Soul Searching and Life Altering Decisions

                 Originally written: Monday, August 22, 2011


A lot has been happening in my life lately. This past weekend I was really feeling a bit blue and had wished that I had a laptop handy to just start writing. When you write in the moment, things are always more impactful than when you try to recall your exact feelings after the fact. Regardless, I made a lot of tough decisions and experienced a bit of heartache and disappointment along the way.


When I met my fiancée, well before he was even my fiancée, he was always months if not years ahead in our relationship. I’m not sure if he just had a gut feeling or saw a glimmer of possibilities between us and went out on a limb and went with it. To this day I tease him that on our third date, he started asking me what we were going to do with 2 King sized beds if we ever lived together. “Live together?”- I barely knew him. On our 5th date, he told me that he loved me and while I pretended that I did not hear him as there is no way possible that you can love someone, I mean really love someone after only 5 dates, he said it again to make sure I heard him. This prompted a discussion or e-mail debate about what love is. I mean love to me is not something I take lightly and it takes months and sometimes years to fully develop in its deepest levels.

Jumping ahead about 8 months and I would say just shy of a year ago to be exact, he started hinting to me if I would ever see myself living with anyone again and he wanted to know if I would consider moving in with him. At the time I knew I liked him, maybe even loved him, yet I was still getting to know him and not at that stage quite yet. I’m sure if you recall or look back you can read all about that one. Two weeks later, maybe three max, in early September of 2010 he started asking me if I ever saw myself having children and was hinting if I would have children with him. Forget the living together scenario, and we had completely bypassed the marriage conversation, he went straight to kiddie land. I would say sometime around November of last year he told me that he wanted to have children and thought that we should start trying next year (meaning mid to late this year). The whole situation and lack of normal progression in making such a large decision took me completely by surprise.

In February of this year, much to my surprise, although I did get a gut feeling it might be coming, he proposed to me. I do admit that while I did say yes, I was not quite sure I wanted to make that commitment at the time. (For the record, I am now 100% positive I am ready for that commitment and I can’t wait. Maybe the second time around is different as I am actually excited and I don’t know that I can say that about the last time I got married.) Anyway, we got engaged and then in April a bit sooner than my own personal timeline, we moved in together. While there has been a period of adjustment as is the case with any new situation, we have wonderful balance and things are going very, very well. But while we had gotten engaged in February, I was not prepared nor willing to commit to any type of conversation regarding wedding planning. It has nothing to do with my uncertainty as to this level of commitment, it was more to do with the fact that wedding planning is stressful and I wanted to focus at the time on school and passing my PHR exam which were my top priority this spring. I informed my fiancée that those discussions would need to wait until Memorial Day.

Well he must have been busting at the seams because as soon as Memorial Day rolled around, the wedding conversation commenced. Well, not before jumping ahead once again. In mid April we were relaxing outside for a bit after the stressful few weeks of moving and the topic of wedding came up. He told me that he would wait as he did not want to stress me out, but I allowed him to begin the conversation. Little did I know that this also opened up in his mind the topic of did I want to have kids, when and could we start right away- meaning in the next 2-3 months. Forget the wedding, we went straight to the kids. And looking back, while I can’t recall for certain, I think the reason we opted to get married this year versus next had to do with later options if we decided to have children.

Now fast forward a month or two. Wedding planning had commenced as I had successfully passed my PHR exam. With the passing of the exam and finishing of classes, not only did wedding plans move up to top priority but so did baby talk. For a man, he had baby fever like I have never seen. There was a time back last June when we went to Rhode Island which you can read back upon if you so desire. During the trip, an unexpected situation came about with a child and I thought what a horrible person and father he would be. After all, I personally think the way a man deals with children can say a lot about their character. Well I am pleased to say that I had him pegged very wrong on that one and I have no doubt he would be an excellent father and I can think of nobody better that I would want to have children with. He is patient, caring, loving, supportive and has so many good, NO- make that great qualities to teach and instill in a young impressionable mind.


I’m not sure how it came about, but perhaps in mid to late June I had agreed after what seemed like months and months of him begging in a polite manner, to have children……but not until the end of the summer. And then we finally set a wedding date and I got a beautiful dress so that pushed things back another month or two. As the summer draws to a close, I did a lot of thinking and truth be told, I am older, never envisioned having kids at this age and I like the freedom and flexibility that I have in my life. Plus our relationship is new and in an ideal world, if I was just getting married- I would take the time to really enjoy us before I complicated or changed things.

I think people that are older make better parents in some respect. The are more well rounded, have more life experiences under their belts and instill better values in their children, but that said, younger parents have the energy factor going for them. I can tell you right now that I don’t know that I have the energy that I did ten years ago. I think younger parents just go into it not knowing fully what to expect whereas older parent have weigh all the options and while nothing can fully prepare you for parenthood, they are more in the know. Now I think about things like the cost of daycare, college tuition, how it will impact my career and earning potential. I have to say that money has become a big deciding factor in the decision. I think when you are young and in love and it seems like the thing to do, you take the approach, “we will make it work” but are too immature to fully grasp what lies ahead.

Anywho- as time went on, I grew to like my new life and the flexibility it provided. I enjoy the quiet nights snuggling on the sofa in silence and those long conversations we haven until all hours of the night. I like sleeping late and going to bed at all hours. I like going out spur of the moment and having a child would change everything. Back and forth I went on this topic as it is not an easy decision. One way or another it changes your life forever. Which is the right decision? Which will I regret? Which will bring me more happiness? Which will cause me less struggle and financial turmoil? And which will afford me more options in life?

In the end, two weeks ago to be exact my fiancée convinced me that while it would be hard and challenging, we should have kids. I think we left off that we would start in October or shortly after our wedding. And while I agreed, I thought about it over the next few days and decided maybe I did not want to overhaul my life after all. Every time he brought up kids, I would ask, “do you really want to change all this?” I would point out every negative to having a kid as he would say.

In reality, all I ever wanted was to have kids. I knew it since the time I was a child. We had to do a project in the 2nd or 3rd grade- maybe 4th and we needed to write a report on what we wanted to be when we grew up. To be honest, I just wanted to be a housewife and a mom. For someone as driven and ambitions as me, that is not very inspiring, but it is the truth. Of course all my classmates wanted to be doctors or lawyers or other similarly prestigious professions so I very well could not write a paper on being a mom and a housewife - so I made something up to go along with the norm.

My first job was working in a children’s clothing store. I happened to work in the infants and toddlers division and was always surrounded by adorable little babies. I have no idea how it started, but somewhere along the line, I began collecting baby clothes. This was even before my previous marriage. All my managers questioned me or looked at me odd to see if I was hiding a teen pregnancy, but I was not. I was buying a print that was being discontinued that I fell in love with and knew they would make no more if I ever had children. It started with a layette line and snowballed into baby dresses, tuxedos, outfits, shoes, snowsuits and on and on. I have an entire chest of assorted baby items that I have literally been carting around for over 18 years.

When I went through my divorce I gave up on love, marriage and most of all on ever having children. I think I did such a good job of making peace with that fact that it is hard for me to go in any other direction. Yet when I moved for the second time, I had the opportunity to part with them. At that time I knew that my sister in law was pregnant with my niece and I very well could have given those items to my sister in law, yet I did not. I still have them and somewhere deep down inside I thought that I might have a better use for them one day….like my own. So for someone so dead set against having kids at my age, why can I not part with those old baby items when I had the chance?

I really could not explain it but I will go on to say that I did such a good job of defending my position to not have children, that I changed my fiancée around. Within two weeks of wanting to have children and reading up on it, he has decided that it would be simpler and he really does not want to have kids after all. He even told me that he was considering having a vasectomy so as not to take any chances. Perhaps it is the finality of the surgery when apparently I am undecided on the decision, but when he said that, it was like a giant knife was plunged into my heart. This is what I had been lobbying for all along, so why was I so upset when he told me that after giving it more thought, he did not want to have children.

I don’t know if he did it on purpose as this switch up is a tactic I learned in sales seminars or if I did such a good job of selling him, that he really no longer wants to have children. Perhaps it was the sudden 180 from two weeks prior that had taken me by surprise. Or the fact that for over a year he has been telling me that he wanted for us to have children and then all the sudden, just like that- something he felt so heartfelt and committed to- gone!


I was feeling so many emotions that I don’t even know what one or two or even three to call the news. Disappointment, heartbroken, devastated, shocked, surprised, confused. I don’t know what it was. If I am being 100% honest, when he said that, I started thinking- what is the purpose of living in this giant overpriced house. What the hell are we even getting married for. The whole point was so we could have children sooner rather than later if it ended up being the route we took. We sacrificed our family being at our wedding to start our own family and now that was not going to be the case either. This entire change of heart had me spending a good three days soul searching to find out why it was that I was as upset by his announcement as I was. I don’t know that I have all the answers but I did come to some conclusions.

In a former life, I tried for well over 5 years to have children. Unbeknown to me at the time, my ex was not able to have kids and looking back it was for the best that we never did. But every month for 5 years trying and failing- wondering what is wrong with you, wondering why everyone else could get pregnant and I could not, wondering why this lady I saw literally kicking her kid repeatedly in the parking lot in his ribs would make a better mother than I would. (And yes, you read right- this child was on the ground huddled by the tire of the car and the mother was kicking him in the ribs and head) Anyway- I have to say that that entire experience was one of the most emotional and painful experiences of my life. I mean so much so that I would put it right up there with the loss of my father. Perhaps I say I don’t want children to protect me from the pain of failure in the future. Perhaps it is easier to be OK with having kids but to not actually try to have kids for the fear of failure once again.

Then there is the fact that my fiancée and I have discussed possibly moving out of state, being able to go out on a whim with friends and to travel and see the world. Well this got me to thinking. One of his good friends, he does not see the point in vesting too much time in as they have announced they may be moving out of the country or the state in a few years. I made a really good friend about two years ago and she moved out of state for a job. There are people I was very close with at my last place of employment and after 2 years, I have lost touch with many of them or can’t seem to find the time to fit them in amongst other new events and friends that have entered my life. So here we are making a decision to not have kids and raise a family because of our friends. Friends that may come and go, friends that we may lose touch with voluntarily or involuntarily. We are choosing to give all that up so we can go out on a whim, travel and do things with friends that we have no interest (or at least he has no interest) in vesting any more time into because they will not be around forever.


Well they say you can pick your friends but you can’t pick your family. I have seen this work in both directions and mainly people say it when there is a less desirable person you are unfortunately related to. But after all is said and done, they also say that friends come and go but family is forever. This got me to thinking……. If all our friends moved away, heck- if we decided for whatever reason to pick up and move to another state, we would know no one. We would be starting completely from scratch. Sure we would meet new people eventually, but those friends we put our lives on hold for would be gone forever. Family on the other hand would not. Yes it is more complicated. Yes it is much cheaper and requires less sacrifice to not have children, but family will always be the one constant you have in your life. If I move cross country, my friends are staying here, but my kids will always be with me (at least until they are 18 or 20 and even then they will be a big part of my life.)


We decided not to have a children because of the cost and the fact that this house we are living in is well above our means (or at least it could be if we had another mouth or two to feed or support.) But I am going to put my life on hold over where I live. The house can catch fire and burn to the ground, but God willing, we all get out safely. The house is a pile of ashes, but I have the love of my family to rebuild somewhere else.

Travel….. we decided that it will be our goal to travel the world, or at least parts of it. Italy, France, Greece, Mexico. My personal dream would be to go to Fiji or Bora Bora and stay over a hut in the water. All breathtaking and memorable life experiences. But is it not also memorable when your child tells you they love you for the first time. Is it not also memorable when you child graduates, is the star of a school play, get some award and you look on with pride and say- “that is my kid!” My father used to always say that he regrets ever having kids. He points out what great things he could have done if he didn’t have to make all those sacrifices he did for his kids. I’d like to think that if he were alive today he might take all that back, but I will never know for certain. Putting aside the fact that my father was an ass, I can see how having children in the ultimate sacrifice one can make, but it can also be the ultimate reward. I mean traveling to a foreign country and watching your child flourish knowing you had a part in that process- the two are unparalleled.

All I am saying is that life is too short. I don’t want to regret a decision I make now for years to come, but I suppose it is too late. After a year of asking, I finally give in and I did a top notch job of getting my opponent to change their mind. Perhaps it is the fact the mentally I have been preparing myself or he has been preparing me to go one direction and then just like that- Game over….new players, new rules!

I write tonight just to get this off my chest. Not that it will change anything, but just for my own satisfaction, and perhaps so that one day I may look back upon it. There are no easy answers when you decide to take a big plunge like this one. A few weeks from now, I may change my mind again. But the fact that his change of heart elicited such a strong response from me has to tell me something. I think I am too old (which I do) but there is someone a year older than I at work and she is about to have triplets. Even at her age, she had a dream of having a family and she did not back away from it. Granted some fertility drugs must have been involved which I am not prepared to do, but she did not back down from her dream to take the easier way out.

Look at me- I busted my ass in school this past winter. I survived a divorce, two job losses, the death of my father- all within a years time and it did not break my spirits, nor did I give up when times got tough because it was the easier thing to do. Life throws me a challenge and I take it head on. I either beat it or it beats me, but in the end, I am a better person as a result of the experience and not too many people can say that.

There may be some things here that I have not expressed or perhaps I have not expressed as well vocally when I discussed this topic with my fiancée, but there is nothing he is going to read here that should surprise him. He knows how I feel now and he chooses to stand his ground. The situation is what it is. I just kick myself for waiting so long to come to this realization…..for waiting until it was too late.

In the end, while I am not super religious, I do believe there is a higher power and they have a better plan for all of us. I now know why it was not meant for me to have children with my ex in a former life, perhaps there too is a reason I am not meant to have children in this life either. In the end it is what it is and I will just have to be OK with it. Perhaps I am just upset because I went back to the “wanting to try” and have kids that was such a painful part of my past versus the “being Ok with the idea” of having kids. Somewhere out there, there is a bigger plan for me….I will just have to wait to see what it is and be pleasantly surprised when it unfolds itself.


Until I write again…….