Medical Review

I went yesterday to the gynecologist and he told me that I do need to see a urologist but that he would check everything out just to make sure and give me peace of mind. From what he could tell, he did not feel anything abnormal but told me that if I wanted, he would schedule me for a sonogram just to be sure and get a clearer picture. He clearly saw that I was nervous, wanted an answer and needed assurance that nothing was wrong in that department. Normally I would not be volunteering for more tests and appointments but given the circumstances, I said “OK- sign me up”.


My doctor asked if they had done any routine blood work in me recently. I explained that they gave me a script to go to a lab for blood work to check my kidney functions but that was it. He kind of made an odd face and then said, “Do you want me to do blood work on you – just some routine tests to see if anything comes up” Again, I said, “OK” and I let him stick me with a needle. He told me he was just going to check some routine stuff and he would call me in about a week with the results.

While I had his ear, I asked him what was the story with the test I had taken the last time I was there because someone told me they found abnormal cells but not to worry they would keep an eye on it. I said. “What is that supposed to mean?” He explained to me that I had low grade pre-cancerous cells on the face of my cervix but not to worry because they are not in the canal. I am probably going to get the numbers wrong but he told me that about 100,000 women would show the same thing but only 1 would turn into something. The other 99,999 would remain unchanged so until it shows signs of any type of progression, they don’t even bother to treat it. I suppose that this is why they recommend going regularly because catching something at a less severe stage means better odds of treatment in the long run.

Before I left his office, he had asked me if he had ever sent me for a mammography before. I said with a disgusted look on my face , “NO”! He said, “Well I am going to give you a script for one before you leave.” I replied “OH joy”. I thought you were not supposed to do that until you were like 40 but apparently he told me they start at 35 now but I will not need to go again until I am 40. I suppose they like to have a baseline or start early to detect any changes at an age more prevalent for developing these types of things. I was not crazy about the idea, but to me everything feels lumpy in that area, so what is one more test. I didn’t expect to walk out with a script to have my boob smooched between two pieces of metal like a Panini press, but it is what it is. I figured I can always schedule this at the same facility I have to go to for the CT scan. I may come home glowing that evening….and not for good reasons, but it appears I am getting close to a full body work up at this point. In a way, the doctors appointments are a bit annoying but as I seem to be worried about everything these days, I suppose all these routine tests will hopefully rest my mind at ease.

I am eager for someone to find a problem, but I want for it to be a problem that they can fix easily or correct in a minimally invasive way. I don’t want them to start finding things wrong with me that can be very life altering or life threatening. I suppose the more things they check, the greater the chance they will find something wrong that they had not been looking for or that had not been an issue before now….like my cyst on my kidney which I am hoping was always there but is nothing of concern and is benign. But should there be an issue, better to detect it early and go for all the tests erring on the side of caution. My father let way too many things go unchecked until it was too late in some situations. I may be a bit mental lately (mostly because now I am scared, nervous and anxious) but I am not prepared to follow in his footsteps when it comes to my health.

As I left the doctor’s office, I scheduled my appointment for the sonogram just to make sure everything really is OK and nothing is growing or pushing where it does not need to be. I will be doing this on September 19th since that is when I could get an appointment after work hours. Then on the 20th I am going back to the urologist for a follow up, review of my test results and I think the cystoscopy. Somewhere in between that time I will get the blood work done to check my kidney function, have my CT scan of my abdomen and pelvis and then go for my mammography. FUN, FUN, FUN!

Until I write again…..

Here we go again.....

                                                                Originally written 8-29-11

I reported to you last week that I went to the doctor for the follow up and he told me there was still a small amount of blood in my urine. He then told me that he would send it out for further testing and depending on how it came back he would refer me to a urologist, order a CT scan of my kidneys and then most likely a cystoscopy would be in order. He sent another urine sample out for micro-analysis and told me he would call with the results. I left the office that day freaked out. All I could think was that my life was finally starting to come together. I was going to get married in 2 months and I just can’t be sick. I also recalled that one of my father’s cousins had kidney issues and needed a transplant. I was not sure if that too ran in the family or if something else had caused her kidneys to fail. I try not to, but automatically my mind starts to think the worst possible case scenario.

The very next day the doctor called me to let me know that the test was fine and there was no treatment necessary at this time. While I was so relieved, I also knew that something was just not right. For getting a clean bill of health, why was my bladder still so irritated? Why was I having shooting pains in my pelvic region? By Thursday I was in a lot of discomfort. By Friday morning I woke up in discomfort but tried to not read too much into it. After holding your bladder all night- it is normal for most people to wake up in some amount of discomfort. I went to the bathroom and the normal person feels instant relief and then goes on about their day. Well something didn’t feel quite right and it was like a bad déjà vu. I turned on the light and thought to myself, something is not right and I bet I am urinating blood again. Sure enough….blood and puss and particles of God only knows what floating around. I just went to the doctor three days prior and now this gain. WTF?

So I go into work early and begin calling the doctors to see if I can get an appointment. Then I start calling around to see if I can get in with a urologist as that was the suggested next step. I was able to get someone to squish me on a Saturday morning so I took it. I also decided to go to the regular doctor anyway thinking maybe they could get me an emergency appointment with someone the same day by pulling a few strings. When I got to the doctor’s office they did another urine sample and told me I had another urinary tract infection. He gave me a different med this time and for a longer duration of time. Of course I did not get the same doctor as last time and I can never seem to get an appointment with my own doctor but I figured considering the history of problems I would rather see another doctor than the physician’s assistant. This doctor reviewed that last doctor’s notes and told me that he would hold off on seeing a urologist because they are just going to want to scope me and I really don’t want to have that done if I can avoid it. He told me that he did not think it was bladder cancer. (Why did he even have to mention that?????) He then suggested that if it happens again, I should check with my gynecologist because perhaps I had fibroids in my uterus pushing on my uterus.

I try not to worry and let my mind get the best of me but he mentioned cancer and something growing in my uterus all in the same breath. Last time I was at the gynecologist they called me back to do another test because they found abnormal cells and wanted to recheck to see if it was anything of concern. Anyway, putting that aside- I then get the sex spreads germs riot act and do I use proper hygiene. I know that is a common way to get this type of infection but I assure you I am very clean and I am 35- not exactly a virgin. Having had sex for years- I maybe get one Urinary Tract Infection every 4 years or so. I am not doing anything differently now than I did a year ago so why all the sudden one infection after another. If anything I make hygiene more of a priority as a precautionary measure since the doctors now have me paranoid.

Anyway- we assessed that I went to the gynecologist in April and there is no way something could be growing that fast, but in the back of my mind, I think I may as well get that part of my anatomy checked out as well to have peace of mind. I get a prescription for a new antibiotic and then after being told to avoid the urologist at this time, he tells me that since I already have the appointment made, I might as well get a consult in the event the problem continues, I am established with a doctor. So bright and early on a Saturday morning, I drag my butt out of bed and drive over 40 minutes to the urologist. Having just moved, I have no idea where anything is around me and I know that this doctor most likely practices out of Stony Brook which is better than the other hospital I know of should I need to have any procedures done.

I wait an hour or so in the waiting room and then finally the urologist comes in. He asked if I ever had kidney stones and when I said no, he did a sonogram of my bladder and kidneys. I don’t know that he ever did find any stones, but he did notice a cyst growing on my kidneys. As a result, I know have to go for blood work to check my kidney functions and then to go for a CT scan of my pelvis and abdomen to see if the cyst is benign or something I should worry about at this time. I am partly hoping that it has always been there and was never detected since no one had a reason to look. But as a precaution, once it is found, I suppose it is a doctor’s obligation to do their due diligence. He also wants me to come back in three weeks because he is going to do a cystoscopy in his office to take a look with a camera inside my bladder to see what may be going on that is causing the infections and blood/ puss in my urine.

Oh…and I got the clean before sex speech from this idiot as well. He then suggested if that may be the cause ruling out other things, I should take an antibiotic each time before I have sex. I mean come on now- what am I supposed to do- live on pills. I get so aggravated when they say stuff like this but it is a new doctor so let me give him a chance. I guess they always start with the easiest and most obvious cause first and then go from there.

Before leaving his office with a slew of paperwork for test, urine samples, CT test, bloodwork etc.., he did tell me to call my primary care doctor on Monday to get the results of the urinalysis to make sure that the antibiotic I am currently prescribed is the right one based on the test results. I started taking the medicine on Friday as soon as I filled the prescription but by this time on Monday, I should start to feel some form of relief and I most certainly do not which is very frustrating.

As the urologist suggested, I contacted my primary care doctor’s office today during lunch to see if they got the results of the urinalysis back and to have the doctor check that they had prescribed the correct antibiotic for me. I get a call back from some woman and she tells me the results were negative. I said, “what does that mean?” She replies, “No growth….there is no infection”. A bit confused I told her that the test they took in the office on Friday indicated otherwise and was I supposed to take the antibiotics or not. She told me no but when I explained I already started, I asked her to please consult the doctor and have him call me back. That is pretty much where I am now- left in discomfort and confused waiting for someone to please figure out what the damn problem with me is.

                                                     (Continuation of entry on 8/30/11)

I shouldn’t have, but I started writing this at work but never finished so I left it for the following day. Shortly after leaving the office, my regular doctor called me. Mind you I had spend the other part of my day playing doctor WEB MD coming up with my own list of ailments based on my symptoms. There was something I came across that sounded like a close fit - Interstitial cystitis. It didn’t quite explain the blood- that was more like a bladder cancer but I would rather assume the former rather than the latter. Either one doesn’t exactly sound pleasant but when my doctor (my actual primary care doctor) called back he explained the test came out negative in the lab but that in the office they do a quick version that is sometimes faulty or can indicate an infection but may not be so upon more extensive testing. He told me that I did not necessarily need the antibiotics since no infection was indicated but since I had already started them, he told me it can’t hurt if I want to try and take them anyway. He suggested that if the symptoms continue I may want to go to a urologist for a consult to rule out Interstitial cystitis or other things that may cause it. I explained I had seen one on Saturday and that he wanted to do a cystoscopy to rule some stuff out. My doctor agreed this was probably the best course of treatment at this point.

Now upon my own reading I did see that this condition can in some instances be associated with pain in the pelvic region, but to be honest, the pain I am feeling on and off which can be sharp and shooting at times is coming more from where my ovaries might be. Since that is not normal and not really the same as the bladder discomfort I am experiencing, I thought maybe I should go to the gynecologist to have that looked at. Sometimes I feel like it is hard or swollen in that region and since the one doctor the other day suggested that I may have something growing there pushing on my bladder causing some of these issues, I figured if I am going to be poked, prodded and violated by various doctors, I might as well go for the gold.

I actually called my doctor today to see if I could get an appointment for the next two weeks or so on a day that I could make it after work without having to take time off. As a result of a hurricane/ tropical storm that blew through the area over the weekend, they had a ton of cancellations and were actually able to offer me an appointment after work today. A bit short notice and not something I thought was on my to do list for this week (or this evening for that matter), but I took it. Might as well get it over with and rule out any issues on that end. I figure between all these doctors, someone has to find some sort of problem they can hopefully cure. Wish me luck!

Until I write again……..

Delight and Taken off guard

I suppose in life there are things you expect, anticipate or prepare yourself for. Sure there are the unexpected events or emergencies/ accidents that you can’t always prepare yourself for in advance, but for the most part, there have been few things that truly took me off guard. (Well maybe more than a few, but the writing was on the wall so not a total surprise.)

When I was getting divorced or preparing to do so- no surprise. I had seen that one coming for years as it had always been a troubled marriage and my ex was a real piece of work. When they say love is blind, they are not kidding.

When I lost my job (the first time), business had been slow, they were cutting salaries, reduced my work week, stopped giving out bonuses. I was semi surprised but always in the back of my mind knew there was a possibility. Now the second time I lost my job- well that one took me by surprise.

When my father passed away, while sad and bad timing on the heels (or actually the day) of my mom’s birthday; not really a surprise. To other family member perhaps, but I knew he was sick and on top of all else, when he was thrown off the list for the liver transplant and unexpectedly diagnosed with stomach/ intestinal cancer- I knew it was only a matter of time. At that point he was so weak and frail. His body was not strong enough to withstand chemo which was his only option at the time. I knew the prognosis was not good either way and I tried to tell him to hold off and build up his strength, but when he said “I might as well get it over with before I change my mind and decide to die”, I knew it was a matter of time. To be honest, I told my brother and sister to spend what time they could with him as I gave him two weeks tops after he started treatments. It turns out he died the day he was to start his first treatment, shortly after midnight when the calendar would reflect a day other than my mom’s birthday which unfortunately was spent in intensive care signing DNR orders and preparing for my father’s final moments. While sad and very sudden, not expecting that day to be the day, I can’t say I was surprised my father had passed. It just happened a bit sooner than we were all prepared for. But given the way he suffered and I mean truly suffered in the end, I made peace with the fact he was finally at rest. A day I will never forget for as long as I should live, but not something that I can say took me off guard- at least not the bigger picture outcome anyway.

But every now and then you get thrown off guard and are at a loss for how to respond or perhaps it just takes your brain and thoughts a while to catch up to what is happening or what has just happened. The other day I had one of those moments.

It was late on Monday evening- close to midnight to be a bit more precise. I had been writing the three previous blog entries and while they were written, I did not have time to edit or post them. I figured I would get to that the next day, (but I did not.) I told you about how for a year my fiancée wanted to have children and while we went back and forth on the topic, I finally agreed, then was uncertain and then much to my surprise, he had changed his mind feeling it would complicate things into the future. This change of heart prompted me to do some serious soul searching and I came to the conclusion that if I did not have children while I had the chance, I may look back and seriously regret it in the future. Now as I well know from my past relationship, just because you plan to have children does not me that it will be the case, but there is a difference between trying and seeing if it happens and not even trying at all and having to look back with regret.

Fast forwarding some as to not bore you with the details all over again, after he had changed his mind, I decided that I wanted to have kids after all. I always had and felt that if I did not, it may be a big oversight on my part. I expressed to my fiancée how I felt and my arguments as to why I had changed my mind. When all was said and done, he told me that it was good to know, “But as of right now I am leaning more one way than the other and that it to not have children”. I was somewhat devastated and mad at myself for waiting so long or should I say too long to make that decision. As you should well know by now; whenever I am struggling or troubled with things, writing helps me to get things of my chest and clear my mind. So the other night I finally set aside the time to sit down and write. I said what I needed to say and figured if it is meant to be it will be and if not, Oh well- perhaps there is a greater plan in store for me in this lifetime.

It was late and I had a few things to do when I was done writing so I left the posting of the blog for another night, did my house chores, showered and then headed to bed. By this time my fiancée was home from a night of beach volleyball with his friends. I was tired, it was late and mentally I was a bit spent. I had a lot of my mind, one of which was the doctor appointment that day which brought me undesirable news for a Monday morning. I climbed into bed and my fiancée rolled over next to me to ask me how my day was. We made small talk for a bit and then he told me that he wanted to have kids with me and asked me if I would want to be the mother of his children. After all the back and forth this past weekend I responded by saying, “You know I would.” Not only had he decided after all that he did want to have children, but he thought it would be a good idea to start right then and there. Hence the “taken off guard”. Not only had he completely and unexpected and quite instantaneously changed his mind from not wanting to have children at all to wanting to have them but he wanted to get started ASAP.

He felt that if he changed his mind again I would be upset with him or anxious. All along the back and forth was driving me a bit nutty, but partly that is my fault as I was more on the fence than he. It took me a very long time to get to this point. Honestly I was happy that FINALLY we were on the same page with this topic. Now as for starting right away….I am currently on the fence with that one. The original plan was to talk in September after the summer was out. Then with the wedding the following month, we had left off about 2 or three weeks ago that we would start in October after we were married. I think I like that plan better but he is convince it may take a while and may not even happen at all. We are both happy to try and start a family but also equally happy should that not be the plan for us. In the end, at least we tried. Better to try and it not be meant (for us which we are prepared to deal with )than to not try and have regrets years from now always looking back thinking “what if…..” I am now torn on the issue of when to start.

I want to enjoy our vacation/ wedding/ honeymoon. I am not a drinker at all. Should I have 2 or 3 alcoholic beverages a year that is a lot for me. But when I am in a tropical locale and it is included and seems refreshing, I would like be able to take a sip or two or three. Hell… I might even splurge and finish the entire glass. He wants to hike a mountain. We talked of zip lining, jet skiing and other activities that normally I would not second guess. There are no guarantees that things will happen for us any time soon or at all for that matter, but I don’t want to second guess anything I do or have to sit activities out that I otherwise would jump right in and enjoy doing. And at the time he suggested “Starting now” I was thinking about my trip to the doctor and the possible medical test I may have to go for. CT scans expose you to a bit of radiation and the other test involves anesthesia. Not exactly the best timing to start planning for a child.

I am delighted to report that the other day I got a call from the doctor. My labs came back and there was no blood found in my urine after all. More medical testing would not be necessary. I always try my best not to worry unnecessarily but you can’t help from thinking the worst so you are not taken off guard. Had something been wrong, I would have at least had a heads up. The baby thing on the other hand- completely unexpected. The timing of things - well, I am still uncertain but maybe this is one of those times when you have to let life take you where it does when it does. If it is meant to be and when it is meant to be are not entirely in my control. Sometimes in life we need to sit back and enjoy the ride.

Until I write again…..

How many medical ailments can one girl have?

            Originally written: Monday, August 22, 2011

It has been one crazy and messed up year for me. You wouldn’t know it, but with the exception of my father’s death making me have hypochondriac tendencies, I am fairly sane and healthy when it comes to medical stuff. I have literally been to the doctor more this past 8 months than I probably have been in a good 10 years.


I started with a birth control pill that was reeking havoc on my body. I stopped taking that in April and oh my God-what a difference……and for the better. Of course I stopped talking that and all sort of other things began happening. I started out the year with blood pressure issues. After moving out of my mom’s house, diminishing some of the stress in my life and stopping those pills, I have had no more issues with this. The 30 trips to the doctor so far have told me so.

This issue was followed by an abnormal pap-smear that resulted in another test which while they said was still slightly abnormal, I was told not to worry about at this time. Um, yeah- how do you not worry that you have abnormal and possibly pre-cancerous cells in your body. I guess we will wait to see what my next pap shows when I go in a few months before I start bugging out over this issue again.


Next was a urinary tract infection, followed by another one about 2 weeks later. The second time I had to get an appointment with a walk in clinic they use at work since I was unable to get an appointment with my regular doctor. They gave me more antibiotics and it appeared to clear up the issue but then they called to tell me that my test came back negative for an infection. I figured it can’t hurt to finish up the other three days of antibiotics anyway and so I did. While the initial symptoms appear to have subsided at the time, I can say that I have not felt quite right since but did not want to make a big deal and be the subject to poking and prodding.


Three weeks later I got a stye in my left eye. I have had them in the past and they normally clear on their own in a few days. Well all except mine that is. Mine got infected, turned to cellulites and my entire left side of my face blew up. My eye was so thick it was swollen shut and my eyelid was so filled with God knows what that I thought I was going to get stretch marks on my eyelid. The initial treatment was antibiotics but overnight it got worse. Three different antibiotics and a trip to an eye specialist (that I will never go back to again) and finally that issue seemed to resolve itself.


Less than a week after I finished the medical treatment for this eye, I noticed the same thing happening in my other eye. Over 4th of July weekend of course and with no doctor appointment to be had, I took one of the other antibiotics originally prescribed for the first eye ailment. That seemed to go away and I was OK for a bit, but then I got a pimple on the side of my face and my entire face swelled up. Painful and completely abnormal, but I was cleaning insane amounts of puss from under a scab that had peeled back one day. Something clearly was going haywire in my body. That issue clears up and a week later I get what started out as the smallest pimple on my chin. Tiny as can be but hurt like hell for some reason. Well I suppose looking back that pain was nothing compared to what happened next.

The freaking thing somehow got so infected that my entire chin blew up. It looked like I got a bad chin implant or had a golf ball inserted in my face. I was putting antibiotic topicals on it that I had an arsenal of from other ailments this year but it was getting worse and not subsiding. Then it started to spread across my jawline. So as much as I hate doctors and taking meds, I knew this was going to call for another round of antibiotics. And it did- a 10 day mega dose strong enough to kill an infection in an elephant for my chin implant issue.

After a few days that issue started to subside. Someone told me that all the antibiotics I was on lately could actually weaken my immune system so in a desperate effort to keep healthy for a change and also thinking it may help if we went the baby route, I started taking mega doses of all my vitamin supplements like a good little girl.

Well I finished the antibiotics on a Friday or actually Saturday. On Monday I got up and had a pain in my bladder. I thought I just got out of bed and had to pee real bad. I went to the bathroom and no relief. I said to myself, if I did not know any better, I would swear I had another urinary tract infection. But there was no way that could be- I just finished these horse pills of antibiotics a day ago. Something clearly was not right as my bladder was spasming. So I go to the bathroom again before I leave for work and now I am urinating blood- like lots and lots of blood. At first I thought my period came really early. I had to do a double, even triple check, but no it was not my period. The entire morning urinating blood.

Obviously not something I thought I should wait on so I made and appointment for the doctor. Of course I can never get an appointment with my physician so I just saw whoever could get me in first. (To tell you the truth I actually kind of liked the doctor I saw.) He did a urine test and it came back with white blood cells and leukocytes in my urine which would indicate a urinary tract infection. He gave me a course of a different kind of antibiotic that this infection would be more sensitive to and off I went with more pills in my system. The blood he said was completely not normal, but he could treat the infection. He did tell me to come back in a week just to have my urine checked again and we would go from there.

Reluctantly, I got up very early today and went in for my follow up. I was certain he would tell me I was fine, but better safe than sorry. Instead of giving me a clean bill of health, he tells me that there are still small traces of blood in my urine which should not be. He is sending the urine out for further testing but pending the results, he wants me to go for blood test to check my kidney function and then a possible CT of my kidneys. Should a CT be necessary and inconclusive, he would then want to send me to a urologist and have me scheduled for a cystoscopy. Now while I did not look that up, I know it involved going to a hospital and under anesthesia while they put cameras up into your bladder and kidneys to have a looks around.

And while all this is taking place, all I can think is that I am getting married to the most wonderful man in 2 months and I can’t be getting sick now, I just can’t. I can’t put him through that. I can’t put my family through that and honestly, after seeing how they all dealt with my fathers illness, none of them can handle it. I try not to think the worst, but when I was urinating blood a week and a half ago, I did do some research as to possible causes. Kidney stones, urinary tract infection, bladder stones, bladder cancer. I think that is about where I stopped. I was trying not to make myself all paranoid and wanted to believe that it was a simple urinary tract infection, some antibiotics would clear it right up and I would go in and get a clean bill of health today. Well that was the plan anyway, but we all know that life doesn’t always take us according to plan.


I suppose I could go on and on and worry incessantly but what good would that do me. The situation is not in my control and there is nothing I can do to change the outcome at this moment or any other moment for that matter. I should hear from the doctor in a day or so and I guess we will go from there. My mind is already preparing for the worst, but I am remaining optimistic in the meantime. I did manage to crank out my three blog entries in one night but now I am a bit spent so I think I am going to end it there. Hopefully I get good news from the doctor and hopefully I have time to update you all in a more timely fashion.


Until I write again……..

Soul Searching and Life Altering Decisions

                 Originally written: Monday, August 22, 2011


A lot has been happening in my life lately. This past weekend I was really feeling a bit blue and had wished that I had a laptop handy to just start writing. When you write in the moment, things are always more impactful than when you try to recall your exact feelings after the fact. Regardless, I made a lot of tough decisions and experienced a bit of heartache and disappointment along the way.


When I met my fiancée, well before he was even my fiancée, he was always months if not years ahead in our relationship. I’m not sure if he just had a gut feeling or saw a glimmer of possibilities between us and went out on a limb and went with it. To this day I tease him that on our third date, he started asking me what we were going to do with 2 King sized beds if we ever lived together. “Live together?”- I barely knew him. On our 5th date, he told me that he loved me and while I pretended that I did not hear him as there is no way possible that you can love someone, I mean really love someone after only 5 dates, he said it again to make sure I heard him. This prompted a discussion or e-mail debate about what love is. I mean love to me is not something I take lightly and it takes months and sometimes years to fully develop in its deepest levels.

Jumping ahead about 8 months and I would say just shy of a year ago to be exact, he started hinting to me if I would ever see myself living with anyone again and he wanted to know if I would consider moving in with him. At the time I knew I liked him, maybe even loved him, yet I was still getting to know him and not at that stage quite yet. I’m sure if you recall or look back you can read all about that one. Two weeks later, maybe three max, in early September of 2010 he started asking me if I ever saw myself having children and was hinting if I would have children with him. Forget the living together scenario, and we had completely bypassed the marriage conversation, he went straight to kiddie land. I would say sometime around November of last year he told me that he wanted to have children and thought that we should start trying next year (meaning mid to late this year). The whole situation and lack of normal progression in making such a large decision took me completely by surprise.

In February of this year, much to my surprise, although I did get a gut feeling it might be coming, he proposed to me. I do admit that while I did say yes, I was not quite sure I wanted to make that commitment at the time. (For the record, I am now 100% positive I am ready for that commitment and I can’t wait. Maybe the second time around is different as I am actually excited and I don’t know that I can say that about the last time I got married.) Anyway, we got engaged and then in April a bit sooner than my own personal timeline, we moved in together. While there has been a period of adjustment as is the case with any new situation, we have wonderful balance and things are going very, very well. But while we had gotten engaged in February, I was not prepared nor willing to commit to any type of conversation regarding wedding planning. It has nothing to do with my uncertainty as to this level of commitment, it was more to do with the fact that wedding planning is stressful and I wanted to focus at the time on school and passing my PHR exam which were my top priority this spring. I informed my fiancée that those discussions would need to wait until Memorial Day.

Well he must have been busting at the seams because as soon as Memorial Day rolled around, the wedding conversation commenced. Well, not before jumping ahead once again. In mid April we were relaxing outside for a bit after the stressful few weeks of moving and the topic of wedding came up. He told me that he would wait as he did not want to stress me out, but I allowed him to begin the conversation. Little did I know that this also opened up in his mind the topic of did I want to have kids, when and could we start right away- meaning in the next 2-3 months. Forget the wedding, we went straight to the kids. And looking back, while I can’t recall for certain, I think the reason we opted to get married this year versus next had to do with later options if we decided to have children.

Now fast forward a month or two. Wedding planning had commenced as I had successfully passed my PHR exam. With the passing of the exam and finishing of classes, not only did wedding plans move up to top priority but so did baby talk. For a man, he had baby fever like I have never seen. There was a time back last June when we went to Rhode Island which you can read back upon if you so desire. During the trip, an unexpected situation came about with a child and I thought what a horrible person and father he would be. After all, I personally think the way a man deals with children can say a lot about their character. Well I am pleased to say that I had him pegged very wrong on that one and I have no doubt he would be an excellent father and I can think of nobody better that I would want to have children with. He is patient, caring, loving, supportive and has so many good, NO- make that great qualities to teach and instill in a young impressionable mind.


I’m not sure how it came about, but perhaps in mid to late June I had agreed after what seemed like months and months of him begging in a polite manner, to have children……but not until the end of the summer. And then we finally set a wedding date and I got a beautiful dress so that pushed things back another month or two. As the summer draws to a close, I did a lot of thinking and truth be told, I am older, never envisioned having kids at this age and I like the freedom and flexibility that I have in my life. Plus our relationship is new and in an ideal world, if I was just getting married- I would take the time to really enjoy us before I complicated or changed things.

I think people that are older make better parents in some respect. The are more well rounded, have more life experiences under their belts and instill better values in their children, but that said, younger parents have the energy factor going for them. I can tell you right now that I don’t know that I have the energy that I did ten years ago. I think younger parents just go into it not knowing fully what to expect whereas older parent have weigh all the options and while nothing can fully prepare you for parenthood, they are more in the know. Now I think about things like the cost of daycare, college tuition, how it will impact my career and earning potential. I have to say that money has become a big deciding factor in the decision. I think when you are young and in love and it seems like the thing to do, you take the approach, “we will make it work” but are too immature to fully grasp what lies ahead.

Anywho- as time went on, I grew to like my new life and the flexibility it provided. I enjoy the quiet nights snuggling on the sofa in silence and those long conversations we haven until all hours of the night. I like sleeping late and going to bed at all hours. I like going out spur of the moment and having a child would change everything. Back and forth I went on this topic as it is not an easy decision. One way or another it changes your life forever. Which is the right decision? Which will I regret? Which will bring me more happiness? Which will cause me less struggle and financial turmoil? And which will afford me more options in life?

In the end, two weeks ago to be exact my fiancée convinced me that while it would be hard and challenging, we should have kids. I think we left off that we would start in October or shortly after our wedding. And while I agreed, I thought about it over the next few days and decided maybe I did not want to overhaul my life after all. Every time he brought up kids, I would ask, “do you really want to change all this?” I would point out every negative to having a kid as he would say.

In reality, all I ever wanted was to have kids. I knew it since the time I was a child. We had to do a project in the 2nd or 3rd grade- maybe 4th and we needed to write a report on what we wanted to be when we grew up. To be honest, I just wanted to be a housewife and a mom. For someone as driven and ambitions as me, that is not very inspiring, but it is the truth. Of course all my classmates wanted to be doctors or lawyers or other similarly prestigious professions so I very well could not write a paper on being a mom and a housewife - so I made something up to go along with the norm.

My first job was working in a children’s clothing store. I happened to work in the infants and toddlers division and was always surrounded by adorable little babies. I have no idea how it started, but somewhere along the line, I began collecting baby clothes. This was even before my previous marriage. All my managers questioned me or looked at me odd to see if I was hiding a teen pregnancy, but I was not. I was buying a print that was being discontinued that I fell in love with and knew they would make no more if I ever had children. It started with a layette line and snowballed into baby dresses, tuxedos, outfits, shoes, snowsuits and on and on. I have an entire chest of assorted baby items that I have literally been carting around for over 18 years.

When I went through my divorce I gave up on love, marriage and most of all on ever having children. I think I did such a good job of making peace with that fact that it is hard for me to go in any other direction. Yet when I moved for the second time, I had the opportunity to part with them. At that time I knew that my sister in law was pregnant with my niece and I very well could have given those items to my sister in law, yet I did not. I still have them and somewhere deep down inside I thought that I might have a better use for them one day….like my own. So for someone so dead set against having kids at my age, why can I not part with those old baby items when I had the chance?

I really could not explain it but I will go on to say that I did such a good job of defending my position to not have children, that I changed my fiancée around. Within two weeks of wanting to have children and reading up on it, he has decided that it would be simpler and he really does not want to have kids after all. He even told me that he was considering having a vasectomy so as not to take any chances. Perhaps it is the finality of the surgery when apparently I am undecided on the decision, but when he said that, it was like a giant knife was plunged into my heart. This is what I had been lobbying for all along, so why was I so upset when he told me that after giving it more thought, he did not want to have children.

I don’t know if he did it on purpose as this switch up is a tactic I learned in sales seminars or if I did such a good job of selling him, that he really no longer wants to have children. Perhaps it was the sudden 180 from two weeks prior that had taken me by surprise. Or the fact that for over a year he has been telling me that he wanted for us to have children and then all the sudden, just like that- something he felt so heartfelt and committed to- gone!


I was feeling so many emotions that I don’t even know what one or two or even three to call the news. Disappointment, heartbroken, devastated, shocked, surprised, confused. I don’t know what it was. If I am being 100% honest, when he said that, I started thinking- what is the purpose of living in this giant overpriced house. What the hell are we even getting married for. The whole point was so we could have children sooner rather than later if it ended up being the route we took. We sacrificed our family being at our wedding to start our own family and now that was not going to be the case either. This entire change of heart had me spending a good three days soul searching to find out why it was that I was as upset by his announcement as I was. I don’t know that I have all the answers but I did come to some conclusions.

In a former life, I tried for well over 5 years to have children. Unbeknown to me at the time, my ex was not able to have kids and looking back it was for the best that we never did. But every month for 5 years trying and failing- wondering what is wrong with you, wondering why everyone else could get pregnant and I could not, wondering why this lady I saw literally kicking her kid repeatedly in the parking lot in his ribs would make a better mother than I would. (And yes, you read right- this child was on the ground huddled by the tire of the car and the mother was kicking him in the ribs and head) Anyway- I have to say that that entire experience was one of the most emotional and painful experiences of my life. I mean so much so that I would put it right up there with the loss of my father. Perhaps I say I don’t want children to protect me from the pain of failure in the future. Perhaps it is easier to be OK with having kids but to not actually try to have kids for the fear of failure once again.

Then there is the fact that my fiancée and I have discussed possibly moving out of state, being able to go out on a whim with friends and to travel and see the world. Well this got me to thinking. One of his good friends, he does not see the point in vesting too much time in as they have announced they may be moving out of the country or the state in a few years. I made a really good friend about two years ago and she moved out of state for a job. There are people I was very close with at my last place of employment and after 2 years, I have lost touch with many of them or can’t seem to find the time to fit them in amongst other new events and friends that have entered my life. So here we are making a decision to not have kids and raise a family because of our friends. Friends that may come and go, friends that we may lose touch with voluntarily or involuntarily. We are choosing to give all that up so we can go out on a whim, travel and do things with friends that we have no interest (or at least he has no interest) in vesting any more time into because they will not be around forever.


Well they say you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family. I have seen this work in both directions and mainly people say it when there is a less desirable person you are unfortunately related to. But after all is said and done, they also say that friends come and go but family is forever. This got me to thinking……. If all our friends moved away, heck- if we decided for whatever reason to pick up and move to another state, we would know no one. We would be starting completely from scratch. Sure we would meet new people eventually, but those friends we put our lives on hold for would be gone forever. Family on the other hand would not. Yes it is more complicated. Yes it is much cheaper and requires less sacrifice to not have children, but family will always be the one constant you have in your life. If I move cross country, my friends are staying here, but my kids will always be with me (at least until they are 18 or 20 and even then they will be a big part of my life.)


We decided not to have a children because of the cost and the fact that this house we are living in is well above our means (or at least it could be if we had another mouth or two to feed or support.) But I am going to put my life on hold over where I live. The house can catch fire and burn to the ground, but God willing, we all get out safely. The house is a pile of ashes, but I have the love of my family to rebuild somewhere else.

Travel….. we decided that it will be our goal to travel the world, or at least parts of it. Italy, France, Greece, Mexico. My personal dream would be to go to Fiji or Bora Bora and stay over a hut in the water. All breathtaking and memorable life experiences. But is it not also memorable when your child tells you they love you for the first time. Is it not also memorable when you child graduates, is the star of a school play, get some award and you look on with pride and say- “that is my kid!” My father used to always say that he regrets ever having kids. He points out what great things he could have done if he didn’t have to make all those sacrifices he did for his kids. I’d like to think that if he were alive today he might take all that back, but I will never know for certain. Putting aside the fact that my father was an ass, I can see how having children in the ultimate sacrifice one can make, but it can also be the ultimate reward. I mean traveling to a foreign country and watching your child flourish knowing you had a part in that process- the two are unparalleled.

All I am saying is that life is too short. I don’t want to regret a decision I make now for years to come, but I suppose it is too late. After a year of asking, I finally give in and I did a top notch job of getting my opponent to change their mind. Perhaps it is the fact the mentally I have been preparing myself or he has been preparing me to go one direction and then just like that- Game over….new players, new rules!

I write tonight just to get this off my chest. Not that it will change anything, but just for my own satisfaction, and perhaps so that one day I may look back upon it. There are no easy answers when you decide to take a big plunge like this one. A few weeks from now, I may change my mind again. But the fact that his change of heart elicited such a strong response from me has to tell me something. I think I am too old (which I do) but there is someone a year older than I at work and she is about to have triplets. Even at her age, she had a dream of having a family and she did not back away from it. Granted some fertility drugs must have been involved which I am not prepared to do, but she did not back down from her dream to take the easier way out.

Look at me- I busted my ass in school this past winter. I survived a divorce, two job losses, the death of my father- all within a years time and it did not break my spirits, nor did I give up when times got tough because it was the easier thing to do. Life throws me a challenge and I take it head on. I either beat it or it beats me, but in the end, I am a better person as a result of the experience and not too many people can say that.

There may be some things here that I have not expressed or perhaps I have not expressed as well vocally when I discussed this topic with my fiancée, but there is nothing he is going to read here that should surprise him. He knows how I feel now and he chooses to stand his ground. The situation is what it is. I just kick myself for waiting so long to come to this realization…..for waiting until it was too late.

In the end, while I am not super religious, I do believe there is a higher power and they have a better plan for all of us. I now know why it was not meant for me to have children with my ex in a former life, perhaps there too is a reason I am not meant to have children in this life either. In the end it is what it is and I will just have to be OK with it. Perhaps I am just upset because I went back to the “wanting to try” and have kids that was such a painful part of my past versus the “being Ok with the idea” of having kids. Somewhere out there, there is a bigger plan for me….I will just have to wait to see what it is and be pleasantly surprised when it unfolds itself.


Until I write again…….

Nothing but a boring update!

                                                  Originally written: Monday, August 22, 2011


It has been quite some time since I have been able (or should I say since I have made the time) to write. Make no mistake about it, there have been many times I wanted to write but I have found that life goes by so quickly. I feel as if my blog is just average and lacking at best these days so why bore people with another random update. There are certain topics I would like to touch upon. Each should be it own separate entry, but as so much time has lapsed, I always feel compelled to give an update of events since the last time I wrote.


Perhaps I will give a hodge podge of an update here and then start on separate entries each containing their own topic which would probably be more interesting to follow. Of course while that is my intent now, time may have other intentions. I felt the need to go for a very long walk and clear my head today and there is a lot on my mind as of late. It is after 8pm now so to foolishly think I will whip out three separate blog entries in one evening is a bit optimistic on my part, but here goes……


Two entries ago I wrote about a possible imposture, James A. Perry to be precise, above my father. Well I have to formally apologize to Mr. Perry. It appears that the cemetery made a mistake on the paperwork my mother has and he is where he belongs. My mother did buy several crypts around my father so that the entire family could be together, but his was apparently not one of them.


In my last blog entry I told you that my fiancée wanted to cancel our wedding so that family could be there. I am all about family being there as that was my original plan. We decided that it was impossible to make everyone happy and in the event that we ever decided to have children, it would be better to not have to wait as we are already older than ideally we would want to be starting a family. So after much debate and emotional torture (of my own doing) as I worry about EVERYBODY and EVERYTHING, we decided a small ceremony on the beach in St. Lucia would be the best option followed by a reception of sorts when we got home with the family. Then second guessing set in on his part and my last blog entry was born.


I gave him a week to decide and while it is now almost a two months later, he did give me a decision and that was to stick to the original plan and for us to get married on the beach this October. Towards the end of July I bought a wedding band and two weeks ago we went to pick out his. As a matter of fact, we just picked his up from the jeweler yesterday and I received a message today that mine is also ready for pick up.


In a very late development, my mother was trying as hard as possible to make her way to my wedding. I felt awful and I could tell she really wanted to be there for that special event. She was basically asking people she barely knew to accompany her so that she did not have to be a third wheel on our honeymoon but would be able to see her first born walk down the aisle, or the beach in this case. It would be one thing if she did not want to go, but she desperately did and having lost my father last year, it was tearing my heart into pieces as I knew that years from now I would look back and regret that my mother was not there. She had been pushing her friend to get a passport and go with her for what seemed like months but I had a feeling her friend did not want to go or did not have the money to go and was therefore dragging her feet not knowing how to tell my mother.

Long story short, my mom’s renewed interest in finding a way to get to my wedding come hell or high water prompted my fiancée to start questioning his parent’s intent. He would never admit it to me, but I could tell that he was upset that his parents when given amble opportunity to join us on various occasions had repeatedly declined to go. I think finances played a part, although I can not be 100% certain. In the end, he sent them a very short, to the point yet guilt ridden e-mail and three days later they had booked their trip. This then prompted me to call my mom and she put a bit of pressure on her friend to see what the story was.


It turns out that my mom’s friend did not want to go for financial reasons. After a bit of back and fourth, my fiancée and I decided that we would pay part of her trip cost so that my mother had a partner in crime and……. well, so I did not have to babysit my mom on my honeymoon. When her friend still declined, we extended the same offer to my sister, but she too declined. Now I know my sister has the money but is being a tightwad, but that is another story.

So as of right now, I am getting married to the most wonderful man on the beach in St. Lucia in October accompanied by our parents. I am honestly pleased they are coming. I just wish that they were all flying down the same day. As of right now it looks like I will be flying down with my mom and his parents will arrive 2 or maybe 3 days later. I had hoped for some alone time with my husband to be, but it doesn’t look like that will be the case. It kind of sucks in a way that I can’t even begin to tell you but it is what it is. Every vacation he and I have ever taken has involved a family member or family visit of sorts. I was so excited when I found out it was finally just going to be the two of us. Now I have to entertain people which was not exactly what I had envisioned but it is my wedding and my mother will be there so I suppose in the end, that is truly what is most important. Hopefully he and I will have many years to take vacations together ……ALONE.


There are plenty of other things I can certainly update you on that are happening in life and with my family, but I think I will end here and try and get to those other entries I had optimistically hoped to write done.

Until I write again…….