Anxiously I wait with anticipation

Now that things have settled down some, we have for the past month been throwing around various ideas for a wedding. Ideally we would like to do something small- immediate family only and again, ideally; we would like to get married someplace tropical alongside turquoise waters, barefoot in some white sand with a tropical wind blowing and the rustling of some palm trees in the background. The sounds of the ocean crashing to the shore in the backdrop, late in the afternoon to early evening to catch a beautiful sunset as we say our “ I do”. Afterwards, some photos with the family and then a small intimate dinner in a private area or right on the beach for our family to celebrate.

Again, I said “ideally”. Having both had and paid for the big wedding in a former life, we wanted to do something different, hopefully fun for everyone and leave it up to our guests if they would like to come. Obviously we would pay for the wedding portion and the dinner afterwards, but it would be up to our guest to pay their own way. We selected a few all inclusive hotels so once they arrived, if they wanted to do any extras they could, otherwise food and some hotel activities would all be included so it would be a nice little vacation for anyone that joined.

Now for the UN-ideal part…..the family. They have been driving us nuts. Literally- I am like the anti-bride. I don’t want to go crazy and stress over planning and spending money on unnecessary things that in the grand scheme of life will not matter 10 years from now or maybe even a year from now. I wanted the day to be about us and about what a wedding should stand for and not all the bells and whistles that it has a tendency to become in some parts of the country- New York especially. My fiancé had a big wedding but his entire wedding in Pennsylvania probably cost what my reception (the food) alone cost in New York. Ideally, I wanted to buy some rings, a simple yet elegant dress and get some paperwork in order. Then I want to hop on a plane and have someone else stress over the detail and just tell me where to stand when the day arrives. Sounds simple right? Well that is in an ideal world and as we know this is everything but.

Knowing the expense that could be involved on everyone’s part, I started calling various family members to see if they had an interest. I figured if they were planning a vacation for this year or next they could just reallocate their travel funds towards a different location, get an all inclusive vacation in a tropical locale and then be there for the wedding as a bonus. We would have dinner that evening and the rest of the time everyone would be free to do their own thing. My brother has a baby on the way so it is hard to plan around him and the lack of funds he will have for travel with a baby on the way. I started asking around if people wanted to go, if they would have the money to go and if we did it this year versus next year if it would make a difference. Right about here is where all the chaos began.

Who thinks we should do it this year versus next year because they are still hopefully we may have children and the sooner the better as we are getting older. Who thinks we should do our own thing because regardless of when the event takes place- this year or the end of next, they may still not have money to go at any point. Who has a problem with just about every location regardless of price or timing because their plane ride would be too long. Who doesn’t have a passport and thinks the expense to get one will be too much. Who thinks we should do our own thing this year and then plan something next year, maybe a recommitment ceremony to give everyone else time to save and be there. Who doesn’t like that idea because they need to be at the actual ceremony and not the re-do. Who thinks it needs to be sooner rather than later because they are religious and believe in the sanctity of marriage and while they will not come right out and say it, there is a part of them that feels we are living in sin. And who thinks we should plan something small here and then go off and do our honeymoon or a recommitment ceremony immediately after on the beach somewhere by ourselves.

Back and forth, back and forth. I felt like a cat chasing my own tail at times, but we began planning. We started researching locations, rates, airfare, lengths of flights, wedding requirements- you name it. I felt like a travel agent trying to coordinate for 10 people. It was getting insane. Then in the midst of this, my mom wants to know what is going on so she can decide on a trip with a friend. My sister had no money to go, but the very next day her husband calls up and wants to know if I made a decision on my wedding yet because they found a good deal and are about to book a 10 day cruise to Mexico. EXCUSE ME…..yesterday my sister is crying poverty and the next day they have money for a 10 day cruise. Well obviously that did not sit well with me so I factored her out as it was pretty clear she didn’t really care to be there one way or the other. Oh, and we needed to get married between certain dates so as not to mess up her vacation schedule with work. Did I bitch that it cost me over $4,000 to fly out to Vegas for her wedding and use up my vacation time. I was just getting so aggravated. Obviously it was more convenient for the majority of people to do something small in New York and then fly off and do our own thing. Well convenient for everyone except my sister I should say because my brother in law said he refused to spend money on airfare to fly back to NY again.

At first we were content doing a little thing for our families as long as it was not a big production. There are some beautiful gardens we like or perhaps we would stumble upon something great outdoors in a locale that was different and semi-private and so we started looking into that. I put inquiries into a few places but then it dawned on me, this is a great simple plan until the weather doesn’t hold out and there is no way to predict that. So now we needed to look into a Plan B. It is like the great start the next phase of your life conspiracy. They hear the word wedding and all the sudden the price starts going up. I started to become stressful and then my mom starts talking about invitations, inviting friends….HELL NO. What part of small, simple and I am not paying for all those people was she not getting. Long story short- I was absolutely miserable. I was basically planning something for everyone else. The day should be about us but it was turning into being for everyone but us. The costs were little by little going to add up. Where to do it and when. Plan A and Plan B. Who still might not be able to make it. I was just so annoyed that I had to go through all this to plan something that I did not want. Maybe I was just jaded by all the aggravation I was receiving from everyone, but I literally got to the point that I was so stressed and upset over the entire thing, I was ready to not get married at all. And yes the thought of something simple at Town Hall did cross my mind until I saw the last episode of Grey’s Anatomy and they made it look so unappealing that I changed my mind.

In the end, it was an extremely difficult decision- one that brought about anxiety, sleepless nights and tears, but we decided to do our own thing on the beach in St. Lucia this fall and then plan something with our families for a later date. Yes I want my family to be there as does he, but it was just not working out that way with so many differences of opinion along the way. We contemplated parents only as it was going to be hard for siblings to get there but with my mom flying solo these days, I didn’t want to have to babysit her all week. Not only was this going to be my wedding but my honeymoon. I wanted to enjoy it and not have to spend the week wondering if my mom was OK, was she bored, lost, depressed, feeling lonely and out of place and I didn’t want for her to feel like the odd man (or woman out). She claimed if my fiancés parents went, she would go but then she would be the 5th wheel instead of the 3rd wheel. We contemplated paying for her friend so she would have a companion, but if I am going to lay out that kind of cash, I would rather pay for a family member. In the end, we decided that to do our own thing would be best and simplest and so we booked the trip.

We were so excited, we had a date reserved, I went out with my mom which was a bit awkward being she was not going to be there, but I got a beautiful dress. Little by little things were starting to fall into place. And then the fiancé got buyers remorse. I asked him a dozen times if he was OK with the plan before we booked the trip and he claimed he was. Then he wanted to invite his parents if they could afford it. I have no issue with that but then my mom would be going and alone so then we were back to babysitting and worrying about her for a week. It went back to paying for her friend and how much did we want to spend for that. I just had a knot in my stomach and the anxiety started all over again. And then he said, “What if we do it next year then and everyone can save up to go.”

I am all about the family. Remember I said “ideally” my family would be there, but he basically cancelled our wedding. I had just bought a dress, I was getting excited, I had made peace with the fact it would just be the two of us and for me, if no one was there, I wouldn’t have to spend the day being upset that my father was missing. We had planned to take a vacation in the fall but we were not going to afford another in the spring. We also spent more on the room than we normally would have so they threw the wedding in for free and after all it was to be our honeymoon. In the end, he still wanted to take the trip we had planned, but how was I supposed to go on vacation in a beautiful place knowing I was supposed to be getting married there and now I am not. Let’s just say that I did not take the news lightly.

Life is too short to have regrets and this is a memorable moment in our lives. Having some time to process it all, I understand he is not “cancelling” our wedding, he is just postponing it which is something I had suggested a while back. I tend to think things out where he jumps in a bit quicker with both feet. Maybe he had time to think that it was not the right plan. Maybe he had time to think that he would one day regret his family not being there and perhaps I will too. We had discussed children and while I am uncertain where I stand on that, I do have a feeling that that came into play in some respects in the decision to get married sooner rather than later. I am on the fence but it has been pointed out that I am about to run out of fence the longer I wait to decide as I am getting older. I’m not certain that children are in our future but ideally, I think we would both like to be married first. If and when the time comes that we decide we are ready for that step, I think we both would like to have the option without having to wait another year or two to get married first. Perhaps this is why we both opted to preferably do it solo this year if it wasn’t working out with family regardless of the timing. But like I said, life is short, family is precious and I personally try and make decisions that I don’t think I will look back and regret at a later date. I would hate for our wedding to be looked at as one of those regretted moments by either of us. So with that being said, I told my fiancé to think about it- really think about it for the next week. If he wants to postpone, I will not hold it against him and we would then plan accordingly, but after that time I can’t be dealing with the constant changes, adjustments in mindset, stress and uncertainty that has become of our big day.

I am a firm believer that thing happen for a reason and in the end I have no doubts that things will all work out for the best. But with 2 ½ days left to go, as of right now things are up in the air and I am anxiously waiting with anticipation.

Until I write again……