It just sucks!

July 28, 2010

I probably will not get a chance to post this until tomorrow morning as it is late right now and I am so so tired but I felt the need to get a few things off my chest. And I promise that this entry will be brief.

I went to the wake today and it actually was not bad. I met up with a friend I used to work with for lunch beforehand which was probably the only reason I did push myself to go. I ended up sitting in the back of the room talking to a bunch of old co-workers I had not seen in a while so that part of it was a nice treat. They all told me I was so lucky to be out of that place as it is hell there. Truth be told, when I originally got let go last year I was excited or relieved perhaps because I hated that place and this was the push I needed to find something new, better and more exciting. Besides right at the onset of my marital separation and having to pack and move it was nice having the time off to deal with personal matters. The timing was lousy that everything fell apart at the same time but good for other reasons. Today….. I kind of wish I was working. Being unemployed for over a year and then losing your job for the second time is not exactly the future I had envisioned for myself last year when I set out to find new, exciting and better.

Other than that, I was on Facebook tonight for a bit. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother. It is partly addicting and partly a giant, giant waste of time. I scroll down to see what is going on in people’s lives and then I stumbled upon a photo one of my old High School friends that posted a new photos of her daughter. Sweet as anything she was, but then there are comments on the photos from others I went to school with but have not friended. Part of me says if I have not talked to them in this long, why start now and other parts of me are curious…..OK, they are very curious.

I am all about security on my page. Search me and even the best of the best had a hard time finding me to friend me. Others, however are not so diligent with their security settings so you click on their name and up pops their page- comments, photos- you name it. So I start off by looking at the one girls photo of her daughter which then leads me to another girl I went to school with and what appears to be a photo of her family. She is drop dead gorgeous but beyond that she has a lovely family and three beautiful children. Her photos leads me to another classmate who also has three beautiful children, photos of her nice house and on and on.

So why am I writing tonight when I am tired and really want to be in bed sleeping? Well because it is a bit upsetting. As I sit her looking at photos of everyone my age that are happily married with all these beautiful children, I look up from my computer screen and there is a photo of my father holding this huge and I mean huge fluke. It took me back to a time on the boat and the many fine summers we had. I went to a funeral wake today of a former co-workers father who was 88 and then there was my father who died before turning 59. While I feel old, I think of how young my siblings and I all are and the many things that are yet to happen in our lifetimes that he will never witness. I’m sure he will be there is spirit, but he will not be there physically. He used to be so vibrant and full of life and towards the end he was weak and frail. Today he is no more and while I will always remember him in my memories- it is just not the same as him being here.

I have already determined I am old and the baby boat has long set sail without me, but perhaps there is hope for my brother and sister. And for those significant moments in life, my father will never be a part. I look at the photos of my classmates- people my own age, some even younger and look at their children and think why? Why did life turn out the way it has? Why is my father not here? What did all these people do right that I did wrong?

I should be happy for all these people, and I am, but also a bit jealous or loathing in self pity. I am 34, starting over in just about every area of my life. I am fatherless at an age much younger than I ever anticipated. I am jobless, directionless and living at home with my mother. Never where I thought I would be. One person I went to school with is now a cardiologist published in all sorts of medical journals. Other have happy families, beautiful children and tons more direction that I seem to have.

I know, I know…. Whoa is me. I am not the only person that got divorced. My boyfriend went through it. Aunts, cousins and today I learned of two former co-workers that are going through it. Kind of upsetting and nerve wracking when people you thought were a great couple are falling apart. I suppose that just goes to show you how difficult life is and then throw another person into the mix and it can sometimes be a recipe for disaster. There are times I feel hopeful. I know I got gypped the first time around. There are times I think I will have better things as soon as I clear out all the old crap from my life. Now that I have gotten on a tangent I never thought or expected to write about….There are days I feel that should the opportunity present itself I would get remarried. Then there are days when I think that would be a bad mistake, or perhaps I am just scared to death of going through all the pain again should things fail. I suppose I will cross that bridge if and when I ever have to worry about it and right now is not the time to worry about it.

I am not the only one to lose a father at a young age as I can think of several others that have been in my shoes before I had….my father included as he lost his mother at the age of 19 of the same ugly disease that took his life. I am not the only person to have wanted children and never to have had them. I am not the only person to lose a job or be unemployed at the present moment as I can count dozens of them in seconds. I am not the only one to feel confused about life as I know about a handful or so right now that I can name. I know I am not alone but it still sucks! And that my friends, is all I have to say about that.

Until I write again……..