I think I am going to vomit

Right about now I should be actively and vigorously looking for a job. I have no choice really- my unemployment ran out, my bills have not gone away but I have zero income coming in. At this point I should probably start looking for something part time or even full time in retail just to hold me over. If I work nights and weekends, I suppose that would keep my days free to interview and look for work. The problem is that I have been so consumed with trying to find actual work that would be permanent that I have not put much emphasis on looking for part time work just to hold me over so I had some money coming in. I suppose now I have make that a priority. I will just have to double up my efforts and spend half the day looking for real work and half the day looking for something temporary.

The entire situation just sucks. Never in a million years did I predict being in this predicament. Never in a million years did I think it would take me a year to find work and then two short months later be out of work again because the company that hired me went out of business. Never did I think I would be unemployed this long. Never did I think that with all the extensions that were passed that I would run out of unemployment benefits.

They instructed me to file a new claim as I worked briefly last quarter but there were no guarantees that would be approved. They told me just to keep filing in the usual manner which I am doing, but nothing had come my way as of yet. While I know there are some people that scam the system and take advantage of the situation, I am not one of them.

At the funeral wake I went to last week I ran into several people I used to work with including the VP of the company who I spoke with for some time. He must feel bad as he has various people in the office contacting me for one crap job or another. The latest is for a recruiting position with a very large and well established company that I have actually been trying to get into for some time now. Unfortunate for me, they contract out all their recruiting spots for one reason or another. So the position I am being offered right now is a contract assignment expected to only last for 3 months.

Talking a temporary assignment with no hopes that it will lead to anything permanent is certainly not a boat I ever saw myself getting into and the thought kind of makes me sick to my stomach. Right now it looks as if it is a 3 month assignment but what happens after that. Well I will tell you- I am right back where I started- UNEMPLOYED. IF I am even selected for this project and that is a big IF, the only benefit would be that it gets me some corporate recruiting experience on my resume which may help me in the future, but as of right now- that would be the only plus. Of course the work experience and to have some cash coming in would also be a nice perk.

So what’s the downside? Well for starters after my last company went out of business, I was no longer eligible for health or even COBRA coverage. I had to go on a state subsidized health insurance plan and as it is really meant for low income individuals. If they find out I am making more than I originally was when I became eligible, I am at risk of losing my coverage altogether. The agency can get me something in the way of insurance, but it is pricey. And what pisses me off the most is that I heard originally of this spot from another staffing agency. Unfortunately the benefits they offered where much more expensive and did not cover one doctor or hospital group in the area so I was not able to move forward with the situation. What the other agency did offer was a lot more money for the same spot. My former employer is trying to screw me over on the bill rate to put more money in the company or recruiters pocket. I mean you think they would have some loyalty to an employee they had to let go of after 10 years of service. If I wasn’t so concerned about covering myself with health insurance just in case, I would totally call up and go through the other company and the hell with my former employer. I guess it just goes to show you that you should look out for yourself in this world because no one else seems to care.

Obviously my preference would be to find a job- a real job with actual benefits, a steady paycheck and that I knew was not going to end in 3 months. I can’t make a second career out of being a full time job seeker. The entire situation makes me feel like I just want to throw up on demand. And then what- what happens in 3 months…. I get to do the dreaded job search all over again? What I need right now is some sort of job miracle. Surely someone up there had to be looking out for me. I think my dad must be in training or more concerned with other family members because he sure as hell is not doing a good job helping to get my job situation on the right track. Even so, I miss him all the same and everyday wish he was here. I fluctuate between reality and a state of surreal where I can’t believe this is all happening and he is gone for good. Had he been older, perhaps it would have been more OK, but he really was not all that old despite the gray in his beard and the balding of his head which we teased him of often.

OK…. Back on track as this was not supposed to be a daddy issue entry. I just happened to be walking this morning to try and clear my head and a Billy Joel song came on that reminded me of a concert we had gone to just 2 years ago. What a difference time makes and sometimes not always for the better.

Anyway- the reason I started to write today was because I was feeling a bit blue, anxious, nervous and pathetic. I am trying my best to stay positive and focused, but sometimes it is very hard and other times you get slapped in the face with reality and it hurts real bad. The situation is what it is but there is a part of me that needs to get stuff off my chest before I can move on and focus on the sad state of affairs that has become of my life. I need to clear my head some so I can focus on my job search, of course it is a double edged sword because the time I waste writing this, is valuable time I could be using in much more productive ways.

I was having a good weekend for the most part when I suppose I set myself up for something. First, let me take you back to last week. I had to look for shoes to wear for my brothers wedding- an expense I wish I did not have as I will probably only wear the shoes that one time. Anyway, my mother came along and then wanted to go out to eat. I try to not go out if I can to save money when possible but my mother never really goes anywhere, does anything and loves to eat out for whatever reason. I walk a fine line between keeping the peace, making her happy and trying not to make myself more anxious. Well against my better judgment we ended up out to eat. When the bill came I reached into my pocket to give her money but she told me not to worry about it that when I had a job I could treat her. Well that is awfully nice of her except for the fact that she has done that the last several times and at this rate I may end up owing her dinner for the next 6 months. I would rather pay my own way than to feel indebted to someone.

Two days later we had to run some errands and we needed some stuff for the pool. I also noticed they had crab on sale and was hankering for it so she took it upon herself to get some. Well, actually she got a lot. With my father gone and her not making the kind of money she needs to really maintain the house, I felt bad so I offered to pay for the pool supplies but she turned me down. Then I gave her $40 and told her to put it towards the crab she just bought. With a sad look on her face and tears in her eyes, she looked at me and said, “No you keep it- I know you do not have a job.” Well I insisted on her taking it anyway. As it is, I feel like I am freeloading off her all the time and I feel very pathetic and ashamed of it. Last year I did a lot around the house and helping out with my father so I felt like it was an even trade of sorts. This year, I am not so sure how even the trade is. I feel bad and the day before I was let go, I was going to put a check on the refrigerator for my mother to use towards bills, groceries- whatever she needed it for. I decided to wait until I got home from my weekend trip that I had booked and paid for. Little did I know I would be getting bad news the way up there. So long story short- she never got her “rent check” if you will and now I don’t even have any extra and she is still basically supporting me. I guess every parent assumes they will be supporting their kids for a while but not when they are 34. I have genuinely been feeling bad about the situation for quiet some time now. I know my mother is going through a lot and it is not right of me to throw any extra burden on her shoulders.

The story goes on that I was already feeling badly about things. I had been worrying about money, jobs etc for a while now and I have no control over the situation and no idea when things will turn around. I literally take it day by day and see where life takes me. Yesterday it was a beautiful day out so it took me walking through Huntington with my boyfriend after a stop off at Sagamore Hill. We were walking down the street and passed a restaurant which prompted my boyfriend to recall a dinner he had there with his ex-wife at a holiday party or something. He was commenting how the food was good and what he ate. Well I suppose I opened myself up for this one but I said, “It always tastes good when someone else pays for it.” Without a moment’s hesitation, he said, “Well then you must love it when you go out with me”. All I could say was, “That was low. That was really, really low”. I think he immediately realized that the comment did not go over so well, but what was done was done.

I have to admit that while there was a large element of truth to what he said, it hurt nonetheless. I always offer to pay, give him something towards it and if it is not something in my budget or I have bills to pay, I will usually tell him that I can not go because I need to save my money for other things instead. He always insists on paying, asks if it would be something I would do had I had a job or asks if he paid would I go. So here I am having fallen into another pathetic situation where every time I reach into my wallet he reminds me that he has it, I have no job and when I do things will be different.

For the record, I am not exactly poor. I am a good little saver and have money in the bank, but with bills to pay, nothing coming in and no clue when the job situation will turn around for me, I am very cautious to spend that money because there is a strong possibility I may need it to live off of and pay bills with until things turn around.
I should probably say that we had talked of planning a trip over the Thanksgiving holiday but I did not feel comfortable planning a trip, letting him pay and then not having a job to pay for it. Going places knowing you should not be there for financial reasons and having to skimp while away really does not make for an enjoyable time. Personally I would rather hold off, wait and go when finances are such that I can afford it. So the compromise was a trip to Las Vegas to spend it with my sister. The original plan was to stay with my sister and if finances permitted go out and see the sights- if not, it was a change of scenery, there is plenty of free or low budget stuff to entertain ourrselves and all it would cost was a plane ticket and a trip to the grocery store. The other part of the compromise was so that we would have our own time together away from family, he suggested a quick weekend trip down to Annapolis which I agreed to.

Well let me now fast forward a week. The trip to Vegas is booked. It went from plane fare to a rental car and two nights in the Venetian. That gives us some of our own time but also brought the price of the trip up some before even getting there. My boyfriend is off and researching things to do and there are many we are in agreement over, but I just can’t get ahead of myself. I certainly am not budgeted for all the extras right now with so many uncertainties in my life and while he offered, I do not want him footing the bill…..and this was before the comment he made the other day.

Let me fast forward some more. We had discussed and agreed to go to Annapolis so that we had our own mini-vacation if you will as the week we were supposed to go away turned out to be a family trip which was not the original plan when we had decided to go away Thanksgiving week. With him booking the hotel for two nights, I figured that was going to be it. I was not so sure that he would still want to go to Annapolis as well. It turns out he did as he booked a little Inn for two night in a few weeks. He had run it past me and he is very excited to be going, but for some reason, I am not able to share his enthusiasm.

While I do like to go away, travel, experience new things- pretty much my entire existence with my ex (or hopefully very soon to be) was such that we went away but couldn’t really do anything for financial reasons. That or he wanted to do stuff and I always had to tell him no or find something cheaper to do instead. He apparently made money but kept it to himself- everything else fell on me. So long story short- I know what it is like to travel knowing that you can’t do much when you get there. It really is no fun and even more depressing that if you stayed home and did nothing at all.

My boyfriend told me many a times how his ex-wife always backed out on trips he had planned in the past and it was very upsetting for him. Of course this weekend he told me how he missed road trips and traveling with her, so I have no idea what to make of that. Anyway, he found me, I like to go places and generally do my research and get excited to go. Very rarely if I have something planned or my mind made up to go someplace do I back out at the last minute. That being said, let me take you to the present moment and tell you where my head is at and why I feel bad but am not as enthusiastic about the trip.
First off, one of my greatest flaws is that I worry about just about everything. So assuming some job miracle happens, the timing of the trip may be a bit hectic for me. Putting that aside for a moment, I will be paying for my plane ticket to Vegas even though he thinks he will be paying for it. It wasn’t really in my budget right now, but that should at least be my responsibility. Now the Annapolis trip- well that is REALLY not in my budget right now. While I would love to go away for a few days with him, I would almost prefer not to. Until my cash flow situation turns around, I can’t afford hotels, dinner out, entertainment expenses etc. And even if my cash flow situation turns around, I still have a backlog from the weeks I had nothing coming in.

While I do not know my boyfriends cash flow situation, I think it is probably fair to say I have more saved than he does, but he also has a nice stream of money coming in that I do not. I am cautious with how I spend my money and while he calls me frugal and sometimes I think that the fact I am so cheap bothers him, life has given me no other choice. Right now I need to worry about me and my situation. While my bank roll may be more, his financial obligations far outreach any I have ever encountered. The last thing I ever want to do is add to that problem which clearly I am doing. He likes to go out and do things as do I, but he can afford to and right now I can not. Not knowing what the future holds, I need to conserve my financial resources. And while he pays most of the times we go out, honestly, had it not been for him, there is no way I would eat out that much.

I kind of feel that I am a bit all over the place so I will try my best to tie it all together. Yesterday when that comment was made, while truthful, it was a bit hurtful. OK, it was very hurtful. It made me reflect upon how pathetic I have become. It made me reflect upon what a burden I have become- first to my mother and now to him. It made me sad that I did not have a job and could not afford to pull my own weight. Never before in my life have I been in that situation and it is not a good place to be in or a good feeling to weigh on your mind. Shortly after the comment was made I got a huge lump in my throat and I started to get anxious and had a mini- anxiety attack if you will. I wanted to cry but did my best to hold it in. I think my boyfriend knew I was upset and he tried to ask but I just said I was fine even though I kind of wasn’t. I was just in a public place and talking about it would have only brought me to tears and when that happens, the flow that comes from my eye sockets is somewhat uncontrollable. Up until that point, I was having a pleasant day and a pleasant weekend and did not want to spend the remainder of it crying uncontrollably.

On the drive home he asked what was on my mind. Normally I am very open and never hold back what I am thinking and feeling, but I was too upset to talk about it at that moment. So when I did not want to talk about that topic and that topic only, he chose silence and to not talk to me at all which I am not sure I deserved. It was not a big deal but made me even more upset for some reason. From that point on, I tried to be my normal cheerful self, but it was very hard.

A new day is upon us and while it may just be me having a pity party, here is what I was thinking at that moment….. First, I was upset because it is not supposed to be that way. Every other friend I know says you always make the man pay….I don’t necessarily feel that is right. My husband was a financial burden to me and I hated it. I never want to be that to someone else. Of course if he had pulled his weight or even tried to contribute in other ways it would not have been as large and issue as it was, but nonetheless, he created problems and bills and debt and then washed his hands of it leaving me to clean up the mess and I hated him for it.

Second, I just knew that eventually this would be an issue. Even if I had a job, he would always make more than me so things would always be thrown in my face after the fact or I would go broke keeping up with his spending habits which far outweigh mine. He eats out and likes to get out and do things as do I, but I exercise a bit of restraint and know my limits. My ex made me broke and I am not about to let another man do the same. I am trying real hard to rebuild my life. I thought I was off to a good start but it all came crumbling down. Building up some financial security and freedom is my number one priority. Not feeling like a financial burden to another is also a top priority of mine.

Third, after all was said and done the other day, I was finding that I was dreading the trip to Annapolis in the next few weeks. I really don’t need for there to be another occurrence of me feeling pathetic, people taking pity on me or throwing finances in my face. And quite honestly, I am not prepared or willing to spend money on a trip that I otherwise would not have spent money on. I feel bad since I know he is looking forward to it, but I would just assume not go before putting myself in that situation again.

Forth, his parents are coming in a few days. He has planned a few things and has asked me to join them. I have no idea what will end up taking place. Technically he is responsible for entertaining them and not me so I always have the choice not to go with them. I really do like them and want to get to know them better but I am also not looking to break the bank and at this point I think hell would have to freeze over before anyone ever paid for anything for me again. As it stands now a pool and BBQ day or at least some sort of dinner is planned at my mom’s house one day. I think it is only right to give my mother some money towards food. It is one thing that she feeds me, but it is not right to ask her to feed 4 extra people when I know finances are a concern of hers as well. She got some money from my father’s life insurance, but not enough to last a lifetime or last if she spends it foolishly.

So that right now is the latest. I feel pathetic. I feel like a financial burden and I feel ashamed of myself. The money in the bank is to live off of so I might as well start using it for such. I have decided that until things turn around for me, I will not be going anywhere, will not be going out to eat again, will not have people paying for me and I should probably start giving my mother some money and paying my way around here. Just because I feel pathetic does not mean I have to act pathetic.

It is still summer- I can enjoy the pool, read a book and find ways to entertain myself but mostly I anticipate myself in the house at the computer trying to get myself out of the mess that has become of my life. And on that note, I might as well get to my job search. I already wasted a big portion of the day so I have to make up for lost time.

Until I write again…….