It just sucks!

July 28, 2010

I probably will not get a chance to post this until tomorrow morning as it is late right now and I am so so tired but I felt the need to get a few things off my chest. And I promise that this entry will be brief.

I went to the wake today and it actually was not bad. I met up with a friend I used to work with for lunch beforehand which was probably the only reason I did push myself to go. I ended up sitting in the back of the room talking to a bunch of old co-workers I had not seen in a while so that part of it was a nice treat. They all told me I was so lucky to be out of that place as it is hell there. Truth be told, when I originally got let go last year I was excited or relieved perhaps because I hated that place and this was the push I needed to find something new, better and more exciting. Besides right at the onset of my marital separation and having to pack and move it was nice having the time off to deal with personal matters. The timing was lousy that everything fell apart at the same time but good for other reasons. Today….. I kind of wish I was working. Being unemployed for over a year and then losing your job for the second time is not exactly the future I had envisioned for myself last year when I set out to find new, exciting and better.

Other than that, I was on Facebook tonight for a bit. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. It is partly addicting and partly a giant, giant waste of time. I scroll down to see what is going on in people’s lives and then I stumbled upon a photo one of my old High School friends that posted a new photos of her daughter. Sweet as anything she was, but then there are comments on the photos from others I went to school with but have not friended. Part of me says if I have not talked to them in this long, why start now and other parts of me are curious…..OK, they are very curious.

I am all about security on my page. Search me and even the best of the best had a hard time finding me to friend me. Others, however are not so diligent with their security settings so you click on their name and up pops their page- comments, photos- you name it. So I start off by looking at the one girls photo of her daughter which then leads me to another girl I went to school with and what appears to be a photo of her family. She is drop dead gorgeous but beyond that she has a lovely family and three beautiful children. Her photos leads me to another classmate who also has three beautiful children, photos of her nice house and on and on.

So why am I writing tonight when I am tired and really want to be in bed sleeping? Well because it is a bit upsetting. As I sit her looking at photos of everyone my age that are happily married with all these beautiful children, I look up from my computer screen and there is a photo of my father holding this huge and I mean huge fluke. It took me back to a time on the boat and the many fine summers we had. I went to a funeral wake today of a former co-workers father who was 88 and then there was my father who died before turning 59. While I feel old, I think of how young my siblings and I all are and the many things that are yet to happen in our lifetimes that he will never witness. I’m sure he will be there is spirit, but he will not be there physically. He used to be so vibrant and full of life and towards the end he was weak and frail. Today he is no more and while I will always remember him in my memories- it is just not the same as him being here.

I have already determined I am old and the baby boat has long set sail without me, but perhaps there is hope for my brother and sister. And for those significant moments in life, my father will never be a part. I look at the photos of my classmates- people my own age, some even younger and look at their children and think why? Why did life turn out the way it has? Why is my father not here? What did all these people do right that I did wrong?

I should be happy for all these people, and I am, but also a bit jealous or loathing in self pity. I am 34, starting over in just about every area of my life. I am fatherless at an age much younger than I ever anticipated. I am jobless, directionless and living at home with my mother. Never where I thought I would be. One person I went to school with is now a cardiologist published in all sorts of medical journals. Other have happy families, beautiful children and tons more direction that I seem to have.

I know, I know…. Whoa is me. I am not the only person that got divorced. My boyfriend went through it. Aunts, cousins and today I learned of two former co-workers that are going through it. Kind of upsetting and nerve wracking when people you thought were a great couple are falling apart. I suppose that just goes to show you how difficult life is and then throw another person into the mix and it can sometimes be a recipe for disaster. There are times I feel hopeful. I know I got gypped the first time around. There are times I think I will have better things as soon as I clear out all the old crap from my life. Now that I have gotten on a tangent I never thought or expected to write about….There are days I feel that should the opportunity present itself I would get remarried. Then there are days when I think that would be a bad mistake, or perhaps I am just scared to death of going through all the pain again should things fail. I suppose I will cross that bridge if and when I ever have to worry about it and right now is not the time to worry about it.

I am not the only one to lose a father at a young age as I can think of several others that have been in my shoes before I had….my father included as he lost his mother at the age of 19 of the same ugly disease that took his life. I am not the only person to have wanted children and never to have had them. I am not the only person to lose a job or be unemployed at the present moment as I can count dozens of them in seconds. I am not the only one to feel confused about life as I know about a handful or so right now that I can name. I know I am not alone but it still sucks! And that my friends, is all I have to say about that.

Until I write again……..

Not much doing….just an update

It has been a while since I have really made time to write. My mother pointed out that I always seem to write when things are a bit hectic, depressing or going wrong in my life and that occasionally people might like to hear good news. Well two problems with that one. First I really have no following on my blog. It is like my secret therapeutic project that I work on from time to time. Second, I wish I had more good news to share because nothing would please me more. So unfortunately, you get no major drama, no exciting and life altering news – just me rambling about what is going on in my life and since there was no point to me writing today- you get to go with me wherever it is that my thoughts take me.

Let’s see…. Well a friend contact me to let me know that someone I used to work with has lost her father. She was wondering if I may be interested to meet her for lunch tomorrow and then go to the afternoon session of the wake. To be honest, I told her I would go with her, but I really have absolutely no desire to go. I suppose it is the right thing to go and pay your respects, but I don’t know this person closely and it is not like she came to my father’s funeral to pay her respects to me. My friend was not really sure if she should even ask and would have completely understood had I not wanted to go given the fact that my father’s passing was so recent. Truth be told, I am not sure how I will handle things but I suppose I will find out.

Here’s what I do know about my former co-worker. She unexpectedly lost her husband a few years back, then her mother and was living in the house with her father. From what I hear he had fallen ill and she took care of him until he passed. I understand her pain and while her father was 88 and mine only 58, I am sympathetic but not looking to relive all of last year and the battles I went through with my father and his situation. And while I was surprisingly OK the other day, the timing is a bit off for me. You see yesterday would have been my father’s 59th birthday on Earth, but instead it was his 1st birthday in Heaven.

I wasn’t sure how I would react or feel about the events of the day- my father’s birthday that is. Originally my mother wanted to have a lobster dinner in his honor as it was one of his favorite foods, but she thankfully made other plans. There is just something weird about hosting a birthday party in honor of a dead man even if it is my father. It is not like I forgot him on his birthday, but I suppose I tried to not think about it as much otherwise I would have made myself quite sad. On Sunday I went to the cemetery to pay my respects but it was a very short visit. I went with my boyfriend and my mother who had gone the day prior but did not stay long as it was 96 degrees. To be honest, this visit was a bit short as well. Had I gone alone I would have stayed longer. I probably would have sat down and talked out loud (not that anyone really answers back in these situations). At some point, I’m sure the tears, emotions and reality of the fact that my father’s birthday was the next day but he was not here would have set in some. There really was not time to feel sorry for myself or the situation during my visit although this is not to say that I did not shed a brief tear anyway. As long as he knows that I love him, did not forget him and he lives on in my thoughts, I suppose that is enough for me right now.

It was enough, but as I told you I tried not to think about things too much and now that I am somewhat forced to think about it as I write about it, I suddenly find tears streaming down my face. I suppose we all do the best we can in situations such as these and take one moment at a time. For the most part I have had many good things happen in my life this year to counteract or offset some of the very negative and painful things so I suppose I should count my blessings.

My brother is to be married in two months and while I am starting to get excited for him, there is a part of me that hopes the day is not overcome with sadness as a very significant person is missing from the day’s events. I know that up until now, my brother has not even really taken an active part in his wedding planning because I think it is just too hard for him. He did make a comment to me a few months back that he did not even want to be at his own wedding as all he would be thinking about is how our father was not there.

A few years back when my great grandmother was very ill, she told me one day to pray with her and then she told me no matter what to pray every night to God. Unlike me, she was very religious and while my ex had me questioning, God, life, reality and everything in between, I have prayed every night since. Most times I am so tired that I fall asleep while praying but it usually is the one thing that helps me to fall asleep. Anyway, the point I am making is that when my father was ill, I had done my fair share of praying. As a matter of fact I think I was putting in overtime, but one prayer always remained. I knew my father was ill and as he got worse, I began to worry and question the timing of things. Ironic as it was, when my brother booked his wedding last year, my father said, “That is over a year from now…. I will not be here then.”. I’m not sure if it was one of those self fulfilling prophecies or if he just knew, but I think looking back, he was far sicker than anyone ever gave him credit for. So as he got sicker and sicker, I went to bed every night upset and praying that if there was any way my father could hold out until my brother’s wedding it would mean the world to my brother and I.

While my wedding was a failure and not necessarily by my own accord, it was nonetheless a significant time in my life. A time I thought I was planning for my future and a better life and had hopes and dreams of all good things to come. My father was there for that significant moment in time. Four years later, I watched my father walk my sister down the aisle and while I knew there was no way my father would actually be walking my brother down the aisle, it would have been nice for him to be there nonetheless. On my father’s deathbed, he looked at my brother, told him how proud he was and how he had watched him grown and mature and then he apologized to my brother because it did not look like he was going to be able to be his first mate on the boat this summer. He then apologized to my brother because he was not going to be there for his wedding. I suppose not every prayer is meant to be answered. I know this one was not but there were others of mine that had been. If you go back to the very start of my blog you will see that I prayed to God that if it was my father’s time that he please go quickly and not prolong his suffering any further. While I did not want to see my father go, I could not stand to watch the pain he was in. It was tearing him apart and me as well. And so I guess I got my prayer answered on that one as he went very quickly. My father did suffer greatly, but at least his suffering was not prolonged over many long drawn out months.

Before I move off of my father and get into other topics, there is one story I would like to quickly tell. My divorce is hopefully in the very final stages. I go to bed every night praying it is done by the end of July but it does not look like that is going to be the case unless some miracle happens. My ex’s birthday is this week and I so wanted to wrap the divorce decree up with a big bow and have that be his final send off gift. I am tired of playing nice in the sandbox with him until things are finalized and official. My stupid lawyer took her sweet ass time and now the courts are backed up because it is summer and people are on vacation. While I have very much moved on, I want nothing more than to have absolutely no reason whatsoever to ever contact him again.

I was not sure how I would react this week with my father’s birthday and the funeral tomorrow may dredge up all sorts of bad memories, but still- you know someone is or may be going through a rough time- why on Earth would you try and make it worse? On Sunday night I get an e-mail from my ex that he knows I am going through a rough time but he wanted to let me know that he had sent a birthday e-card to my father at my e-mail address. As he is not physically here to pay his respects, he asked if I could print it out for him, drive it to the cemetery and leave it on my father’s gravestone marker. I mean can you believe the balls on this one? Actually never mind the balls, how about the marbles that are all rolling around in his crazy psychotic head. He pulled this crap at the funeral too. Since the entire family all but banned him from showing up, he tried to sneak a note to the funeral director via e-mail and asked to have it read out loud. Then the night before the actual funeral, he sends me an e-mail with a message he wanted me to reach down and whisper in my father’s ear for him before they closed the coffin for good.

Two things- One- what a crazy bastard and Two….as if. The message to the funeral director got interrupted by my mother who crumpled it and threw it out. The e-mail I was supposed to read to my father in his ear got deleted and the birthday e-card never even saw the light of day. Unopened and deleted. I just want him to officially be a thing of the past because it is clear that the boy is not well. And I use the word boy intentionally as he will never be a man no matter how hard he tries. It is just unfortunate for me that I had to play mommy all these years instead of wife and that this boy brought so much dysfunction to my life in years past…and maybe present.

Speaking of dysfunction- my father’s sister who may have formerly been referred to in my blog as the Drama Queen is still at it. I unfortunately do not speak to her much but she is still out and about causing drama….mostly for herself I suspect since no one is talking to each other in the family as a result of her poison pen letter and a message my mother left her in response. It really is sad how my father’s passing pulled people apart. Never in a million years would I have predicted this one. Truth be told, I feel bad as my aunt is in her mid 70’s and lives alone. She tried to tell me one time she has health issues but is not at liberty to discuss it. I am not exactly about to beg her so I let that one go. I have thought of asking her to lunch on several occasions but she is so so negative, bitter and hostile towards my mother. Every time I call her she cries, she misses my father, it is as if she lost her own son and life is not the same. Well no shit is it not the same- we were the only family she had and over something stupid and an Italian grudge she has decided to sit alone like a martyr and cry all day long.

I spoke to my aunt briefly the other day as she called but did not even leave a message. The beauty of caller id is that for those that do not leave messages, you still know they called. Anyway, I hesitantly decided to call her back. She told me she got the bridal shower invitation for my future sister in law. She was going to send a gift but would not be attending. I have a feeling she will not be attending the wedding either, but she has not made that announcement just yet. She then went on to tell me she is sorry it is like this, but she blames my mother and it is all my mother’s fault that things are the way they are. She had obviously been crying prior to me calling her. She went on about how she has tried to call my brother a few times but he never calls back. She went on about my father’s birthday and how she is so upset and then she had to go because she needed to hang the phone up and cry some more. Let’s just say I was not exactly begging her to keep talking nor was I going out of my way to console her. Every time you talk to her it is all about how I can’t possibly understand what she is going through. I mean it is only my father that died but what would I possibly know about what she is going through.

I feel bad, I genuinely do and my father would be so disappointed over the entire situation but I have enough going on in my life. I am trying to stay focused, positive and move on in a healthier direction. My father’s passing was hard but it is water under the bridge and reliving every painful moment is not going to bring him back. My past few years has been a bit challenging, but I swore that after I left my husband, I was starting from scratch and I would be taking control over my life. There would be no more dysfunction and negativity. I want so badly to be there for my aunt and I feel that I am doing the wrong thing by abandoning her in a sense, but I have no doubt that she will instantly bring the dysfunction and negativity that I vowed to myself I would not allow back into my life- at least not intentionally. I have enough going on in my life right now and I do not need to be around people that drag me back and pull me down. I can almost guarantee that any time spent with her will be a bashing session aimed at my mother, a woe is me session aimed at her and anxiety geared towards me. So while it may be the wrong thing to do- I have decided for once in my life to do what is best for me and not put myself in another bad situation. Again, I know my father would be disappointed in me but I have gone above and beyond to try and keep the peace and act civilized after she wrote my sister off and then tmy mother. She wants to keep being negative and telling me what a rotten person my mother is, well then I am sorry but she will need a new audience.

In other news so that I can try and wrap this up today, I have been looking for work again. I have been on a few interviews here or there but nothing promising yet. In this case, no news is not necessarily good news but I used to recruit- at least have the common courtesy to tell people thank you for your time but we have selected someone else. Why keep people hanging. And honestly, there have not been that many interviews so it isn’t exactly as if the suspense is killing me. Mostly they were jobs- not my dream jobs, just jobs and a paycheck.

They say the economy and job market are picking up some, but it is very slow out there. I actively look each day and have not come across any decent jobs to even consider applying for. The other day I was informed of a job a friend gave me the heads up on. I was kind of excited and then upon further research it was nothing even mention worthy. Each job I apply for pays less and less. I already knew I was going to take a cut in pay but I am at the point where I am looking at a 50K pay cut and no benefits. Seriously something has to give because I am out of options. I keep thinking something wonderful will happen when I least expect it. I keep hoping my father is in training up there but once he figures out the ropes, he will look out for me. Hell I have enough dead relatives up there, I would take any one of them looking out for me, but the job thing does not seem to be happening which is very frustrating for me. I do what I can do and I do the best I can do. I do believe there is a higher power and there is a plan for each of us. Sometimes things happen in life and we do not like it or understand it, but they happen for a reason nonetheless. I just hope that my plan would be unraveled sooner rather than later. It is 2010- this is supposed to be my year. It looks like the year started taking off without me and I have a ton of catching up to do. With August just a few days away, I am concerned I may not be able to catch up and win this race.

In more positive news, things appear to be going fairly well with the boyfriend. I am not always sure where they are going, but they are going and so far so good. He makes nice money but he also spends nice money which has me a bit concerned some days, but right now that is not something I need to concern myself with, rather just something I keep an eye on. I guess after you have come from where I have come from, you really are forced to live differently and evaluate things differently. But all in all, he is a wonderful person and we are very good together. Two peas in a pod as someone recently called us. Some days I want to fast forward to see what the future holds in store for us and other days I stop myself, remember that things are new and young and that they will go where they need to or are meant to go all in good time.

I have to say thought that from the horrible Rhode Island trip, he has come a long way with the family and being patient with things. The week after I don’t know if I mentioned, but I got to meet his family on a camping trip and they are lovely people- very warm, friendly and down to Earth- very unlike my in-laws. I actually like them a lot and while I have only met them once, I do not feel anxious or unwelcome in the least for future visits with them as I did with my ex- in-laws. They are actually coming again in the next two weeks and I hope to get to know them a bit better.

I suppose that since I am onto good news, exciting news and meeting families, I should probably tell you that unless a major job issue comes up and it means the difference of a job or not, I booked a trip last night to go to Las Vegas to spend Thanksgiving with my sister and brother in-law. Originally when I started working, I was talking about spending Thanksgiving on an island in the Caribbean since I needed a good vacation and would not have much vacation time at work. As Thanksgiving is a long weekend, I figured the timing might work out well. I got my boyfriend onboard with the idea and then I lost my job again unexpectedly.

He now wanted to travel as did I but the job, unemployment and future pending changes in his work environment had me a bit skeptical to book anything. He offered to pay for the trip which was very nice of him but I did not feel right adding to his financial burdens. We sat to talk the other day and decided to scale back the trip. He did not exactly like the idea of planning something, getting all excited and then having to possibly cancel depending on work situations. So we compromised some and decided to go to Vegas. My sister lives there and while the airfare is a rip off, it is cheaper than going elsewhere as we can get free lodging with her. My mom was already headed out that way and was so disappointed I would not be around for Thanksgiving. Of all the things going on this year, she was dreading Thanksgiving the most. My mom loves to cook, the usual crowd is not speaking to each other or her, my brother would most likely be with his wife’s family and I do not eat turkey so there really would be no one to cook for this year. My sister just moved into a new place and invited her to go for Thanksgiving and cook there. I pushed the issue with my mother and I thought it would be good for her to be with family and cook a turkey which she looks forward to every year. Assuming I would be going someplace tropical, I did not want my mom to be alone or feeling sorry for herself this holiday season. After much coaxing, my mom was OK with the idea but upset as she wanted me there as well. Her first Thanksgiving without my father would be hard for her and then spending it in a non- traditional way has been weighing heavily on her mind.

Well for monetary reasons, and my boyfriend realizing this may be an important year to be with family for the holidays, we decided to do Turkey Day in Vegas. We got our airfare last night and decided to stay 2 nights in a hotel so it feels more like a getaway and then the rest of the week we will be with my family and have Thanksgiving together. When I told my mother, she was so excited she started jumping up and down with delight. Her smile from ear to ear and she started crying and hugged me telling me that I just made her year and she was so happy. I guess good news on my father’s birthday which normally would have been a sad time is just what we all needed. My mother is super excited as is my sister. Having spent the day researching travel arrangements also kept my mind on more positive hopeful things rather than dwelling on my father not being here.

My boyfriend has never seen Las Vegas and I have been but never got off the strip so I am excited because we are going to see the Grand Canyon together. He knows it is a family type trip, but we have our own space for the few nights we are going to be in a hotel and there are no children involved slowing us down so I think it is a nice compromise and that the trip will be a positive one. Hopefully he has long outgrown the days of Rhode Island- of course this remains to be seen. All I have to say is that if we do end up having a repeat performance of my last family trip, I may have to leave him there and I will be coming home alone, but I doubt this will be the case.

So long story short- I am happy and I have something exciting to look forward to. It would be nice to see my sister on a happy occasion for a change. The living situation while torturous at times is what it is. Maybe I will have to make 2011 my year as it does not appear I will be moving into my own place any time soon. The job situation- well that is a bit slow, pathetic, scary and depressing all in one, but I am hopeful things will change around and I will be in a better spot on the employment front by years end. As for the new man that was supposed to mysteriously enter my life this year……well I think I found him and I am very happy and blessed that he has become such a big part of my life. Things with him will go where they are meant to go in due time. I have a bridal shower and a wedding to look forward to and then a mini-vacation and a visit with my family to keep me going in the challenging months that may lie ahead. All in all, life may not be going where I want it to go as quickly as I would like for it to get there, but I have many blessings to be thankful for and I am! . Little by little colors of a rainbow emerge from time to time. Sometimes it is the little blessings in life that are much bigger than we like to give them credit for at the time.

As always…..until I write again!