In 4 days I will be boarding a plane headed for St. Lucia. While I am in desperate need of a vacation, this trip will serve a three-fold purpose; that of vacation, destination wedding and parental chaperoned honeymoon. Honestly, I can live without the last part but in the end, I will be so glad they were there. Life is too short to have regrets. It would have been one thing if my mother did not want to go, but she honestly did and having lost my father last year, I was not about to deny her that or the memories it would create for us for years to come.
My fiancé and I have both been down this road before and the second time around, we tried to keep it simple, about us and as stress free as possible but I am not so certain that the words “wedding” and “stress free” ever go together. It started out about us, became about other people and so we flipped it around and made it about us again. Originally it was to be the two of us on the beach getting married followed by some sort of family gathering/ celebration when we returned. Now that the parents are going, we don’t feel this overwhelming need to have a dinner for the sake of going out to eat. To eliminate the awkwardness of people that did not know we were engaged let alone remarried, we both agreed a simple announcement would be best. Most close family already knows we are getting married (they just may not know the exact date). A simple announcement that we had a small intimate wedding on the beach in St. Lucia will hopefully get the message out without having people feel left out from a formal invite to a bigger affair. Besides, we don’t feel the need to spend money on things that don’t matter in the end or to have people feel compelled to give us gifts. We are both already set with whatever it is that we need.
Up until a few weeks ago, I was super excited. I mean, I still am, but as we get closer, things run through my mind. I was really doing fine until I asked my mom if she was excited about going away and she told me that she would decide when she got there. Despite everyone’s best efforts to get her a travelling companion, she will be flying solo and is wondering if she will be lonely and depressed when she gets down there. She then told me that she went to the cemetery and the landscaper must think she is nuts because she started yelling at my father for leaving her and for putting her in this situation.
This got me to thinking and then my heart started to break for her. I was so wrapped up in my own life and happiness that I never for one moment stopped to think about how she must be feeling. I mean I did way back when. I tried to avoid putting her in this situation but she insisted that she go. At the current moment, I had become more concerned with not being able to escape her and having to babysit her for much of my honeymoon that I never stopped to think how it must be for her to have to make a trip for this reason. Sure she is happy to see her baby get married (again) but to watch a union of two people as you stand there alone having lost your partner in life - I can’t even begin to imagine how that must make her (or anyone for that matter) feel.
Not that I can ever forget him as he was a very significant part or my life, but I have been trying to not think of my father. I know that he will be there and he would be happy and who knows, maybe even proud of me, yet I have been trying not to think about him and his absence at this major event in my life. It may sound selfish, but while I was initially upset it was just going to be the two of us, it also made it OK because if no one was there, I wouldn’t be forced to deal with who should have been there but was not.
As we get closer, despite my attempts to keep happy and positive, it has become harder and harder. People keep pushing my father to the forefront of my mind. My mother started it off, followed by messages from friends and family member that my dad will be looking down on me or that he would be proud of how thing turned out for me. I’ve been contemplating going to the cemetery before the trip to just get it out of my system but I can’t bring myself to go lately. I mean it is not like he is going anywhere and I know that all I would do is sit there and cry hysterically. What purpose would that serve? But there is part of me that knows it may be best for me to just cry real hard and get it out of my system and hopefully move on. I am hoping and praying that my mother holds it together because if not, it could be very bad. It will be like a repeat of my brother’s wedding where he cried the entire day from beginning to end.
Putting the emotions of the event aside, I mentioned that stress free and wedding never go together. I found out last week that while we should be coming home with a marriage certificate in hand, it will not be a US document. To do any sort of name changing, the DMV will not accept that. Social Security and any other entity I need to change documents/ names through will accept the certificate, but not the Department of Motor Vehicles. As there is apparently no place to record an out of state union in the US, I was basically informed that I would have to go to the local town hall and apply for a marriage certificate for a second ceremony and then get married again in the US. Here in starts the wedding stress. It also defeats the excitement and romanticism of getting married on a tropical beach if you have to come home and have a town hall wedding or as I call it, a “DMV wedding”.
I have to admit that the entire idea has me uneasy and anxious. I like for everything to be settled and not have loose ends hanging and this scenario has me anything but feeling settled. I figured out the process, but still, I should not have to go through all this effort. I am torn between finding a loop hole in the DMV system, getting it done the day we get back to get it over with or waiting and then planning something that those family member who were not at the “REAL” wedding could attend. This has me contemplating why we decided to do this so fast. It has me once again planning for everyone else and it has me wishing I would have known this in advance because I definitely may have planned differently. And then there is the other side of me that says people gave us such a hard time in the first place and do they really care that I am getting married for the second time? Probably not, so why is it that I find myself caring so much about them?
And since I am on the subject of thinking…..as we get closer, I find myself in a weird or should I say very emotional neutral mood. I am happy and excited. I love the man I will spend the rest of my life with and would do anything for him. I wouldn’t trade him in for the world, yet I find myself asking the question WHY? Why am I getting married again? Technically other than some possible name changes and making our partnership legally binding, I don’t know that much would change between the two of us and how we relate to each other now. I guess if you really wanted to drill down to it, it comes down to fear and self doubt. I came from a place where I failed. My fault or my ex’s- I still feel as if I failed at marriage once before and while I know that things are completely different this time around, I still failed and wonder WHY it is that I am putting myself in that position once again.
It is horrible for me to even enter into something like this thinking that it will fail before it even starts, but you never know where life is going to take you. I never imagined things would go so terribly wrong the first time. Granted looking back, hindsight is 20/20 and I know now that things were never right from the beginning but never did I get married thinking it would go in a completely different direction.
While I have tried so hard to tear them down, I have to admit that I have put up walls to protect me (or my emotional well being). I wish I did not have the emotional baggage or scarring that I have, but I do and sometimes I reflect back upon in and it makes me wonder WHY? I never had a “true partnership” in the past and I can say now that I honestly do. He looks out not only for him and for me, but for us. We discuss major decisions and purchases and nothing about our relationship is one sided which is very new to me and also very refreshing at the same time. We are our own people, yet we are one when we are together. Sure we get on each other’s nerves at times, but at the end of the day, the little things don’t matter because we love each other and we are good for one another. I just hate that my past has me scared, questioning why and making it hard to tear down those walls completely. But make no mistake about it, on October 20, 2011 I will be walking barefoot in the sand with a cool breeze blowing through my hair and the palm trees that surround me. The sounds of beautiful turquoise waters crashing to the shore will be heard in the distance as I say “I do” to the most wonderful person to ever enter my life.
Until I write again…..
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Fit as a Fiddle!
September was a month that seemed to whiz by so quickly I barely had time for anything let alone to write. With the exception of my niece being born, I can’t say that it was a terribly exciting month. What I can tell you about September is that it felt as if I had something to do or someplace to go just about ever week. Well, it didn’t just feel that way- it was that way.
I left off in August that I had all these medical ailment that I needed to get checked out. I try and be optimistic when I can, but your mind tends to get the best of you at times- especially when just about every other doctor has a new diagnosis and cancer and kidney failure are thrown in there a few times. That being said, I embarked upon the month of September with my entire calendar booked for appointments, testing and follow up visits. One doctor had something growing on my uterus and ovaries so that prompted a visit to the gynecologist. Another doctor has found a cyst on my kidney so that prompted a visit to the radiologist. Because of my age and to get baselines for future testings and screenings, that prompted more tests. Some doctors ran routine blood work- other ran tests to check for specific ailments.
When all was said and done, in the month of September I went for about 3 urinalysis, 2 rounds of blood work- routine, lupus, kidney function and whatever else one doctor could think to check my blood for. I had a sonogram, an ultrasound, a CT scan, X- Rays a mammogram, a cystoscopy and a trip to the dermatologist. In the midst of everything else going on, I forgot to mention I had another freak thing happen to my face. I finished up some antibiotics I had at home in my secret stash but upon threats from my family that I needed to have things checked out and in fear I was going to look like the Bride of Frankenstein, I was urged to go to a dermatologist.
The dermatologist was no big deal really. He looked at my face real quick and thought that perhaps I had a bacterial infection of the skin and the antibiotics I had taken to control the infection spreading to various parts of my face was not strong enough, the right medication or not taken for long enough to kill it once and for all. Of course my mission for the last month has been to find out what is wrong, fix it, take tons of vitamins to rebuild my immunity and get off the antibiotics……well, not so fast on the last part at least. The dermatologist suggested an antibiotic that I should take for about a month along with a face wash and then he felt I should be fine. He didn’t even try and swindle me for money for a co-pay with an unnecessary follow up appointment. The face wash dried up my face but nothing and little moisturizer and washing once a day instead of the recommended twice a day can’t fix. As for the antibiotics- they are still in progress but nothing freaky has happened to my face in the past three weeks which is a record for me these days. I just hope this stuff works and whatever it is that has been causing these freaky facial occurrences is gone once and for all because I really do not want to be the Bride of Frankenstein.
Moving along to my next doctor’s visit, upon the suggestion of one doctor that I had things growing on my ovaries/ uterus that could have been prompting all the issues- I went to the gynecologist. He sent me for blood work last time I was there but the results came back normal. I don’t think he was looking for anything in particular, just routine stuff or anything that he could think to easily test for as I was a bit of a nervous wreck the last time I was there. On that visit he did another pap smear and this time I luckily did not get a call back that things were abnormal. At the time, he did not see or feel anything out of the ordinary, but if it rested my mind at ease, he told me he would schedule me for a sonogram which he did. It was a bit awkward having that done- especially by a girl that looked like a spitting image of someone I went to High School with, but my uterus and ovaries all looked completely fine. No growths, no cysts, no fibroids, no tumors or other strange growths.
My next trip was to the radiologist where I had my CT scan, mammogram and X-rays done. The X-ray was obviously no big deal. The CT scan was a bit weird but I had sat waiting for my dad so many times that I sort of understood the process and what was to be expected. I needed to get that contrast and not having that done, I was a bit uncertain of how my body would react, but I was fine. I think the worst part is that they made me put my arms above my head for so long while holding still that it actually became painful after a while. And then there was the girl who pushed contrast in too fast. At first it felt as if my arm was burning but I think she just tried to juice me up with more than my poor little veins could handle at one time.
I had both pre and post contrast images done and the doctor wanted the films released to me so I came home with about 20 or so films of my abdomen and pelvis each containing about 16-20 slices of my insides. The worst part was I had to hold onto them for 2 weeks until my follow up appointment. Now not that I am a trained professional, but that did not stop me from looking and trying to figure out what was what. I do know that if it is anything bad, it would light up or show up differently on the CT scan image so I drove myself nuts trying to figure out the before and after contrast images and compare for any differences. Finally I gave up as it ultimately was going to be what it was going to be.
While I was there, I had my first ever mammogram. People made it out to be the most painful and dreadful thing I would experience. I have to say it was a bit odd, but in the interest of ruling out breast cancer one day (and well ruling out another ailment in my hypochondriac mind) it was what it was. I put on a gown, went into a room and the woman explained the entire process to me which was I think what made it less stressful. I did find it odd that after getting ready for work that morning, they made me wipe off all my deodorant. I asked why and they explained that any zinc/ aluminum derivatives in the deodorant might show up on the films as abnormal. I was a bit more comfortable with the entire idea once she explained the reasoning behind it, but I think the most nerve wracking part was wondering how I was going to re-apply my deodorant before work which would prompt a trip to the drugstore making me even later for work. Then there was the nipple jewelry they put on me. Basically it was like a miniature floral printed band aide with a metal ball as a marker or point of reference that shows up on the films. Having some woman put nipple band aides/ jewelry on me was a bit awkward but between that and the “wipe all you deodorant away with that cloth” I think they were the worst parts. Now don’t get me wrong…… not to downplay the fact that they smoosh your boob in some machine like a pancake, but it only lasted a few seconds and was no where near as painful as everyone made it out to be. (Maybe I just had a good tech.)
I spend one morning getting the CT Scan, Mammogram and X-Ray done. The following day I had an internal sonogram done. The day after that was a trip to the lab for more urine and blood test. All in all, those were not really what I was nervous about the most. I mean sure I was nervous of what the results would be, but my follow up visit to the urologist was what had me the most anxious. He was the one to interpret most of the results, tell me what was growing on my kidneys and to possibly perform a cystoscopy in his office to check the inside of my bladder.
For some reason, despite all the tests I had, I had a gut feeling it was all going to work out OK in the end. I mean there was a big part of me that wanted them to find out what was the problem just so I had some answers, but something deep down told me they would come up empty after all was said and done…..and they did. The urologist said my CT scan, X-Rays and lab work were fine. The cyst was apparently nothing to worry about (at least not at the time). He found no kidney stones on any of the films. Prior to leaving his office, he suggested looking into my bladder to look for fibroids and while I did not really want that test taking place, I figured I had everything else poked and prodded so what is one more test. After all, I had come so far to not rule out the last few possibilities. And so into a room I went and up went a tube and a camera into my bladder. He filled it with saline solution, spun the camera around to take a look and out he went. “Everything looks normal”, he said. He wants me back in 3 months just to see if there may be traces of microscopic blood in my urine, but unless I had problems sooner, he gave me a clean bill of health. Additional problems would prompt more invasive testing and he did not want to go that route unless he had. That worked for me since I was not about to jump on the “sign me up for more tests” bandwagon unless I absolutely had to.
I had every test imaginable and it all came out fine. Odd and unexplainable on one hand, but relieving and joyful on the other. No one knows for sure, but it had been suggested by several people that I may have passed a kidney stone. I suppose we will never know for sure, but for right now, I am fit as a fiddle. Hopefully my ailments are behind me now and I can concentrate on the things that really matter- like marrying the love of my life on the beach in St. Lucia in two weeks.
Until I write again……..
I left off in August that I had all these medical ailment that I needed to get checked out. I try and be optimistic when I can, but your mind tends to get the best of you at times- especially when just about every other doctor has a new diagnosis and cancer and kidney failure are thrown in there a few times. That being said, I embarked upon the month of September with my entire calendar booked for appointments, testing and follow up visits. One doctor had something growing on my uterus and ovaries so that prompted a visit to the gynecologist. Another doctor has found a cyst on my kidney so that prompted a visit to the radiologist. Because of my age and to get baselines for future testings and screenings, that prompted more tests. Some doctors ran routine blood work- other ran tests to check for specific ailments.
When all was said and done, in the month of September I went for about 3 urinalysis, 2 rounds of blood work- routine, lupus, kidney function and whatever else one doctor could think to check my blood for. I had a sonogram, an ultrasound, a CT scan, X- Rays a mammogram, a cystoscopy and a trip to the dermatologist. In the midst of everything else going on, I forgot to mention I had another freak thing happen to my face. I finished up some antibiotics I had at home in my secret stash but upon threats from my family that I needed to have things checked out and in fear I was going to look like the Bride of Frankenstein, I was urged to go to a dermatologist.
The dermatologist was no big deal really. He looked at my face real quick and thought that perhaps I had a bacterial infection of the skin and the antibiotics I had taken to control the infection spreading to various parts of my face was not strong enough, the right medication or not taken for long enough to kill it once and for all. Of course my mission for the last month has been to find out what is wrong, fix it, take tons of vitamins to rebuild my immunity and get off the antibiotics……well, not so fast on the last part at least. The dermatologist suggested an antibiotic that I should take for about a month along with a face wash and then he felt I should be fine. He didn’t even try and swindle me for money for a co-pay with an unnecessary follow up appointment. The face wash dried up my face but nothing and little moisturizer and washing once a day instead of the recommended twice a day can’t fix. As for the antibiotics- they are still in progress but nothing freaky has happened to my face in the past three weeks which is a record for me these days. I just hope this stuff works and whatever it is that has been causing these freaky facial occurrences is gone once and for all because I really do not want to be the Bride of Frankenstein.
Moving along to my next doctor’s visit, upon the suggestion of one doctor that I had things growing on my ovaries/ uterus that could have been prompting all the issues- I went to the gynecologist. He sent me for blood work last time I was there but the results came back normal. I don’t think he was looking for anything in particular, just routine stuff or anything that he could think to easily test for as I was a bit of a nervous wreck the last time I was there. On that visit he did another pap smear and this time I luckily did not get a call back that things were abnormal. At the time, he did not see or feel anything out of the ordinary, but if it rested my mind at ease, he told me he would schedule me for a sonogram which he did. It was a bit awkward having that done- especially by a girl that looked like a spitting image of someone I went to High School with, but my uterus and ovaries all looked completely fine. No growths, no cysts, no fibroids, no tumors or other strange growths.
My next trip was to the radiologist where I had my CT scan, mammogram and X-rays done. The X-ray was obviously no big deal. The CT scan was a bit weird but I had sat waiting for my dad so many times that I sort of understood the process and what was to be expected. I needed to get that contrast and not having that done, I was a bit uncertain of how my body would react, but I was fine. I think the worst part is that they made me put my arms above my head for so long while holding still that it actually became painful after a while. And then there was the girl who pushed contrast in too fast. At first it felt as if my arm was burning but I think she just tried to juice me up with more than my poor little veins could handle at one time.
I had both pre and post contrast images done and the doctor wanted the films released to me so I came home with about 20 or so films of my abdomen and pelvis each containing about 16-20 slices of my insides. The worst part was I had to hold onto them for 2 weeks until my follow up appointment. Now not that I am a trained professional, but that did not stop me from looking and trying to figure out what was what. I do know that if it is anything bad, it would light up or show up differently on the CT scan image so I drove myself nuts trying to figure out the before and after contrast images and compare for any differences. Finally I gave up as it ultimately was going to be what it was going to be.
While I was there, I had my first ever mammogram. People made it out to be the most painful and dreadful thing I would experience. I have to say it was a bit odd, but in the interest of ruling out breast cancer one day (and well ruling out another ailment in my hypochondriac mind) it was what it was. I put on a gown, went into a room and the woman explained the entire process to me which was I think what made it less stressful. I did find it odd that after getting ready for work that morning, they made me wipe off all my deodorant. I asked why and they explained that any zinc/ aluminum derivatives in the deodorant might show up on the films as abnormal. I was a bit more comfortable with the entire idea once she explained the reasoning behind it, but I think the most nerve wracking part was wondering how I was going to re-apply my deodorant before work which would prompt a trip to the drugstore making me even later for work. Then there was the nipple jewelry they put on me. Basically it was like a miniature floral printed band aide with a metal ball as a marker or point of reference that shows up on the films. Having some woman put nipple band aides/ jewelry on me was a bit awkward but between that and the “wipe all you deodorant away with that cloth” I think they were the worst parts. Now don’t get me wrong…… not to downplay the fact that they smoosh your boob in some machine like a pancake, but it only lasted a few seconds and was no where near as painful as everyone made it out to be. (Maybe I just had a good tech.)
I spend one morning getting the CT Scan, Mammogram and X-Ray done. The following day I had an internal sonogram done. The day after that was a trip to the lab for more urine and blood test. All in all, those were not really what I was nervous about the most. I mean sure I was nervous of what the results would be, but my follow up visit to the urologist was what had me the most anxious. He was the one to interpret most of the results, tell me what was growing on my kidneys and to possibly perform a cystoscopy in his office to check the inside of my bladder.
For some reason, despite all the tests I had, I had a gut feeling it was all going to work out OK in the end. I mean there was a big part of me that wanted them to find out what was the problem just so I had some answers, but something deep down told me they would come up empty after all was said and done…..and they did. The urologist said my CT scan, X-Rays and lab work were fine. The cyst was apparently nothing to worry about (at least not at the time). He found no kidney stones on any of the films. Prior to leaving his office, he suggested looking into my bladder to look for fibroids and while I did not really want that test taking place, I figured I had everything else poked and prodded so what is one more test. After all, I had come so far to not rule out the last few possibilities. And so into a room I went and up went a tube and a camera into my bladder. He filled it with saline solution, spun the camera around to take a look and out he went. “Everything looks normal”, he said. He wants me back in 3 months just to see if there may be traces of microscopic blood in my urine, but unless I had problems sooner, he gave me a clean bill of health. Additional problems would prompt more invasive testing and he did not want to go that route unless he had. That worked for me since I was not about to jump on the “sign me up for more tests” bandwagon unless I absolutely had to.
I had every test imaginable and it all came out fine. Odd and unexplainable on one hand, but relieving and joyful on the other. No one knows for sure, but it had been suggested by several people that I may have passed a kidney stone. I suppose we will never know for sure, but for right now, I am fit as a fiddle. Hopefully my ailments are behind me now and I can concentrate on the things that really matter- like marrying the love of my life on the beach in St. Lucia in two weeks.
Until I write again……..
Monday, October 3, 2011
A child is born
On September 2, 2011 around 6:19pm, I became an aunt for the first time. My brother’s wife gave birth to a beautiful baby girl – Sloan Gianna. Now most time people are partial to their own children, grandchildren, nieces and nephews, but she really is an adorable baby and in just a short time, she has brought so much joy to so many.As with any significant moment, in our lives, I know that it stings a bit that my father is not here but I know he is will always be there in spirit. My brother was crying like a baby himself when his daughter was born, and my mother told me that my brother held up his daughter and said, “Look Dad- look what I did! Look how beautiful she is.”
I have already had the honor of babysitting (on their 1st anniversary) so that my brother and his wife could go out to dinner and she is the cutest bundle of joy. If it turns out that I never have children of my own, this will be one spoiled little baby because I have already started to collect Christmas gifts for her.
My sister in law has a long way to go but my brother is jumping right in with the bottles, diapers, bathing- he is a regular Mr. Mom. Granted my brother is inappropriate 99% of the time so I worry what things he will teach his child, but one thing is for sure- she will not want for love and attention. She is the apple of his eye and truth be told, I can’t wait for her to get just a bit bigger so I can steal her for the day. I have a few more things to update in the coming days, but obviously did not want to let this significant event go unmentioned.
Until I write again……
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