Delight and Taken off guard

I suppose in life there are things you expect, anticipate or prepare yourself for. Sure there are the unexpected events or emergencies/ accidents that you can’t always prepare yourself for in advance, but for the most part, there have been few things that truly took me off guard. (Well maybe more than a few, but the writing was on the wall so not a total surprise.)

When I was getting divorced or preparing to do so- no surprise. I had seen that one coming for years as it had always been a troubled marriage and my ex was a real piece of work. When they say love is blind, they are not kidding.

When I lost my job (the first time), business had been slow, they were cutting salaries, reduced my work week, stopped giving out bonuses. I was semi surprised but always in the back of my mind knew there was a possibility. Now the second time I lost my job- well that one took me by surprise.

When my father passed away, while sad and bad timing on the heels (or actually the day) of my mom’s birthday; not really a surprise. To other family member perhaps, but I knew he was sick and on top of all else, when he was thrown off the list for the liver transplant and unexpectedly diagnosed with stomach/ intestinal cancer- I knew it was only a matter of time. At that point he was so weak and frail. His body was not strong enough to withstand chemo which was his only option at the time. I knew the prognosis was not good either way and I tried to tell him to hold off and build up his strength, but when he said “I might as well get it over with before I change my mind and decide to die”, I knew it was a matter of time. To be honest, I told my brother and sister to spend what time they could with him as I gave him two weeks tops after he started treatments. It turns out he died the day he was to start his first treatment, shortly after midnight when the calendar would reflect a day other than my mom’s birthday which unfortunately was spent in intensive care signing DNR orders and preparing for my father’s final moments. While sad and very sudden, not expecting that day to be the day, I can’t say I was surprised my father had passed. It just happened a bit sooner than we were all prepared for. But given the way he suffered and I mean truly suffered in the end, I made peace with the fact he was finally at rest. A day I will never forget for as long as I should live, but not something that I can say took me off guard- at least not the bigger picture outcome anyway.

But every now and then you get thrown off guard and are at a loss for how to respond or perhaps it just takes your brain and thoughts a while to catch up to what is happening or what has just happened. The other day I had one of those moments.

It was late on Monday evening- close to midnight to be a bit more precise. I had been writing the three previous blog entries and while they were written, I did not have time to edit or post them. I figured I would get to that the next day, (but I did not.) I told you about how for a year my fiancée wanted to have children and while we went back and forth on the topic, I finally agreed, then was uncertain and then much to my surprise, he had changed his mind feeling it would complicate things into the future. This change of heart prompted me to do some serious soul searching and I came to the conclusion that if I did not have children while I had the chance, I may look back and seriously regret it in the future. Now as I well know from my past relationship, just because you plan to have children does not me that it will be the case, but there is a difference between trying and seeing if it happens and not even trying at all and having to look back with regret.

Fast forwarding some as to not bore you with the details all over again, after he had changed his mind, I decided that I wanted to have kids after all. I always had and felt that if I did not, it may be a big oversight on my part. I expressed to my fiancée how I felt and my arguments as to why I had changed my mind. When all was said and done, he told me that it was good to know, “But as of right now I am leaning more one way than the other and that it to not have children”. I was somewhat devastated and mad at myself for waiting so long or should I say too long to make that decision. As you should well know by now; whenever I am struggling or troubled with things, writing helps me to get things of my chest and clear my mind. So the other night I finally set aside the time to sit down and write. I said what I needed to say and figured if it is meant to be it will be and if not, Oh well- perhaps there is a greater plan in store for me in this lifetime.

It was late and I had a few things to do when I was done writing so I left the posting of the blog for another night, did my house chores, showered and then headed to bed. By this time my fiancée was home from a night of beach volleyball with his friends. I was tired, it was late and mentally I was a bit spent. I had a lot of my mind, one of which was the doctor appointment that day which brought me undesirable news for a Monday morning. I climbed into bed and my fiancée rolled over next to me to ask me how my day was. We made small talk for a bit and then he told me that he wanted to have kids with me and asked me if I would want to be the mother of his children. After all the back and forth this past weekend I responded by saying, “You know I would.” Not only had he decided after all that he did want to have children, but he thought it would be a good idea to start right then and there. Hence the “taken off guard”. Not only had he completely and unexpected and quite instantaneously changed his mind from not wanting to have children at all to wanting to have them but he wanted to get started ASAP.

He felt that if he changed his mind again I would be upset with him or anxious. All along the back and forth was driving me a bit nutty, but partly that is my fault as I was more on the fence than he. It took me a very long time to get to this point. Honestly I was happy that FINALLY we were on the same page with this topic. Now as for starting right away….I am currently on the fence with that one. The original plan was to talk in September after the summer was out. Then with the wedding the following month, we had left off about 2 or three weeks ago that we would start in October after we were married. I think I like that plan better but he is convince it may take a while and may not even happen at all. We are both happy to try and start a family but also equally happy should that not be the plan for us. In the end, at least we tried. Better to try and it not be meant (for us which we are prepared to deal with )than to not try and have regrets years from now always looking back thinking “what if…..” I am now torn on the issue of when to start.

I want to enjoy our vacation/ wedding/ honeymoon. I am not a drinker at all. Should I have 2 or 3 alcoholic beverages a year that is a lot for me. But when I am in a tropical locale and it is included and seems refreshing, I would like be able to take a sip or two or three. Hell… I might even splurge and finish the entire glass. He wants to hike a mountain. We talked of zip lining, jet skiing and other activities that normally I would not second guess. There are no guarantees that things will happen for us any time soon or at all for that matter, but I don’t want to second guess anything I do or have to sit activities out that I otherwise would jump right in and enjoy doing. And at the time he suggested “Starting now” I was thinking about my trip to the doctor and the possible medical test I may have to go for. CT scans expose you to a bit of radiation and the other test involves anesthesia. Not exactly the best timing to start planning for a child.

I am delighted to report that the other day I got a call from the doctor. My labs came back and there was no blood found in my urine after all. More medical testing would not be necessary. I always try my best not to worry unnecessarily but you can’t help from thinking the worst so you are not taken off guard. Had something been wrong, I would have at least had a heads up. The baby thing on the other hand- completely unexpected. The timing of things - well, I am still uncertain but maybe this is one of those times when you have to let life take you where it does when it does. If it is meant to be and when it is meant to be are not entirely in my control. Sometimes in life we need to sit back and enjoy the ride.

Until I write again…..