Seriously

Right about now I am too mentally drained to even think about writing, but there are a few things I feel the need to get off my chest. Let me start out by saying there is never a dull moment or lack of stress in my life.

I went to the doctor a few weeks ago for a routine visit and to discuss an issue I was having which we never even really got to. I am not a fan of doctors and would normally take the “if I can deal with it- no need to waste a trip to the doctor until it gets worse” approach but after watching what my father went through and being convinced that if he had listened to the doctors sooner, he would still be here today. Some things may not have been preventable, or maybe they would have. The cancer at the end was a fluke thing, but maybe that was caused by all the nasty fluid built up in his system from the water retention from the liver failing and him not wanting to take his diuretics as directed because they interfered with his work day. Stupid man put his job before his health and look where that got him. Anyway, the point I was making before I went off on a tangent was that I am now rethinking the wait until it gets too bad approach with the doctors in an attempt not to end up like my father. And for those not following my blog from the beginning- the cancer was a bonus. Liver failure and multi-organ failure at the end along with an infection in his abdomen that spread to his entire body are what they are calling the official cause of death, but make no mistake about it- he suffered, and I do mean suffered until the very end.

So two weeks ago I go to the doctor for an issue I am having with this crap birth control he puts me on and he ends up telling me that my blood pressure is high. He makes it sound like I am going to walk down the street and have a stroke or something. And yes, I admit, it was a bit high but now I am like a hypochondriac and take the blood pressure machine I used to use on my father and check myself like 100 times a day. (OK- maybe not 100, but probably close to 5-10) For the most part it is completely normal but I went to my regular doctor just in case and he was not concerned. He told me we would check it periodically and to come back in a few months. (Of course I still check it 10 times a day)

Well two weeks later, the original doctor called back to say that a routine test he performed was abnormal and now he wants me to come in for some special test and possibly a biopsy if he does not like what he finds. Let me say that I know this doctor only calls with bad news and he called last Thursday but never called back and then was out until today so I spend the entire weekend worrying, crying, depressed, anxious and naturally thinking the worst. Today I spoke with someone in his office and they confirmed my worry and I now have an appointment in the next few weeks to see what else is going wrong.

I have to say that I am completely freaked out. I totally take care of myself, make every effort to eat healthy, I even get up early in the morning to fit exercise into my day before going to work. Up until it got cold, I had been walking about 5 miles a day on top of my normal routine. For my blood pressure to be elevated is troublesome to me, but now other issues and biopsy. Problems be what they may, but I always prided myself on “at least I have my health” and right about now I am starting to questions if I have taken that for granted for far too long.

I finally feel like I started to see a light at the end of the tunnel. “You are my sun, my moon, my stars…….I hope this ring brings some light into your life and helps you to see the rainbow” – or something similar- that was the part of my proposal I had forgotten and I can tell you he is very much my rainbow. He has brought sunshine into my life on my darkest days. I went through a divorce and never did I think I would find love again… I mean real love. I have the most WONDERFUL man in my life and now this? I found a job and I love the people I work with and am doing so well- they love me over there. The pay may suck but I like what I am doing, I am learning and growing each day and I even went back to school to advance myself further. Sure school is challenging and it is kicking my ass, but I am determined to triumph….and I will. I made plans to move out of my mother’s house and while I am not sure she is ready and I worry about her immensely, it is good for me and it is what I need to do. It is time for me to spread my wings and fly and that is exactly what I am trying to do. Little by little my life is moving in a good direction, my rainbow is forming so what the hell is with this giant cloud that is trying to over shadow all the goodness that is becoming of my life?

It wasn’t really the plan, more of a last minute thing, but this weekend I took stuff out of my storage unit. It had been there for almost 2 years and we dragged it over to my fiancées house where I started to unpack it and put it away. At first I was hesitant, but I did it. I have to say it was bitter sweet. The moment I had been waiting for for years, yet I kept having all sorts of troubling thoughts. I knew the stuff would be there for quiet some time so I made every attempt to pack it as best I could. It was partly exciting to see the stuff still in good condition and all the nice things I had, but I was having flashbacks to the moments I had to pack it all up. The unpacking was for a happier reason, but there was the “what if I am sick” thought running through my head. I cried as I unwrapped things and put them into cabinets thinking what if I am sick and have to pack it all up again. Then I was thinking maybe I should just stop unpacking and leave it in storage until I get a clean bill of health. My fiancée is such a wonderful person and he does not deserve this. He can go on to live a long life and find someone else who is healthy and makes him happy. It is not right of me to burden him with my issues any more than I already have.

I don’t want to be sick, but I also don’t want to burden anyone else with my health issues. I took care of my father. I watched him basically wither away and die before my very eyes and it was so sad knowing there was nothing I could do to help him. I took care of him and dealt with a lot of his personal effects towards the end. I drove him to doctor appointment after doctor appointment. I prepared his meds, helped dress him, ran his errands, helped him get up and down from the toilet. I spent night after night awake, worrying and listening to make sure he did not fall down the stairs, throw up blood, pass out or loose his balance and fall down. Week after week of that got tiring, draining and was extremely emotional. I don’t want to put anyone through that.

I don’t know- perhaps my mind and troubling thoughts are getting the best of me, but I feel like I shouldn’t be making any permanent plans or move any of my stuff until I know for sure I am healthy. I also am so sorry that I may have to potentially put people through this. My family can’t take another person with a disease or illness. I have been fighting the good fight for years now and seriously something has to give. Forget everyone else…. I can’t take any more. I just feel bad because no one signs up for this. I keep giving the fiancée an out. Things are still relatively new and he is under no obligation and I would completely understand and not hold it against him.

I think about how if I needed to take time off for health reason, I would not even qualify for a FMLA leave as you need to be with a company for a year which I am not. I would lose my job and my health insurance to boot. Well I could always pick up COBRA, but it would cost me a fortune and with no income coming in and no guarantees of what the future may bring I may be up the creek without a battle. I hate to burden my mother, but her expenses would not go up much as she has technically been supporting me while I was unemployed and I am already hear so maybe it would be best to tough it out a bit longer.

I don’t know….all I know is that I hope I am healthy and it is all a big misunderstanding but I am worried to death in the meantime. I have to go with my fiancée to a memorial service for his grandfather that just passed this weekend and even though I only met the man once, I know I will have flashbacks to my father’s service and the troubling thoughts of what my own fate may be. Until I know for sure, I am sick to my stomach with worry and losing sleep at night.

And you think my father would be looking out for his family but after what I learned today, he is probably too busy rolling over in his grave to be concerned with anyone else. It turns out that my mom got a call from a bill collector today. It would appear that my ex who I thought I was officially done with, has been taking out loans and putting my father as the co-signer. In case you are new to my blog- my ex is a compulsive liar and con artist and my father passed away last year so I highly doubt he was taking out any loans. I mean I always knew my ex was the scum of the Earth, but I think this one takes the cake. I hate to wish bad things on people, but if he died tomorrow I would bring balloons in celebration to his funeral. Then after I got done celebrating the end of his existence on this Planet, I would spit on his grave.


So as if I do not have enough to worry about, I will not go on to spend the remainder of my evening looking into credit guards and social security number protection. I know that my ex has my social somewhere, but the fact that the lawyer had it listed on the divorce documents which he just received a copy of last week has me feeling very uneasy. It is just fucked up that I have to worry about my life and my health and I worry about burdening others with my troubles, and that piece of shit walks the Earth with no conscience in the world and he keeps stooping lower and lower and creating havoc for everyone that has ever been in his path even when you thought you were finally rid of that vermin.


Until I write again……