Well, I finally did it- I bit the bullet, put all my fears and worries aside and I signed up for school on Saturdays. The process leading up to it literally had me sick to my stomach with worries, stress, anxiety and self doubt. The course I am taking will hopefully prepare me well for an industry wide exam and certification. The certification exam needs to be signed up for separately and will cost me another $300 to register for which is part of the anxiety I was having. All I could think at the time I was debating registering for the class was “what if I fail the exam and all this was for nothing?”
Truth be told, I have been debating for almost 2 years now what to do with my life ever since I was laid off from my job of 10 years back in April of 2009. I looked into so many options and even looked into a Master’s program that I was considering when someone in the industry told me that this course or certification rather would probably make me more well rounded and knowledgeable than half the people with a Masters or actual on the job experience. I think it is becoming somewhat of an industry standard from the best I can tell. Anyway- I looked into getting this certification and then toyed with a Master’s degree instead but each time something prevented me from going forward. I had to put a lot on hold the past few years with my father being so sick and being so intimately involved in his care. Around the time I was to register for the Master’s program my father’s health started to decline rapidly. I figured at that point I would go for the certification instead as it was cheaper and probably easier and quicker to attain. Around the time I started researching that, my father had passed away. I took some time to get my head on straight and when it came time to looking into this once again, I ended up with a job in a completely unrelated field. At that point, I figured it did not make sense. Well unbeknown to me at the time, that job was short lived as they went out of business two short months later after the Feds shut them down for embezzling funds from their clients.
So there I was- once again starting over. While the job was short lived, they did send me to sales school twice a week and I have to say I learned a lot and still use some of the principles they taught me to this day and I am glad I had the experience. But it also taught me what type of job I did not want and brought me back to focusing on my original plan, looking for work once again and researching certification to advance me in the right direction. In August of last year I started another job- on the corporate side of HR and recruiting which I was lucky to land. It is not my dream job but at least it gets me the corporate experience I lacked on the agency side that was holding me back. I knew there was an exam coming up that I could have prepared for in December of last year, but with the holidays and trying to get situated in a new job, it just would have been too hectic.
During the month of December it had been very slow at work and there were points where I was going out of my mind with boredom so one day I was surfing the net to see if there were any courses in the area that would help me advance to a better opportunity down the line and the first that came up was a college 5 minutes from where I work. Call me crazy, but there is big part of me that thinks that things happen for a reason in life and that it was not by accident that I stumbled upon this course. So for the next two weeks, I debated, got my nerves up and kept coming up with reason after reason why it was not the right time and too many other things were going on in my life simultaneously. But someone pointed out that there is never going to be a right time, I need to stop doubting myself and then I realized that I had been playing around with the idea for almost 2 years now and I decided bad timing or not, I need to make it happen. So this week despite a major obstacle or two or three, I got myself registered and when I arrived home from work today there were my registration papers and instructions for the first day of class. I go in on Tuesday to pick up all my books and training modules. At this point, the entire World better pray for me that I learn so much, the material comes easily to me, I made the right decision and that when I register for the industry exam, that I actually pass it. Oh yeah, and you might as well also pray that this springboards me to bigger and better. While knowledge is power, let hope in this case it is also the key to a better position and hopefully a much bigger paycheck in the near future.
My first class is next Saturday and I can honestly so that I am so nervous. I have not been a college student in over 13 year and while I thought at first I would go to class, take notes and take a test; something tells me it is going to be much more labor intensive than that. I am going to have to get up at the butt crack of dawn to get there, read and study all week and then to bed early for me on Friday nights. The worst part is that we got my mom tickets for her birthday to see a play in New York City and to catch the train and get there in time, I have to leave the first class an hour early. I hate to start off like that and I certainly hate to spend money for something I am not getting. Hopefully all the training modules and online side of things will make up for the difference. I got my logins for the online portion in the mail today so maybe I will poke around with it a bit this weekend.
So……what else is new since I am now writing on a whim? Well yesterday was my mom’s birthday and to be honest, it was really pretty good. I thought since it was on the anniversary of my father’s death that it would not be a good day for her, but I think everyone did their best to make her feel special. She was in a surprisingly good mood the other day. The day started with my boyfriend and I giving her the play tickets which she was excited to receive. Then she went to work where they treated her to lunch and all got her gifts. Afterwards, we all went to dinner, sang to her and she came home to flowers my sister had delivered. All in all, I was stressing for weeks on her behalf but she took it better than expected. She has a great attitude this year and is determine to get out and about and make it a great year. To tell you the truth, I am very happy for her. She has her moments as we all do, but I think she is going to be OK. It took her almost a full year to the day, but I think she is finally ready to move on and do things with her life instead of sitting home feeling sorry for herself which is a big part of what she did last year. She is starting to host all the usual holidays and parties that she had in the past. She is excited for the arrival of her first grandchild and all seems right in her world. She is convinced I will be getting married this year as well, but I don’t know I would go that far.
As for me, I got over the initial shock, disappointment, should have been me in a former life factor and am also starting to get somewhat excited that there will be a little kid in the family. (Now we just need to convince my sister-in-law that she really should start thinking of more normal names so the poor kid does not get beaten and made fun of on the playground at school.) I know he is looking down, but I wish my father were here to see his first grandchild be born. He would have been so proud. Speaking of my father, I am trying my best to not get upset and so far, I have been doing surprisingly well. Today is the one year anniversary of my father’s passing. A year has gone by, yet I remember it like it were yesterday. I just hope he is proud of the family, how far we have all come and that he provides that educational miracle I need to do well in school and pass my exam. I also hope he pulls out any favors he’s owed up there to help lead me to that “bigger and better” I am so desperately looking for.
OK… I do feel I need to change the topic now because while I was doing great, the thought of him not here and missing out on all the good that is in store for his family in the years to come has me starting to sport a tear. Now not that this is unrelated per say, but one of the things that had me contemplating the timing of school was that it coincided with the Liver Life Walk that I signed up for last year. I just decided that I would do my best. I think this weekend I will register my team and if people want to join they can- if not, then so be it. I want to make it fun and not be a slave driver as I was accused of being last year. And honestly, with school and work driving me nuts lately, I don’t think I will have the time to put in the effort that I had hoped to. But because I said I would do it- I will. Once I get all set up, I will post the link and I hope that anyone in cyberspace reading this will be gracious enough to donate $5 or so. Every little bit counts and as the disease my father died from is apparently hereditary; I am not only doing it in his memory, but to save lives….maybe even my own or a siblings.
In other news, I went ice skating with my boyfriend last weekend. Speaking of anniversaries and a year ago, it was also the one year anniversary of when we met while ice skating one cold January evening. I looked dreadful and just needed to get out after having a week of really bad news with my dad. Little did I know I would meet someone wonderful and have them still in my life one year later. Ironically, on the one year anniversary of our meeting, we sat down at night to go over that big bad scary budget. It wasn’t planned that way but interesting timing nonetheless.
Right about now he is going over different scenarios and options for living arrangements- some include me, some don’t- who knows. All I know is that he needs to make a decision before I decide what my next move is going to be. I’m sure he does not like that idea since he probably assumed January would come and I would be ready to move in somewhere with him, but I have no intention of moving my stuff just to box it up and move it again a month or two later. Now if I have to take what I can fit temporarily and leave stuff behind, then so be it, but not to move and then move again. If I am going to go through the effort, I at least want it to be for a reasonable length of time. So while I sit pretty, he has to figure out his options, I have to figure out mine. In the meantime, there is the part of me that is still worrying about my mom living alone in such a big house with so much property that requires way more maintenance and upkeep then she is capable of on her own. Now for that problem I did come up with a plan, but it does not seem to be ideal for the people involved so we will see how time and events play out in the coming months.
My brother and sister-in-law are in a tiny apartment, not even a tub to wash a baby and not an inch of room for one baby item. I proposed to my brother that he should seriously consider moving in with my mom. While not ideal, there is a room for them, another room for the baby, a basement and attic for storage and while my mom would be able to help out with childcare, my brother would be able to help out with the house. And in this plan, I can move out and not have to worry for a year or so who is going to help my mom out with the house. So that is my plan, but something tells me that I may still be here for a while.
I think that is about all she wrote for tonight. As new things unfold and time permits, I will fill you in on my life and all the happenings. In the meantime, it is crazy at work and while nothing would make me happier than to enjoy a nice peaceful weekend to myself, I brought work home with me :(.
Until I write again……..
Friday, January 14, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Completely Shocked and Unexpected Emotions
Well Happy New Year everyone! My New Years Eve took a bit of an unexpected turn. I heard a song that my father danced to my sister with at her wedding and I needed to leave the room because I had to hold back my tears. Of course in the bathroom you could hear the song anyway so leaving the room did not really serve to fix anything. From that point on, I have to admit I was a bit upset and not into the New Years spirit. I stepped away to call my mom a bit after midnight and unexpectedly found myself upset. It dawned on me that this was probably the first New Years of my life that I was not with my parents. And it was the first ever that my father was not even around to wish a Happy New Years to.
The next day I have to admit I was feeling a bit melancholy. I am not quite sure why and never did figure it out. I suppose sometimes it just happens. As I probably mentioned almost a year ago- I hate New Years. For some reason it depressed me every year- looking back at what I have not done in life, where the year ahead will take me. Not really sure why I let it get to me, but I do….and every year. For some reason I felt as if I had nothing meaningful or exciting to look forward to. I did make a lot of progress last year despite all the bad and unexpected turn of events that took place in 2010, but for some reason, I never went into this year with a list of things I wanted to strive for or try and make happen.
Then there is the fact that next week will mark the one year anniversary of the death of my father. I sat by his bedside and watched him literally die right before my eyes. I removed the pulse ox and oxygen from his nose and reached my hand over his forehead and as I dragged my hands down his face, I closed his eyelids so he could rest in peace. Never, ever did I think I would be the one to close my father’s eyes when he passed away. It was almost a year ago and yet I remember it vividly as if it just happened yesterday. I try and think that time has passed and time heals all wounds but I have no idea what kind of state I will be in next week.
The other day I was driving to work and I heard a song on the radio. I had never heard it before and don’t even know what it is called but the lyrics said something to the effect that a “father’s love never dies. Even though I may not be here my love never dies and I will see you through the times in your life.” All I know is that I started out in a good mood but unexpectedly found myself crying on my drive to work. But if that is not enough, I think the real shocking news came about an hour ago.
I had just gotten home from a chiropractors appointment. They think I have herniated disks in my neck and may want to send me for an MRI. Of course I am calculating in my head how much the test will cost me after unexpectedly having to get tires on my car last week for another $600. Anyway….. I went off on a tangent but the original point was that I had just gotten home and barely had my coat off when the phone rang. I saw on the caller ID that it was my brother so I picked up when normally I would have let it go to the machine. He asked where my mother was and I told him that I had just gotten home and sometimes on Tuesdays she goes to her Weight Watchers meeting. The next thing out of his mouth was, “you better call and tell her when she leaves there she had better go to Kids R Us because my woman is having a baby.” Naturally I thought it was a joke but it turns out it was not.
To be honest, for a woman with so many words, I just stood there holding the phone with a blank, shocked look on my face and not knowing what to say or how to react. I could not tell if this was a good thing for them or something unexpected so I kind of played it by ear for a bit. It turns out they are both ecstatic. My brother of course thinks he is Mr. Super Sperm and bragging about what a good job he did. I think after my father died, he realized life was short and wanted to have kids even prior to getting married in September but his wife or then “wife to be” wanted to at least wait until the nuptials were over with. The family was all taking bets on how soon it would be and my brother joked they were trying on their honeymoon, but I really thought they were kidding. I guess not!
So my baby brother is going to be a father. I have to admit that the reaction I had when I got off the phone was somewhat mixed. At first I said- “OH shit, I just bought them a shower gift, forked over money for a wedding present and now I have to start buying baby gifts…. What’s up with that?” After that reaction, I just felt numb inside. Part of me for some reason felt very sad and the first thing that came to my mind was that I had to write and figure out why I am so numb. To tell you the truth, part or me is upset- like really upset and I have no idea why I feel the way that I do right now. I should be happy for him- for them, but instead I find myself feeling very sorry for myself right now.
I remember a few years back when my younger sister called to tell me that she had just bought a house out in Las Vegas. I remember I had the same reaction. I held back my emotions on the phone, told her a big congratulations and tried my hardest to sound like I meant it and then when I got off the phone, I fell apart. At the time I was going through some really rough patches in my marriage. I was working like crazy to make ends meet, save for a better life and it just hit me like a dull knife right through the heart. At the time I remember thinking that I was the oldest and as such, I just assumed that I would be the one to have the house first and then the kids. Well 4 years later my life started to unravel, but at the time I was upset that my life was going backwards or at a stand still while everyone else’s was going forward.
Today, I am having a similar reaction I suppose. I will be 35 this April and while I am dreading that I am getting closer and closer to being 40, I had all but dismissed the idea of children. I had it in my head for a long time that if I hit 34 and did not have kids, I never would. And last year I hit that milestone and so I guess I mentally started to dismiss that idea. I am in the process of trying to figure out my life, looking into starting some college and career related courses as early as 2 weeks from now and find myself going into my 35th year re-inventing the wheel if you will. My boyfriend brings up the idea of kids and I suppose I have not completely closed the door on that, but it is not exactly wide open either. There is a big part of me that is not so sure I want to have kids at this age or any other year that puts me closer to 40 for that matter. There is the part of me that says life did not take you where you expected it to go and now should be about me- about friends, experiencing all that life has to offer, about travel and about focusing and building a second phase of my career. Kids don’t exactly fit into that equation.
So tell me…..then why is it that I feel the way I do? Why when I have all but dismissed the idea of ever having children do I feel upset or almost jealous if you will? I really am not even sure what the emotion is that I am feeling right now. Maybe deep down I still want kids and the pretending I don’t is a defense mechanism of mine so that when it doesn’t happen I will not be disappointed or upset over it. Maybe I really don’t want kids but there is the part of me that feels I am the oldest and just as I thought I would have the house before my sister, I am now thinking I should have had the kids before my brother who is younger by 8 years. And then maybe there is the part of me that knew how badly I wanted that at one point in my life and it is just a reminder of how everyone moves forward and I go backwards, stand still or have to constantly start from scratch.
The messed up part- my mother already sort of knew. My brother and his wife just went to the doctor tonight to find out for sure, but apparently she took 5 pregnancy tests at home- all positive and that came out to my mother a few weeks ago. It turns out that my mother told me that my sister in law was afraid to tell me because she did not know how I would react to the news knowing that I had always wanted kids very badly in a former lifetime. And then there is my mother…. happy as can be- grinning from ear to ear. She has already started to collect hand me downs for the baby and unused items and even came home with a brand new diaper bag this evening for “the baby”. The only thing my mother ever cared about was kids or grandkids I should say. When I turned 30 or so, she all but told me what a disappointment I was to her because I was not reproducing. Even my father before he passed expressed how I was the oldest and should have had kids so he could have been a grandfather before he passed away. Perhaps they did not mean it, but they always made me feel like a failure and a disappointment to them both. And while I know that I am far too old to sit there playing who is mommy’s favorite…. We all know who the “special one” is now. With the prospect of a new baby – my brother and his new bride have just move front and center and have been placed on a very high pedestal. From this point on, my life will be hell. Everything will be about them and the baby and the rest of the family might as well fall off the face of the planet because nothing they do will ever compare to the great accomplishment of my brother and his “super sperm”!
I know, I know- I am being silly but right now, I am more upset than I ever anticipated. Maybe because I was taken off guard with this news and figured it would be a few more months at least. Perhaps it is the fact that the year got started and I am once again lacking in direction and uncertain of what lies on the road ahead. Or maybe it is just because the timing of everything along with a significant and difficult time coming up in my life next week marking my father’s death and in combination they have me all emotional from the get go.
And yes, I know I have issues. I try my best to stay positive and focus on the good things going for me in my life, but every now and then you have one of those days when the pity party parade comes marching in so fast and furious that it is virtually impossible to ignore. But when it all comes down to it, at least I admit I have issue which is more than I can say for some people. I grew up in an environment where nothing I ever did seemed good enough and my father always told me I was wasting my time on this or that and never really understood me and so I go through life even after he has passed feeling as if I have something to prove. My mother made me feel time and time again that I failed her and came right out and told me how upset she was by the fact I did not have kids and so that news of my brother having a baby (well, his wife) has me sitting in my bed crying and typing trying to figure out just why I am so upset by the news. And why is it that everyone predicted in advance that I would react this way when I never even would have anticipated reacting this way and who knows me better than me?
After hearing the news and then my mother rubbing it in as she proudly showed off the new diaper bag she came home with, she asked if I was OK and what I thought of the news. I just didn’t really say anything at first and then she immediately told me to stop being upset and that my day would come. Well I doubt that, but after reassuring me that I did not have to be upset because I never had kids, she went on to tell me that I was always so ungrateful and not ever really happy with anything in my life. Well isn’t that the way to cheer me up?
Anyway- that is my story for today and I am sticking to it. I’m sure as the months go on, you will hear more about the progress of the newest addition to the family, how 2011 is treating me and any progress I have made in life.
I should probably end here, but while I am writing anyway, I might as well say that last year I decided that I would do the Liver Life Walk in memory of my father and in an effort to raise funds to help others with his disease – it was so much work that I am having second thoughts but I know that I can not. Last year there was a bit of the sympathy card playing in my favor, but others that said they would initially get involved told me that they wanted no part of it when push came to shove. My own brother refused at one point and told me I was annoying and wasting everyone’s time.
Normally I would have liked to have gotten my page up and running and registered the team, but time is already ticking away and I am wondering why I should put so much effort into a project that I am told I am stupid for doing. And yes- I was called “stupid” for doing it. I did have some wonderful and supportive people on my side- mostly friends and my boyfriend, but my own family was for shit. I met with such resistance last year that it makes me so reluctant to do it all over again, but I will because I said I would and I am a person of my word. I know that last year it was too much or too emotional for people to get involved- perhaps it was my fault for not realizing it at the time. Part of me hopes this year will be different, but I doubt it. Oh well- just thought I would through it out there while I was busy being upset about everything else. I figured that I might as well get it out of my system all at once. I plan to set up my walk page in the next few weeks and attempt to recruit a team, but if it is just me and a small handful of people this year- so be it. I am not being the slave driver that I was accused of being last year and I am certainly not going to stress myself out over it. Even if I raise $500 which at this point I doubt it even possible and a sheer embarrassment after the team raised over $10,000 last year, I suppose it will be more money than the American Liver Foundation will have had had I not initiated a team.
And last but not least, no one is hoping more than me that my divorce will be made official relatively soon, but this weekend I got an e-mail from the ex asking why this is taking so long. There are things he apparently needs to do and can’t until it is official and now I am holding him up. Oh, and then he wanted to know if I would be keeping his name or changing it. All I have to say is what the hell difference is it to him and after harassing me for months and months- now I am holding him up from moving on with his life. I just hope the piece of crap gets eaten by an alligator down in the sunshine state. What a piece of work he is.
Well there you have it- all the gossip, emotion and updating that is fit to be written. I am going to call it a night now. As always….until I write again…….
The next day I have to admit I was feeling a bit melancholy. I am not quite sure why and never did figure it out. I suppose sometimes it just happens. As I probably mentioned almost a year ago- I hate New Years. For some reason it depressed me every year- looking back at what I have not done in life, where the year ahead will take me. Not really sure why I let it get to me, but I do….and every year. For some reason I felt as if I had nothing meaningful or exciting to look forward to. I did make a lot of progress last year despite all the bad and unexpected turn of events that took place in 2010, but for some reason, I never went into this year with a list of things I wanted to strive for or try and make happen.
Then there is the fact that next week will mark the one year anniversary of the death of my father. I sat by his bedside and watched him literally die right before my eyes. I removed the pulse ox and oxygen from his nose and reached my hand over his forehead and as I dragged my hands down his face, I closed his eyelids so he could rest in peace. Never, ever did I think I would be the one to close my father’s eyes when he passed away. It was almost a year ago and yet I remember it vividly as if it just happened yesterday. I try and think that time has passed and time heals all wounds but I have no idea what kind of state I will be in next week.
The other day I was driving to work and I heard a song on the radio. I had never heard it before and don’t even know what it is called but the lyrics said something to the effect that a “father’s love never dies. Even though I may not be here my love never dies and I will see you through the times in your life.” All I know is that I started out in a good mood but unexpectedly found myself crying on my drive to work. But if that is not enough, I think the real shocking news came about an hour ago.
I had just gotten home from a chiropractors appointment. They think I have herniated disks in my neck and may want to send me for an MRI. Of course I am calculating in my head how much the test will cost me after unexpectedly having to get tires on my car last week for another $600. Anyway….. I went off on a tangent but the original point was that I had just gotten home and barely had my coat off when the phone rang. I saw on the caller ID that it was my brother so I picked up when normally I would have let it go to the machine. He asked where my mother was and I told him that I had just gotten home and sometimes on Tuesdays she goes to her Weight Watchers meeting. The next thing out of his mouth was, “you better call and tell her when she leaves there she had better go to Kids R Us because my woman is having a baby.” Naturally I thought it was a joke but it turns out it was not.
To be honest, for a woman with so many words, I just stood there holding the phone with a blank, shocked look on my face and not knowing what to say or how to react. I could not tell if this was a good thing for them or something unexpected so I kind of played it by ear for a bit. It turns out they are both ecstatic. My brother of course thinks he is Mr. Super Sperm and bragging about what a good job he did. I think after my father died, he realized life was short and wanted to have kids even prior to getting married in September but his wife or then “wife to be” wanted to at least wait until the nuptials were over with. The family was all taking bets on how soon it would be and my brother joked they were trying on their honeymoon, but I really thought they were kidding. I guess not!
So my baby brother is going to be a father. I have to admit that the reaction I had when I got off the phone was somewhat mixed. At first I said- “OH shit, I just bought them a shower gift, forked over money for a wedding present and now I have to start buying baby gifts…. What’s up with that?” After that reaction, I just felt numb inside. Part of me for some reason felt very sad and the first thing that came to my mind was that I had to write and figure out why I am so numb. To tell you the truth, part or me is upset- like really upset and I have no idea why I feel the way that I do right now. I should be happy for him- for them, but instead I find myself feeling very sorry for myself right now.
I remember a few years back when my younger sister called to tell me that she had just bought a house out in Las Vegas. I remember I had the same reaction. I held back my emotions on the phone, told her a big congratulations and tried my hardest to sound like I meant it and then when I got off the phone, I fell apart. At the time I was going through some really rough patches in my marriage. I was working like crazy to make ends meet, save for a better life and it just hit me like a dull knife right through the heart. At the time I remember thinking that I was the oldest and as such, I just assumed that I would be the one to have the house first and then the kids. Well 4 years later my life started to unravel, but at the time I was upset that my life was going backwards or at a stand still while everyone else’s was going forward.
Today, I am having a similar reaction I suppose. I will be 35 this April and while I am dreading that I am getting closer and closer to being 40, I had all but dismissed the idea of children. I had it in my head for a long time that if I hit 34 and did not have kids, I never would. And last year I hit that milestone and so I guess I mentally started to dismiss that idea. I am in the process of trying to figure out my life, looking into starting some college and career related courses as early as 2 weeks from now and find myself going into my 35th year re-inventing the wheel if you will. My boyfriend brings up the idea of kids and I suppose I have not completely closed the door on that, but it is not exactly wide open either. There is a big part of me that is not so sure I want to have kids at this age or any other year that puts me closer to 40 for that matter. There is the part of me that says life did not take you where you expected it to go and now should be about me- about friends, experiencing all that life has to offer, about travel and about focusing and building a second phase of my career. Kids don’t exactly fit into that equation.
So tell me…..then why is it that I feel the way I do? Why when I have all but dismissed the idea of ever having children do I feel upset or almost jealous if you will? I really am not even sure what the emotion is that I am feeling right now. Maybe deep down I still want kids and the pretending I don’t is a defense mechanism of mine so that when it doesn’t happen I will not be disappointed or upset over it. Maybe I really don’t want kids but there is the part of me that feels I am the oldest and just as I thought I would have the house before my sister, I am now thinking I should have had the kids before my brother who is younger by 8 years. And then maybe there is the part of me that knew how badly I wanted that at one point in my life and it is just a reminder of how everyone moves forward and I go backwards, stand still or have to constantly start from scratch.
The messed up part- my mother already sort of knew. My brother and his wife just went to the doctor tonight to find out for sure, but apparently she took 5 pregnancy tests at home- all positive and that came out to my mother a few weeks ago. It turns out that my mother told me that my sister in law was afraid to tell me because she did not know how I would react to the news knowing that I had always wanted kids very badly in a former lifetime. And then there is my mother…. happy as can be- grinning from ear to ear. She has already started to collect hand me downs for the baby and unused items and even came home with a brand new diaper bag this evening for “the baby”. The only thing my mother ever cared about was kids or grandkids I should say. When I turned 30 or so, she all but told me what a disappointment I was to her because I was not reproducing. Even my father before he passed expressed how I was the oldest and should have had kids so he could have been a grandfather before he passed away. Perhaps they did not mean it, but they always made me feel like a failure and a disappointment to them both. And while I know that I am far too old to sit there playing who is mommy’s favorite…. We all know who the “special one” is now. With the prospect of a new baby – my brother and his new bride have just move front and center and have been placed on a very high pedestal. From this point on, my life will be hell. Everything will be about them and the baby and the rest of the family might as well fall off the face of the planet because nothing they do will ever compare to the great accomplishment of my brother and his “super sperm”!
I know, I know- I am being silly but right now, I am more upset than I ever anticipated. Maybe because I was taken off guard with this news and figured it would be a few more months at least. Perhaps it is the fact that the year got started and I am once again lacking in direction and uncertain of what lies on the road ahead. Or maybe it is just because the timing of everything along with a significant and difficult time coming up in my life next week marking my father’s death and in combination they have me all emotional from the get go.
And yes, I know I have issues. I try my best to stay positive and focus on the good things going for me in my life, but every now and then you have one of those days when the pity party parade comes marching in so fast and furious that it is virtually impossible to ignore. But when it all comes down to it, at least I admit I have issue which is more than I can say for some people. I grew up in an environment where nothing I ever did seemed good enough and my father always told me I was wasting my time on this or that and never really understood me and so I go through life even after he has passed feeling as if I have something to prove. My mother made me feel time and time again that I failed her and came right out and told me how upset she was by the fact I did not have kids and so that news of my brother having a baby (well, his wife) has me sitting in my bed crying and typing trying to figure out just why I am so upset by the news. And why is it that everyone predicted in advance that I would react this way when I never even would have anticipated reacting this way and who knows me better than me?
After hearing the news and then my mother rubbing it in as she proudly showed off the new diaper bag she came home with, she asked if I was OK and what I thought of the news. I just didn’t really say anything at first and then she immediately told me to stop being upset and that my day would come. Well I doubt that, but after reassuring me that I did not have to be upset because I never had kids, she went on to tell me that I was always so ungrateful and not ever really happy with anything in my life. Well isn’t that the way to cheer me up?
Anyway- that is my story for today and I am sticking to it. I’m sure as the months go on, you will hear more about the progress of the newest addition to the family, how 2011 is treating me and any progress I have made in life.
I should probably end here, but while I am writing anyway, I might as well say that last year I decided that I would do the Liver Life Walk in memory of my father and in an effort to raise funds to help others with his disease – it was so much work that I am having second thoughts but I know that I can not. Last year there was a bit of the sympathy card playing in my favor, but others that said they would initially get involved told me that they wanted no part of it when push came to shove. My own brother refused at one point and told me I was annoying and wasting everyone’s time.
Normally I would have liked to have gotten my page up and running and registered the team, but time is already ticking away and I am wondering why I should put so much effort into a project that I am told I am stupid for doing. And yes- I was called “stupid” for doing it. I did have some wonderful and supportive people on my side- mostly friends and my boyfriend, but my own family was for shit. I met with such resistance last year that it makes me so reluctant to do it all over again, but I will because I said I would and I am a person of my word. I know that last year it was too much or too emotional for people to get involved- perhaps it was my fault for not realizing it at the time. Part of me hopes this year will be different, but I doubt it. Oh well- just thought I would through it out there while I was busy being upset about everything else. I figured that I might as well get it out of my system all at once. I plan to set up my walk page in the next few weeks and attempt to recruit a team, but if it is just me and a small handful of people this year- so be it. I am not being the slave driver that I was accused of being last year and I am certainly not going to stress myself out over it. Even if I raise $500 which at this point I doubt it even possible and a sheer embarrassment after the team raised over $10,000 last year, I suppose it will be more money than the American Liver Foundation will have had had I not initiated a team.
And last but not least, no one is hoping more than me that my divorce will be made official relatively soon, but this weekend I got an e-mail from the ex asking why this is taking so long. There are things he apparently needs to do and can’t until it is official and now I am holding him up. Oh, and then he wanted to know if I would be keeping his name or changing it. All I have to say is what the hell difference is it to him and after harassing me for months and months- now I am holding him up from moving on with his life. I just hope the piece of crap gets eaten by an alligator down in the sunshine state. What a piece of work he is.
Well there you have it- all the gossip, emotion and updating that is fit to be written. I am going to call it a night now. As always….until I write again…….
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