Daddy's coming for Thanksgiving

I know I said that I probably would not get a chance to write again before the holiday, but something came up that I thought I could tell you about quickly……..OK- stop laughing. I know that every time I plan to jot down something quick I have a tendency to go on for several pages but as time is limited, I really will have to keep this brief.

Yesterday I was talking to my brother-in-law on the phone and he is depressed that the holidays are upon us, his father will not be there as he passed two weeks after my father and this past weekend, their dog died. My brother-in-law has been extremely upset over the passing of his dog- both my sister and he treated that animal better than most people treat their own children. In a way, it was like their child and my mother always jokes that she wished she had a grandchild that did not have four legs and fur. Anyway, the dog passed away unexpectedly- threw up blood all over and then passed out. My sister and brother-in-law are beside themselves with grief and I think the passing of the dog was the thing that really threw them over the edge. Oh and my brother-in-law’s grandmother also passed away at the beginning of the year but he was unable to attend the funeral as both his father and my father were very ill at the same time.

My brother-in-law has been telling me that he is so upset - the house is lonely without his dog and he can’t stand it. He is very excited to have people come fill his house and stay with him. He also could use some distractions and someone to talk to or go places with. Beyond that, it has been his routine to come home from work, call out to the dog whose name was Brooklyn and then take him for a walk, hug and kiss him and then they would nap together. Out of habit I suppose, he has been coming home each day from work calling out to the dog only for reality to hit that Brooklyn would not be answering.

The other night my brother-in-law told me that he had dream so real that he woke up with chills, goose bumps from head to toe, sweating and crying. In his dream he was sleeping in the bed when he heard the doorbell ring. He told me that his dream was so real that he thought he actually woke up so when the dream ended and he found himself still in the bed, he was freaked out. In the dream, he woke from his nap to answer the door. Upon opening it to see who was ringing the doorbell, he said my father was standing there. He told me that he looked good- he looked real good. He looked healthy, he had a head of hair- probably in his 40’s and he was thin but not emaciated or sickly looking. He was wearing a grey Member’s Only jacket and tan pants. “As usual”, my brother-in-law said, “He did not match”. After opening the door to see my father looking happy and healthy, he said, “Tony? What are you doing here? You are not supposed to be here.” To this my father replied, “Yes I am, I am coming for dinner.” My brother-in-law said, “Dinner? What do you mean dinner?” He told me that my father was holding a carton of eggs but when he opened them, they were devilled eggs. Oddly enough, my father loved eggs in any form. When my brother-in-law questioned why my father was there for dinner, my father replied, “Thanksgiving, I am coming for Thanksgiving dinner. I heard the family will all be here and I want you to know that I will be too so I hope you save me a seat at your table.”

A bit confused, my brother-in-law said, “Yeah, they are all going to be here for dinner.” Then he paused and said, “Hey Tony, can you help me? I can’t find Brooklyn- I have been looking all over but he is not here.” To this my father said, “Brooklyn is fine. He is over there playing with your father.” At this point, my brother-in-law said, “He is?” Then my father replied, “Yes- he is fine. Don’t forget to save me a spot for Thanksgiving- I will be here with the rest of the family.” Right about that time, my brother-in-law said he noticed that my father was no longer standing in the doorway and he woke up from his dream with chills. He told me that he has never had such a real dream in his entire life.

So while this may be our first Thanksgiving without my father, something tells me that he will be there to partake in the festivities after all. I just wish he were really there….I’d give anything to see him in that ugly sweater he wore year after year that we all made fun of him for.

A happy and safe holiday everyone. Safe travels to all those hitting the roads, rails and skies to visit loved ones near and far.

Until I write again….

Random Blah, Blah, Blah

Hmmm, what to write about? Not that I have anything in particular that I need to write about which is an interesting change of pace, but I actually have some time which is a rarity these days. Truth be told, I’m sure I could find something better to do with my time but I have a week to deal with that.

I am Las Vegas bound in less than a week for Turkey Day and a visit with my sister. We had some last minute travel issues but they appear to be under control now. My boyfriend is joining us and he got called to a last minute business trip that sort of conflicts with the start of the vacation. We had to redo some airline tickets, then I changed my mother ticket and redid some seating arrangements. I am hoping that travel goes smoothly but there is a part of me that is nervous with the unknown. There is this one astrologer that I have been following for a few years now and surprisingly she is somewhat accurate most of the time. Of course with all predictions there is much speculation but she seems to pin things down pretty well in my opinion. Anyway, the point I feel I need to bring this up is because she talks about November 26th and 27th being the worst travel dates and that happens to be the date I am flying home. With all the changes in airfare last minute, I am hoping that she is wrong on this one.

Since I am headed out to Vegas in a few days, I decided yesterday to go to the cemetery and visit with my father. I had not been since July right before his birthday and part of me has been feeling guilty that I had not gone sooner. The other part of me was dreading the trip as I have been having some daddy issues lately and felt it would be a very emotional visit. All in all though, it was not bad. It was a beautiful day and I decided that I had some time and I wanted to pay my respects.

One year ago I took my father to visit his parents at the cemetery so he could make his peace. Never did I think a year later I would be making a similar trip to different cemetery to visit my own parent. And if you asked me what I had to do to have a conversation with my father 5 years ago, even two years ago, never did I think it would involve a trip to Pinelawn and a conversation with a granite wall.

I brought him a little turkey thing I picked up in the party store as I felt guilty going empty handed and it was my turkey day visit afterall so the props I brought seemed appropriate. To be honest, I am not even sure how the conversation started. My conversation may have started with me saying “I brought you some turkey for Thanksgiving. I know it is not real turkey, but honestly, you haven’t eaten real turkey for Thanksgiving in years now.” You see my father always scheduled an endoscopy prior to Thanksgiving and they did banding on his esophageal varicies. As a result he was not able to eat real food so he was always on a goulash diet of “drool” as my father called it. Everyone had turkey and the fixings but he always had mash potatoes, pastina and maybe some jello or soup pureed so it really did look like “drool”.

I think I then went on to tell him that I tried to make nice with his family but all bets are off as his sister is a bitter old woman- old and alone or not, it is no reason to call up and yell at us as we did nothing to deserve it. I talked about how my brother was so emotional on his wedding and he should have been there. I told him how my mother looked so beautiful and her brother tried his best to dance with her, walk her down the aisle and ensure she did not feel alone but it was still not the same. I told him I was trying my best to get along with my mother but as he knew, she was messy, unorganized and had a serious shopping issue that I gave up trying to rectify. I told him that I had some good things and some bad happen this year and that I hoped that no matter where life took me, he would helped me down the best path possible. I explained that I was doing well at work and that I had made many great achievements. Life had been cruel to me and handed me a shitty hand, but I made the most of it and did not let life get me down and while he was never proud of any of us, he should be very proud of his family and who we all turned out to be.

My father was always concerned what his legacy was going to be, what people were going to remember him by and what he was going to leave behind. When my father passed, my brother saw a necklace medallion that had fingerprints on it. He asked if in addition to the Thumbie we were getting with my father thumb print, we would each give our print to put on a necklace. There are now 5 finger prints on the medallion and on the back my brother had them engrave it “Legacy”. I told my father the other day that my brother had it right, he did leave behind a legacy and in each and every one of us, there was a part of him- in the things we say, the actions, the mannerisms- each one of us has a bit of him inside that will be there for as long as we live. I told him that was his legacy and that he should be very proud of what he has left behind. I told him that life has thrown us all a lot to handle- me especially in the past few years and that he should be proud of who I am and what I have become. It is sad that he saw my life fall apart and will never get to be a part of the rebuilding process, but I told him that I never gave up – even on the toughest of days and he should be real proud of me. He should be real proud of all of us.

I’m not really sure how the rest of my one sided conversation went but I asked him to ensure we all had a safe flight out to Vegas. I thanked him as I just knew he was partly responsible for preventing the bad car accident I almost got into a few weeks ago. I asked him to ensure we had a good holiday as my mom was starting to get depressed and I did not know what to do for her. Her birthday is not until January but she has already decided that she would not be celebrating as it reminded her of the day he died. I told him that he always joked that he would haunt her if she moved on, but she deserved to be happy, move on and have good things in life. I told him that if she ever met anyone, he needed to realize that and be happy for her.

Now that I am done with the daddy issues, I wonder if I should write about anything else. I think I will give myself a 20 minute limit and then call it a night. Of course when I get going on a topic, all bets are off so this should be interesting.

Her comes the blah, blah and random blah leading up to the title of my entry. On the work front, I am kicking ass and taking names. I asked one manager- actually two how their new hires were and I got an ecstatic- “Awesome”. One manager told me that he would give me a pat on the back but this was HR and there would be no inappropriate touching so I should give myself a pat on the back. And I do have to say that I put someone through the background screen in record time. My goal was to clear all non- warehouse positions off my desk before I headed out to Vegas and I have almost succeeded in meeting my goal. I do have three warehouse managers scheduled for interview tomorrow so now I just have to go to bed and pray the general manager likes them.

In relationship land- things have been moving at a very rapid pace but one that I think I have finally prepared myself for. You already know that in August my boyfriend started hinting if I wanted to live with him. It came up a few times and I think we agreed that we would pick that conversation up in January. I need to be here for my mom during the holidays and for her birthday which is also the one year anniversary of my father’s death. (I really can’t believe that almost an entire year has passed) Getting back to my original topic of the living together and the timing of things, some questions came up as to where to live but I guess those are issues that we will address when the timing presents itself. I will say that one of his tenants wants out of their lease and yesterday some conversations that he admits we were not necessarily ready to have came up. Trying to figure out where he wanted to live, whether he wanted to move back into his house or rent it again and continue renting himself came up. This prompted conversations about if I could see myself living in his house one day and if I even liked the house. It then brought up topics of what was going to be the best route to get us to other goals we may set for ourselves, and while we are very much together, we are also very much apart when it comes to making decisions.

As you know I entertain anything and I think this time around, he was more uncomfortable bringing up the topics than I was listening to them. We kind of went around in circles for a bit. I have no problems being in a partnership and making decisions together as a team- something I wish I had in my marriage that I never did and it is so welcoming and inviting to find that mentality in someone I am with. Yet the fact remains, I can’t help him make some of the decisions he has to make and I can’t make them jointly either as we are not yet in a position where we make joint decisions on certain topics- like where to live long term. I could see if we lived together now and figuring out what was the next best thing for our future came up, but we don’t live together so it is kind of awkward that he factors me in when figuring out things and technically while he values my opinion, I really have no say.

I think we left off that he was going to try and find another renter for his house, continue to get a better cash flow by renting himself as his company is about to be bought out and there is still an element of uncertainty in his life. If he can’t find a renter, I think he would entertain the idea of moving back home, but for right now that is not his first choice. As for me, his apartment is small when you factor in more stuff added to the mix, but it is livable- certainly not a long term living arrangement but people do it. If and when the time comes that it makes sense to live together, what matters is that we are stable and happy. I have been through enough in life to know that big beautiful living arrangements and material possessions do not make for a happy life. Sometimes it really is the little things that matter. I would trade in my Mc Mansion (if I had one that is) for happiness any day of the week.

Before I move on and while I am on the topic of living arrangements, there is something that I worried about early on in the living arrangement conversation that I have never had a chance to write about. You see I am extremely anal, set in my ways, organized and particular about the way I like to do things. My boyfriend is the same way- some similar analnesses and some different ones. (And no- I do not think analnesses is a word, but it is now.) Anyway- he does things that annoy me sometimes, but then I stop and think – OK, I am the same way about other things so let it go. Unless we don’t see eye to eye on something, I think oddly enough we work. But spending a weekend here and a night there is far different from living with someone full time. It is at that point where I think things can get better and be a bonding experience and make a couple stronger or it can be the destruction of what once appeared to be a stable and functioning relationship. I think we will be OK, but you never know.

Financial wise, I think we are both responsible and have it in us to set common goals- financial or otherwise and stick to them, discussing any needed deviations along the way. But finances are a concern. Life has taught me to be more cautious with my spending and well, he is a bit more free with his earned dollar. Granted, he probably makes three times my salary at this point so there will always be a discrepancy from that stand point. I guess time will tell how that will factor in but the thing that I worry about that may or may not be a bit silly is his analnesses with his spreadsheets and in particular his spreadsheet for his finances.

I have yet to see the aforementioned spreadsheet nor at this point it is my business nor do I have a need to see it, but he did mention in passing that his ex-wife could not grasp it. He tried to show her a few times but she never got it and always messed it up or could not follow how it was done. My mom calls me “down to the penny Jenny” because when I was trying to teach her to do her bills this year, I would stop and go over every last thing until I got the balance to match down to the penny. It is comforting to find someone that is also “down to the penny”, but while he has this spreadsheet he created that downloads this and that, I do it the old fashion way- with my paper checkbook register. I match it up with what is on the computer and then play with the numbers until I have reconciled my checkbook balance with that of the bank. (A skill by the way that I think I learned in high school or some class, but a skill I think if valuable for everyone to learn at some point in their life). Well, the long winded point I am trying to get at is that the spreadsheet scares me a bit. What if his ex was not stupid or couldn’t grasp it? What if the creator of the spreadsheet made it so elaborate that even the financially stable at heart will have issue with it? Will he then get equally annoyed at my inability to follow his analnesses? (There I used the word again!)

OK, now that we have discussed living situations, finances and other uncomfortable topics of conversations- let’s push the envelope even further and talk babies. Yep- babies! I just told you that my boyfriend appeared to be extremely uncomfortable talking about living situations yet some things that should be awkward for him to mention are not- hence the topic of baby talk. A few months back the topic of having a kid by accident would have probably freaked him out yet somewhere along the line, I think he decided I would be a suitable mother to his children. We have danced around the topic from time to time as it came up in conversation. Usually we would joke about stuff and if something more serious came of it, then we would entertain the point in question.

Now that I think of it, we were driving to Pennsylvania Columbus Day weekend and got stuck in traffic. Somehow the topic of kids came up. It has been the running joke that his balding head was like a magic ball and could predict the future. As I had much uncertainty in my life this year, I jokingly rubbed his head one day and asked where I would be in 5 years. He told me that I would be living in Georgia. I would marry some rich doctor and I would have 12 kids with him. He would have tons of money and I would have a beautiful mansion, yet I would be unhappy with him because the sex would be bad. So every now and then the joke about the 12 kids in Georgia comes up.

Perhaps the conversation was started by bringing up the 12 kids I was going to have or that he was going to have. One silly stuck in traffic topic led to another and then before you knew it, I was throwing it back at him asking him what he planned to name his 12 kids. He came up with some awful names and when I asked him to be serious for a moment, he got annoyed and told me he was not ready to think about that right now. So as a side note, we go from that 3 or 4 weeks ago, to something more recent that may have had him prepared to talk about that more seriously.

I think we were sitting in Weight Watchers together trying to figure out how to get more points. He came up with a crazy idea so I told him that I would just have to have kids so I could get nursing points or something to that effect. One comment leads to another and while I am not really sure how, I asked what was the cut off age at which he would not consider having kids. He told me 44. I then asked him what would be the age at which he would consider having kids- his reply was 37. I just stopped for a moment and in a high pitched voice said, “37, that is next year.” He looked at me and said, “I know- I am ready to have kids.” He reads my blog from time to time and knows that in the past, I have questioned whether he was serious or joking at times about certain topics. With that in mind, he then said as a follow up, “I know you question whether or not I am serious sometimes- I want you to know that I am very serious. I am ready to have kids and I think you would make a good mother.”

Truth be told, I was not really sure how I should react to that. Part of me was a bit in shock. Woman usually have the baby blues- not men so the role reversal took me for a surprise, but beyond that, while there was a time when I wanted nothing more than to have children, I really thought I had gotten to a point where that was not an option. I had also made peace with the fact that if I did not have kids by the time I was 34, I never would and it would be OK. Well here I am- 34, starting completely over in so many areas of my life and I figured by the time kids came up I would be old and shriveled so it would be a non-issue. I mean talk about putting the cart before the horse.

I guess I should tell you that my boyfriend told me that he realizes that from time to time he was pushes things or “jumps too far ahead” as he puts it. He then told me he would drop it but he wanted me to know where he stood on the issue and if I ever was ready to bring it up, he was ready to discuss it. At this point, he said he would drop it and not bring it up until I was ready. Well I don’t know that 24 hours constitutes “ready” but the next morning he brought it up again. He thinks from reading my blog entries that I get freaked out about things like this and while there was a time I probably would have anxiety over things or feel rushed, I have had several months to mentally adjust my thinking, accept possibilities and reopen doors that I thought had been locked forever. I have also come to accept this “forward thinking” if you will from him. While I think that certain topics may be premature, I do welcome his thoughts and I never want him to feel he has to hold back or restrict what is on his mind on my account.

That being said, he started the next morning with “I know you are not ready to discuss this but when you are…….” He really wanted me to know he was serious about all this. So while he was spilling his guts to me, I asked him to explain the timeline of events he had all planned out. Obviously there are some flaws or missing pieces (unless those he did not want to share) but he figures that in January we will have the moving in conversation (which oh my God- January is here in no time at all). Then he will work on possibly a new job at some point next year. He figures that by this time next year we should consider having a kid together because he is ready and thinks a year from now would be good timing for such a life altering event. As for me, I kind of thought other things might be pre-requisites to this conversation like….. I don’t know….maybe the living together conversation. I’m not saying people need to get married to start families, nor do I think that should be a reason to do so, but it is a bit odd that he lives one place, I am still temporarily living with my mom and yet he thinks the timing would be good to have a baby. He is not ready to consider names seriously because that is a conversation he is not comfortable or ready for yet and he was completely uncomfortable having the living arrangement conversation yesterday, yet having babies together is completely comfortable- go figure. Good luck making sense of this one because I sure as hell can not.

The one thing I know is that when I am ready for certain things, I will know it. I am cautious and will always take things at a slower pace. He likes to jump the gun and rush things. I have a good head on my shoulders but am also mindful that when I make decisions in my life and for the rebuilding of my future, I need to know that I am making them for the right reasons- not because it seems like the next logical step, not because I am desirous of a new living arrangement that does not include my mother’s house and not because it is what everyone else does. When I make those decisions, it needs to be because it is what I want and what is right for me. I think sometimes what hold me back is that I need to take a step back and really evaluate if I am doing things for the right reasons and not the wrong ones. In the past I moved in with my ex because I hated living at home. I thought living with someone else and getting married was the solution to a better way of life. Look how well that one turned out for me. This time around, I want once again to have a new roof over my head, but I need to know I am doing it because it is the right thing or what I truly want to do and not because it is a change of scenery or a better place to live.

In the end, I am a firm believer in things happening for a reason. I am also a believer in the fact that there is a higher power and that perhaps there is a plan greater than my own in store for me. If and when things are meant to happen, I believe they will and when I get where it is meant for me to be, then I will know it is because I was meant to be there. It may take some time for the destination of life’s journey to reveal itself, but little by little, step by step and day by day, I will get there.

And with that, I have far exceeded my 20 minute cutoff time. I doubt I will have time to write again this week but at least I leave for Vegas feeling that I have finally brought everyone up to date with the journey of my life and my quest to find the hidden rainbow at the end. Little by little I have seen glimpses of the colors throughout the year. Let us just hope that with each moment of passing time, the colors become more vivid and illuminate my days more and more.


I wish everyone a safe and happy holiday. Be mindful of the good you have in your life and never for a moment forget to count the many blessings we all too often take for granted. When life throws you a curveball, remember, sometimes it is the littlest things in life that make the journey worth the trek.


Happy Thanksgiving everyone!


Until I write again……….

Transition through the lens, the mind and the passing of time

I just want to start by saying that I am at this stage uncertain why I continue to blog. My writings started out very impactful, emotional, thought provoking and now I feel as if they have become mundane and mediocre at best. I suppose if you follow the progression, it goes from a chaotic point in my life to a calmer, more settling period with some ups and downs in-between which could explain the fluctuations in my writing style, but I also am a bit disappointed in myself as I know I am capable of so much more and much better writing at the very least.


Life has just gone by so very fast. I feel as if I am just trying so hard to get everyone up to speed (as if they really care) that I have not had time for the more impactful writing which I’m sure people would much rather read about. My mother tells me at times I should write a book on transitions. I suppose this is my transition writing if you will. I was speaking to my mother today as I gathered she has been struggling lately and as the holidays draw near, I feel as if she is becoming a bit more depressed. She had already told me she will never celebrate her birthday again as that was the day my father died and regardless of what happened and what the death certificate says- she will always know he died on her birthday. As for Christmas- I am asking for my brother to get us an invite to his in-laws so that my mother does not sit home feeling sorry for herself. I wish there were more I could do but there is not. Life has changed- not just for her but for all of us.

I try from time to time to explain to her what she needs to do to overcome this. I never lost a husband- at least not to death, but I lost my husband nonetheless. She is lonely and I too was in a place where I had nothing and lost everything. I overcame it and still work to overcome the obstacles still left in my path. Each day presents a new challenge and I understand some of the hurdles she faces so I try my best to help her get over them based on what worked for me but she seems to not want to listen. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t force them to drink as is the case here. My mother has always been a very positive, optimistic- almost sickeningly so, type of person. Lately she has such negativity in her voice which is not like her. So I tried to get her to open up to me some as she likes to go about pretending things don’t bother her. I think she has a lot of issues she has yet to deal with and I am not sure how to help her. She refuses to go to a support group, refuses to go out and meet friends and always seems to have issue with just about everyone new she meets. There are days when I have zero patience for her and it shows to the point I think I almost bring tears to her eyes and then I regret it afterwards. Then there are times like now when my heart goes out to her as I feel I have been so insensitive to her needs and feelings.

She will not say so, but I think she wishes she had me all to herself – wishes she had more “mommy and me” time as I like to call it. I think she feels I make more time for my boyfriend than her or that she gets secretly jealous when I go out with my friends but what am I to do- sit home lonely and depressed watching countless hours of TV as she does? Anyway, the point I started to make is that we are all in transition. She feels that her life sucks and that life did not take her where she thought it would. I just looked at her and said- “hello- and mine did?”. She tried to blame her negativity on me being so whoa is me from time to time. She told me that it was OK for her to be upset sometimes. I agreed with her and said it was not my fault she was feeling the way she was and that I know all too well about having your moments. I mean my entire life feel apart at the same time so you don’t have to preach to me about life going where you did not anticipate. At this point she stopped and said- “OK- so maybe your life was a bit more messed up than mine- I give you that.”

I know where she is coming from, I know what she is going through and what she is feeling and what she faces. I know the despair, the hopelessness and the inability to see the light at the end of the tunnel sometimes. Let’s face it, how many years have I been waiting to catch a glimpse of that rainbow? I finally catch a peek and it gets covered up with some crappy ass rain cloud. Life suck sometimes- it is hard and I am not here to say that it isn’t, but life goes on. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and take it minute by minute if you have to. That being said, I started off by saying how my writing appears to have been lacking in content lately.

Right about now I am wondering why I continue to write- other than I enjoy it of course. My blog started out “breathe- taking” as it was described to me by someone, and now I feel it is just blah. Why is it blah? Well I have my suspicions. One I have limited time to write now that I have gone back to work. Two- I have found other outlets to cope or people that I can share my thoughts and feelings with so I no longer feel the need to write as much for the same “therapeutic benefits” that it once had. Three- maybe my life is becoming much more settled and with that I figure who cares what is going on during my “transition”. But I am not a quitter- I have been thrown some of life’s hardest challenges simultaneously and have yet to give up. 2010 was to be my year, my blog and the Liver Walk were my big projects for the year and so as determined as ever, I force myself to find time to write.

I am preparing to go to Vegas in a week and a half to see my sister for Thanksgiving. I have started my holiday shopping and all my usual photo projects and then life has pulled me all over the place- so boring has become my writing, but this was my 2010 project and 11 months into the year I can’t just quit now.

I wrote a partial blog entry last month (just posted) even thought it may have been one of my longest yet. I had more thoughts or things to comment on but one thing I have learned is why move backwards when you can move forward. If only life had a few hours more to each day and they were all mine not to be shared with anyone else, surely you would get more quality but that unfortunately has not been the case so I will give you a brief rundown and then see where my writing takes me. It may take me a while to get caught up and then at that point I will once again fall behind with more updates but I am doing the best I can.

I think I am just going to randomly jot down some thoughts or things that have been happening lately so bare with me.

The day of my brother’s wedding- I woke up anxious, nervous and sick to my stomach. No idea if it had to do with my father or imagining what my brother must be thinking, but I was sick and anxious nonetheless. I also think it had to do with my state of affairs- going through a divorce, feeling I failed and life feel apart and then being confused about what I truly wanted in life. My boyfriend was feeling me out on the marriage thing and I was not sure why and I was not sure if I did or did not want that. I suppose at that moment, I did not need to know for sure, but I was anxious and very confused the morning of my brother’s wedding. Actually the week leading up to the wedding and the days after the wedding were horrible for me. I cried for 3 days after my brother got married thinking of my father not being there- wondering if this was really all happening as some days it feels like a fog or a real bad dream. I imagined my poor brother and how young he was and my father missed a very significant time in his life. I just thought about how my father should have been there and how he knew he would not be. When my brother booked his wedding the year prior- my father turned to me and my brother and said, “September …..of next year? That is over a year away. I will not be here in a year.” We all told him to stop saying that and my brother was very upset when my father made those comments, but in the end, my father knew best. In the days after my brother’s wedding I thought about how on his deathbed, he apologized to my brother for being so sick and for not being able to be at his wedding. It seems so far away, yet I remember it like it was just yesterday. Some days it feels surreal.

For some reason I have been thinking of my father a lot lately- just about every day. Yesterday I was in the basement looking for something that I wanted to sell at my yard sale last year but have found a use for it if I still had it in my possession. I never did find what I was looking for but ran across some of his camera equipment. It was old and he had not used it in years and years but it was sitting there getting all moldy and musty. The was another cabinet with some of his more recent equipment and the stuff he used most which we removed from the trunk of his car when we sold was upstairs in my mother’s bedroom closet. She seems to have no use for it so the other day she made a comment about selling it on e-bay, calling up my father’s old Newsday friends and seeing if any of them could sell it or get rid of it for her. I was very upset by this. His entire life- things that had actual dollar value not to mention sentimental value were pieces of useless junk to her. She wanted to throw away his camera equipment….. and why- so she can fill the house will useless clutter that she collects from the Dollar Store? I told her that my sister wanted some of it but when she came for the wedding it was in the back of the closet and she did not have time to look at it. My mother just wants it all gone. I don’t get her sometimes- she misses him and is mad that he died on her, but when it comes to his valuables, she can give them away as easily as one would a used T-shirt.

Well, as I had started to say, I was looking for something in the basement and when I saw his stuff collecting dust, it saddened me. He had boxes of photos he had mounted for contest he was entered in and it made me think what else was down there. So I started looking and stumbled upon newer equipment and I began to think that perhaps I should take them all and put them in my storage unit before they disappeared as a result of my mother. I started poking through his camera bag and looking at the lenses. Some of them were scratched and probably would not photograph well, but others looked half way decent. Then it got me to thinking- I like taking photos- a secret hobby of mine- maybe my father’s legacy left behind but truth be told, I have no idea what I am doing. I have a camera that takes good photos I suppose although some would argue it is the photographer that makes for good photos and not the actual camera being used. But looking at all the equipment it bothered me some that this was my father’s profession and I have no clue how to use a real camera. I won a Sony something or other in a contest. It has a great lense/ zoom capabilities and some other cool features but it is nothing fancy as far as I am concerned. I supposed you could buy other lenses for it but I wouldn’t have a clue how to use them anyway. My father always told me the camera was a piece of crap and to get a real one. So there I was with a real camera, a bag full of lenses and a legacy left behind by an award winning photographer and sadly I had no clue how to use any of it. My father took the time to show complete strangers how to use their cameras- how to set the exposures, use the flash, which lenses would worked best under which circumstances. He would be at family functions showing uncles, aunts and cousins how to use their equipment but never once did he spend the time to teach any of his kids. So here I am with all his equipment and while I know it is not useless junk, as far as I am concerned it is to me because I have no ideas what it is used for or how to use it properly. Perhaps I should make the time to learn- I meant to really learn, but I lived with a professional photographer who definitely got me into photography, but who never really showed me a damn thing other than what I learned observing him or being criticized by him over the years. How messed up is that? Looking back, I bet he feels sorry now and wishes he had made more time for his family, but he did not and now it is too late. So a basement and a closet full of junk is what I inherited – perhaps one day I can get a stranger to show me how to use it. Let’s just hope they do not neglect their family in the process.

I never intended my writing to go this way but it did. It is almost 11:30pm and I could literally be up for three more hours if not more typing all I have to say but I have work tomorrow and an early start at that so I will have to wrap it up soon. Before I do, I want to say one thing that has been bothering me since I am on the topic of my father. While he never taught me to use a real camera, he certainly got me interested in photos and picture taking. I take tons of photos each year and then come the holiday time I order a years worth at once. Most things are digital but I always like to print out my favorites for a photo album or get the really good ones framed to hang around the house. I also do a lot of photo projects or print my photos up and frame them for others as holiday gifts. We are approaching the time of year when I normally order pictures. Perhaps that is why I have been thinking of my father so. I have to admit, looking back, it was so, so hard at times. From one album to the next it was as if I was reliving his deterioration right before my eyes. And then, then there came a point where he was just no longer a part of any more family memories.

My father may have not been the world’s best dad, but he was goofy and full of life- willing to be the butt of a joke if it made someone laugh or smile for a good photo. He would dance around and pull his ears, scratch his head and make monkey noises with the camera ready to click if he was photographing a child, patiently waiting for just the right moment to stop the head scratching and focus the lens. We went places- he laughed, was outspoken and made a complete spectacle of himself when he caught a big fish- another of his favorite hobbies. He was just full of life. Looking back at the photos and remembering the good times- it was hard. That is who he was. He died well before he should have and mixed in with all his photo equipment were doctor’s forms, information on liver transplants and test results showing nothing positive. While not perfect, my father was a good man and so full of life – that is until the very end. I wish I could remember him as such as so many others got to do but those are unfortunately not my last memories of him.

I remember the good times and laugh at the funny things like the time he locked himself in the shed and left 10 messages on the answering machine from his cell phone begging for someone to come outside and let him out- he was in the dark and couldn’t see a thing. I remember the time my brother painted his toe nails red when he fell asleep in the chair and did not tell him until we were out in public and my father had flip flops on. He was so embarrassed but went almost the whole summer with painted toenails for some reason. I remember the excitement and joy in his face when he had a “FISH ON” or how he would yell- “Come on blue eyes- wiggle your hips for me” when he thought he had a big fish on the hook. Sometimes it was seaweed and we would all laugh at him. There were the times when my brother put sea water in his drink or the time he put bait on my father’s sandwich. My father of course would get pissed, but he always let it go or like a little kid would wait until he thought you forgot and then play another prank on the other person in retaliation. Those are the things I would like to remember about him. Those are the things I do remember about him, but mostly, I remember how he suffered- I mean really suffered.

A man that was stocky and full of life went to skin and bones. A man that around this time last year was in the hospital for a collapsed lung, dehydration shortly after and then an endoscopy right before Thanksgiving which would pick up on a cancer diagnosis. Later that diagnosis threw him off the transplant list- even with a live donor volunteer. I remember a man that was taken to the hospital by ambulance in a hepatic coma- shaking, yellow and his eyes rolling back in his head. I remember a man that as the results of toxins building in his brain went from funny and full of life to nasty. I remember a man I had to carry up and down the stairs. I remember a man that I had to dress and then help out to the car – sometimes for 5 doctors appointments in one week. I remember a man that forgot my name, forgot how to write, stopped reading because he was too tired but I really think looking back, he forgot how. I remember him too weak to walk from one end of the room to the other and I remember watching him from afar as his spine stuck out from the back of his shirt.

I remember a man that was full of life and that I use to play baseball and football in the yard when I was a child that I now had to help off the toilet. I remember a man that I had to prepare meals for, force feed and bundle up because he has so little body fat he was always freezing. I remember a man that in the end had trouble breathing, a man that could not get comfortable for 5 minutes, a man that was in so much discomfort he asked me to put an end to it. I remember a man that slipped into a coma that I never got to say good bye to and I remember a man who turned yellow and jaundice but that has such bad circulation- his hands and feet were literally black. I remember thinking in his final moments I could warm them up by pulling linens off the cart and wrapping his hands and feet in towels and blankets thinking that would help matters. I remember a man that took his last breath and the tear the fell from the corner of his eye as I reached over to close his eyelids when he was no longer with us. That is not who I want to remember, but unfortunately, that is who I remember.

Perhaps it has to do with the timing of the year and where things are now compared to where they were last year. As the year draws to a close and each week passes, I have vivid memories of where my father’s health was one year ago. I remember what problem he was admitted to the hospital for this week, which doctor appointment I took him to that week and I have a feeling as the weeks draw closer, the memories and reminders will get worse and worse. If you start at the very beginning of my blog you will see how bad it was, why I started to write and that I feared his health was such that he would not be around much longer. I am pretty intuitive, but that is one thing I wish I did predict with such great accuracy.

I have so many memories- some good and some bad but mostly I wish I could forget the bad. I have not been to the cemetery since before his birthday in July. I am feeling a bit guilty about that and as Thanksgiving approaches, I feel I should go and see him but I know that I will break down in tears and it will be a bad scene. The week before Thanksgiving last year I took my father for a surprise visit to the cemetery to see his father, mother and brother. I brought roses from our yard that were somehow still in bloom and a box of tissues. I had to argue with my father to even get out of the house. He was at a state where he wanted to sleep all day and stay in his pajamas. I forced him to get dressed, refused to tell him where I was going until we got there and then handed him the roses and the tissues which I knew he would need unbeknown to him at the time. When we left, he thanked me for taking him there. He told me that I never ceased to surprise him and that he had made his peace with his family who he stopped visiting some years ago. Never did I think a year later I would be looking at those stray roses in the cold of November contemplating taking them to my father’s grave as I did for his father the year before.

Life can change on a dime. Be good to the people you love and never take the little things in life for granted. Make time for those you care most about and tell them you love them everyday so that when you are gone, they never have to wonder. That is the best advice I can offer on this late Tuesday evening. And with that, I bid you farewell.

Until I write again…….

Marriage, Weddings, Kids- Oh MY!

I originally wrote this back in the beginning of October. Time flies and life changes on a dime. I’m sure some of what happened here rings true and with respect to other areas of my life, I’m sure that I have gotten over things. Truth be told, I have to go back and read what I even wrote. Time permitting I will finish my thoughts or add relevant updates as I can. But whatever was going on in my head this early October morning I wrote about. As I promised when I originally started blogging- if it happens, I feel it, I go through it or I think it- I write about it. So here goes, my much belated blog entry originally written on October 2, 2010.
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                                                                                                        October 2, 2010

It has been a while since I last checked in. It is already October if you can believe that. This year has gone by so quickly. I don't even think I got a chance to write in the entire month of September which is odd. I normally try and check in at least once or twice a month with an update- and believe me you, there have been a lot of things going on.

I started my job back in the end of August. So far so good. I love my commute, I work with great people. I have a wonderful manager for the first time in years and I seem to be picking up rather quickly. It is very fast paced and stressful. Most days I go in early and stay late. The 24 year old manager (or one of them) is out the door like clockwork at 5pm. I am there until almost 6:30 or 7 some nights with the HR Director who has to remind me to go home. Truth be told, when you like what you do and you are constantly recognized for the hard work you put in by your managers, you kind of don't mind it so much. I know the work will be there when I get in the next day, but I really don't mind it. For the first time in a very long time I feel like I have a sense of purpose. I have something positive I can focus my energies into and I am noticing results so I feel as if I am being effective. In one month, I have hired well over 15 people. There are days my heart goes out to people when I hear their stories, their struggles to find work, the challenges life has thrown at them. I've been there and can totally relate which makes me all the more willing to go out of my way and get them back to work if I can. Of course there are some characters that I get bad vibes about or are just plain odd - like the guy that stood up and started grabbing his genitals during the interview. Then there are the ones that are just not cut out for this type or work or are using it as a paycheck until something better comes along. But for those that are hard workers, really want to be working again, that I get a sense are decent people that fell on hard times- I do my best to put them in a better place. Some days I feel like half interviewer and half therapist or motivational speaker, but so far I like what I am doing. Granted it has only been a month so we will see how things progress.

Last week my brother got married. It ended up being a good event but bitter sweet nonetheless. I took my father's thumbprint that I had put on a necklace and temporarily attached it to my grandmother's pearls that had been handed down to me. I wasn't sure how they would look together but it was something I had thought of doing for months and it actually looked pretty nice. It was more of a sentimental piece than anything to make a fashion statement with but I was pleased with the results. My brother wore his cuff links with my father's prints on them. It was a very, very emotional day for my brother and at points for all of us. My brother is 26 but well over 6 feet tall and a big boy. He goes around lifting cars, showing off his strength and acting tough all the time, but on his wedding day- he was nothing but tears. He cried during photos, he cried during the ceremony, he cried dancing with his wife, dancing with my mother and then his tears brought me to mine when I danced with him. There came a point when I had asked if he had his cuff links on and he told me yes and walked away in tears.

When it came time to dance with my mother, my brother had his head down on her shoulder. I could not tell if he was hugging her or not but when he turned around he was hysterical crying. As I watched them, I began to well up and from across the room, I saw my sister. We each ended up on opposite sides of the room with our cameras and each one of us had to put our cameras down to grab a tissue. The next morning my mother told me that while they were dancing my brother was telling her what a great mother she was. He thanked her for everything, told her he loved her and she was the best mom ever- better than all his friends’ mothers. He then began crying saying how he wished daddy was there to see him. Getting dressed was hard for my brother. My brother was trying not to deal with certain things but I think leading up to the wedding things came closer to the forefront and it all kind of hit him on his wedding day.

Originally my brother was to get dressed home and then meet his groomsmen at the reception hall for photos. Knowing it was emotional for him we had booked a room at the hotel adjacent to the reception hall and told him to use my mother's room to get dressed and have his groomsmen meet him there so he was not sitting home alone and upset. I wish I could have been there, but all the girls were busy getting hair and make up done. We had my brother in law take him out to play golf and distract him during the day and then he met up with the rest of his bridal party to get dressed at the hotel so he was not alone. My mother told me that getting dressed was very emotional for my brother. There came a time when he was putting his cuff links on and he had a break down. He was telling my mother all this while they were dancing. He ended up in the bathroom of the hotel on the floor hysterical crying talking to his cuff links. He said something to the effect of- I know you are not hear to see me but I am going to put you on me today so you can be with me anyway.

To tell you the truth, seeing my brother so emotional all day long had its toll on me as well. I tried not to think about it. I tried to pretend that our father was not there and be distracted by everything else that was going on, but it was hard at times. For some reason at 4am after I finally got all the make up off, hair pins out of my hair and had showered and finally got into bed- the days events just hit me all the sudden as I was saying my little prayers before bed. I found myself hysterical crying as well. My boyfriend had just fallen asleep and there really was no place to go in the room and be quiet about it, so I quietly got up and went into the bathroom and closed the door. I sat on the floor on a bathmat in the dark with a roll of toilet paper beside me as tissues and just cried and cried and cried. The thought of my brother so upset- the thought of my father not being there- the thought of how times had changed and while it feels like it had been so long ago, it really is still pretty recent. When my father was alive, I cried every night and prayed every night how it would mean the world to me (and to my brother) if my father could just hang in there until my brother got married. Even if he had hung in there, I have a feeling that my father would have been extremely frail and sick by that point, but I still wanted him there- we all did. Unfortunately as my father got sicker and sicker, my prayers turned to ones of not making him suffer any more and that the powers that be take him quickly instead of prolonging the inevitable or on the flip side that a true miracle happen. It turns out he was taken much sooner than we all would have liked. While he was not there physically, I know he was there in spirit. It was a very rough time for us all.

My uncle made sure to walk my mother down the aisle, dance with her and enter the room with her so she was not feeling alone all day as everyone else had someone but her. My mother looked beautiful but ended up with a brown dress. It was stunning but never a color she would normally buy. She commented how she looked so good in her brown dress and my father was not even there to see it- he loved brown for some reason and just knew he would have loved her in that dress. And as for me, I have to give kudos to my man. He heard me crying on the bathroom floor at 4am and came in and sat on the cold bathroom floor with me. He even told me if I was upset I did not need to hide in the bathroom and I could go lie in the bed because if I was upset or needed to talk, he was there for me. He really is a wonderful, wonderful person and this spoke volumes for me. My ex would have begun yelling at me and would have never understood. He was and I guess still is such an ass- the ex that is.

Speaking of ex's, I called my lawyer again- twice this week to be accurate. It appears nothing has been done since May. Supposedly my papers are to be filed in the courts next Tuesday. She told me that about a month and a half ago and then again back in June. This is complete and utter bullshit at this point. And to top it all off, she told me it may be another 12 weeks or so. For her sake, I am hoping she told me longer than it may actually take to be on the safe side, but still- this is just ridiculous. I am seriously considering reporting her to the Barr Association or taking her to small claims court or something. Can you sue your own attorney for being an idiot, not doing what you paid them for and then taking their sweet ass time not doing it? When she asked for more money, that check was cashed inside a week but to do her job submit two pieces of paper signed by us both to the courts takes her well over 5 months- actually going on more like 6 or 7 at this point. I'm just at a loss.

It is kind of ironic how life works out sometimes. I have completely moved on- we have been separated for well over a year and a half and he doesn't even live in the same state anymore. I just want it to be official so I can move on. It appears he has people tracking him down and I'm not sure how they get the house number but they are always leaving nasty messages for him on my mother's answering machine. I just don't want any of that coming back to haunt me at a later date. If he was a normal person that was ethical and moral and we just had our differences, perhaps that would be different and I would not be so anxious to have it over and done with, but being who he is, I always feel like I have to cover myself or look over my shoulder to see what bad fortune he will bring my way.

Things are still in limbo with the ex, yet things are going strong with my new man. They are progressing rapidly and to be honest, I am not sure how I feel about certain things. Like I said, so much has happened, but with the wedding and trying to get adjusted to a new work schedule, I have not had time to write about them. Towards the end of August, my boyfriend asked me to please go to New Jersey with him for some housewarming party one of his co-workers was having. Of course we got stuck in traffic the entire way which gave us a lot of time to talk. My boyfriend is a wonderful person- very thoughtful, caring and supportive beyond belief but from time to time he just randomly comes out with things that don't always flow with the current topic of conversation. Normally they are topics on his mind and some of them a bit more on the serious side that he wished to discuss. I joke with him every now and then that he has ADD.

Anyway, we are stuck in traffic and out of nowhere he mumbles that he would like me to move in with him and he was thinking about it for a while now. I guess he was trying to feel me out on the topic. I was an "initial conversation" if you will just to introduce the topic and see how I felt and if that was something I would ever even consider. He was curious to see if I would consider it, if I could see myself living at his place and if I had enough space for my belongings or if he thought we might need someplace bigger. He was feeling me out on the finances and what I would be comfortable with and when I might be ready. As it was a preliminary conversation and not a formal invitation- I just went with it. I think we saw eye to eye on the financial aspects of things. As for timing- well I had just started my job at that point. I wanted to make sure I liked them, they liked me, I passed my probationary period, I got on the company benefits. etc... I explained that that would be a few months away at the very least. And not that I think I told him this, but going into the holiday season, I did not feel it would be a good time to leave my mother alone. I know I can't be everything for her but I can be there for her during a rough transitionary period in her life. And if I am waiting past the holiday, I may as well wait a few more weeks. My mother's birthday is January 13th and I have a feeling next year will be a rough one for her since technically that is the day my father passed away. She has already decided she will never again celebrate her birthday and I know it will be a very rough and emotional time for her and I think I should be there the best I can.

All in all, I am not sure how we left off, but I think at that moment, I bought myself a few months at the least. I do have to say though, the next day, I woke up thinking about it and I was extremely anxious over the idea. I mean I knew it would happen at some point and I thought I wanted that, but I did not really anticipate it coming up that soon. My first priority really was to ensure things were going well at work, but he got me thinking. I hate moving and he is in a temporary place right now while he is renting out his house and figuring out his next step. His apartment has a lot of closet space but it is still all his stuff and there is really no room for any of my belongings with the exception of my clothing. Part of me feels like I would be going from one temporary housing arrangement to the next and I am not sure how I feel about that. I want to feel like I belong somewhere, that I have something to call my own, that it is homey. And then there is the matter of living with someone that may move again in May when he decides what he wants to do with his house or rental property. Moving sucks and it is very stressful and I certainly don't need to add any more of that to my life right now. Anyway, it was a preliminary conversation so nothing needed to be decided just yet.

A few short weeks later, we took a trip into Brooklyn where we walked the Brooklyn Bridge. It was a beautiful day and we had lunch outdoors and another ADD topic came up. We were eating lunch and he wanted to know if it would be weird for me to be engaged if my divorce was not finalized in 2 years. My first reaction was- "It better not take that long!" I of course was talking about my divorce being finalized while he thought I was talking about a marriage proposal. Some days I think I know where his head is at and others I have no clue where his head is at or the sense of timing he is aiming for. I took my time and was cautious before getting married and a lot of good that did me. He on the other hand rushed things and that turned out to be a mistake as well. I guess we need to meet somewhere in the middle, but I have to admit I am a bit confused lately. Probably not what he wants to hear, but it is the truth.

Long story short on this topic, he beat around the bush for quite some time until finally I just looked at him and said, just come out and ask me what you want to ask me or tell me what you want to know......and so he did. He wanted to know if I could ever see myself getting married again. He wanted to know if I wanted to have kids. He told me that he saw things progressing to the point where he could potentially see us getting married and he was afraid that if he had asked me, I might say no to him. Of course he was not proposing at that moment, nor was I ready to have this conversation seriously, but I answered the best I could.

I told him that there was a time when I saw myself having kids but now I feel like I have reached a point in my life where I have made peace with it and am kind of on the fence. There is the part of me that realizes it would be life altering. I never planned on having kids this late in life. Then there is the part of me that loves kids and feels that if given the choice to be a parent or not to parent, I may one day look back and regret that I did not take that path when I had the chance. I also explained to him that while I may see myself getting married one day, I am in no rush. After coming from where I have come from and going through what I have gone through, I am in no rush to get married again. Should I accidentally become pregnant, I would not get married as a result because it seems like the “right” thing to do if under different circumstances I would not have gone down that road and considered marrying that person otherwise. Ideally you start out with the concept of married couple and children but nothing in my life thus far has been traditional so why should this be.

There is the part of me that feels a bit pressured to have kids because of my age but I don’t have that pressure or urge to get married right now. Perhaps because I have been down that road before. Had I never been married, then maybe I would feel as if I were missing out on something. Maybe I feel as if that door was closed and I have to mentally prepare myself to open it again. But the truth be told, and I let him know it as well- I am afraid. I feel like I failed. I feel like I failed in marriage, some days I feel like I failed in life. I am afraid to fail again. I know that my circumstances were somewhat out of my control, but nonetheless, I feel as if I was a failure at marriage. It was supposed to be a beautiful thing that lasted for years to come. I thought I was entering a partnership and that we would work together to accomplish great things in life and it was everything but that. I suppose if I found the right person and they were completely wonderful, then maybe, but they had better be pretty damn special. I also explained to him that you can’t change people no matter how hard you try or how much you feel you will be the exception to the rule so going into a situation, I need to know a person’s flaws and shortcomings and feel that I can deal with them for the long haul.

I think all in all, that day back in September, I left off that I was open to kids but had also come to a place where I did not think it would ever be and so I would need to see where life takes me. As for marriage- I guess I would have to see where life takes me on that one too. I am in no rush. While there was a point in time I thought anyone who got married was ruining their lives but didn’t know it yet, I realize know it doesn’t have to be that way. I think it will just take that someone incredibly special to make me reevaluate things. In the meantime I am not looking to run before I have figured out how to walk. My boyfriend sees good things in our future and I suppose so do I, but only time will tell where things are meant to lead. In the meantime I am content but have to say as these topics came up much sooner in the relationship than I ever imagined, I was a bit freaked out by the whole thing. But as I am open with my thoughts and feelings, I don’t hold back. Unless I am excruciatingly uncomfortable talking about a topic, I will entertain most topics freely. It may just take me some mental getting used to certain ideas to really open up.

I think will end here for now. To be continued when I have some more time.

Until I write again……