From one extreme to the other...

When you hear the phrase “life is very unpredictable” or “you never know where life is going to take you”- believe it.

In one of my last few entries I told you that I had just went online and found out that after years of waiting and years or marital torment, my divorce ironically was made official on Valentine’s Day. I now have a new found respect for and reason to celebrate that “Hallmark holiday”. Last week I was on divorce high and knowing that I was no longer associated in any way with a man that should a) be behind bars and b) be in a psych ward somewhere was an amazing feeling. All week I smiled from ear to ear and nothing was going to take that smile off my face. I was going around the office telling everyone I was a free woman. Anyone that had even heard one or two of the stories of what my ex put me through was so excited for me. Hell, I was excited for myself. I almost got a group of people together last minute and threw myself a divorce party, but I didn’t.

I did however go out to celebrate with my family as soon as I found out. Now way back when I first separated from my ex, my mother found a decal that you iron on your shirt that said “Finally Free” with some butterflies around it. At the time she told me that I should put it on a T-shirt and wear it proudly, but I never felt I was completely FREE until this past Valentine’s day. So I took that decal and I put it in the file cabinet with my separation agreement and other divorce documentation and waited, and waited and waited. When I thought I was close, I bought a T-shirt to iron it on. Then the seasons changed and I needed to buy another T-shirt….. and then another. Finally I gave up - how was I supposed to know that my lawyer was going to let my paperwork sit on her desk for over 6 months collecting dust.

Well the night I found out it was “official” I called my mom who called my brother and we planned a little dinner party. Of course, my first order of the day was to stop off at a store on the way home to buy a new T-shirt. As luck would have it, my mother called to say she was running a bit late as she had to run a quick errand. As it turns out; she went out to buy a T-shirt as well. She came home with a few, as did I and with T-shirts everywhere, we decided which was the best one and we proudly ironed my “Finally Free” decal onto a T-shirt which I proudly wore to dinner that evening. It wasn’t done intentionally, but I wanted the decal a little off to the side and it ended up over my right breast. When I arrived at the restaurant and saw my brother, I pulled my jacket to the side and said “Look”. His initial reaction was, “Why are you showing me your boob?” When I told him to read it, he began to laugh as did everyone else.

Since I had not worn the T-shirt for too long and it was now one of my favorites, I decided to wear it again on the weekend when I went out with my boyfriend. We went to a museum- nothing to write home about, and the mall where I was looking for a necklace my sister wanted for her birthday. This of course had me in a jewelry store with my man. He had been hinting for weeks now about what kind of ring I wanted, the cut, size, color of the metal etc. I’m not sure if I had told you, but the conversation made me somewhat uncomfortable. He had mentioned to me in the past that he was thinking of maybe June and wanted to save up some so I figured he was just starting to get some ideas. But I think part of me feeling uncomfortable is that I pushed my ex to hurry up and ask me and we all know how that turned out. (In all fairness, it took him 9 years to do so.) There is also this girl at work that is itching for a ring. That is all she talks about. She nags her poor boyfriend every chance she gets and I swore I would never be like her. I also know that after being married and having it fall apart, a ring is meant as a symbol and big or small, expensive or cheap- it really is just a piece of jewelry that can be lost, stolen or in the case of much of my jewelry- sold by the one who gave it to you.

My boyfriend is a good person, he is honest, respectful, caring and he has been working so hard over the past year to save up to move back into his house, pay off all his debt and start a better life for himself and possibly one day us. There is the part of me that feels if something is meant to be- it will be and I was not about to force it. I was never going to be the one to push for a ring, nag about it or make him feel pressured. And after seeing how hard he is working and how much he is saving- I certainly was not going to be the one to ask him to take his hard earned money and spend it on me. And so every time he would ask what kind of ring I wanted, I would feel uncomfortable talking about it. I also did not think we were at that point yet. We had just decided to move in together and were going to work through those details. Apparently after my past experiences I am a bit skeptical and have some commitment issues.

Anyway, we were in the jewelry store looking for my sister and my boyfriend manages to make his way to the engagement ring counter and starts asking me what I like. He was asking if I like “this” or “that” trying to get me to react or open up. Honestly, I was not of much help and when one lady came over to tell me to try a few on, I was out of there like a bat out of hell. Talk about uncomfortable.

Now before I bore you with more details, let me move along. I told you that I had celebrated my divorce with my family. Originally my boyfriend wanted for just the two of us to celebrate but that ended up not being the case. Sometime mid last week he got the idea to go to brunch at a place I was hinting that I wanted to go to. He decided we would go- just the two of us to “celebrate”. I explained that my divorce did not need to turn into a one week celebration but he insisted. So on Sunday, February 20, 2011, my boyfriend and I went out to have brunch and celebrate what I thought was the last of my divorce excitement. He started off the brunch by offering a toast “To new beginnings” which I did not give much thought to at the time. It turns out it really was to new beginnings.

So here we are having brunch. The food is so scrumptious and this couple sits down midway through and are talking about their wedding which they apparently just booked. They were talking about all the vendors they have selected and that they were just 9 months out. Nine months out? What was she doing- giving birth? At this point, I am laughing at them because after being married once and seeing the money you waste by being caught up in that “special moment”, it becomes comical when you see others basically getting caught up in the same thing. Now normally my boyfriend would be laughing right alongside me. We both had the big expensive weddings and in the past when he asked me if I would ever consider getting married again, I do recall telling him “possibly, but it would be small and I would NEVER go crazy and spend the money I had in the past.” This past summer as he was helping me print out invitation and get stuff done for my brother’s wedding we both made comments like – “been there, done that- not going back.” I am not so sure it is the actual idea of marriage I am against as much as the production and financial burden it becomes to put on a “show” for the rest of your friends and family. I mean when you get down to it- people get married in a simple Vegas weddings and live happily for years and years. Then you have the celebrities that have million dollar weddings and in a year they are on the cover of some tabloid that they are breaking up. Anyway, the point I am making is that you get caught up and do like everyone else the first time around and after that- you start to see that marriage is not about the money or the “show”.

So here I am at the table laughing at these people. Normally my boyfriend would have been laughing right with me but all the sudden he gets this serious look on his face and he says, “Stop laughing at them. It is not funny.” “Since when is it not funny?” I reply as I raise my champagne glass and said “Here’s to divorce!” Again, he tells me that it is not funny. When I again ask why it is not funny he tells me, “I will tell you in a minute.” By this point he is starting to act weird- checking his watch, acting so serious when normally he would be joining in on the fun. And then there is me- still laughing at these fools about to throw thousands of dollars away on a wedding to possibly end up like me one day. By this time I am curious why it is not funny so I again repeat, “Tell me why it is not funny.” He tells me, “That it just isn’t .” Apparently he informed me that I would see why in a minute and “Let them have their moment.” A bit confused I let it go but when he started checking his watch yet again, I thought it was a bit odd. By this point, I am thinking maybe he has something planned and we are supposed to go somewhere after this that I don’t know about. But he is normally not a clock watcher so what gives?

Some time had passed but I am still sitting there trying to figure it out and the more he looks at the time, the more I question “Tell me why I am not laughing”. Next thing you know this ring box gets placed on the table. I had already told you he had been heavily hinting about what type of ring I wanted, what was the size of my ring finger etc. etc. Since he was so persistent with the size of my finger, I gave him an old ring that was still a bit too big and told him to just take it. At the time, I thought he would be holding onto it for a while but I was not overly concerned about getting it back in a timely fashion.

So here we are sitting at brunch, I am laughing at these people and he is being all serious telling me to “let them have their moment” when a box comes across the table. He says, “OH, by the way, here is your ring back.” At this point I am starting to suspect that something is up but it was the old box I gave him so he did not lose my ring carrying it around lose. I take the box, say “Thank you” and throw it into my purse without thinking. (OK…. so maybe I was thinking a little but I was also thinking “it couldn’t be”.) I was part watching his reaction as I was now turning serious too trying to figure out why the couple spending their life savings on a wedding was all the sudden not funny to him.

Cool as a cucumber my boyfriends says, “You know…when they were looking at your ring, the guy said it is worth more than you think it is.” To this I just replied, “OK.” He counters with, “NO, really I think it is worth a lot more than you think. You should take a look.” Starting to suspect something by this time but still thinking “this couldn’t be”, I calmly reply back “that’s OK, I know what it looks like.” Waiting to see his next move he says, “You really should take a look. It is a much better ring than you think.” Now with my heart pounding out of my chest, I take the ring from my purse and cautiously open the box to discover that this old ring box I lent him now contains a brand new, sparkly, shinny diamond ring.

If I am being honest with you, from this point on, everything is a giant blur. I think I may have looked up and said, “What are you doing?” and then “Are you sure about this?” He told me later what he said and it was quite beautiful but I unfortunately recall none of it. I was too taken off guard, thinking “oh my God people are starting to stare at me” and thinking “now I know why it was not funny and he told me to let them have their moment”. I recall him making some sort of speech….blah, blah, blah….I would like you to be my wife. Or was it I would like you to marry me? I told you it is all a blur. I was only half listening because I was in shock and knowing that he rushed into things the first time, I was questioning if he was sure. All I know is after the will you be my wife or will you marry me one day speech, I managed to muster out the words “Of course.”

I do have to admit that the timing was a bit odd and there is a part of me that wishes he had waited or at least separated the two events but when I entitled my blog From one extreme to the next, I was not kidding. From divorce to engaged in less than a weeks’ time.
I never saw this one coming- I honestly did not. Parts of me were suspecting that it might be sooner than I thought but like I said, I was thinking the entire time leading up to this day “it couldn’t be”. I guess in the end I was wrong and this only goes to show you that in the game of life anything is possible and I do mean anything. Life has been very tough on me over the past few years, but my rainbow is starting to expand nicely in that big blue sky above my head. Many a times I have wanted to give up, take the easy route, do what others do and not push myself or keep fighting the good fight when times got touch. There was a time when I gave up on love and thought anyone that got married was a complete and utter fool. At the time I separated from my ex I honestly believe that was it- the best life had to offer and there was nothing more to life than my troubling memories. He was mentally abusive towards me on top of everything else and told me that no one would ever put up with me - that no one would ever love me. He even went so far as to say that my dead Grandmother told him in a dream that if I were to go on and meet someone else, I would eventually be beaten as this new person would be physically abusive. He manipulated me and tried to control me and he tried to make me think I was this rotten person with all sorts of unacceptable flaws. It took a lot of courage and strength to leave him, but if living with him was all life had to offer, I was prepared to take my chances.

I went through some very hard times in life, in love and with my divorce. I saw a quote one day and I read it every day. It kept me going during my darkest hours and to this day, it has proven to be correct and I am so glad I believed it to be true at the time. I’d like to share that with you today. It goes like this:


By going through changes in our lives, we often have to suffer a loss or feel a loss. But very often, this loss is replaced with something which turns out to be better than we imagined. The only way to know what awaits you is to choose to work through it and Embrace the Power of Change.


Until I write again…..