A weight off my shoulders….

                                                                                                Originally written 3-18-12
If you have beenn following my blog, or if you at least read my last blog entry, you would know of two issues concerning me in recent days.  For the first time in quiet a while (for today anyway), life has slowed down.  I finally found some time to myself and now I can actually write in a more timely fashion.

I was contemplating telling my boss at work.  I was trying to hold off for as long as possible as there have been many changes going on at work and I was promised some sort of a raise and increase in responsibilities.  I was already assigned and have been doing the added job functions, but SHOW ME THE MONEY!  I was afraid that if I told them, all the sudden, the powers that be in my company that approve the money would find cause for why I was no longer worth added compensation for taking on the work of basically a second person.  My direct boss has also been a bit stressed and has not been taking all of the changes well so I was waiting for the right time to tell him. There is one person at work that knows of my pregnancy and who knows my boss well and she told me there may never be a “right time” and to” just get it over with”.  Anyway, I finally decided  last Tuesday that I was going to tell him, but he went and did something very atypical for him…..he actually left on time.  Since that plan was out the window, people had been telling me to hold off until I got my raise. Additionally, my next sonogram that would confirm if the baby was healthy was only two days away so I decided to keep my secret for just a few more days.  (And luckily it got a bit cooler and  I was delighted when I could were a sweater to work to hide my expanding waistline rather than stress over what to wear for an hour each night.)

Since I decided to hold off on sharing the news for a few more days, I might as well go on to tell you the outcome of my next area of concern.…..the wellbeing of my baby.  Never having been pregnant before, I am not sure if it is standard practice or if it is because of my “advanced maternal age” but I was sent for a level 2 sonogram where they check the formation of all the organs and other anatomy to determine in there are any areas of concern with the development of my child.  I was kind of excited about this test because it has been about 2 month since I last saw the baby and I know that with the rapid frequency of the development that takes place in utero, that the changes would be astonishing…….And they were!

It turns out the baby was lying with its feet up by its head and its spine was curved along the lower part of my abdomen.  So when they first got the image up- all you saw was this very long, well defined leg and foot with all the major bones.  Now there are some images that they look at and can tell right away what it is or what part of the anatomy is on the screen and I just squint and try and figure out how they can tell that all that fuzzy gooblie gook on the screen is such and such a part, but even I could tell this was my child’s leg.  The Sonogram Tech shifted the image some and there it was- a huge foot.  You can tell it is our child- long legs and big feet.  I think I was in there for quite a while so the Tech randomly searched for different things to make sure there were two legs, arms, hands and feet.  That the head had developed normally and then the Tech began searching for the various organs.  She made sure that heartbeat was strong and all four chambers of the heart had developed.  She looked at the brain, check there were two kidney’s, the liver was normal, the bowels and even checked the umbilical cord to make sure it had all the major vessels needed to help a developing child.  She checked my ovaries, cervix, uterus and made sure there was adequate amniotic fluid for the little one. She checked that my placenta was properly placed and lastly, she said if we wanted to know, she would try and determine the sex of the baby for us.

So we did the test and then of course the baby had shifted positions so we had a hard time finding the sex organs.  I was told to go to the ladies room, relieve my bladder and then jump around some as the movement may prompt the baby to switch positions.  It seemed to do the trick because there it was…….. the moment we were waiting for.  My husband was so determined it was a boy.  He even had me convinced that was the case.  He gave his son a name about 2 ½ months ago and was referring to him as such ever since.  When I asked what his girl names were, he told me we did not need to waste time since he was 100% sure that strong beating heartbeat he heard on the first sonogram was that of his big, strong boy.

Well- I guess you should always go with your gut.  If you read my blog entry about first discovering that I was pregnant, he told me that the baby would be a beautiful little girl just like her mommy.  Well a beautiful girl it will be because there is no big strong boy growing inside of me.  We are having a little girl! 

When I heard the Tech say, “Here it is- a little girl” and point to the organs, it was one of those images that you could not make heads or tails of. Unlike the image of the leg which even I could figure out, this looked like a bunch of nothing.  I asked if she was sure and how she could tell and she went into the reasoning behind her conclusion.  I looked over at my husband and as I ran my hand along the back of his head, I said “Sorry… I know you are disappointed.”  He told me that he was not, but you could see it all over his face.  The face of defeat, disappointment and a bit of shock.  As for me, I too was in a bit of shock as I was thoroughly convinced it would be a boy, but I have to admit I quickly got over that one.  Baking cookies, frilly dresses and girls day out it is!  Of course she will have no choice but to play some sort of sport (hockey and volleyball) if my husband has his way, but that is OK.

So while I am glad it is a girl, I think I am just more relieved to know that my baby is OK and everything is developing just fine so I can finally stop worrying as much.  Of course I will always worry – that is just who I am and what I seem to do best, but at least I don’t have to worry each day that something (for right now anyway) is seriously wrong with the development of my baby girl.

It just so happened that after we went to the sonogram appointment, we had a regular appointment at my doctor’s office the same night.  I saw his associate this time and I have to say I kind of liked the man.  Maybe because he did not call me old, or tell me of my “advanced maternal age” but genuinely smiled and looked so happy and excited when he saw my test results.  He said, “This is good…..this is real good!”  He looked at the report from the sonogram tech and then he glanced over my chart to see how the results of my blood work for other genetic tests had come about and he told me that with results like this, he has never seen a baby born with ANY kind of genetic, or chromosomal defect.  For the first time, I had two positive pre-natal appointments that set my mind at ease and allowed me to stop worrying for the time being.

Now our biggest worry is what to name her, but if that is the biggest problem we will encounter, we will take it.  So far we have gotten a baby book of names from the library and narrowed it down to 20 or so names we both can agree upon, (although there are really only 3 or 4 that I think we are seriously considering).  One is something I never would have imagined liking but it has been growing on me. It is somewhat different but not weird or out there as some people do to their poor children.  I think perhaps I will mention a few names in passing just to see people’s reactions and that may help me decide if the name is too different to consider as a finalist, but I guess when it comes down to it, my husband and I need to like the name and feel it is something a child can grow into without being picked on for having such a name.

The other thing we are contemplating is cord blood donation. This morning we went to a brunch sponsored by the cord blood bank.  My husband is in favor of it but it is really kind of pricey.  I suppose if you ever need it and it save a life, you can’t put a price tag on that but to lay out that kind of money and pay a yearly storage fee and hope you never need it….I just don’t know.  They also can now save the cord tissue which helps with organ formation.  This is fairly new and carries an even higher price tag.  Knowing that I have a family history of liver disease and my father died while waiting for a transplant, it does make me somewhat inclined to consider it, but it is still new and they are not even sure of the implications for the future with such donation.  I guess we will have to think about it some.  The donation company was pushing us for a decision today and as their tactic went ahead and showed a room full of hormonally challenged pregnant women a sappy video of how it saved a child’s life, we still did not want to make such a pricey impulse decision on the spot.

Anyway, it turned out to be a beautiful day so while my husband is sitting indoors watching a hockey game, I have decided to set my lawn chair and my laptop up in the backyard and write some.  But as much as I love to write, I also hope to enjoy some of this beautiful day so let me get to the other thing that has lifted some weight off my shoulders.

I told you that I was contemplating the right time to tell work and did not want my baby news to stand in the way of my pending financial profits, but I just couldn’t keep waiting. I’m at the half way mark in my pregnancy and can’t play dumb forever.  I am also busting out of my clothes and while everyone says I barely show or am so tiny for where I am in my pregnancy- I know and I know that my clothes don’t fit and it is either wear sweaters in 70 degrees, have people wonder what I have eaten lately to look as I do now or wear shirts that have become too short and don’t cover the fact my pants are open.  Plus the anxiety of it all was getting to me.  I just wanted to get it over with and so I went to work on Friday (after feeling reassured everything was OK with the baby) with the intent to tell my boss.  I was nervously waiting for the right moment to say something when I saw on his calendar he had a meeting with the CFO to discuss compensation issues.  I wondered if I had come up and then wondered if I should perhaps wait until the following week, but things were being put off for to long so I figured it is what it is at this point.  Either the company will do the right thing by me, or they will confirm for me that this is no place I want to be working past the delivery.

I have no idea what happened in that meeting, but my boss came away looking white as a ghost and in a really bad mood.  I caught him blankly staring into space looking confused, distracted and beaten down.  I thought perhaps it was just me, but someone else came up to me an hour or so later and said to me, “What’s the story with your boss today?  It looks like he took a beating?”  And with that, how was I supposed to deliver my news.  I decided to e-mail the one person in my company that knew, and knew my boss well and see what she suggested.  She told me like a band aid- just rip it off fast and get it over with.  While she did not tell me what was going on around the office, she did tell me that if I am waiting for a good day or him to be in a better mood, that was most likely not going to happen for a very, very long time.  So I debated for a moment, I took a deep breath and I went into my boss’s office and said “When you have a few minutes, I need to talk to you about something.”  I figured he may ask for a few moments to finish up what he was working on, but he closed the door and told me to have a seat.

So I came right out with it.  I said, “I just wanted to let you know I am pregnant.” I told him I had every intention of working up to the end and would be returning. He kind of had a blank stare on his face and I saw his eyes well up with tears some. Then he said, “Is that it?”  When I said, “Yes”.  He said, “OK- well that is good news.  With the shit day I had, I thought you were going to tell me you were going to quit.”  He then asked when I was due.  I told him but neglected to mention it was the same time “The Little One” would be on her honeymoon.  I mean sooner or later he would figure it out, but I did not want to throw him into overload all at once (although I sense I was close).  He told me that was enough time to come up with a plan.  He looked at his calendar and said, it is after open enrollment with the benefits so that it good timing.  He seemed OK for a time.  Then he said, “Well that is a good thing- thank you for sharing good news with me today.”  Then I think the reality set in some as I saw his eyes well up with tears again.  He then commented, “I guess we all need to get trained on your recruitment software because it will take three of us to do your job while you are gone.” Part of me felt bad, but part of me was like- good maybe that will help them realize what I am really worth around here.  ( I just dread going back to chaos because I know they will f everything up while I am gone but it is going to be what it is going to be.)

He wanted to know if it was still a secret or who else knew.  This part I played a bit dumb. I told him that no one knew.  I informed him I found out a bit later in the pregnancy (which is not a total lie) and that I had some issues at one point (which I technically did) and they were doing tests and checking on things so I was overly cautious to say anything until I knew for sure that everything was OK. He then said, “Oh right, the doctor’s appointment you had yesterday.”  I assured him that I was doing well and the baby appeared to be OK so I felt it was a good time to start letting people know.  He made some small talk with me for a bit and thanked me for telling him but on and off you could see his eyes welled up with tears.  He must have had a real bad day and I think this new pushed him over the edge.  He had earlier in the day joked with one of the managers that he had about 5 more hours of work to do and he literally is the type to stay there until 9pm on a Friday, but after our meeting, he promptly left at 4:30pm which he never does. And while I genuinely do feel bad, his bad weekend became my good one.

In the end it is going to be what it is going to be, but with me finally telling people at work and getting positive test results from the doctor, a giant weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  For the first time in weeks, I came home from work on Friday with a giant smile on my face and feeling excited for the new life that is forming inside of me.

 

Until I write again……

Damned if I do, Damned if I don’t….

All is quiet on the home front, and then BAM- everything happens all at once, but isn’t that usually the way of it. Things have been progressing nicely with my pregnancy. As a matter of fact, I go for a level 2 sonogram in 2 days where they check the formation of all the organs. The doctor said that if there are no malformations, then most likely there is a low risk of other defects, chromosomal issues, Down’s Syndrome or the Trisomies they tested for with all the blood work they did previously.

So far all my blood work has come back normal so I decided not to bother with the amniocentesis unless they found something of concern. My last doctors appointment was about 4 weeks ago and all they did was more blood work and then the doctor listened for a fetal heartbeat. I was concerned since at that point I had stopped feeling queasy all day long, was not really showing yet and felt like I could be a human fish bowl carrying around a dead fish. Yes I know I am dramatic, but I heard of a woman that had a miscarriage at 20 weeks. She went for a routine test and they found no heartbeat and she was much further along than I was at the time. So when all other symptoms calm down and you are in that in-between stage, you wonder if there is really anything in there. Luckily he was easily able to detect a fetal heartbeat that sounded strong so I guess there was a living fish in my fish bowl after all.

Now I know for sure that there is a fish in my bowl. About a week and a half ago, I felt the baby moving around for the first time. At first I was sitting on the sofa and the weirdest feeling came across me to the point I said out loud, “What the hell?” Then I felt, thump, thump, thump and I wondered if it was possible. The book said it was around the time I should feel the baby start to move but not knowing what to expect I was not quite sure. That night lying in bed, I felt it again. To be honest, it gave me the chills as it was a very eerie feeling. Some days I get a bigger thud and other days, well the best I can describe it is like having a pulse in your lower abdomen. Almost like when you heart is racing and you feel a vein pulsating… kind of like that, but a bit weirder. A racing pulse normally does not give you the heebie geebies though.. Anyway, I am now somewhat use to it, but as the baby gets larger, God help me. I can already tell it is not going to feel pretty.

With the exception of being exhausted, I really can’t complain. I’ve had a pretty good pregnancy so far. I know part of the exhaustion is the pregnancy, but the other part is that I constantly push myself to the limits and do too much. You think after all these years I would have learned….. but nope. I started up the walk that I do every year in memory of my father through the American Liver Foundation. Rather than the usual hounding of people for donations, I have organized two events in addition to the actual walk which I am once again struggling to build a team for. I sign my mom up each year and she goes and is happy to provide food the day of the event, but as for asking for donations and fundraising, she is pretty much useless most of the time. I have to do everything for her, including register her for the walk and send e-mails to her friend. So all it really does is create work for me. My brother never really takes much of an interest. Not his thing and he can’t be bothered. After he told me I was wasting my time the first year, I have learned my lesson never to ask again. My sister in law was quick to jump on the band wagon this year offering to help with this and that and to raise funds, but then she was also quick to bail on me when something more exciting with her friends came up. Let’s just say for various reasons which time does not permit me to get into right now, my brother and my sister in law are pretty much at the top of my shit list. (Oh, how I wanted to write about it, but like I said when I started….everything happens at once.)

So before I get back to the original reason I started to write, I will quickly tell you that in addition to the walk (which I have been informed by my sister in law that I put too much work into and need to scale it down), I have also organized a jewelry party for the ladies. A friend sells cute stuff for reasonable prices and has agreed to donate 40% of the sales to the charity. In my spare time (which there is not much of), I make flyers, send out e-mails, organize the event, plan food and raffle prizes and send around catalogs. My sister in law was coming and bringing a bunch of her friends….that is until a party at a friends house came about and she changed her mind about a family charity obligation and took her friends along with her. (One reason she is on my shit list, but trust me, there are many more!)

And lastly, I have organized a night of comedy for a cause. I had to sign a contract and leave a small deposit, but basically whatever I sell the tickets for, I can donate to the charity. Of course I asked around to see who was willing to help sell tickets before I signed the contract and I got a bunch of takers, and now I have 100 tickets to sell and my sister in law found her way out of this one as well. (But there are still more reasons she is on my list and they are not all charity and promises of commitment related.) But while I am ranting about my sister in law, let me just say that perhaps the reason I am so disappointed with her and my brother is because I am person of my word. If I commit to someone that I will do something or help with something or meet someone somewhere at a certain time, I keep my word. I would never bail or not show up when expected and not even have the decency to call, but I guess in the grand scheme of things, that is what makes me a better person and a person of integrity. Well enough about them… I can go on and on and I already got side tracked.


So here I am at 20 weeks. The baby is kicking around inside of me (usually after I eat and when I lie down to go to bed). I go for a sonogram in 2 days to make sure that everything is forming correctly and then hopefully (child to be cooperating) they will be able to determine the sex of the baby. I have to be honest; I am actually for the first time in my entire pregnancy excited for a doctor visit. I am excited to know what is growing so rapidly inside of me. I am excited to see if my husband is right or wrong. He is so convinced it is a boy that he now has me thinking that maybe it is. At this point, I would almost be shocked if it was a girl, but I would be happy either way. I have come to grips that I may have a son peeing all over the place and taking over my TV with sports rather than a little girl I can dress up in cute clothes and bake cookies with. I guess time will tell. The baby is about 10 inches long now, the size of a banana, give or take. I feel the baby moving inside of me and am told around now, the baby can hear voices. Each night my husband pulls down my pants and lays his head on my stomach desperately hoping he will hear the baby’s heartbeat or possibly feel it move. It is the cutest thing and I can’t wait for him to be able to feel the baby moving inside of me. He is going to be so excited. He has had his issues in the past related to other children, but I know he will be a good father and love this baby to death.

Perhaps it is normal, but I am a bit overwhelmed with everything. There is so much going on at work, which is why I originally sat down to write. Then there is home and feeling overwhelmed with life in general. Stressing over three fundraising events simultaneously adds to the mix I’m sure, but there is a part of me that worries how life will change after the baby comes. I step up and do what I need to do, but I have to be honest and say that I wonder if my husband will step up to the plate when the baby comes. I worry that the majority of the burden will fall on me and I am already feeling so much stress and pressure and the baby is not even here yet. I know things will only get harder and more challenging and I wonder if we are each up for the challenge. I suppose time will tell, but for now, let me get back to work stress.

As I just said, I am at 20 weeks now. I have been looking pudgy and was always thin so God only knows what people at work must be thinking. They probably think I got married and went to shit with myself. For the record, I have only gained about 10lbs and get up every morning and exercise for about 20-30 minutes before work. The problem is my stomach has all the sudden popped. It is like it happened overnight. I went from looking like I gained some weight, to having a little hard and roundness to the pudge. Right about now, it is pretty hard to conceal the fact of what is going on. It is in the upper 60’s this week and I am still wearing winter clothes and sweaters to try and conceal my pregnancy some and it is just not working. If people knew, I would not mind as much that my regular clothes show off my new form, but I have not told anyone at work yet.

Ok, you are probably wondering why I am 20 weeks – literally half way through my pregnancy and I have not told work. Well I am about to tell you. First off, I worry. I worry that something will go wrong or something will be wrong and so I keep quiet. I wait for test upon test result to come back and they all take place at a much later stage in the pregnancy. Then I was afraid to open my mouth. I was not feeling queasy yet not feeling the baby move or really showing at the time, so it still did not feel real to me I suppose. I got to a point where I thought that perhaps I should just tell people, but how the hell do you go about telling work that you handle some of the most vital functions, but will be out for several weeks to have a baby and then reassure them to the point they believe you that you are coming back (although I would prefer not to)? Do I tell everyone at once during our weekly staff meeting or do I tell me boss first and then my peers? Any my boss is a male- is he really going to understand?

Well let me just say this. I finally get to the point in my pregnancy about 2 weeks ago where I feel the time is right to tell everyone and then all hell breaks loose. A spot opened up and one of my co-workers put in for it. The manager of my department who is 25 and has no business being in that role does pretty much nothing. There was already a plan in place to get rid of her which would take some hard work since the Director puts her on a pedestal. Then all the sudden the Administrator who handles all our benefits decides she want to move into another part of the company as it would be a promotion, a fresh start and a better opportunity for her. Through ramblings from the Controllers office, the Administrator and I already knew, unbeknownst to the Director of my department, that is she left, they were not going to replace her. Since they now can’t phase out the 25 year old manager that serves no purpose, the plan is to split up the Administrator’s job, pass the majority of it to “The Little One” as they call her and have her earn her keep around there.

Well playing dumb, my Director calls me in and informs me that we will be losing someone on the team, he needs me to draft up a job description and a posting asap and to think if there are any of her functions I may want to take on as I have expressed interest in the past in wanting to do other things in the field of HR. At the time, I told him I would very much like to learn the benefits side and if we hired another administrator, there were some clerical recruitment functions I would like to pass off and he seemed to agree. He also told me that he was thinking out loud, but was going to see if maybe he could get me a title change and possibly shift some of the money my way since anyone replacing the current administrator would be brought in at a lower pay rate. So here you begin to see my dilemma. I am about to break the news of my pregnancy when a promotion of sorts and a raise are thrown my way.

It is against the law if you will to deny a pregnant woman a job she is interviewing for if qualified and you are not allowed to deny a pregnant woman promotion, advancement or training because of her “temporary disability status”. But I think we all know what is right and what happens are two entirely different things. I would like to think my manager would do the right thing but the CFO/ owner’s sister doesn’t always do things by the book and is quick to judge people’s personal lives. She once caught me interviewing a woman who granted was very obese but also extremely qualified. The hiring manager and I both liked her and wanted to proceed when I was called into the CFO’s office and told that under no circumstances was I to hire that woman. Comments where made about her weight, speculation was made about her medical condition, increasing health insurance costs, excessive use of sick time etc, etc… Oh then there was my personal favorite …..an increased Staples bill from broken chairs each week. That was of course if they could even find a chair big enough according to the CFO.

For the record, obesity is not a protected class. Making decisions and jumping to conclusions about a person’s medical condition or any disabilities they may have starts to touch upon another issue and can be considered discrimination and runs the risk of legal issues. But the bottom line in this case, the CFO gets what the CFO wants and if you cross her, you are not long for this world. And as you see, she approves the money, but is also quick to turn it down and jump to erroneous conclusions.

Well let me fast forward a week. It is decided that the Administrator will be promoted to this new area and the CFO told my Director that a replacement was not to be hired and to split up the work. The original point was to make “The Little One” earn her keep and actually do some work, but that plan kind of failed. I got my wish, I got handed the benefits administration and basically all the hard work that involved organization, attention to detail and dealing with the employee population (not “The Little One’s” strongest suits) but I also kept all my other work. I need the experience in other areas to springboard my career down the line so I kept my mouth shut in fear that the work would be redistributed and not in my favor if they knew of my situation. I was also promised a new role/ title within the department and my Director said he was going to work on getting me more money.

The first week this took place, my Director looked stressed and if I told him, he would have most likely ended up in the hospital and then rethought his original plan of my workload. Oh I forgot to mention, I am due pretty much at the same time “The Little One” is getting married and will be on her honeymoon. So from a department of 4 down to 1……can you say stressful. The second week this happened, we were all stressed and trying to adjust to our new roles and get comfortable in our own skin. I contemplated telling my Director towards the end of the week, but then he sent me an e-mail that he was going to meet with “the powers that be” ie: the CFO in the upcoming week regarding my compensation. Now once all is said and done and I get my promotion and my raise, it bodes very poorly for them if they should start giving me hassle especially if I sign documents and then all the sudden they reneg after my news is announced.

But was it really in my best interest to tell them before the fact? I certainly did not want them to have any ammunition or cause to find reason to justify why I was all the sudden not worth what I am was worth before the news of a baby on the way. And so here we are going into week three of this mess. My lips are sealed but I think the tighter I close my mouth, the larger my stomach gets in turn. To anyone else it may not be an issue or as noticeable, but I was thin, very thin according to some and for anyone that knows me and my physique before this whole ordeal, it is very obvious at this point that it is more than having gained a bit of weight. I have run out of clothing to conceal my instantaneously formed baby bump and I am most certainly running out of time for the Director to get my money approved.

My biggest fear is that if I say something now, it is completely going to backfire in my face. If I wait until it is all a done deal, I risk that my Director will be pissed at me for not speaking up sooner and having me start handling a key function in the department only to have me not be there for a few months while other members of the department are out. Recruiting (for this company at least since they are so unorganized) and benefits administration for 2 facilities, 2 shifts and several contractors nationwide are two of the most critical HR functions in the department, and they now reside with me…..until further notice. So my problem is that if I open my mouth, I may have my promotion/raise shot down or if I keep quiet and then say something after the fact, I risk having my direct manager be annoyed that I waited so long when I clearly should have said something so long ago. And so as I see it, I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Everyone I ask tells me to keep quiet for as long as possible as they know the outcome will not be in my favor but I am getting to the point where a carrot was dangled in my face, but I have no idea how long until I taste it. It could be another month and while my manager is good about making any pay be retroactive, I can’t wait that long….I am looking pregnant now.

Part of me just wants to say something so I can wear whatever, look round and proud and not have to waste an hour of time in the closet trying to find the right outfit to cover my bulge. Then the other part of me wants to wait until Friday. At least by then I will have had my test done and hopefully be reassured that all is well with my baby. And well……I am hoping that by that time - maybe, just maybe something will be done about my compensation.

It has been hectic, real, real hectic this past week and a half. Trying to adjust to new job functions, being handed 15 new jobs to recruit for in the past week and a half and then stressing over sharing the baby news. I have been putting in crazy hours at the office just trying to get situated and caught up. Each day I go in with a game plan and it just never happens. Some issue gets me pulled in an entirely different direction or the CFO comes up with a new staffing change that involves more work for me and my life being hell. After 5pm it gets quiet in the office. Most of the people leave, the phones stop ringing, the e-mails slow down and I can get work done. So I stay for what I originally intend to be 30-45 minutes extra which ends up turning into an hour and a half Monday, 2 hours tonight and God only knows what tomorrow brings. I have a seminar on Friday and need to leave early on Thursday for the sonogram which has to be done at a local hospital and of course is only done during work hours. So I am trying frantically to get caught up and get ahead of things but the harder I work, the further I manage to feel from accomplishing my objectives.

Two weeks ago, I got contacted to go work for a Fortune 500 company to do my one recruitment function for 30-35K more than what I am making now. Had it not been for baby on the way, my resume is ready to go and I would have jumped on it. I am already underpaid (significantly) and now I am basically doing the work of 2 full time people. If they pull some crap and I don’t get my money- they just f’ed with the wrong redhead. I’ll stick it out until the baby gets here. I won’t work as hard, I will stop giving a damn and I will convince them I am coming back so they pay my portion of the benefits while on maternity leave, but then I have every intention of f’ing them right back when they expect me to return. I am big on principle and doing the right thing and if they screw me, I refuse to go back there. I will pick neighborhood garbage to collect bottles to recycle for extra cash to make ends meet, but I refuse to work for a company that has blatant disregard for their employees and I most certainly refuse to be the face of the company that tries to convince people what a great company it is to work for.

I suppose only time will tell which way this disaster will blow. In the meantime while I contemplate my decision for a few more days, it is getting late and I now need to go up to my closet and spend about an hour trying on clothing to hide my bump for another day.

Until I write again……..

And the doctor said……

                                                       Originally written: January 21, 2012

On Monday, January 16^th I went in for my regular scheduled doctor’s appointment.  It just happened to be a coincidence that I had this appointment the day after my frightful visit to the ER but the timing could not have been more perfect.  I was scared to death of what the results of the test I was going for were going to say, but I think I was more so fearful of what the doctor might tell me about my visit to the ER the day before.

I started off in the room with the sonogram tech.  She began doing the sonogram part of the exam where they measure the fluid build up behind the neck of the developing baby.  I take it that an abnormal amount is a sign of a defect or chromosomal abnormality.  Luckily she said everything looked normal.  She took some other quick measurements and then listened to the heartbeat which she said was strong at 160 beats per minute.  I told her of my trip to the ER and that they found a clot behind the placenta and that there was another still there.  I informed her of the measurements and mentioned how they told me in the ER that I should have it checked to make sure it was not getting bigger.  After hearing this, she took a look and measured it for me and let me know that the measurements were the same.  She then went on to tell me that when she was pregnant with her first child almost 10 years ago she too had a subchorionic bleed.  The sonogram tech continued on to tell me that she actually bled a lot and in her case she needed to go on bed rest for a period of time but that her daughter was born completely healthy. She went on to tell me a bit more about her personal experience and I have to say that it made me feel a lot better.  I had read online that this could be a sign of all sorts of bad things that can happen but hearing from another person that went through a similar experience and went on to carry their child to term was somewhat reassuring.  But despite this reassurance, I still needed to see what the doctor had to say.

So after the sonogram, I went in to see the doctor where he drew my blood for the other part of the Ultrascreen.  I told him what happened over the weekend and showed him the reports from the hospital.  He did not seem too concerned.  I think in all honestly, my doctor was more annoyed that his associate who was on call at the hospital all weekend did not personally stop by to check on me than he was concerned with what actually happened.   Going in, I thought maybe he was going to restrict some of my activities or put me on bed rest which was my worst fear as I would die of boredom, but he did not. He told me to take it easy for about a week and if a week went on with no bleeding, I could resume all my regular activities.  He then told me that he should have the results of the Ultrascreen test in about a week and would call me with the results either way and that he would see me in a month.

 Yesterday, much sooner than I had expected, I received a call from the doctor’s office with the results.  The woman that called told me the results were normal.  Now I know after doing some research that they give you a percentage or odds of having a certain condition so when she told me that it was normal, I said, “What are you considering normal?  What were the percentages?”  She told me that it came up 1 in 441 for Down’s Syndrome and 1in 761 for the other Trisomies.  Now personally, I would like the odds for Down’s to be closer to 761 than 441, but my husband seems to feel comfortable with those numbers and I guess I am too.  I think I am going to forgo having an amniocentesis.  While it is more accurate and can check for things this test did not, it also runs a higher risk of miscarriage as it is more invasive.  After last weekend’s experience, I think I will choose to forgo anything that may put the baby at risk and possibly incur more bleeding and trips to the ER.   

The woman that called with the results told me that at the next visit they will do more blood work that will check for spina bifida and double check some of the results of this test.  Unless there appears to be a problem, I am going to pray for the best and not advocate for any further testing unnecessarily.

Until I write again……..

Pretending everything is normal while panic ensues

                                                                              Originally written: January 21, 2012

So last Friday was my mother birthday which went well.  My brother and sister in law took my mom out to dinner while I watched the baby.  (Of course my niece is always the best baby but wouldn’t you know it, she happened to cry the entire time I had her.)  After dinner they all came back to my place for gifts and cake.  Before they arrived my husband kept asking if there was anything I wanted him to print up. He was of course referring to the sonogram pictures which he had scanned onto the computer.  I told you in the last blog entry that I had contemplated putting them in a “Happy Birthday Grandma” card, but I was uncertain.

I contemplated it for weeks but with the ultrascreen so close by, part of me felt a little bit better waiting to make sure the results were normal. I had also invited my mom’s best friend over for cake and I certainly didn’t want to say anything when her friend was there so I decided it was best to wait.  There did come a time when her friend left and I had the opportunity, but I think I chickened out.  I was just not ready and to be honest, I think that it still had not fully set in yet.

 The next morning I woke up and I was lying in bed thinking to myself how I should have just told them. I still had the card and was seriously considering telling her that day instead.  I was planning to pretend my brother left a card at my house from the baby so the “Happy Birthday Grandma” would not throw her off at first. I was supposed to take my mom out to dinner for her birthday and then we had gotten her play tickets to a local theatre so I though about how perhaps we should go early and just tell her the good news before we went.  But then it happened…….

 Before we took my mom out to dinner, I was lying down.  OK- I was lying down having amazing sex.  (It was of course the first time in a while I was not nauseous or half asleep)  Afterwards I get up to go get dressed in preparation for the evening festivities with my mother when my husband tells me from the other room that there is a little blood on the bed.  I was shocked- I mean I felt fine.  So I go to check and there is not a little blood….there is a lot of blood.  They do say spotting or some bleeding every now and then is normal so if that had been the case, I don’t think I would have been as freaked out, but this was certainly more than some spotting.  I sat down to wipe and see more specifically what was going on and there was a lot of blood and it kept coming out.  All the sudden there was this big clot like thing that came out.  I was certain I was having a miscarriage and that was the kid that had just come out of me.

 I yelled out to my husband that it was more than a drop or two.  “It is a lot of blood, like a very lot and I don’t think this is normal”.  He told me that it was probably nothing to worry about and when I re-affirmed for him that it was a significant amount of blood, he came in to check.  I held up a bloody piece of toilet tissue and told him to look in the toilet.  He came over and looked and then said, “Yeah, that is not normal!”  I just hugged him and said “I’m sorry…I am so sorry.” He looked at me and said that I had nothing to be sorry about, but I know how much this baby meant to him and I feel like I failed him and while I had made it a point to not get attached to the thought of having a kid for this very reason, he on the other hand,  had gotten very attached.  He had already decided that the baby was a boy and had started calling it by a certain name.  When he saw the clot in the toilet, I honestly thought it was the baby and said, “Say good-bye to…….”  (I’ll keep the name a secret for now)  After saying that and trying to make light of what was not at all a comical situation, I put my hand up to flush and he yelled out “Don’t flush…don’t flush!”  He works in software development for a genetics testing lab and he knows that you can actually check the tissue for defects and clues as to why this may have happened or if there was some sort of genetic defect.  So he instructed me not to flush and he want downstairs to get a Ziploc bag.  I was just shaking.  What the hell was happening?  I go almost 12 weeks and this has to happen now.  Why today?  Why today?  I needed to take my mother to dinner for her birthday.  And of course I am thinking, thank God I did not tell everyone last night.

 I am just standing there freaking out, mind racing with all sorts of thoughts when all the sudden my husband comes back with a bag.  He walks over to the toilet and I say, “What the hell are you doing?  That is gross!”  He stuck his hand into the bloody toilet to retrieve the solid “thing” (for lack of a better term) that had fallen to the bottom of the toilet.  Now, while I seem to remember him poking around at the “thing” with his bare hands, my husband will tell you a different story.  He claims it was already put in the bag before he started poking at it but I honestly don’t remember it that way.  Who knows maybe it was in the bag but when something happens unexpectedly and you are in crisis mode, you don’t always think clearly or remember the details exactly as they happened.

 Anyway, I saw him poking at what I thought was our baby and I said, “What the hell are you doing, that is disgusting!”  He replied, “I read that bones are already starting to form by now.  I don’t feel anything crunchy.  I don’t think this is the baby.”  I don’t know what it was that he was poking at, all I know was that it was gross and this whole experience was like something out of a bad reality TV series.  After the “thing” was bagged (and poked at), he asked me if I knew the doctor’s phone number and he handed me the phone.  My doctor was working last weekend but the other doctor in the practice was on call and promptly came to the line.  I explained what had happened and he told me that it probably was less blood than I thought.  “When a few drops of blood hit the toilet they tend to spread and look worse than it is”, he said.  I replied back, “No, trust me it is more than a few drops and this big clot came out and this is definitely not normal.”  He then went on to ask if I had any cramping or any lower back pain.  When I told him that I did not, he did not seem too concerned.  I think he said, “It is probably nothing, I wouldn’t worry about it but if it rests your mind at ease, I am on call.  I will be in the hospital tomorrow morning if you want to go to the ER and we will do a sonogram.  Now if it makes you feel a little better, you can go tonight to the ER and we will do a sonogram- it is up to you but I don’t think it is anything to worry about.”

 Nothing to worry about!  I’m pregnant, I’m bleeding, particles of God knows what are coming out of me, but I should call the office on Monday for an appointment unless it rests my mind at ease to take a trip to the ER sooner.  I just hung up in disbelief.  I told my husband what the doctor had said, that he did not seem too concerned and that he tried to tell me it probably was nothing.  Then I told him how if I was concerned, the doctor told me I could go to the ER now or wait until the morning for a sonogram.  I then spoke out, “How the hell am I supposed to explain this to my mom?”  My mind then started thinking again….We were supposed to take her out for dinner and to a show and I had to start having this happen today of all days.   Maybe I should go to the hospital now.  How am I supposed to tell her that we can’t take her out after all. With moments to spare how was she supposed to find someone else to use the extra tickets and accompany her…….

 Hello Mom,  Now don’t overreact.  I know we are supposed to take you out for your birthday but I need to go to the hospital instead.  I didn’t tell you this yet, but I am pregnant but think I am having a miscarriage.  I am bleeding and have to go to the ER to have things checked out……..

 All I kept thinking was how this is not happening and how was I supposed to explain this to my mom.  My husband, acting all unphased by the whole event finally said, “Look, the doctor does not seem too concerned.  I don’t think whatever that was was the baby.  Your mom only has a birthday once a year so I don’t think we should ruin it for her.  I think we should go out as planned and then go to the hospital in the morning.” I just looked at him and said, “You think we should just pretend like nothing happened and go out”.  He said, “Yes, let’s just take your mom out and see the show.  The doctor did not seem concerned so let’s just see what happens.”  In my head I was thinking, this is not happening.  Then I said to myself, “Ok you can do this.  I used to pretend all the time with my ex.  I’d go out, put on a smile so people did not let on and then I would come home and let it all out…..I can do this.”  And with that little pep talk, I went to the bathroom to freshen up and instructed my husband to call my mom and tell her to be ready to go at a certain time because we were running a little late.

 I sucked it up, got in the car and tried my best to pretend that I was not worried to death or bothered by this whole experience.  My husband told me that he loved me and no matter what- if the baby was OK or not, I had nothing to be sorry about and that I was the most important thing to him.  He then asked as we drove if I was OK to which I answered, “NOT REALLY!”  He then wanted to know what I was thinking to which I answered, “You really don’t want to know.”  So what was I thinking?  Let me tell you.

 Well, I was thinking how fucked up it was that on the two year anniversary of my father’s death, my baby dies.  Talk about irony and a messed up, heartbreaking experience.  Of all days, my baby has to die on the anniversary of my father’s death.   That  is what I was thinking, however, I did not want to say it out loud because I was already trying with all my might to put on the happy face, pretend like everything was normal when we arrived at my mom’s house and to not bust out in tears.  Oh, and one more thing I was thinking.  He (meaning my husband) thinks I am waiting until the morning to go to hospital and get this checked out.  There is now way I am going home and sleeping after all this.  We are taking my mom out as he suggested, but we will be going to the hospital tonight, not in the morning, but I will tell him that later.

 So we arrive at my mom’s and my husband told me to wait in the car as he went into the house to get her.  As he walks up to the house  I am thinking to myself, not to worry, I am not moving any more than I have to.  After a few minutes, my mom finally comes to the car, we go to dinner and the first thing I do when we arrive at the restaurant is go to the ladies room to check if I am still bleeding.   It appeared to have stopped or at least slowed down significantly.  Of course I am still panicked thinking I need to see if the baby is still alive- I can’t be walking around with a dead kid inside of me.  But as we are supposed to be  pretending things are normal, I just go back to the table, try and smile and make conversation as if it were a normal day. 

 The conversation was OK but at times I had to ask to speak of something else as I was finding that it was hard for me to talk about certain topics.  My father came up a bit and certain areas of conversation were easier for me to handle than others.  Then the topic of Disney came up which I found rather upsetting.  A week prior my husband and I were talking about how when the baby was 5 we wanted to take it to Disney with my niece.  Out of the blue, my husband starts asking my mom about my niece and if she would like to go to Disney with her when she gets old enough.  In my head I am thinking I no longer want to go and was getting upsetting over the thought so I asked him to talk about something else instead.

 All in all, dinner was not bad.  The food was good and the rest of the conversation had me somewhat engaged, but in the moments of silence….man does your mind play dirty little tricks on you. Your thoughts can be your best friend or your worst nightmare.  As I always assume the worst case scenario in preparation to brace myself for something bad, guess which mine were.

 Anyway, we left dinner, walked across to the theatre and sat down to watch the play.  It was The Sound of Music and as you know it has several kids in it.  I was watching the kids sing and started thinking how I would never see my kid perform in a school play.  I then started thinking why did this have to happen.  I would rather have never been able to have a child than to go through this.  I was feeling bad for my husband as I knew he would be devastated.  I was feeling like a failure and again I was thinking how could God be so cruel as to take my child the same day my father passed away.  I tried with all my might to pay attention, and at parts I did; but I was sitting there letting my mind run away with all these thoughts and crying.  All I could think was that I just wanted to go home, crawl into bed and cry and cry and cry. I had held it back for long enough and I just wanted to go home and cry.

 After the play ended, I once again pretended like everything was normal, we dropped my mom off and as we headed home, I could feel the tears I had been holding back well up in my eyes.  Part of me wanted to go to the hospital, but it was late, I wanted to go home and cry and it appeared the bleeding had stopped. Ultimately it was going to be what it was going to be.  As we drove closer to home, we did need to drive right past the hospital so my husband looked at me, saw that I was upset and asked me if I wanted to stop and get checked out.  I told him that it was late and I did not want to be there all night.  He decided that it would be better for me if I got checked out and we would  just go see how long the wait was. If we were there too long, we would leave and come back in the morning.  Much to my surprise, they took me in a lot sooner than I had expected.

 A nurse came in and took some info and then a doctor came and spoke to me.  They told me that they were going to have me do a sonogram but the room I needed to be in was occupied and I should just relax for a while.  The doctor was going to send someone to do some blood work, they wanted a urine sample becaus they were going to do another pregnancy test on me and then they would do an ultrasound.  She told me that I needed to drink a lot of water for the sonogram and handed me this big pitcher and told me to drink up.

 Somewhere in between a blood draw and being handed a gallon of water, two nurses from Labor and Delivery walked in.  They asked me a bunch of questions and they too asked if I had any cramping.  They seemed pleased when I told them that I did not.  The Labor and Delivery team then explained that they brought a portable device with them and they were going to try and see if they could detect the baby’s heartbeat.  They warned me that they may not find anything which was perfectly normal.  They said that sometimes it is hard to find it externally with that device. Often time they find nothing but then when you go for the sonogram, they sometimes have better luck.  She told me not to be concerned if she could not get something because that did not always mean something bad.  (Looking back, I think that is just something they tell everyone so they don’t panic until a sonogram confirms your baby is dead, but that is another issue.  For what it is worth, they did do a good job of quelling my concerns over their possibly lack of a heartbeat detection.)

 But…..lucky for me, that was not the case.  They Labor and Delivery nurses put the Doppler thing on my lower abdomen and said, “That is your heartbeat.”  And then they moved it around.  I was trying to read the look on their faces when they were searching for the babies, and then all the sudden they smiled and said, “And that is the baby.”  “It sounds good.  You hear how it is faster.”  They then put it back on mine and said, “Yours is slower” and as they moved it back, “And the babies is much more rapid which is normal.”  They then said, “We have a strong heartbeat and you have no cramping.  I don’t want to tell you everything is normal, but certainly that is a very good sign.”  And as they walked away with smiles on their faces, a smile cracked on mine followed by a sense of relief.  I still had no idea what was going on or why I was bleeding, but the baby had a heartbeat so I guess it was not dead after all.

 And with that sense of relief, I could finally relax some and concentrate on drinking my water.  And then I waited, and waited and waited.  With my bladder so full that if I moved the wrong way I was going to explode, I tried to sleep some with my husband crawled up in the tiniest ER room I had ever seen.  Finally after and hour I said the hell with this and got up and had to pee. I did not let it all out, but the pain- I thought I was going to put myself into kidney failure if this continued.  So I let a little out as the nurse told me I could do and then still in pain because I could have peed for another 5 minutes straight, I walked back to my bed and waited some more.  When the nurses saw me walking around, I think it jogged their mind that they had forgotten to call the sonogram tech who was on call that evening.  Finally after waiting for about an hour and a half or so, I was taken back for the test.  It was now around 2:30am but I was wide awake waiting to see what was going on.

 First thing the tech said was, “My God- look how full your bladder is.  I am going to hurry up so you can go relieve yourself.”  And with that, she showed me the baby kicking all around.  The last sonogram about 3 weeks prior had the kid looking like a blob of nothing.  Now it was clear that the baby had an identifiable face.  A profile revealed  eye sockets, a nose, lips and chin.  You could clearly see arms and legs flickering all around. For those not in the know, when they do a sonogram in the doctor’s office it is usually 5 minutes or less, but as this tech was looking for the source of the problem, she went into much greater detail and took her time looking at every nook and cranny.  As such I got to watch in amazement as the thing inside of me clearly was starting to look like a person and was clearly alive and well.  And my God- what a difference a few weeks make.  The thing had developed so rapidly.  When I first found out- around 8 or almost 9 weeks, the baby (according to the baby website I subscribe to) was the size of a kidney bean and was tadpole looking.  Now it was just about the size of a lime and clearly was more identifiable looking.

 The tech took her images and then told me to go relieve my bladder.  She also wanted to do an internal sonogram which she said would most likely give her clearer images.  So after I went potty, back on the table I went and got to look at the baby even more.  The thing was active as can be and all I was thinking is my God-when this thing starts to get bigger I am in for a world of hurt with him or her kicking all around like that.  As the tech did her job, I just watched in amazement.  Up until now I was having a hard time grasping the fact that I was pregnant and didn’t really feel much different (not that I know what pregnant is supposed to feel like having never been before.) Up until this point, I went on with my daily routine as normal (with some minor modifications here and there) not feeling pregnant or phased by what was going on, but when I thought I was losing the baby- my heart just sanks with the thoughts of what could have been.

 I had to be in sonogram for a good half hour - maybe 45 minutes.  I just stared at the forming baby the entire time on the screen with a smile on my face that everything was Ok with the baby. Finally after 2 sonograms and 12 weeks, it hit me…..there is something growing inside of me and despite what happened earlier, it is alive and well.  I have to admit that prior to seeing and experiencing all this, it still did not seem real.  I mean I knew what has happening, but I still had a hard time grasping the fact that I was having a baby.  Now it hit me.  Before I did not care- it was what it was, but now; now I cared.

 If I am being honest, that morning I was thinking how I was not sure I wanted a kid.  I was upset at how drastically my life was going to change.  I was upset at how my career might need to take a back seat for a while.  I was stressing how I was supposed to get up even earlier, dress, feed and drop a kid off at daycare (which we can’t afford), then get to work on time.  Then when the day was all over with, I could do it all in reverse.  Pick the kid up, get home, cook dinner, give the kid a bath, put it to bed, make my lunches, clean up after dinner, take my own shower and then maybe around 11pm collapse just in time for the kid to start crying because it wanted to eat again or needed to be changed.  But after this whole experience, I did not care.  I knew I would figure it out.  All I cared about was that the baby needed to be OK.  Up until this point, I really wanted a girl.  I don’t know, maybe I felt I could just relate better- someone to bake with, dress in frilly clothes, go shopping with and have a girl’s day out.  And then there is my husband who is dead set on a it being a boy. Boy or Girl, after this experience, I no longer cared…….seeing the baby move around and hearing the heartbeat again…PRICELESS! Healthy is all I now want.

 After a very long sonogram and an experience that totally changed my view on everything, the tech finished her tests and left to write up her notes and wait for a radiologist to look at the results.  She left one picture up and told us if we had camera phones or something to feel free to take pictures since her machine was out of paper.  So when she went to do her job, my husband took a bunch of pictures and shortly after they wheeled me back to the ER where we needed to wait for the radiologist to read the results.

 Finally around 3:30am the doctor came back in and told me that they had detected a blood clot behind the placenta.  Sometimes when the placenta is forming, blood gets caught behind it and comes out.  She said the fact I had no cramps was a good thing but told me to take it easy and asked if I wanted a note to excuse me from work on Monday which I declined. I mostly sit so there was no need for that.  She also told me that they did detect another clot about 1.7cm behind the placenta and I could possibly expect for that to also come out.  She gave me a copy of all the lab and sonogram results and told me to give them to my doctor.  She told me to have them keep an eye on the clot to make sure it did not get any larger. Along with test results, she handed me some discharge paperwork which included a paper on possible miscarriage- what to do and what to expect.  The ER doctor kind of let on in a way that things were going to be what they were going to be and there was nothing they could do to stop it.  It is almost as if she were preparing me that something could still go wrong.

 So after a very long evening, I went home with a sense of relief but not necessarily a sense of calm.  After an experience like that, you can’t help but worry every minute of the day.  Every ache, every pain, every cramp, every little trickle and you panic.  So while I slept well that evening, I woke up the next day feeling completely overwhelmed.  I did some research and some people said it happened to them and they went on to have a normal baby. Other people said they had to go on bed rest and were restricted from having sex for the rest of their pregnancy.  Others said their babies died at 20weeks and they had to deliver a still born. Trying to research every possible cause or option, I came across one medical website that said once this happens it is a sign that the entire placenta may detach completely.  In anticipation of what my own doctor was going to tell me, I spend the rest of the day crying and in fear that something terrible was going to happen.

 Until I write again…….

At your age.....

So I told you in my last blog entry that unbeknownst to me- I was shocked to find out that I have the beginnings of another human being inside of me. I was honestly in utter shock and while there is always that possibility, for me I just thought bearing child was never something that would happen. I don’t think either one of us imagined this would happen quite so soon. I went into the doctor’s office waiting for him to confirm or deny the pregnancy results of the home test I took which I was convinced were a mistake and instead I start off with a sonogram where I see the baby’s arms forming and hear the heartbeat and am told I am 8 weeks 6 days along. Talk about blowing your mind.


I literally left the sonogram room white as a ghost and shaking in disbelief of what I just saw. Next they put me in the office where I was to meet with the doctor. I just sat there during that period of waiting repeating over and over, “Can you believe this”. As the news had not quite set in yet (and 3 weeks later, I’m still not sure it has set in), the rest of the conversation was kind of a blur in some respects.

First the doctor came in and said “Congratulations” and then he shook my husband’s and then my hand. He then sat down and started telling me about vitamins which believe you me, I take plenty of on my own. He told me that I could pretty much eat whatever I wanted in moderation. “If you want sushi, have sushi.” He then went on to tell me that he thinks all that stuff is a bunch of “bullshit” and as long as I eat what I want in moderation, I should be OK. He did however tell me to limit sugar and I pointed out that it was Christmas and I would be having my cookies. He then went on to tell me that Tums and Tylenol for pain are pretty much the only things I can have. He may have mentioned a few other cold medications, but never getting sick much or taking those over the counter cold remedies when I do, I did not pay much attention or think to write them down. (All I can say is our poor child because I was sitting with pen and notepad on my lap and my husband was sitting with pen and notebook on his…… The two anal parents to be!)

After this, he asked about my last period which I told him was hard to determine since I had one that was so irregular for me back towards the end of November and that my last “normal” period was in October. He told me that it is perfectly normal for some woman to get their periods when they are pregnant. (Now isn’t that some scary news for the woman out there who take that as a sign they are in the clear when they have a pregnancy scare or romp without protection in the heat of the moment.) Anyway, getting back to my story…….after confirming my last normal period, he pulled out this little round wheel and told me that it makes sense (I guess based on what the sonogram tech had found) and that he is going to estimate my due date as July 30th. The sonogram tech came up with July 28th and since it only differs by 2 days, he is leaving it as the 30th. (Again, my money is on the 26th- my father’s birthday!)

Once he was done with that, he said…. “Now because of your age…….” and he went on to ramble about all sorts of statistics. The nitty gritty of what he was saying is that because of my age, I am at a much higher risk of having a baby with Down’s Syndrome or some other sort of chromosomal abnormality. He then went on to tell me about the tests he was going to perform on me and the baby to determine any chance or probability of these things. He told me about some more invasive test that could be preformed but that would give more accurate results. Following the descriptions of the test, he then went into the odds and some more statistics that those tests resulted in such as the likelihood of miscarrying. He told me that I did not need to answer him at the current moment, but went down a list of tests and time frames that they would be done.

Between 12-14 weeks they were going to do an Ultrascreen which is a sort of sonogram where they look at the thickness of the fluid that has build up behind the fetus’ neck and take measurements. They then do some blood work on me to check for 2 types of proteins that may be in my blood. Between the two- they give you a probability that your baby will have some sort of defect or chromosomal problem including having Down’s Syndrome. He said the Ulrascreen test is about 80% accurate but that if we need to know 100%, they can do some of the more invasive tests for more accurate and detailed results.

At 20 weeks they do some additional blood work for something that I can not recall at the time since he was talking much faster than I could write. And the last thing I can recall at the moment is that they will be doing some sort of fancy ultrasound of sonogram in the second trimester to look more closely at all the organs. He then went on to mention that if the organs have appeared to form properly, then usually there is a very low risk that there will be other abnormalities with the baby. (Hey- look at me- I guess it was not as much a blur as I thought as I seem to remember quite a bit)

After talking with the doctor for a bit, he took me to a room where I thought he was going to feel me all up and do his thing but he just did a bunch of blood work. I had read they do all sorts of things at your first pre-natal visit but as some of them are very similar to your annual exam, I guess he felt it was OK to bypass this step as I was just there in late September for those tests. He took several vials of blood and I wish he had let the nurse do so since he managed to bruise my arm in the process and I had to walk around looking like a junkie for the better part of 2 weeks. My bruise has just barely healed up in time for him to take more blood…Lucky me! The doctor also had me sign a consent form to do an AIDS check on me. Apparently they can check the mother during pregnancy or if the mother does not give consent to run an AIDS test, the state of New York holds the right to automatically start poking needles into your child in the hospital at birth.

We left the doctor’s office that evening and I still was trying to process all that had just happened. Meanwhile my husband was happy as can be. He had already begun thinking up creative ways to tell people and wanted to know who I wanted to tell first. I immediately answered, “NO ONE”! I needed to digest this all. Thinking your home test is a mistake and then finding out you are almost 9 weeks along is a bit shocking and hard to wrap your head around. Besides that, I had always heard that the first trimester was the most difficult in terms of potential things such as miscarriage happening. I had it in my head that something was going to go wrong. Well that and some crazy psychic once told me I had a miscarriage and since I was pretty sure I would have known, I figured maybe she was predicting the future at the time and not the past. Aside from the fear that something would go wrong with the pregnancy itself, the doctor had me thinking that something would be wrong with the baby. Now if you have been following my blog for the past few years, you should probably know by now that I always jump to the worst possible outcome in preparation for bracing myself for bad news. Hey…what can I say, I am a worrier by nature.

The doctor went over all his statistics and started off with “At your age…” and well, he had me deathly afraid my kid would be missing a brain, have three arms, 4 eyes or some other crazy thing wrong with it. Not knowing what to expect and thinking something could go wrong with me or be wrong with the baby, I was determined to keep this quiet as long as I could. I have a cousin who sent out a blast e-mail to the entire family a few years back that his wife was pregnant and they had just seen the baby’s heartbeat for the first time and were so excited. Well long story short, the very next day he sent a follow up e-mail that his wife had just miscarried and they were deeply upset and to please respect their privacy at this time. I certainly didn’t want to follow in their footsteps.

I contemplated telling our immediate families only but my mom is like Western Union and I have a feeling my mother-in-law would be the same way. I hate to say it, but truth be told, I don’t know that I would trust my mother to keep a secret if her life depended on it. I figured we would wait to see how things progress and then make that call when the time seems right for us and for me.

On Friday it is my mother’s birthday and also the eve of my father’s passing. ( I can’t believe it is 2 years already) I contemplated telling my mother on her birthday to deflect and negative connotations that day may have for her as a result of events with my father’s passing. I even went out to buy a birthday card that says, “Happy Birthday Grandma”. When she acted all confused, I would simply say that she is a Grandma as my brother recently became a father. Then I was going to put my sonogram photos inside. I’m still on the fence with the idea but on Monday, January 16th, I go back to the doctor for another sonogram and those tests he mentioned that may indicate with about and 80% degree of accuracy if something may be wrong with the baby.

While my mother is excited to be a Grandmother, she frequently comments that she never gets to see my brother’s kid and that I need to have one of my own because at least she knows she would get to see that one. I just know that my mom would be excited as can be and I think my in-laws would be as well but I would just hate to get everyone so excited and then have to turn around and tell them that something is seriously wrong with the baby a week or so later. I guess I feel that we have made it this far so what will a few more weeks hurt? After all, it is one thing if my husband and I have to deal with disappointment, but I don’t want to put everyone else through it as well. So for now, with less than a week to go for the tests, I have decided to keep this news to myself for just a while longer.

And if I am being honest with everyone, there is another and probably a more selfish reason that I don’t want to tell people yet - I am secretly enjoying the peace and quiet. I just know that as soon as the news gets out my phone will be ringing off the hook. People will want to know details. Every little conversation will be about the baby, everyone offering me advice or trying to ascertain how I feel, how big I got or how much weight I have put on so far. For just a little while longer I want to enjoy the tranquility of my normal everyday life.

Oh, and for the record- I only gained about 5lbs or so. It has been going up or down a pound or two a week depending on how much I eat and how much food sits in my stomach when I weigh myself. There are days when my regular pants feel like they will bust at the seams and other days when they fit so so. I can tell you that I am getting a bit rounder or definitely feel that my clothes fit differently, but so far I am wearing all my normal clothes and so the secret pregnancy news continues on.

It may be another week or two before I have results of the tests and based on that, I suppose my husband and I will start considering telling people. Around that time, I should also be at the end of my first trimester and I think after seeing the baby for a second time, it may seem a bit more real this time around. I’m not sure what I am supposed to feel like, but with the exception of being nauseous at times and tired, I feel the same as I did before. I have heard that until you start to show or you feel the baby move around inside of you, it does not feel like reality. I guess that must be the case with me. Regardless, I am not sure when I will get the chance to write again, but I will definitely update you after the tests are preformed and I get some information regarding the results. Everyone please keep your fingers crossed for me and the baby who this week is the size of a Fig according to the baby website I registered for.

I read what I can to keep current and try and understand the changes my body will be going through, yet it does not seem real. So far I have tried to remain unattached in the event something goes wrong. I don’t know how much longer I can do so, but for now most days I go on as if nothing happened and nothing is changing. And then there is my husband. In the first few days and weeks after finding out, he got a baby book and carried it around like a Bible- upstairs, downstairs, on the train with him to work. I just laugh at him. I asked if he thought maybe I would like to read it since I was the one actually having the baby. So I came home from work one day and he apparently got another one from the library and I found one copy on my nightstand and one copy on his.

When he first found out, he was convinced it was going to be a beautiful girl like her momma. After seeing the first sonogram, he is now convinced it is a strapping young man. He asked me one day what names I liked and while I felt premature in thinking of any waiting to see how the tests worked out, I did ask him what names he liked since he obviously had given it more thought than I had. He gave me his list and all where boy names. When I asked what his girl names were, he told me there were none since it is going to be a boy. He has since picked out a name that he likes (and truth be told, I like it too) and has begun referring to the baby under his/ her assumed name. All I do is laugh at him and say, that I am going to laugh real hard if they tell us it is a girl. I then remind him that he may be setting himself up for disappointment. He assures me that he will be equally as happy if it is a girl and then tries to convert the male name to female equivalent which I don’t know that I like so much. I guess we will cross that bridge when we get to it. For now, I am just hoping for healthy- we can worry about boy or girl later. Oh and for the record, despite that little incident that occurred in Rhode Island about a year and a half ago…I just know that my husband will make a wonderful father.

Until I write again…….

It can’t be….it just can’t be!

                                                                                Originally written:December 31, 2011


Boy do I have some shocking news to share with you. I wish I had time to write about it sooner, but with the holidays here and me wanting to sleep every minute of the day, I just have not found the time. But with today being New Year’s Eve and the last day of 2011, I figured this is as good a time as any.

All I can say is what a difference a few years can make. I started my blog two years ago today (I believe). It was New Year’s Eve, I was home with my parents, my father had just been released from the hospital but was so very ill. I was watching my father slowly die before my eyes, depressed that I was jobless for so long, living with my parents, going through a divorce and at the stroke of midnight on New Years, I was sitting by myself on the sofa crying. This year, I am newly, but happily married, going to a party to celebrate the New Year with a bunch of friends, I have secured and maintained gainful employment and while things have certainly changed over the years, I remain optimistic for what 2012 holds in store. My mom is starting to make friend and go out more and probably has a more active social life than I do so while I still worry about her (some things will never change) I don’t find myself worried about her as much. I have the most adorable little niece and while I have no idea where life is taking me, my rainbow has finally arrived.

So what is my big new? Well, I don’t even know where to begin. I gave you a brief update in the last blog entry on my wedding and a few things that have transpired since that time. As life has been settling down some, I’ve felt less need to write and for the times I have wanted to, my life has been so occupied with so many things that finding the time has proven to be the biggest challenge.

Oh my goodness….where to begin? Well on October 20, 2011 I got married to the most wonderful and thoughtful man. We both had the big wedding before and didn’t see the need the second time around. In an ideal world, I would have done something small with my immediate family only, but in the end we decided to make it about us. We wanted to do a destination wedding and to involve family members; we would have needed to push it out towards the end of 2012 to allow everyone enough time to save up. We had toyed around in the past with the idea of having kids and if you have been following you should know that I went one way and then the next on the topic. I had tried for years with my ex and when my marriage failed, I gave up on the family dream. Then time passed, I found myself in a different phase of life and having kids would have just been too life altering at this stage. That said, it never stopped my current husband from pursing that dream with me. He had always wanted to have children and I used to joke that he had baby fever worse than a woman. But as for me, I went back and forth on the topic. It was a part of my past, but I was not sure it was meant to be a part of my future.

There came a time over this past summer when I told him that I didn’t think I wanted to have kids and listed all the reasons why- my age being at the top of the list. He was a bit disappointed but would never come right out and tell me so. Then one day something happened and he had a change of heart himself. He told me that he had changed his mind and he felt that things would be simpler without children and suggested having a vasectomy. I did such a good job of arguing my point that I had managed to cause him to change his mind. Not expecting such a quick turn of events, I all the sudden found myself surprisingly upset over the idea of never having the opportunity to have children. I mean a vasectomy was so permanent and left no room for changing of anyone’s mind down the line. After weeks of going back and forth over why I was so upset, I came to the realization that maybe I did want to have kids one day.

We had both agreed to try and while ultimately we both knew it may never happen as some things are just not meant to be and not in our control, we decided to see where life would take us. That being said, we decided to get married this year and do a recommitment ceremony or small celebration of our wedding with the family next year and then see where life leads us. In an ideal world, we would not be having children at such a late age, but not wanting to wait any longer if we decided that was a road we wanted to pursue, we decided to get the nuptials out of the way and then take it from there.

I was a bit skeptical at first, but my husband decided that we should try to start a family shortly after we were married and see what happened. While we had both put our fears and differences aside on this matter, I was still on the fence and uncertain when the time came. After all, it was not like making a big purchase, having buyers remorse and then being able to return it when you came to your senses. This was a child we were talking about- kind of hard to undo it once it is done.

Before I go on, I should tell you that we had both agreed to not do anything out of the ordinary to start a family. I had tried to have a family with my ex for years and while I know now why that did not happen (and I am glad it didn’t), I know how stressful and how heartbreaking of a process it can be. The minute it become stressful, I was prepared to pull the plug on the whole idea and I maintained my right to change my mind anywhere through the process. We both agreed to just go about our lives as normal, nothing fancy, no pressure, no crazy positions or research or extreme measure…..our plan was just to ditch the birth control and see where life took us. It seemed a bit soon for me as we were married less than a month but truth be told, he had been planting the seeds of the idea in my head for month prior to even reaching this point. Perhaps if we were 10 years younger we would not be in such a rush, but he was under the impression it would take 6 months to a year anyway. As for me, after trying for 4 years or more, I was kind of convinced it wouldn’t happen at all.

It’s a long story but to try and sum it all up, my ex told me he had testicular or prostate cancer at one point in time. Of course that was a lie as well just to remind you once again what a sick bastard he was. Anyway, he tells me in the waiting room of the doctor’s office that it was a lie. Normally he would never confess a lie to me, he would keep it running for months, sometimes years, but I guess he was afraid I was going to ask all sorts of questions. Furious as can be, but not able to yell at him in front of a waiting room full of people, I went into the doctors office with him to find out what was really going on.

He has some minor issue that had no bearing on anything else, but he turned it into something and a surgery to get sympathy, but he also turned the tables on me unexpectedly and made the visit about an infertility issue. The doctor wanted to get my gynecologist involved and started talking about artificial insemination. At this point my marriage was already in the toilet and there was no way I was bringing an innocent child into the mix so I put a stop to that right then and there. Of course it did not stop my ex-husband from trying anyway. He was pursing his childless issues. He did end up going for a sperm count and let’s just say that for him to impregnate anyone, it would have to be a case of the immaculate conception part 2- partly because we rarely has sex and partly because his sperm count was virtually nonexistent. While I never wanted to play the blame game, in the end, I knew it was more him than me, but I never got tested, never wanted to be tested, and honestly for all I knew there was something wrong with me as well.

I can tell you that as a result of all the stress I had been under for years, my body was all out of wack. At one point I got my period every two weeks, then every month and a half, then it would be normal, then it would be messed up. The doctor put me on the pill to try and regulate me, but then told me 6 months later my blood pressure was too high and I needed to stop them right away. (For the record, the blood pressure issue I am convinced is a byproduct of living with my mother- you have no idea what that was like.) Anyway, the doctor then switched me to something else which completely wreaked havoc on my body. I tried to wait it out but my body never adjusted and I had horrible side effects so one day I said the hell with it. If I am going to be messed up- so be it but I am not spending money each month to be medically assisted in the process. It turns out that since stopping those pills in April, my body has probably been more normal than it has been in years, but still, you just never know. So fast forwarding to the present to shortly after we were married and summing up this long story, my current husband and I decided to see what the higher powers had in store for us children wise. While I agreed, deep down, I was convinced I had reproductive issues of my own and that ship has sailed for me years ago and was never coming back.

Now lets fast forward again a few weeks…… Right before Thanksgiving, I got my period, or what I thought was my period. It came the exact day I was due but lasted for only a few hours if that. I thought it was odd and that maybe I had some spotting and that my period would begin in a day or so. I had cramps as if I had my period and all the usual symptoms that come along with that lovely lady event, but that half day event was it. At first I was a bit concerned, and thought it very unusual- so much so that I actually bought a pregnancy test but then decided I was paranoid and never took it. I figured I just had a really short period and hey- that worked for me. Little by little I felt achy here and there and my breasts were a bit sore, but nothing like I have heard people report. When you try for 4 years to have kids, you do your reading, your research and you know what to expect and what signs to look for. I can say this though- I was extremely tired, almost unexplainably so, but we were going into Thanksgiving, traveling some and I was not getting as much rest as I normally would.

A few weeks later I had a really bad headache and was feeling queasy. Now I have had problems with my neck and back in the past. A chiropractor thinks I have herniated disks in my neck and when they act up it does not feel so good. He never could get an MRI to tell for certain, but when my neck hurts it gives me shooting pains up my neck and I end up with a migraine. The headaches at times have led to a nauseous stomach if they get bad enough and so that is what I thought was going on. For about a week I was feeling run down, achy and had queasiness off and on but I never thought anything of it.

Then one day I went somewhere and I was not feeling well. It was like all the sudden I would feel as if I needed to throw up so I thought maybe my blood sugar was low and I would eat something and feel better for a while, except an hour or so later, the same thing would happen. Of course I did not think much of it at the time. The following week everyone was sick at work and I had gotten a head cold and was feeling a bit under the weather from that so I never thought too much of it, but that queasy stomach was going onto week number 2. I would find myself getting up in the middle on the night to go to the bathroom and then feeling a little nauseous and found myself at 2am thinking about food and going downstairs to get something to settle my tummy. I then started thinking about foods I had not eaten in a long time and started making grocery lists in my head about recipes I wanted to try. It was a bit odd, but again, I thought nothing of it.

Then week three came and my cold was just about gone, my neck felt better……so what was with my stomach? I honestly thought I had blood sugar issues and when I was driving to work feeling icky, I recall thinking that I could not get to work fast enough to get my breakfast down. Then one day I took a bag of rice cakes and put them on the seat of my car. When I found myself eating crackers on the way to work to settle my stomach, I began to think something was clearly not right. Yet as odd as all these little things were, never did one, plus one, plus two equal baby on the way, although my husband thought otherwise.

Never did I mention any of these things to him but as my last period was not exactly normal, he right away started asking if maybe I was pregnant. I told him it was not possible and I got my period- it was just shorter than normal. He would look at me and say “OK, but maybe it is not.” Some more time passed and he would ask if I ever got a normal period and when I told him, “No”, he again came up with the same conclusion. One day we were lying in bed and he said, “Do you think maybe you should consider taking a test? You never got a normal period, you are hungry all the time, you are tired and have been feeling run down.” I just stopped him dead in his tracks and said, “No- I am fine, there is no need for that.” Once again, in an unbelieving voice he would say, “OK, I’m just saying….”

Well shortly after this conversation took place, a girl at work who is pregnant was not feeling well and she called her doctor from work. Her doctor told her to call an ambulance and go to the hospital as a precaution. The EMT was asking how far along she was and knowing nothing about what is considered full term, I found myself Googling it. This of course brought me to some baby site and since my husband kept putting the idea into my head and I was all the sudden more tired than ever before, starting to feel queasy at all points during the day, the normal foods I ate were turning me off and I was having heartburn here and there, I decided while I was on the site anyway to look up signs of pregnancy and when certain symptoms began, If you took into consideration the timing of my last normal period and the abnormal one not counting, the timing of things started to add up and it got me to thinking. A headache leading to nausea, OK, a head cold and feeling run down- OK, but going on three weeks of queasy stomach and running out of excuses….Now what?

It was at that time I had decided that if I missed my next period I would break down and take the pregnancy test. Under different circumstances I would have waited a week or so, but now all these thoughts were in my head so I set a deadline and vowed to myself to stick with it. I was convinced though I was getting my period, but when I hit the Saturday after I was due and still no period, I took the test in the wee hours of the morning. (I heard the first urine of the morning is the best for testing.) Immediately a plus sign appeared but one line forming the plus was very faint so I put the test in a draw and figured I would let it sit some and then go back to bed and check it later in the day. A few hours later I got up and checked again. The test still had the plus sign showing but the line was still so faint. I thought maybe there was a possibility, but then thought- it is so faint, it could really go either way. I decided not to make too much of it and would retest by the following Wednesday if I had not gotten my period yet. Well that was the plan anyway. We were exactly one week from Christmas so had I tested positive or something like it again, I planned to surprise my husband at Christmas. I figured surely I could keep the secret for a week…….Well not quite.

Not knowing what to make of the test, I started to freak out. I came down for breakfast but then would run up to look at the little white stick again. Then I would go downstairs, then back up. Finally I must have been white as a ghost. My husband looked at me and said, “Are you OK, you don’t look so good.” I just nodded and said, “Yep”. Then all the sudden I said, “I need to go upstairs and lie down. I’m having an anxiety attack and I can’t breath.” He looked at me and said, “OK?” and I ran up the stairs. A few moments later, he came up and said, “What’s going on?” I replied, “Nothing that you need to know right now.” He tried to get something out of me but I just needed to focus on breathing. I started mumbling to myself, “It can’t be….it just can’t be! There is no way that is possible.” He questioningly asked, “What is not possible?” To which I replied, “You know when in your mind you know something is not possible, but something else shows you differently but you just know it is wrong? It’s wrong, it is definitely wrong! It can’t be.” He asked, “What is wrong”? And again, I said, “Nothing you need to know right now.”

This cryptic conversation went on back and forth for a while until finally he said, “Does this have something to do will a little white stick?” I immediately said, “Why would you say that?” He again said, “Does it?” There was silence on my end and then he said, “Well you didn’t say no.” So at this point I told him as I rambled more nonsense, “It is in the bathroom. But the line is faint and it is all wrong but since I can’t tell either way, I am bugging out. But I know it is wrong!” As I continued to ramble, he got up to look and then said, “It looks pretty positive to me”. I then said, “Well you see how the one line is really light?” and he said, “Yes” and I continued, “Well that is why I can’t tell what it means.” He asked where the instructions are and I told him and he began reading them. He then came back into the bedroom with a big smile on his face and said, “Umm, I hate to say it, but it looks like you are having a baby.” When I explained about the line again, he said, “Did you read the instructions?” “That is the control line, the line that tells you if you are pregnant or not is pretty dark and there is kind of no confusing it.” I then said, “Where is the paper?” and I began to read it. “OH SHIT!” He was right, how stupid did I feel now. I had proof positive but I was still convinced it was wrong. As I lie there in denial, my husband told me if I didn’t believe it, I should go take another one. I told him that I planned to and would do so a different day. So the next day, I took another test and it changed almost instantly. My husband had inquired and I told him the other test was the same, but “that one is wrong too.” He laughed at me and said, “OK well maybe you should call your doctor and see what he has to say.”

So on Monday morning, I snuck into the conference room and called my doctors office to make an appointment. She asked if it was for a routine visit and I mumbled very softly, “No, I think I am pregnant” to which she promptly replied, “What do you mean you think? Did you take a pregnancy test or not.” I told her I took 2. She then asked when my last period was and I explained to her that I was not sure. I told her my last normal period was October 23rd, but when my next period was due, it lasted a half a day and that was it so I am not sure if that was a period or not. She then said that she was not sure how to book my appointment. Normally they book it 6-8 weeks after your last period and since I had something in November, she technically should not schedule me until January, but since it was not normal, she didn’t know when I should technically come in. She then asked if the test took a while to show results or if it was quick. When I told her it was instant, she told me she had an appointment in 2 days and while it may be too early to tell anything, I should come in and they would figure it out. Worst case, she told me I may have to come back in a few weeks. At this point, I said, “Well maybe I should just wait them” to which she replied, “No just come in and the doctor will figure it out.”

After this conversation I reported the news to my husband and tried to convinced him that I should just wait. I already was convinced the home tests were wrong and didn’t want to go to the doctors office and feel like a fool in person. I was not so convincing as he insisted that I go. I think he even flipped a coin to see if I got my way or if I went to the appointment. I’m convinced he cheated but that is another story. In the end, he said, “I know you…if you wait, you will be anxious for 2 weeks. It is better for you to find out either way.” He then asked if he could go with me, as a matter of fact, he wanted to go with me and the thought excited him. So on December 21st, one day after we celebrated our 2 month wedding anniversary, we went to the doctor.

In those 2 days, I had done some reading on what to expect at first prenatal visit so I was more prepared and less anxious and all I can say is that it was nothing like I expected. I figured I would meet with the doctor, he would do a blood or urine test and confirm or deny my suspicions. If I were pregnant, I figured I would be scheduled for a sonogram at a later date. Instead, the sonogram tech comes out and tells me to empty my bladder. From the test I had in September when I had all those other medical issues, I knew that was the sonogram room and began to get very, very confused. I went up to the desk and said, “Doesn’t the doctor need a urine sample.” They told me there were cups in the bathroom. I was so confused at this point and tried to stall as my husband was on the way and they took me in much sooner than I had anticipated. While I was stalling for time in the bathroom, I made sure to pee in that cup and clearly label it so he could check it for pregnancy hormones. When all was said and done, I briefly went to the waiting area and met my husband and what seemed like seconds later they called me into the sonogram room. Feeling more confused than ever, I walked into the room and I asked if I was seeing the doctor thinking they did not have a clue in that office. The assistant said, “First we will do the sonogram and then you will see the doctor.” She asked when my last period was and like an idiot I told her I had no idea. She said she would leave it blank and not to worry. She told me to undress from the waste down and get on the table.

A few minutes later the sonogram tech comes in and says, “So, how many weeks are you?” White as a ghost, I said, “I have no idea!” He said, “Not to worry, I’ll find out” and then he told me to lie back and “let’s take a look at the baby.” In my head I was feeling like an idiot. I didn’t even know for sure I was pregnant and based on what the lady said on the phone, there might not be anything to see. I looked over at my husband and whispered, “He is wasting his time.”

At first the Tech started and the screen was blank as he was searching around for something. In my head, I was thinking, “This is a waste of time, I should not be here. There clearly is nothing there. I don’t even know if I am pregnant or not.” And then there it was……… the Tech said, “Oh, look at that beautiful baby!” And there it was clear as day up on the screen…….And it was big! Of course they magnify it some at a certain point, but it was not the hard to detect dot I was thinking might be there. When I saw this, I could have caught flies because my mouth dropped and was wide open as I lie there staring in shock. The Tech did some quick measurement and then said, “Eight weeks four days”. Here I am thinking I am not even pregnant and he is telling me I am already 8 weeks. Shock, complete shock- that is pretty much all I can tell you. Then all the sudden he turns the sound on and the Tech says, “You know what that is? You know what that is?” I just said, “NO! NO!” as a tear fell from the corner of my eye. He then jokingly said, “That is your heartbeat.” I said, “Oh good”, but then the Tech said, “Your baby had a real strong heartbeat.”

I thought the man was joking but clearly he was not. Then he did some more pictures and said, “That is a little arm and a foot”. I was just in shock. Here I am thinking that I was going to have the doctor tell me if the home test was accurate or not and my kid, already 8 weeks has arms and a heartbeat. Before I was done, the Tech did one more measurement towards the end and then said, “Eight weeks, 6 days.” He then said, “Your due date is July 28th.” He finished up and handed me some sonogram pictures to take home and left the room. When I got up from the table, I was shaking, literally shaking. I could not believe it.

Afterwards we went in to see the doctor and while there is more to tell, I will have to leave it for another day. This entry is already far too long and I am about to be late for my New Years party. I will just say that he told me it was normal for some people to get a period when they are pregnant. Based on when I told him my last normal period was and the pictures from the sonogram, he told me that he is going to estimate my due date as July 30th. Since it only differs by 2 days from what the Tech told me, he said he was going to leave it at the 30th. I go January 16th for another test which I will tell you about at a later date, but for now, suffice it to say, I am most definitely pregnant. Oh and as for the due date, my bet is on July 26th. Ironically that is my father’s birthday and it would be his sick way of making sure no one forgets him.

Until I write again……..

(And since I won’t get to post this until tomorrow, Happy Belated New Year everyone!)