Some funny, some sad, some enlightening, some entertaining and some very heartfelt and emotional passages. My goal was to one day survive all that has been thrown my way and write a happy ending. If I had been through it- chances are that others had as well and if I could help or inspire just one person- well then why not.

Well time passed and I had to stop writing. I found myself writing about life instead of trying to live it and enjoy it. I thought one day my life will be in a much better place and I will bridge the gap and write the “happy ending” that you always want to read about in a book. I mean, who pours their heart and soul into a novel only to report that life got worse in the end. Where is the incentive to read that? Well 2 years after I stopped writing, I lost my job, went through a divorce, had to move and then watch my father slowly die before my eyes. I got to a point where writing was my only outlet again and so I started this blog. Over the years, writing has helped me through some very difficult times and had helped me to come to some very interesting realizations. I never plan out my writing- it just flows and from one day to the next, if my plan was to write about the same topic, each entry would be entirely different.


All that being said, are things so horrible in my life right now that I feel the need to write….well No, but I feel this overwhelming sense that I need to catch up and continue this. As someone pointed out, the things I write today may be cherished or important in years to come. And truth be told, I busted my ass in school to accomplish something I personally was so, so proud of, but if I could afford to not work, I really believe my true passion in life would be to write. I think I would find the time to bridge the gap between my former life and my current one and I would absolutely love to write everyday for a living. I doubt I will ever get that chance, but for now, I keep it going because these truly are life changing events that are happing in my life right now and it may be nice to look back one day.

OK, enough rambling….where to begin. Well, I think I left off in March or end of April that I personally was having some health concerns. My blood pressure was a bit wacky and they were sending me for some test to see if I had cervical cancer. The doctor of course said he would call either way with the results and of course they never do. I had to hound him after weeks of worry and he has some secretary or nurse chic call me back. She tells me that they found some abnormal cells and eventually in time they could turn into something to worry about but for right now I am OK and they will just keep an eye on things. Well what the hell does abnormal cells mean and what do you mean they could turn into something to worry about. She was vague at best and as a non- doctor, she probably shouldn’t even have been telling me that. I have no idea what she meant by that or how I was supposed to interpret it. It was almost as if she were saying “enjoy life now before you have to worry later?” OR “You are on borrowed time?” “It is only a matter of time before you do test positive for cancer?” I mean, I was very glad to not have to worry about cancer, but not having a clean bill of health either had me a bit concerned. For right now I just try and put it out of my head and live life the best I can.

I do have to admit though that for weeks I was convinced I would end up like my dad. I was convinced they would have to take half my reproductive organs out. I was convinced my fiancé who is such a wonderful person would be attending my funeral and trying to figure out what to do with all my affairs as my family certainly couldn’t handle it and I was about to move in with him. And in the process of all that had gone on in my former life, I had made peace with the fact that I had always wanted children and never had them. I had in my mind that if I did not have children by the time I was 34, I never would. Well this year I turned 35 and while I truly had made peace with living a childless life (I think)…..the whole experience got me thinking even more. As you read back in January, my brother’s wife who they said could never have children got pregnant unexpectedly. The news of that came as a low blow to me- a reaction I never imagined. Again I made peace with it and have remained indifferent, but the whole death, life, and not medically being able to have children if you wanted them got me to thinking how short life was and that maybe I needed to revisit this topic. I think back in April I had decided that if I was OK, maybe I should consider having a family because life really is short, you never know what it will throw your way and if I wait too long, perhaps it really will be too late- for biological reasons or for medically induced reasons.

And although I came to that realization, my fiancé who is 2 years older than I, seems to have a baby bug like nobodies business. He wants a baby so, so badly and has been pushing me to consider having one. So I go from have a baby while you still can, to him probing on the issue and me feeling that I am too old to start having kids. I think it would be so life altering at this point and financially I just don’t know how people do it. I guess you do what you have to do, but I lived in a life where I pinched pennies, sacrificed everything and I don’t want to go back there. I know that once my brother’s baby is born she will be so cute and cuddly and I will probably want one of my own, but for right now, I want one one minute and see it as the ultimate sacrifice the next. I am a BIG believer in things happening for a reason and that there is a bigger plan for all of us. Perhaps not our own plan, but that there is some sort of higher being that has a plan for all of us. If it was in the cards for me to have a child, I would embrace every moment of it and it truly would be such a miracle and a precious gift, but I am having a hard time consciously making that decision. At this point, it feels almost as if it would have to happen by accident or come as a complete surprise to me- not one I plan for. I go back and forth and I am having such a hard time with this.

I should probably take a step back for a moment and tell you that while it had been my plan to move in May when I finished school and life settled down, I did end up moving much sooner than I had anticipated. By mid April, I had moved into my fiancés home. He lives in a really great area where all the neighborhood kids play in the street. When you walk through the area there are schools nearby and I just think to myself what a great place to raise a family. We have 4 bedrooms and obviously there are only two of us living in this huge house. Some days I look in the back bedroom and see how empty the upstairs of the house is. They have all been converted to office space or guest rooms, but with the exception of the office, the other bedrooms get used far and few between. I admit, there are times when I think how it may be nice to fill them and it seems that every person that visits the house and wants a tour comments how we have room and need to fill them with kids. But consciously I can’t bring myself to make that decision. It’s almost like it would need to happen by accident at this point. If someone higher up feels that it is meant for me to have kids for some reason, then so be it, but I don’t feel as if that is my decision to be making at this point. Plus I tried for years with my ex to have children. It turned out in the end he was unable to have kids and maybe for good reasons. As badly as I wanted to have children at one point in my life, it worked out better for me that I never did given everything that I went through with him. But even so, after years of trying and failing and wanting something so bad- it is honestly one of the biggest heartaches and life disappointments that a person can intentionally put themselves through month after month. Who knows, maybe I too am unable to have children, but I can’t start putting myself through that torture all over again.

OK enough about the kids for now. As you just saw, I move out. It was one of the hardest decisions I have had to make in a long time. I was ready to move, I was so ready to move, but my mom was not prepared for it and I worried about her and cried over her well being for weeks and months. Even now I still do. The house is too much for her alone. Not only can she not afford it, but the maintenance of it- there is no way. I’d be running errands, in the grocery store and all the sudden start crying how my mom was going to be all alone, she has no one and I that I felt like I was abandoning her. I kept trying to buy more time on my move to give her time to mentally adjust. I moved or should I say snuck the non-essentials out of the house when she was working so that I did not upset her by moving my belongings while she was there. I know she knew I was moving, but I knew it would be too upsetting for her to see. Well little by little I had my stuff moved out quicker than expected and so I figured I may as well move the rest of it. I know I struggled for weeks afterwards as did she. I still do. Had I written at the time, you would have gotten much more impactful and emotional writing on this topic, but time has passed and I need to move on as does life.


My brother is trying to figure out where to live. He has a baby on the way and is renting a portion of a friend’s house which is way too small and not supposed to be set up as an apartment in the first place. He contemplated building an edition to my mom’s house but things got out of control and my mom’s demands kept getting greater and greater to the point it would have been cheaper to buy a house outright instead of building onto hers. My brother who is a bit of a financial delinquent was not sure he could afford it and was concerned if he can’t make the mortgage payments, both he and my mom would be living in the streets. My sister was telling my mom that the house is part hers and complaining that my brother gets everything and if she gave him the house it would break up the family and no one would talk to her again. I’m not sure where or when my sister became this materialistic person, but what has been going on lately, probably has my father rolling over in his grave. There is so much more to this but I don’t have the time to get into it now so perhaps it will be another entry at a later date. Personally do I think it is fair that my brother makes out like a bandit every time because he is the boy – NO, but in this case, I am more concerned with my mom’s well being and not the money unlike my sister. If my bother makes out best but is willing to take care of my mother, then that is really worth more than any money I will ever encounter upon her death. And while she tells me she fell down a flight of stairs the other day and I am so, so worried about her safety, mental, physical, emotional and financial well being, hopefully she will be around for many more years to come.

In the end, I think my brother decided just yesterday that it was in his best interest to rent a 2 bedroom apartment for the time being and take more time to figure out the house and a more permanent living situations. I know deep down my mom was upset and highly disappointed by the decision. She is for the first time in her entire life living alone and is in well over her head. I worry like you would not believe but while we may not like it or understand the reasoning at the time, somehow have a way of working out in the end or happening for a reason. We have been trying to convince my mom she needs to sell the house but she insists she is fine. There has always been someone there to help her, but no longer. Yesterday my brother and I went over and spent hours doing yard work for her but we can’t do that all the time. I have my own life and my own yard to maintain and my brother has a baby on the way and is doing all sorts of side jobs to make extra money and is on overload as is. I hate to say it, but perhaps my mom needs to struggle some to come to the realization that the house needs to be sold and she needs to consider downgrading her living accommodations. I hate to sit back and watch it and my heart breaks for her every single day. I loose sleep over her well being daily, but perhaps this all happened for a reason. Of course in the beginning I thought I moved out and my brother had nowhere to live and it was perfect timing. I figured he would move in and have a second room for the baby that I used to use as my office. My mom could help with the baby and my brother could help with the house, but I guess that was not the reason. I know my brother too is torn up about my mom and cries over the situation all the time. I think he personally has a lot of weight on his shoulders for someone of such a young age. I also think he has a lot of regrets with my father and doesn’t want to make the same mistakes with my mother. He feels that if something happens to her, it will be all his fault and he did not help her or do right by her when he had the chance.

In the end I suppose it will all work out for the best. Maybe this is all happening so my mom has the time to really contemplate her living situation. None of us can get through to her and if she decided to sell the house, I think it has to be her decision or she will only resent us all for making her make such a drastic change in her life. For right now, I think she is alone, afraid and a bit sad. I hate to inflict pain or hurt on anyone and I know I personally made her hurt and it kills me inside. I think my brother feels similarly. As for my sister, well the only thing she seems to be torn up over is who gets a bigger piece of the pot. I think the Vegas sun is baking her brain. I have no idea what got into her lately but she has my mom talking as if she is dead tomorrow and what to do with her stuff so no one has to fight over it later. I hate that all this is going on- I just hate it. I could go on for hours but I have to play catch up and keep moving along so let me do just that.

In between moving and personal issues, I finished school. I busted my ass and studied like I have never in my life studied before. I passed my final by one point and at times I was so ready to quit. I walked out of the final thinking I had failed. I knew that my class exam grades were high enough that I would pass the course even if I failed the final, but as I had a certification test to study for- failing wasn’t really my plan. Granted the final was stuff that was both going to be on my certification exam as well as higher level certification which did not pertain to me, but nonetheless, I walked out of my final ready to give up and wondered if I should even take the certification exam although I had already paid my $250 to take it and it was non-refundable. Well I got my final exam grade back and saw that I had passed by one point. I was disappointed that I had done so horribly after getting 90’s and 100’s on all my other exams, but that one point gave me the push I needed to study hard and give it my all. So on May 14, 2011, with all the nerves you could muster, I walked into the computer testing center, put all my belongings in a locker, got my pockets search and sat for 4 long hours in a room with a video camera on me to ensure I did not cheat while taking what was quite possibly the hardest exam I have ever taken in my entire life. I was certain I had failed. There were points I moved the curser around and said whatever it lands on will be my answer…… and it was. I brought my dad with me that day as I wore his thumb print around my neck for luck and then I prayed like nobodies business. Somehow, by the grace of God, I passed my exam. When I saw the screen flash that my preliminary results were that I passed, I looked up, thanked God, grabbed my thumbie and kissed it and then I began crying in the test center. The test took so much longer than I expected but since I was so close, with 15 minutes to spare, I drove over to the cemetery to see my dad. I basically told him that I know he was never really proud of me for anything I did in my life, but that he should be proud of me today because I accomplished something so great and I was so proud of myself. The national pass rate is only 50% and luckily for me, I was in that 50% and am now PHR certified. (For those of you that don’t know, the PHR Certification is in the HR field to what the CPA Certification is in the Accounting world or what the Barr Exam is in the law industry.)

Having that huge milestone and accomplishment behind me, I jumped right into fundraising. The week after the exam I did the Liver Life Walk in memory of my father. I almost didn’t do it this year as life was way too stressful and hectic with the school and a move, but I vowed to do it every year and I am a person of my word. I wish I had more time and effort to put into it. Last year I gave it my all. Any yes perhaps the sympathy thing was going for me last year as it was the year my dad had passed and the walk was so soon after. As a team, last year we raised over $10,000 and it was one of my proudest achievements. I spent the following year thinking up ideas of how to raise the bar, but when push came to shove, I just didn’t have the time. So I did what I could and I thank all those who helped- big or small. While we barely broke the $2,000 mark this year and it feels like a failure compared to last years milestone, I know it the end that something is better than nothing and I am so, so grateful to all those that contributed and supported the cause. Every little bit counts and together we did make a difference!

I do have to say though that this year, the walk was more emotional for me. Last year I put my energy into it and made it my mission. I was doing it for Dad and to help other who suffered as he had. This year, it was still for him, in memory of him and to help others at the same time. There was one team with a little girl, maybe 7 or 10 that had come down with liver disease and had a huge team. My brother who told me that he would never do it again, ironically ended up on the front cover of the brochure with part of my team from last year and it turns out he did show up this year carrying a sign that said, “In memory of Tony Jerome Sr.” There were people waking around with T-Shirts with photos of their loved one’s that had passed that said, “Our hero is now our Angel”. It just really hit home why I was there and who was no longer here.

My father had loved to fish. Fishing and photography were his two biggest passions in life. One of the posters from last year (and I think the photo on the walk site) is of him holding up a fish he caught. This year they had a man making balloon animals for the kids. My team had him make hats with fish hanging off of them and fishing poles in memory of my dad. They had face painting and several team members including my mom had fish painted on their face. So as we began to walk for liver disease and for my dad, we marched holding our posters, wearing fish hats, holding fishing poles and with fish painted on our cheeks. This year fish became the new theme for the team- a theme I have no doubt will carry through for years to come.

I miss my dad so much. I miss him every day. As I sit here and write this, my face is covered in tears because as soon as I finish this, I am headed to the cemetery to visit him. It has been a very emotional year for me and I couldn’t bring myself to just go visit him and sit there and cry, but today I have to. Today is Father’s Day! For all the good memories and years we had together, I still have a hard time getting the visions of him being so sick out of my head. I watched him die right before my eyes. I watch a jolly man turn weak and fragile and forgetful. I watched him grow thinner than I. I watched him suffer, I sat by his bed in the hospital when the monitors all flatlined and I reached over, removed all the wires from his body and put my hands on his face, closing his eyelids as my hands went from his forehead downward. I wish I could get that visual out of my head. I close my eyes at night to go to sleep sometimes and I see that vision of my father half dead in the hospital bed and I have to open my eyes and think of something happier before I try to shut my eyes again. I hate that I remember him that way and I hate that he is not here. I hate that he missed my brother’s wedding. I hate that he will not see his first granddaughter be born. I hate that I am about to plan a wedding of my own and he will not be there either. I hate that I have to worry about my mom as I do. I hate that she is all alone. I hate that he died so young and I hate that I have to remember my father so sickly. I wish things did not have to be this way, but they are and there is nothing I can do to change that. Oh and I hate that even after his death, my father can’t rest in peace.

It turns out my ex is down in Florida using my father’s social security number to take out loans. We did report my father’s death to the social security administration so I am not sure how he even managed this one, but it seems since they can’t collect from my ex, bill collectors are harassing my mother at home. I personally heard one of the messages for myself. It seems that after my father passed, my ex thought no one would be the wiser. He has hacked my father’s computer in the past after we separated so I have no idea what information he has gotten a hold of. Somehow my ex must have gotten a hold of my father’s social- maybe applied for something online but my ex took out loans and had my father listed as a co-signer. Since my ex has defaulted on the loans, they are now calling my father to collect. He obviously is not around to get the phone calls, so they are harassing my mom. My mother had to explain that my father is dead and there is no way that my father could have possibly co-signed anything for him. The people didn’t even know what to say.

If you have learned anything about my ex over the years, you should know that he is a real piece of work and a major con-artist. I mean my ex has done some pretty scummy things in his day, but this has to take the cake. I tried to call him up and give him a piece of my mind, but can’t even find a number for him that is not disconnected or out of service. And then to make matters worse, my father was alive for a few weeks last year and got one paycheck so my mother had to file her tax refund joint again. It turns out the IRS rejected her tax return because someone has been using my father’s social security number and has already filed a tax return to get a refund. Since my ex is on social security disability as a result of an ailment he faked, I am wondering if he assumed my father’s social to work and get some extra money on the side without it getting back to the government that cuts his SSDI check each month. And yes, my ex is capable of something to this magnitude and of forging a social security card that to the untrained eye would be undetectable. He is a major con artist and I would not put it past him. Of course we have no way to prove this, but my mom had to go down the IRS and they are doing some sort of investigation. I was so caught up with school and everything else that I did not have time to look into it myself, but now that some time has freed up, I think I will call the credit bureaus and report the fraud so they can go after him. I also have an acquaintance that is a police detective. She informs me that since my mother and father lived in Suffolk County, we can report it here and they may go after my ex in Florida since technically my parents are the victims of a crime. One way or another my ex will meet his maker and I can only hope it happens sooner rather than later.

Well I have gone on and on for far too long. There are still a few more things I need to say, but there is always another day. I am going to head out to visit my father at the cemetery now. To all you dad’s out there, HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! And to those of you who have a dad still in your life, cherish them while you still can.

Until I write again……