Hearts, Cupids and Updates

It is Valentine’s Day and most of the world is with their someone special, but tonight I am spending the evening with my mother. I would have preferred to have other plans or even had a simple dinner home with the boyfriend but I guess I did such a good job of downplaying this Hallmark created holiday that the thought did not even cross his mind to want to spend the day with me. And to be honest, I was a bit annoyed with something that happened over the weekend so I did not bother to suggest it either. So I suppose if there is anyone to blame, I am partly responsible.

In the past, my ex ruined just about every day in my life never mind the special occasions and what were supposed to be the memorable moments. Because of him there was a point in which I stopped celebrating just about everything and lost interest in things like Valentine’s Day, Christmas gifts, anniversaries and birthdays. But then a year ago someone wonderful crossed my path and little by little I had a renewed interest in certain things. Now don’t get me wrong, I still think Valentine’s Day is not a real holiday and something that card companies, jewelers and candy companies capitalize on, but nonetheless, if you have that someone special in your life, you should make the attempt to spend time together. I’m not exactly sure what happened in my case but it is what it is. So in an attempt not to sulk I am blogging instead. My entire office was talking about their plans for the evening and then when they asked what I was doing I told them “nothing”. Tomorrow will be a new day and this will be a thing of the past, but today it stings a bit. I have that someone special in my life and I am still upset by the fact I am home with mom so I can only imagine how the single people in the world must feel. If it makes you feel better, it is a stupid holiday!

Now since I am home with Mom this evening, I should probably tell you that I came home to brownies baking in the oven, giant shrimp cocktail chilling in the fridge and jumbo king crab legs the size of my thigh waiting to be cooked up. (Boyfriend who?) Sometimes living with Mom is not so bad…like today, but the rest of the time, she drives me nuts. It is like we are polar opposites in some respects. I love her because she is my mother and she has always been there for me, supported me, encouraged me and sacrificed for me, but leaving the nest and then having to come back home makes every day a constant challenge. Most times I am not home on the weekends, I spend them at my boyfriend’s place where it is peaceful and clean. But truth be told, going from place to place has me feeling like a nomad at times. I am looking forward to the day when home feels like home and not a temporary landing spot. Speaking of which, after months and months of back and forth, my boyfriend has decided that he will be moving back into his house in the next few months and had decided to make arrangements with his current tenant to end her lease earlier than she was legally obligated to stay and pay. As such, with a place to live and some plans in place, he has notified me with delight of his decision and his desire to have me one day live there with him.

There are tons of details to work out and nothing is set in stone, but in the spring, I may move in with him. I would be lying if I did not say that I was scared, nervous, anxious and wondering if I was doing the right thing. Not so much because of him or because I question the two of us and our future, but after coming from a failed marriage where you thought you had a clear cut plan for the future and then after watching it all unravel, you proceed with caution and keep a watchful eye for things that may be clear predictors of future disaster that you may have overlooked the first time around.

I like to have control over things. I like to think that I have a plan for my life but the reality of the situation is that nothing is certain, not everything in your life can be controlled by you and not everything goes according to plan. I try to hope for the best possible outcome, prepare myself for the worst and then go with the flow and see where life takes me. Sometimes that is all you can do….go with the flow because I will be damned if I can figure out the course of my life. When I think to far in advance, I get myself anxious, confused, upset or find myself comparing myself to everyone else and where they are and I am not but had hoped to be. Perhaps I should do a better job of following my own advice but what really matters in life is YOU and if you are happy with who you are, where you are headed, what you have accomplished and if you can go to bed at night with a clear conscious knowing you are a good person, have tried your hardest and that no matter what anyone else may think of you, that you are proud of yourself. Remember that- you matter, what you think matters and everyone else….well they are just spectators.
So let me tell you what I know about my life and what I am proud of. Let me share with you my short term goals and what is presently happening.

Well for starters, I love to write but have not been able to put the time in like I would have liked, hence no entry for a month. I started school towards the end of January and well, as a result, I basically have no life and not an ounce of free time. (Except of course for tonight because I left the evening open in case I was doing something special with that special someone.) Last Saturday I had my first two exams and I scored a 93 and 97 respectively. I would say that is a good start and certainly making my long nights of study worth the investment. The school thing sucks, I am not going to lie to you but I just keep thinking it is temporary, it will be over by mid May and I will be a better person and hopefully a smarter person as a result. I am hoping to take and pass my PHR exam and then I am hoping it will lead my career in a whole new direction down the line. (That or a job that actually pays me what I am worth.)

I can tell you that I am stressed. Life is hectic and school adds to that. Study and test and then my personal mission to raise money in memory of my father on behalf of the American Liver Foundation. If you start from the very beginning of my blog, you will see what I went through taking care of my father, watching him die and then burying him. (Here is the link to what it was like to watch him pass : A very sad day but a peaceful one )


I decided to make something good come of it and try and help others. And well perhaps for selfish reasons, at a time when I felt like my life was a failure in every aspect, it made me feel like I had a purpose and was making a difference, even if insignificant at best in the grand scheme of things. The team is called Tony’s Ribs-a-Flappin and on my personal page, you can read why I named the team that. Perhaps I should rephrase and say the team I am hoping to build. Last year I had a good team. I guess because it was the year of my father’s passing and I had the sympathy thing going on, but there were others, like my brother that told me I was a joke and wasting everyone’s time. Somewhere in previous blogs you can find mention of that and what took place. (This link should hopefully bring you back to that entry should you be interested to read about it. A teary bedtime story )

In any event, I vowed to walk every year that I was able to help people suffering from what my father had gone through. As I just mentioned, last year perhaps the sympathy thing was working in my favor but I had a good team and we raised over $10,000. I was so proud but it was like pulling teeth with some and they let it be known that I was never to ask them to get involved again. So this year I am starting the team up again anticipating even less support, involvement and a greater challenge. With school, I regrettably don’t have the time to implement any of the ideas I spent the last year thinking of doing to raise funds for the cause, but I am not a hypocrite and am a woman of my word. When I say I am going to do something, I do it. So another year and another challenge…..and more stress in an already stressful life.


At this point, all I really have had the time to do so far is set up my page. I sent out a few requests for people to join my team, but so far no bites except for one. I need to step it up some and am about to ask for donations but I wonder if it is too soon or if I will continue to get no reply. I understand that not everyone is of financial means. So many in this world are unemployed, struggling financially or dealing with other personal issues and as such they just can’t be bothered. Well to anyone that is reading this blog, I challenge you to give up one cup of coffee, one lunch out, one pack of cigarettes and put that money towards a greater good. I know it does not seem like much, but it everyone sacrificed one little thing of insignificant value (say a $5 cup of coffee in the morning), all those little contributions add up and could pave the way to new medicines, research or treatment methods that save lives. And while I hate to say it, my father’s liver disease is hereditary and the money I help raise today, may even save the life of a close family member, friend or perhaps I could be doing this to save my own life one day.


Anyway, I am sure you are not interested and probably don’t care, but if there is a part of you that is even the least bit curious, I ask you to take a look and take me up on the $5 challenge. (Anonymous donations are accepted and I promise you it is for a good cause.)

Take a look if you have 2 minutes at how you can get involved:  My personal fundraising mission

OK- enough about my personal plug and fundraising mission….back to my life because I know that is what you really want to hear about.

As I told you a blog or two ago, my sister-in-law is pregnant. She just had her second sonogram and the baby while only about 2 inches long is swimming all around, had identifiable fingers and a head. My brother is so excited and my sister-in-law…well lets just say that she is barely showing, moody as all hell and already blaming my brother for “doing this to me”. The next few months could prove to be very interesting for various reasons.

While I am on the topic of babies and pregnancies, if you read 2 blogs ago, you should know that the news of the baby did not quiet have the anticipated reaction. Last week I heard rumor from my sister-in-law that my sister is thinking about having a baby as well. Of course if you ask my sister she swears she hates kids and why bother so you can put them in day care for hours a day and have no life. Honestly, I think that is her defense mechanism to the rest of us, but as she does not talk to my sister-in-law on a regular basis being that she is out in Las Vegas, perhaps she thought it was OK to share it with her. If I am being honest, I have to admit that that news stung a bit as well. I turn 35 in 2 months and well let’s just say that I never thought I would be where I am today. You see my brother and sister are still young enough to make some of these decisions in life and I don’t feel that I have the luxury or time on my side. Living with Mom at 35 certainly wasn’t the plan I had envisioned for myself. So I will watch my brother and possibly my sister raise their kids and I would be lying if I did not say I will probably be very jealous or felting as if I had missed out on something miraculous in life. But such is life – going with the flow, remember? Sometimes life hands you exactly what you want, sometimes it hands you exactly what you don’t want, sometimes it pleasantly surprises you and other times it disappoints you. All you can do is make peace with things, accept what you have been given and do your best to be OK with it, knowing that sometimes things very much beyond your control happen for a reason.


Speaking of out of my control, there is the matter of my divorce which is still dragging on. April will mark 2 years but luckily it does not look as if I will have to wait that long. Last week much to my pleasant surprise, I looked online as I have done each morning for over 6 months and there was actually an update posted. I found out back in December that my paperwork had been submitted in October after my lawyer had forgotten for over 6 months. I was lucky enough to get a very nice old woman to the phone that helped me the best she could. She probably was not supposed to share the information she did with me but when I told her my lawyer took my money and forgot about me, she was kind enough to look a few things up and then told me I could call back in another 2 weeks. So every day I checked the website and every week I called for any status changes. And every week, “Nothing yet, try back in two weeks.” Well last week there was an update. Something is in progress; a judge must actually be looking at my case. And because divorces are a matter of public record, you can pretty much look up anyone’s if you know where to look. So after seeing my update, giggling like a school girl at my desk which prompted and explanation from my co-workers, I then began to stalk the other cases of the lucky divorcees that came before me. As a result of my efforts, I concluded that unless there is something seriously wrong with my paperwork (which there better not be), a judgment of divorce should follow in the next 5-10 days. So finally after months and months of anticipation, I think I am literally in the final count down. Of course there is a holiday next Monday for President’s Day and if the wind blows the wrong way state workers get off with pay, but barring any misdirection of the wind and holidays that may pop up out of nowhere, I am hoping to be said and done with all this by next week.

The next big decision is to change the name back or not change the name back. There was a time that this was a no-brainer. I wanted nothing to do with that man- name included. My hopefully very soon to be ex is playing games with the IRS, has all sorts of people including the NY State Attorney General after him and I certainly don’t want to bare any name that may tie me back to that. I suppose it is in my best interest to change my name and I suspect I will, but it is a lot of hassle. Paperwork mostly, but there are dozens and dozens of forms, documents, accounts and the like that need to be changed. Licenses, car titles, bank accounts, retirement accounts, credit cards, passports and probably dozens of other things I have yet to think of. My first inclination is to get it all done ASAP but if the logical me steps up to bat for a second, there is then the matter of me hoping to move in the next few months which would then prompt me to start all over with more changes. Oh and in a complete 180 from finalizing my divorce, my boyfriend has been hinting like crazy about what type of engagement ring I might like. I am fully aware that that may not happen, may not happen in a timely fashion and the events that follow such a proposal may not take place in a timely fashion either, but that leaves the question or a possibly third change of information. Now while I am always up for a challenge and one has yet to scare me away, I am also all about efficiency and not wasting time by doing the same thing over and over again. I suppose I have no idea how the third situation will play out and therefore it should not even be a factor in my decision making process but I told you that if I think about it, you will know about it and so now you do.

Well I have already been writing for what seems like hours at this point. I have taken breaks for my yummy crab legs and even some tea and brownies. I think at this point I am going to call it a night. I guess things happen for a reason because my mother did tell me during dinner that she was glad I was hear with her this Valentine’s Day otherwise she would have been very, very depressed. Things like this make it hard to leave her, but I do know that my life must go on. And right about now, as I have no exiting plans for the rest of the evening, I might as well see if I can get some study time in before bed.

Happy Valentine’s Day to all the lonely soles out there and just remember, tomorrow, none of what happened today or did not happen today will matter.

Until I write again…..