People are coming around

August 28, 2010

I have a few minutes and although it has only been a few days since my last entry, a lot has happened.

I started my new job on Wednesday. I think I am being underpaid for the work I will be doing in comparison to what is fair market value for this position, but I am so happy to be working and in a setting that I have been trying to break into for over a year, that I am not complaining. Already I can tell the place is a bit unorganized. They hired a new director in my division back in April and he has been working to improve things but I think he too knows how messed up it is. I figure I will get my feet wet and then recommend changes that make sense to improve things and make them a bit more efficient, at least from the standpoint of doing my job. With respect to some things, they are a bit stone age. All in all though, I am glad to have a job close to home and I already know I am working with a good group of people and will be learning so much. I think the current girl who is doing the recruiting doesn’t really have enough experience under her belt and as a result is constantly trying to fit a square peg into a round hole from time to time to get things off her plate. If I can better qualify the people, hopefully the revolving door of employees will slow down some and they will give me other projects to work on on the side. For right now, it is a job and like everything else, I plan to make the most of it. Once I get settled in some and know my job is secure, I will start making arrangements to take classes to get an industry certification that I think will benefit me in this job and in any others down the line.

Other than the new job which I am sure you will hear more about over the month, some recent developments have taken place with the family- my father’s side of the family that is. My cousin (or second cousin I guess) reached out to me on Facebook. To give you an understanding of whom I am taking about, let me give you a brief family history. My aunt, my father’s sister who may have been referred to as the Drama Queen, is the one who recently yelled at me for inviting her to the wedding brunch and told me that my mother was my cross to bear. Her daughter, my cousin; is the one that made it well known that she would not be going to the wedding and was not regretting it. She has two daughters who I suppose are my second cousins. They are whom I will now be referring.

Now that we have a brief family tree, I will continue on. My cousin reached out to me via Facebook to see how I was doing. I wrote a note back that just because her mother and grandmother would not be attending the wedding, did not mean they were not welcome to come if they changed their mind. I also let them know there was a brunch which they were invited to. Well through a chain of e-mails and then eventual phone calls, I came to learn that they were never told of the wedding, bridal shower or rehearsal. As it turns out their mother hid the invite, told them that none of them were invited, pretended she did not know when the wedding was or continuously made up reasons they could not go. I did not want to get into a tit for tat or your mother did this, your grandmother said that, but I did say that a lot has gone on and their mother responded very rudely to the invite. I told them that my brother was very hurt and embarrassed and hoped that someone from his father’s side of the family would be there. I explained that my brother had made arrangements to have them listed in the program, walk down the aisle and ordered flowers for them and now he had to redo everything.

Long story short, I think they were both appalled, embarrassed, upset and disgusted not only at what has gone on in the family but by how their mother had reacted. One of them even said to me that they normally do not like to take sides on stuff like this, but in this case, they kind of feel their mother and grandmother are a bit more in the wrong. They tried to explain to their mother and grandmother that the phone works both ways and little things should not be held as grudges and break the family apart but it apparently goes in one ear and out the other.

In conclusion as this may be my shortest blog entry yet, my cousins are now both attending the wedding. We are trying to get together in the next few weeks to catch up. My brother, mother and myself as well as my sister are all very happy that they will be joining us and have realized how ridiculous this is and that the family feud has gone on long enough.

Before I go, I will share with you the contents of the messages they sent to me blanking out their names of course.

Cousin A wrote:

Net,

Its really good to hear from you. No one told me any of this! I can't believe it. I thought everyone was going to the wedding. I never saw the RSVP information or anything regarding the shower either. Tell anthony and tara that lack of communication on my part was from really not knowing any of this information. I'm also upset that there is a lack of correspondance in our family and I agree with you completely that we should talk or get together more.


I'm going to ask (COUSIN B- her sister) if she would like to come to the wedding. I'm sure I wil be able to go and I'm sure she would love to as well. I will have someone take my sections or switch with me that day so I can attend. I really woudldnt want to miss it. Would I be allowed to bring a guest?
Mom has been giving me a hard time lately. I have been thinking about not speaking with her for a long period of time and I have decided to never live there again when I come back from school. This incident makes me more sure of my decision.


I hope to hear from you soon. Its better to have these types of conversations in email. Ill call you in a few days too once everything is settled upstate and I finish unpacking. I'm leaving to go up there shortly.

-cousin A

In another message, her younger sister wrote me the following message:

Hi Net,

I know it's been a while since me or anyone in my family has tried to contact you, and for that I apologize. I really do miss all of you guys :[


I asked my mom about Tara and Anthony's wedding a few times, especially over the last few weeks. Each time she would say "we're not going" or "I forgot when it is" or make up some excuse as to why none of us could go. However, I never lost interest in going. It really would mean the world to both me and Cousin A(her sister) to see our cousin get married, so if it's not too late to RSVP then I would like to do so. I would've done it sooner, but I had no idea when the wedding was or that anyone would want to go with me.


Cousin A mentioned it to me this morning at breakfast and I got so excited! Even if it turns out that she can't make it for some reason, I will definitely be there regardless of the date or time. If it's too late to RSVP then I understand. Either way, I can speak for both my sister and myself when I say that it would be nice to see all of you again, maybe for lunch or something one day soon.


Send my love to the rest of the family,


Cousin B

And with that- it looks like some members of the family have come around. As this is my first day to relax after a chaotic week, I am going to try and sit by the pool for a bit. This concludes my update for today.

Until I write again…..

It's Official!

Well it is official!  I just spoke to the new company I will be joining and it looks like tomorrow will be my start date.  I wish I had time to unwind for a few days to destress before starting, but I suppose the sooner I start, the sooner I get a paycheck and the sooner I will fall back into a normal life and routine.  Hopefully this year will not be a complete waste and it will still end up being my year.  Two of the three major things I wanted to happen this year look like they have fallen into place.....assuming this job is a good one and has staying power that is.  The year took several unexpected twists and turns, but many good things have come out of it and I am truly blessed and grateful.

YEAH!!!!!  I have a job- let's hope this is it for job searching for a very long time.  Wish me luck!

Today I am nervous, anxious and excited, but mostly all smiles......what a difference a few months can make!

Until I write again.......(And it won't be today....LOL)

Finishing up where I left off

I promised you that I would finish up where I left off and bring you up to speed. It has been a bit of a mixed month for many reasons, so let me explain.
As you probably know, I lost my job for the second time in a year. After taking a year to find work, the company I joined went out of business 2 months after I started there for illegal activities. I am not sure it was my calling in life and I am happy I did not get caught up in all the investigations so I suppose I should consider myself lucky. Not working for very long and not knowing what to do, I was informed by unemployment to file under my old claim - so I did. The problem with that is that I was already on unemployment for a year, in emergency extended benefits status and they had no idea how long that would last or if a new claim would even be approved. I took my chances and did as they told me to do. Well some time at the end of July/ beginning of August, the funds ran out. They had to wait for Congress to pass extensions and until that happened, any money I was already entitled to under my old extension had been suspended. They advised me to continue to file although I was not getting paid and were going to attempt to file me a new claim since I worked briefly in the second quarter.

I’m not sure if I had mentioned this to you in previous entries, but I basically had no income at all for a few weeks to a month. It was not pretty and it is most likely what prompted me to get so upset about comments made by people or not wanting go places on vacation with no funds to pay for them and not knowing what the future would hold. I went into all out panic mode and started applying for anything- temp work, part time jobs, I was considering contract work. It was a very crazy, stressful period for me. At a time when I had hoped to start fresh in a new direction, there I was looking for anything, and I mean anything just to have some money coming in to pay bills.

Now that some time has passed, I can tell you that it took a while but I got paid for the time I missed, minus one week (I think) and the unemployment situation has been rectified. Of course it was never my plan to be on unemployment for this long and while there are people that scam the system, I am not one of them. It is also not my plan to continue to make unemployment my safety net so the search continued. About 2 or three weeks ago today actually, I saw a job listing for the type of job I was hoping to secure and it was in a nearby town so the commute would be so nice. I wrote a kick ass cover letter, submitted my resume, looked up the sky, said a little prayer, and begged a bit and two hours later I got a call to come in for an interview. It was not my dream job, dream company and certainly not the best benefits or pay, but it was a foot in the door and a big step in the right direction. I was secretly hoping, but not putting all my eggs in one basket as these things tend to not end up the way I want them to.

At the end of the 1st interview I was told they had others in the process, I was only the second interview and that I could expect a call back in about a week to let me know if I was in the running for a 2nd interview. Well they must have loved me because I have been in the staffing industry long enough to know that usually do not move that quickly unless you are a superstar. Three days later I had gotten a call back to come in for a second interview to meet with the Director and the rest of the team.

I assumed the 2nd interview went well but the director told me to follow up with him in 3-4 days and he would be closer to a decision or at least let me know where things stood. I had not even been home two hours, I had not even started my thank you note and I got a call from the recruiter wanting to know if I could come in for my 3rd interview to tour the facilities and get my paperwork to have my drug screen done. Talk about moving quickly. I know from my years in the industry that unless they are serious and you are a top contender, you do not get to the background and drug phase if you are not going to be extended an offer pending the results as that typically costs companies money.

So two days later I went in again, had a great meeting with the Director, we talked money and I tried to negotiate for a better deal. I felt we were at that stage so I let him know that if he was at the reference checking stage, one of my references would be away the following week taking her daughter to college and therefore they may only be able to get a hold of her in the next two days. Well let me just say that before I could even get home and notify my references that there was a chance they could be contacted, they had already called a few of them. I was 99% sure I had the job but I was not going to get excited until the offer was in hand.

I went away for the weekend with my boyfriend- the Annapolis trip that I had complained of two blog entries ago. We had a great time. While he did pay for almost everything, I paid for a few small things here or there or where he would let me. He really is so wonderful to me and we get along so well. As he would say- you never know where the future will take you, but I am hopeful and we will see where things leads. For right now, he owes me a few brush up dance lessons and a date to my brother’s wedding where he can twirl me around and hopefully meet the normal side or my family.

In Annapolis, we toured the Naval Academy, went on a sunset sail around the Bay and cracked blue claw crabs with mallets. We had a good time and while it was brief, I think we both needed the time away from everyday life. Yesterday was my first day back and not knowing how things would transpire, I began looking for work and following up on other job leads I had. Towards 4pm, I got a call from the Director who extended me the offer I had been hoping for and he did go up slightly in salary. I almost let it go just to be working again, but I was advised that if they liked me that much, it could not hurt to ask and they would not throw me out of the running for trying to get a higher salary. I am still taking a 30K or so pay cut from my last job, but it is a giant step up from my unemployment income. The benefits are so so but most importantly, I think it is an opportunity for me to learn and expand my horizons in the field I was truly hoping to be in. The commute is awesome and after learning this morning that a friend of mine that lost her job just got evicted from her apartment along with her two kids, I am truly blessed to even be starting a new job. Well almost starting. We had discussed a possible start date as soon as tomorrow but he told me to think about it over night. I called this morning to accept but got voicemail so I am kind of on pins and needles walking around with the phone glued to my side until it is official and I have a start date and instructions of what to do, where to report and who to ask for on my first day. Other than that, my biggest problem right now is what to wear my first day. I normally like to wear a suit and while I have lots of business attire, I only have three actual suits- all of which I wore to the interviews so I may have to tear through the closet and improvise some.

I think I am just about caught up minus a few things. As I’m sure you know, I booked a trip to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving with my boyfriend and to be with my family for the holiday. My boyfriend offered to pay but I felt bad. Initially the trip was to be for Hawaii and while Vegas and Hawaii are two different animals, Hawaii is more expensive and not knowing my job situation or his as his company may be merging or selling off his division, we opted to stay with my sister so we could get away but it would cost less. He of course offered to pay, but initially I laid the trip out on my credit card. Last week he gave me the money for the entire trip. I felt bad so I made him at least deduct my plane fare with the intention of figuring out the other portion of the trip as we got closer and saw what the work situation was. Even though it will be a family trip, we plan to rent a car and stay in a hotel two nights to have some freedom and make it more vacation like. The point I bring all this up is that I want to say Thank You to my boyfriend for being so wonderful. He is probably one of the few if only people that reads this from time to time. I also want to say Thank You for making good on your financial promises. Not that I had any reason to not trust him, but I have been burnt in the past very badly financially by people and so I am always nervous about laying money out for people- family included. A friend of mine is engaged and shouldn’t be as far as I am concerned but every time I talk to her, she complains about how she lent him money, he owes her thousands and never even makes an attempt to pay her back. I certainly did not want to fall into that boat and I am glad I did not have to. Even if you lend someone money and they can not afford to pay it back all at once, as long as they make an attempt- a few dollars here and there as they can afford- it goes a long way with me. Anyway, I am glad I do not have that problem and am grateful after all these years to be with someone that is financially responsible.

While I am saying Thank You’s, I just want to thank him for being patient with me and for sticking with me during some of the most troubling and unstable months in my life. I now owe him for everything he has done for me and for all that he has put up with over the few months we have been together. A big Thank You to my mother who probably will never read this as she can barely turn on the computer, but nonetheless, she has basically been supporting me at a time in my life when that should not have been her responsibility. Of course, it has been a rough few years so I was here for her at a time she needed me and the living situation while interesting, stressful and not ideal has for the time being been mutually beneficial to the both of us.

And a big UN- Thank You goes out to my lawyer. I assumed I would be almost done with my divorce by now and so I called the courts to see where things stood. Much to my dismay, I learned that I should probably check with my lawyer because she never filed the paperwork with the courts. I was told back in the end of June or early July that it had been signed by both parties and was on the lawyer’s desk for review and to be filed shortly. Well 2 months later I have come to learn she never did so. I got a song and a dance about how there were others ahead of me, then she was in trial and then she was on vacation and now there are still a few more cases before mine. Well it is not a damn trial she has to prepare for. She just had to make sure it is signed in all the right places and submit it so it can go on some judge’s calendar. Personally, I think I was fed a line of crap by her assistant and that the paperwork got misplaced for the past two months. I wish I was officially divorced, but I guess I will just have to wait a few more months until that is the case. I was so hoping to start a new job with a new name and not have to have questions asked later when I needed to change things, but I guess some things just need more time. It is what it is and I have waited this long so what is a few more months. I am told I will feel differently when it is official. I really don’t think so. I just think I will be happy that I no longer have to keep tabs on his whereabouts in case something slips through the cracks and I will no longer have to play nice in the sandbox to keep the peace so he signs documents. Once it is official- delete, block, delete and have a good life and stay out of mine!

And with that last piece of trivial, I think I have completed my update for the time being. I am pretty certain I will be starting a new job tomorrow so this may be my last entry for a bit until I can find some time or there is something worthy of mentioning. I just wish the guy would call back already to make it official so I don’t have to be on pins and needles all day and I can plan my day accordingly.

Wish me luck and say a prayer for me that this job it is good for me, I kick butt and take names and that the company is stable and does not go out of business in the next two months like the last one did.

Until I write again…..

The Family Drama

August 23, 2010

Life has been going at a very fast pace these past few weeks. There is actually no major drama going on in my life TODAY, but it has been a while and I like to keep things current so that anyone stumbling upon my blog is up to day with the happenings in my life. I suppose it is a good thing to write for the sake of writing and not because you have to to get stuff off your chest.

I have to say that my boyfriend is wonderful and while my last entry had me a bit upset with him, we really are good together. He is super supportive of me. He lets me vent, helps me solve the problems in my life and lets me ramble about whatever is on my mind. And while there may come a day- as of yet, he has never complained about it once. We have excellent communication and give and take and he has been a sounding board for much of the issues in my life that I might otherwise have to write about to get off my chest. So while he may be good for me, he may not be so much for you as he hears more of my life gossip and drama than I now write about. But all in all, I am not one to start a project and then abandon it. I figure it has been a while, a lot has happened and an update is probably called for. I will TRY and make it brief, but you know me and it most likely will not be that brief as I have so much to fill you in on.

Let me get started….

I guess I will start with the drama in my life created by others. As you should all be aware by this point, my brother is getting married in a month and my father’s side of the family has unfortunately been at odds since his passing. To give you a quick update on that one- the bridal shower was two weekends ago and my aunt and cousin, ages 74 and 58 respectively, decided they would not be going to the shower but did mail a gift to the house for me to bring. I called my aunt to inform her the package had arrived and she got all snippety that the package was from both of them and wanted to know why her daughter (my cousin) was not invited to anything and why we had been ignoring her grandchildren. For the record- they were all invited. Also for the record, we have reached out to them multiple times only to be ignored or replied to in a very rude and uncalled for fashion. My mother has stopped communicating with them a while back as a result of that and the fact that my aunt sent a very hurtful kiss off letter to my sister. They no longer speak and I try and do the right thing and keep the peach but it has been hard. Up until now, I was the only one my aunt really spoke with. Of course every time she calls I get a mouth full about how it is all my mother’s fault this happened, she knows things but will not get into it and them tells me that my father always said my mother wanted him dead so she could collect his life insurance money. Also for the record- he had life insurance, and my mother is comfortable for a while until she figures out a new game plan and as long as she lives a moderate lifestyle, but it is not as if he left millions and none of us ever have to work another day in our lives.

If you follow my blog you will know there has been non-stop drama with this side of the family and much of it I never even got a chance to write about but it has been NON- STOP. Anyway, I called to tell my aunt I had got her package and that we were planning a rehearsal brunch and hoped she could make it to that one. I got a nasty message back and I mean nasty. I think personally she has issues with my mother and not being part of things so she takes it out on me at times. I have bit my tongue for the most part. My father always did take her side and said how she was old and lived alone. I do feel for her but she is so damn negative that I call and then retreat. I often think of asking her out to lunch but she constantly bashes my mother or dredges up stuff about my father and how I have no clue what she is going through. I mean he was only my father- what could I possibly know about what it is like to lose a significant person in your life. Regardless, the fact remains, he is gone, he will not be coming back- it is sad, maybe even tragic, but he remains in our hearts and our memories and we all just need to move on. As the wedding gets closer, I hear from my future sister in law that my brother is having a real rough time and breaks down crying over the stupidest of things should they remind him of our father. I think the timing of things makes it hard to not think that someone who should be at his wedding will not be there, but we have all moved on the best we know how and do not make his death ours. Our lives go on and so we must move on. My aunt on the other hand apparently chooses to make his death hers. She sits at home in self pity crying and feeling sorry for herself and refusing to do anything or speak a kind word to any of us. I have never seen anything like it. My father’s passing tore the entire family apart and instead of moving on together and carrying on traditions, she has decided to give us the Italian horn.

Well apparently the apple does not fall far from the tree. Her daughter is just as bitter and just as nasty and spiteful. She has a drinking problem, financial problems and after her most recent incident, a brain problem. My cousin mailed back the RSVP for my brother’s wedding and crossed out in red marker the Decline with Regret and circled DECLINE. Now if you are not coming, can’t make it or don’t plan on going for personal vendetta issues- that is one thing. But to cross out and have it be know you do not regret you can not attend is totally uncalled for. And if it was meant to make a statement to my mother- the RSVP’s did not even go to my mother, they went to the bride’s mother.

Now as I mentioned, my mother has been asked to put together a wedding rehearsal brunch instead of the usual rehearsal dinner for the bridal party and close friends and relatives of the family so they can meet prior to the wedding. I helped my mother plan the event and last week I printed and mailed out formal invitations. Everyone was so delighted, could not wait to come etc. etc. Well everyone except my aunt of course. She called up the house asking for my mother. Now she has not called the house in months. Normally she gets me on my cell phone and I have to take the call outside so my mother does not get annoyed I am talking to her after all the destruction she has done to the family. For some reason, she had her goat up and decided to call and give my mother a piece of her mind. My mother was out at the time so I told her she could try back in about an hour. Long story short- she told me that perhaps I could give my mother a message for her. She then proceeded to yell at me and said, “HOW DARE YOU EVEN THINK TO INVITE ME TO THIS BRIDAL BRUNCH. AFTER ALL THIS TIME I GET AN INVITE LIKE I AM SOMEONE YOU HAVE NOT SPOKEN TO IN 20 YEARS.” She then went on to say how we had some nerve to send her that- making an announcement in an invite that my mother was hosting a brunch for the wedding. She went on about how I had no idea what was going on- she knows stuff about my mother- bad, bad stuff but would not get into it. She wanted to know why no one calls her daughter and her grandkids. I mean it was like I was in a firing squad and I was totally at a loss for words.

I tried to explain to her that her daughter had been contacted but called leaving nasty drunken messages for us and that my mother and I have called her with no reply. What is the reason to keep reaching out to someone that ignores you or leaves hostile messages on the machine? I pointed out her grandchildren had ignore my last few attempts and while they were based on the retrieval of my father’s photo equipment and not more personal matters- it would have been the polite thing to at least acknowledge us. It was not exactly easy to go through every piece of equipment he ever owned and then be hit with resistance, ignorance and hostility from family members at a difficult time.

Let’s just say that she kept firing at me and beating on me and at a total loss for words for why I was being yelled at for inviting her to a family function and trying to make her still be a part of the family, I just stood there. When she finally stopped for a breath to ask if I heard her, I just told her that I really do not know what she wanted me to say to her. I explained my side of thing, told her I always call and tell her if she needs to talk or needs help but she never can talk about it or it is not at her liberty to say. What liberty- I ask how you are, you are having medical tests and call to see how they went and if she needs anything and she is “not at liberty to say”. Well the hell with that. I was tired of being her punching bag so I fought back. She wanted to yell at me….well bring it on. So I let her have it. I then told her that I know she is old and lives alone- I ask if she needs anything and she can never talk. I told her that I think of inviting her out for lunch but then every call I get a mouthful about what a bad person my mother is and so I change my mind. I told her that I do not need to hear that every time I talk to her and don’t need all the negativity. She then apologized to me and told me she understood. You see my aunt does not get along with her daughter at all. She told me that her daughter was her cross to bear and she guesses that my mother was my cross to bear. She then went on to apologize to me for having to deal with my mother. She went on to say stuff about her health and I told her that I call and ask and she never can tell me anything. To this she mentioned that her daughter would not want me to know what is going on. I just replied, “What the hell do your health issues have to do with what you daughter wants me to know. I call to check on you and you can never get into it, get upset and then have to go yet you are here now yelling at me for not calling or being involved.” And true to fashion, my aunt once again started with the tears and told me she needed to get off the phone. So I said good bye and after that lovely encounter, I don’t care if it is the right thing or what my father would have wanted- I am done with her.

Life is too short to deal with that drama and all the negativity that comes along with it. I have made some hard choices over the past year and I said that no one who brings dysfunction into my life will stay in my life. I left my ex- actually I left two of them for bringing the dysfunction so that I could find myself in a better and a more peaceful place in my life. Normally I am all for family and have their back, but not when they treat you like this. I feel sorry for her, I wish her well and if she ever truly needs me, I will be there for her because that is just who I am as a person, but for right now, I am cutting her out of my life like a bad cancer. I hope the powers that be and my father and anyone else who disagree with this decision forgive me or at least one day come to understand it. But for right now, I need to focus on being positive, staying focused and getting my life back on track and I am not about to let people pull me backwards or pull me down- family included.

I suppose my family drama has been about the most crazy thing to happen this month and I could write 10 more pages on what has transpired this month alone without even getting into all the past stuff. My brother was hurt by their actions as were my mother, future sister in law and after this most recent outbreak- I suppose so was I. I have already spent enough time on them so I will end it there. I hope to not have to report any more issues on the family front, but you never know with these folks. Unfortunately they have taken up a big chunk of my time and I am out of time to write today. I have so much more to say to make my update complete but I think I will have to call it a wrap. Perhaps I will try to briefly bring you up to speed with everything else tomorrow. After that, my time to write will be really limited and you will soon find out why.

Until I write again…..

I think I am going to vomit

Right about now I should be actively and vigorously looking for a job. I have no choice really- my unemployment ran out, my bills have not gone away but I have zero income coming in. At this point I should probably start looking for something part time or even full time in retail just to hold me over. If I work nights and weekends, I suppose that would keep my days free to interview and look for work. The problem is that I have been so consumed with trying to find actual work that would be permanent that I have not put much emphasis on looking for part time work just to hold me over so I had some money coming in. I suppose now I have make that a priority. I will just have to double up my efforts and spend half the day looking for real work and half the day looking for something temporary.

The entire situation just sucks. Never in a million years did I predict being in this predicament. Never in a million years did I think it would take me a year to find work and then two short months later be out of work again because the company that hired me went out of business. Never did I think I would be unemployed this long. Never did I think that with all the extensions that were passed that I would run out of unemployment benefits.

They instructed me to file a new claim as I worked briefly last quarter but there were no guarantees that would be approved. They told me just to keep filing in the usual manner which I am doing, but nothing had come my way as of yet. While I know there are some people that scam the system and take advantage of the situation, I am not one of them.

At the funeral wake I went to last week I ran into several people I used to work with including the VP of the company who I spoke with for some time. He must feel bad as he has various people in the office contacting me for one crap job or another. The latest is for a recruiting position with a very large and well established company that I have actually been trying to get into for some time now. Unfortunate for me, they contract out all their recruiting spots for one reason or another. So the position I am being offered right now is a contract assignment expected to only last for 3 months.

Talking a temporary assignment with no hopes that it will lead to anything permanent is certainly not a boat I ever saw myself getting into and the thought kind of makes me sick to my stomach. Right now it looks as if it is a 3 month assignment but what happens after that. Well I will tell you- I am right back where I started- UNEMPLOYED. IF I am even selected for this project and that is a big IF, the only benefit would be that it gets me some corporate recruiting experience on my resume which may help me in the future, but as of right now- that would be the only plus. Of course the work experience and to have some cash coming in would also be a nice perk.

So what’s the downside? Well for starters after my last company went out of business, I was no longer eligible for health or even COBRA coverage. I had to go on a state subsidized health insurance plan and as it is really meant for low income individuals. If they find out I am making more than I originally was when I became eligible, I am at risk of losing my coverage altogether. The agency can get me something in the way of insurance, but it is pricey. And what pisses me off the most is that I heard originally of this spot from another staffing agency. Unfortunately the benefits they offered where much more expensive and did not cover one doctor or hospital group in the area so I was not able to move forward with the situation. What the other agency did offer was a lot more money for the same spot. My former employer is trying to screw me over on the bill rate to put more money in the company or recruiters pocket. I mean you think they would have some loyalty to an employee they had to let go of after 10 years of service. If I wasn’t so concerned about covering myself with health insurance just in case, I would totally call up and go through the other company and the hell with my former employer. I guess it just goes to show you that you should look out for yourself in this world because no one else seems to care.

Obviously my preference would be to find a job- a real job with actual benefits, a steady paycheck and that I knew was not going to end in 3 months. I can’t make a second career out of being a full time job seeker. The entire situation makes me feel like I just want to throw up on demand. And then what- what happens in 3 months…. I get to do the dreaded job search all over again? What I need right now is some sort of job miracle. Surely someone up there had to be looking out for me. I think my dad must be in training or more concerned with other family members because he sure as hell is not doing a good job helping to get my job situation on the right track. Even so, I miss him all the same and everyday wish he was here. I fluctuate between reality and a state of surreal where I can’t believe this is all happening and he is gone for good. Had he been older, perhaps it would have been more OK, but he really was not all that old despite the gray in his beard and the balding of his head which we teased him of often.

OK…. Back on track as this was not supposed to be a daddy issue entry. I just happened to be walking this morning to try and clear my head and a Billy Joel song came on that reminded me of a concert we had gone to just 2 years ago. What a difference time makes and sometimes not always for the better.

Anyway- the reason I started to write today was because I was feeling a bit blue, anxious, nervous and pathetic. I am trying my best to stay positive and focused, but sometimes it is very hard and other times you get slapped in the face with reality and it hurts real bad. The situation is what it is but there is a part of me that needs to get stuff off my chest before I can move on and focus on the sad state of affairs that has become of my life. I need to clear my head some so I can focus on my job search, of course it is a double edged sword because the time I waste writing this, is valuable time I could be using in much more productive ways.

I was having a good weekend for the most part when I suppose I set myself up for something. First, let me take you back to last week. I had to look for shoes to wear for my brothers wedding- an expense I wish I did not have as I will probably only wear the shoes that one time. Anyway, my mother came along and then wanted to go out to eat. I try to not go out if I can to save money when possible but my mother never really goes anywhere, does anything and loves to eat out for whatever reason. I walk a fine line between keeping the peace, making her happy and trying not to make myself more anxious. Well against my better judgment we ended up out to eat. When the bill came I reached into my pocket to give her money but she told me not to worry about it that when I had a job I could treat her. Well that is awfully nice of her except for the fact that she has done that the last several times and at this rate I may end up owing her dinner for the next 6 months. I would rather pay my own way than to feel indebted to someone.

Two days later we had to run some errands and we needed some stuff for the pool. I also noticed they had crab on sale and was hankering for it so she took it upon herself to get some. Well, actually she got a lot. With my father gone and her not making the kind of money she needs to really maintain the house, I felt bad so I offered to pay for the pool supplies but she turned me down. Then I gave her $40 and told her to put it towards the crab she just bought. With a sad look on her face and tears in her eyes, she looked at me and said, “No you keep it- I know you do not have a job.” Well I insisted on her taking it anyway. As it is, I feel like I am freeloading off her all the time and I feel very pathetic and ashamed of it. Last year I did a lot around the house and helping out with my father so I felt like it was an even trade of sorts. This year, I am not so sure how even the trade is. I feel bad and the day before I was let go, I was going to put a check on the refrigerator for my mother to use towards bills, groceries- whatever she needed it for. I decided to wait until I got home from my weekend trip that I had booked and paid for. Little did I know I would be getting bad news the way up there. So long story short- she never got her “rent check” if you will and now I don’t even have any extra and she is still basically supporting me. I guess every parent assumes they will be supporting their kids for a while but not when they are 34. I have genuinely been feeling bad about the situation for quiet some time now. I know my mother is going through a lot and it is not right of me to throw any extra burden on her shoulders.

The story goes on that I was already feeling badly about things. I had been worrying about money, jobs etc for a while now and I have no control over the situation and no idea when things will turn around. I literally take it day by day and see where life takes me. Yesterday it was a beautiful day out so it took me walking through Huntington with my boyfriend after a stop off at Sagamore Hill. We were walking down the street and passed a restaurant which prompted my boyfriend to recall a dinner he had there with his ex-wife at a holiday party or something. He was commenting how the food was good and what he ate. Well I suppose I opened myself up for this one but I said, “It always tastes good when someone else pays for it.” Without a moment’s hesitation, he said, “Well then you must love it when you go out with me”. All I could say was, “That was low. That was really, really low”. I think he immediately realized that the comment did not go over so well, but what was done was done.

I have to admit that while there was a large element of truth to what he said, it hurt nonetheless. I always offer to pay, give him something towards it and if it is not something in my budget or I have bills to pay, I will usually tell him that I can not go because I need to save my money for other things instead. He always insists on paying, asks if it would be something I would do had I had a job or asks if he paid would I go. So here I am having fallen into another pathetic situation where every time I reach into my wallet he reminds me that he has it, I have no job and when I do things will be different.

For the record, I am not exactly poor. I am a good little saver and have money in the bank, but with bills to pay, nothing coming in and no clue when the job situation will turn around for me, I am very cautious to spend that money because there is a strong possibility I may need it to live off of and pay bills with until things turn around.
I should probably say that we had talked of planning a trip over the Thanksgiving holiday but I did not feel comfortable planning a trip, letting him pay and then not having a job to pay for it. Going places knowing you should not be there for financial reasons and having to skimp while away really does not make for an enjoyable time. Personally I would rather hold off, wait and go when finances are such that I can afford it. So the compromise was a trip to Las Vegas to spend it with my sister. The original plan was to stay with my sister and if finances permitted go out and see the sights- if not, it was a change of scenery, there is plenty of free or low budget stuff to entertain ourrselves and all it would cost was a plane ticket and a trip to the grocery store. The other part of the compromise was so that we would have our own time together away from family, he suggested a quick weekend trip down to Annapolis which I agreed to.

Well let me now fast forward a week. The trip to Vegas is booked. It went from plane fare to a rental car and two nights in the Venetian. That gives us some of our own time but also brought the price of the trip up some before even getting there. My boyfriend is off and researching things to do and there are many we are in agreement over, but I just can’t get ahead of myself. I certainly am not budgeted for all the extras right now with so many uncertainties in my life and while he offered, I do not want him footing the bill…..and this was before the comment he made the other day.

Let me fast forward some more. We had discussed and agreed to go to Annapolis so that we had our own mini-vacation if you will as the week we were supposed to go away turned out to be a family trip which was not the original plan when we had decided to go away Thanksgiving week. With him booking the hotel for two nights, I figured that was going to be it. I was not so sure that he would still want to go to Annapolis as well. It turns out he did as he booked a little Inn for two night in a few weeks. He had run it past me and he is very excited to be going, but for some reason, I am not able to share his enthusiasm.

While I do like to go away, travel, experience new things- pretty much my entire existence with my ex (or hopefully very soon to be) was such that we went away but couldn’t really do anything for financial reasons. That or he wanted to do stuff and I always had to tell him no or find something cheaper to do instead. He apparently made money but kept it to himself- everything else fell on me. So long story short- I know what it is like to travel knowing that you can’t do much when you get there. It really is no fun and even more depressing that if you stayed home and did nothing at all.

My boyfriend told me many a times how his ex-wife always backed out on trips he had planned in the past and it was very upsetting for him. Of course this weekend he told me how he missed road trips and traveling with her, so I have no idea what to make of that. Anyway, he found me, I like to go places and generally do my research and get excited to go. Very rarely if I have something planned or my mind made up to go someplace do I back out at the last minute. That being said, let me take you to the present moment and tell you where my head is at and why I feel bad but am not as enthusiastic about the trip.
First off, one of my greatest flaws is that I worry about just about everything. So assuming some job miracle happens, the timing of the trip may be a bit hectic for me. Putting that aside for a moment, I will be paying for my plane ticket to Vegas even though he thinks he will be paying for it. It wasn’t really in my budget right now, but that should at least be my responsibility. Now the Annapolis trip- well that is REALLY not in my budget right now. While I would love to go away for a few days with him, I would almost prefer not to. Until my cash flow situation turns around, I can’t afford hotels, dinner out, entertainment expenses etc. And even if my cash flow situation turns around, I still have a backlog from the weeks I had nothing coming in.

While I do not know my boyfriends cash flow situation, I think it is probably fair to say I have more saved than he does, but he also has a nice stream of money coming in that I do not. I am cautious with how I spend my money and while he calls me frugal and sometimes I think that the fact I am so cheap bothers him, life has given me no other choice. Right now I need to worry about me and my situation. While my bank roll may be more, his financial obligations far outreach any I have ever encountered. The last thing I ever want to do is add to that problem which clearly I am doing. He likes to go out and do things as do I, but he can afford to and right now I can not. Not knowing what the future holds, I need to conserve my financial resources. And while he pays most of the times we go out, honestly, had it not been for him, there is no way I would eat out that much.

I kind of feel that I am a bit all over the place so I will try my best to tie it all together. Yesterday when that comment was made, while truthful, it was a bit hurtful. OK, it was very hurtful. It made me reflect upon how pathetic I have become. It made me reflect upon what a burden I have become- first to my mother and now to him. It made me sad that I did not have a job and could not afford to pull my own weight. Never before in my life have I been in that situation and it is not a good place to be in or a good feeling to weigh on your mind. Shortly after the comment was made I got a huge lump in my throat and I started to get anxious and had a mini- anxiety attack if you will. I wanted to cry but did my best to hold it in. I think my boyfriend knew I was upset and he tried to ask but I just said I was fine even though I kind of wasn’t. I was just in a public place and talking about it would have only brought me to tears and when that happens, the flow that comes from my eye sockets is somewhat uncontrollable. Up until that point, I was having a pleasant day and a pleasant weekend and did not want to spend the remainder of it crying uncontrollably.

On the drive home he asked what was on my mind. Normally I am very open and never hold back what I am thinking and feeling, but I was too upset to talk about it at that moment. So when I did not want to talk about that topic and that topic only, he chose silence and to not talk to me at all which I am not sure I deserved. It was not a big deal but made me even more upset for some reason. From that point on, I tried to be my normal cheerful self, but it was very hard.

A new day is upon us and while it may just be me having a pity party, here is what I was thinking at that moment….. First, I was upset because it is not supposed to be that way. Every other friend I know says you always make the man pay….I don’t necessarily feel that is right. My husband was a financial burden to me and I hated it. I never want to be that to someone else. Of course if he had pulled his weight or even tried to contribute in other ways it would not have been as large and issue as it was, but nonetheless, he created problems and bills and debt and then washed his hands of it leaving me to clean up the mess and I hated him for it.

Second, I just knew that eventually this would be an issue. Even if I had a job, he would always make more than me so things would always be thrown in my face after the fact or I would go broke keeping up with his spending habits which far outweigh mine. He eats out and likes to get out and do things as do I, but I exercise a bit of restraint and know my limits. My ex made me broke and I am not about to let another man do the same. I am trying real hard to rebuild my life. I thought I was off to a good start but it all came crumbling down. Building up some financial security and freedom is my number one priority. Not feeling like a financial burden to another is also a top priority of mine.

Third, after all was said and done the other day, I was finding that I was dreading the trip to Annapolis in the next few weeks. I really don’t need for there to be another occurrence of me feeling pathetic, people taking pity on me or throwing finances in my face. And quite honestly, I am not prepared or willing to spend money on a trip that I otherwise would not have spent money on. I feel bad since I know he is looking forward to it, but I would just assume not go before putting myself in that situation again.

Forth, his parents are coming in a few days. He has planned a few things and has asked me to join them. I have no idea what will end up taking place. Technically he is responsible for entertaining them and not me so I always have the choice not to go with them. I really do like them and want to get to know them better but I am also not looking to break the bank and at this point I think hell would have to freeze over before anyone ever paid for anything for me again. As it stands now a pool and BBQ day or at least some sort of dinner is planned at my mom’s house one day. I think it is only right to give my mother some money towards food. It is one thing that she feeds me, but it is not right to ask her to feed 4 extra people when I know finances are a concern of hers as well. She got some money from my father’s life insurance, but not enough to last a lifetime or last if she spends it foolishly.

So that right now is the latest. I feel pathetic. I feel like a financial burden and I feel ashamed of myself. The money in the bank is to live off of so I might as well start using it for such. I have decided that until things turn around for me, I will not be going anywhere, will not be going out to eat again, will not have people paying for me and I should probably start giving my mother some money and paying my way around here. Just because I feel pathetic does not mean I have to act pathetic.

It is still summer- I can enjoy the pool, read a book and find ways to entertain myself but mostly I anticipate myself in the house at the computer trying to get myself out of the mess that has become of my life. And on that note, I might as well get to my job search. I already wasted a big portion of the day so I have to make up for lost time.

Until I write again…….