Completely Shocked and Unexpected Emotions

Well Happy New Year everyone! My New Years Eve took a bit of an unexpected turn. I heard a song that my father danced to my sister with at her wedding and I needed to leave the room because I had to hold back my tears. Of course in the bathroom you could hear the song anyway so leaving the room did not really serve to fix anything. From that point on, I have to admit I was a bit upset and not into the New Years spirit. I stepped away to call my mom a bit after midnight and unexpectedly found myself upset. It dawned on me that this was probably the first New Years of my life that I was not with my parents. And it was the first ever that my father was not even around to wish a Happy New Years to.

The next day I have to admit I was feeling a bit melancholy. I am not quite sure why and never did figure it out. I suppose sometimes it just happens. As I probably mentioned almost a year ago- I hate New Years. For some reason it depressed me every year- looking back at what I have not done in life, where the year ahead will take me. Not really sure why I let it get to me, but I do….and every year. For some reason I felt as if I had nothing meaningful or exciting to look forward to. I did make a lot of progress last year despite all the bad and unexpected turn of events that took place in 2010, but for some reason, I never went into this year with a list of things I wanted to strive for or try and make happen.

Then there is the fact that next week will mark the one year anniversary of the death of my father. I sat by his bedside and watched him literally die right before my eyes. I removed the pulse ox and oxygen from his nose and reached my hand over his forehead and as I dragged my hands down his face, I closed his eyelids so he could rest in peace. Never, ever did I think I would be the one to close my father’s eyes when he passed away. It was almost a year ago and yet I remember it vividly as if it just happened yesterday. I try and think that time has passed and time heals all wounds but I have no idea what kind of state I will be in next week.

The other day I was driving to work and I heard a song on the radio. I had never heard it before and don’t even know what it is called but the lyrics said something to the effect that a “father’s love never dies. Even though I may not be here my love never dies and I will see you through the times in your life.” All I know is that I started out in a good mood but unexpectedly found myself crying on my drive to work. But if that is not enough, I think the real shocking news came about an hour ago.

I had just gotten home from a chiropractors appointment. They think I have herniated disks in my neck and may want to send me for an MRI. Of course I am calculating in my head how much the test will cost me after unexpectedly having to get tires on my car last week for another $600. Anyway….. I went off on a tangent but the original point was that I had just gotten home and barely had my coat off when the phone rang. I saw on the caller ID that it was my brother so I picked up when normally I would have let it go to the machine. He asked where my mother was and I told him that I had just gotten home and sometimes on Tuesdays she goes to her Weight Watchers meeting. The next thing out of his mouth was, “you better call and tell her when she leaves there she had better go to Kids R Us because my woman is having a baby.” Naturally I thought it was a joke but it turns out it was not.

To be honest, for a woman with so many words, I just stood there holding the phone with a blank, shocked look on my face and not knowing what to say or how to react. I could not tell if this was a good thing for them or something unexpected so I kind of played it by ear for a bit. It turns out they are both ecstatic. My brother of course thinks he is Mr. Super Sperm and bragging about what a good job he did. I think after my father died, he realized life was short and wanted to have kids even prior to getting married in September but his wife or then “wife to be” wanted to at least wait until the nuptials were over with. The family was all taking bets on how soon it would be and my brother joked they were trying on their honeymoon, but I really thought they were kidding. I guess not!

So my baby brother is going to be a father. I have to admit that the reaction I had when I got off the phone was somewhat mixed. At first I said- “OH shit, I just bought them a shower gift, forked over money for a wedding present and now I have to start buying baby gifts…. What’s up with that?” After that reaction, I just felt numb inside. Part of me for some reason felt very sad and the first thing that came to my mind was that I had to write and figure out why I am so numb. To tell you the truth, part or me is upset- like really upset and I have no idea why I feel the way that I do right now. I should be happy for him- for them, but instead I find myself feeling very sorry for myself right now.

I remember a few years back when my younger sister called to tell me that she had just bought a house out in Las Vegas. I remember I had the same reaction. I held back my emotions on the phone, told her a big congratulations and tried my hardest to sound like I meant it and then when I got off the phone, I fell apart. At the time I was going through some really rough patches in my marriage. I was working like crazy to make ends meet, save for a better life and it just hit me like a dull knife right through the heart. At the time I remember thinking that I was the oldest and as such, I just assumed that I would be the one to have the house first and then the kids. Well 4 years later my life started to unravel, but at the time I was upset that my life was going backwards or at a stand still while everyone else’s was going forward.

Today, I am having a similar reaction I suppose. I will be 35 this April and while I am dreading that I am getting closer and closer to being 40, I had all but dismissed the idea of children. I had it in my head for a long time that if I hit 34 and did not have kids, I never would. And last year I hit that milestone and so I guess I mentally started to dismiss that idea. I am in the process of trying to figure out my life, looking into starting some college and career related courses as early as 2 weeks from now and find myself going into my 35th year re-inventing the wheel if you will. My boyfriend brings up the idea of kids and I suppose I have not completely closed the door on that, but it is not exactly wide open either. There is a big part of me that is not so sure I want to have kids at this age or any other year that puts me closer to 40 for that matter. There is the part of me that says life did not take you where you expected it to go and now should be about me- about friends, experiencing all that life has to offer, about travel and about focusing and building a second phase of my career. Kids don’t exactly fit into that equation.

So tell me…..then why is it that I feel the way I do? Why when I have all but dismissed the idea of ever having children do I feel upset or almost jealous if you will? I really am not even sure what the emotion is that I am feeling right now. Maybe deep down I still want kids and the pretending I don’t is a defense mechanism of mine so that when it doesn’t happen I will not be disappointed or upset over it. Maybe I really don’t want kids but there is the part of me that feels I am the oldest and just as I thought I would have the house before my sister, I am now thinking I should have had the kids before my brother who is younger by 8 years. And then maybe there is the part of me that knew how badly I wanted that at one point in my life and it is just a reminder of how everyone moves forward and I go backwards, stand still or have to constantly start from scratch.

The messed up part- my mother already sort of knew. My brother and his wife just went to the doctor tonight to find out for sure, but apparently she took 5 pregnancy tests at home- all positive and that came out to my mother a few weeks ago. It turns out that my mother told me that my sister in law was afraid to tell me because she did not know how I would react to the news knowing that I had always wanted kids very badly in a former lifetime. And then there is my mother…. happy as can be- grinning from ear to ear. She has already started to collect hand me downs for the baby and unused items and even came home with a brand new diaper bag this evening for “the baby”. The only thing my mother ever cared about was kids or grandkids I should say. When I turned 30 or so, she all but told me what a disappointment I was to her because I was not reproducing. Even my father before he passed expressed how I was the oldest and should have had kids so he could have been a grandfather before he passed away. Perhaps they did not mean it, but they always made me feel like a failure and a disappointment to them both. And while I know that I am far too old to sit there playing who is mommy’s favorite…. We all know who the “special one” is now. With the prospect of a new baby – my brother and his new bride have just move front and center and have been placed on a very high pedestal. From this point on, my life will be hell. Everything will be about them and the baby and the rest of the family might as well fall off the face of the planet because nothing they do will ever compare to the great accomplishment of my brother and his “super sperm”!

I know, I know- I am being silly but right now, I am more upset than I ever anticipated. Maybe because I was taken off guard with this news and figured it would be a few more months at least. Perhaps it is the fact that the year got started and I am once again lacking in direction and uncertain of what lies on the road ahead. Or maybe it is just because the timing of everything along with a significant and difficult time coming up in my life next week marking my father’s death and in combination they have me all emotional from the get go.

And yes, I know I have issues. I try my best to stay positive and focus on the good things going for me in my life, but every now and then you have one of those days when the pity party parade comes marching in so fast and furious that it is virtually impossible to ignore. But when it all comes down to it, at least I admit I have issue which is more than I can say for some people. I grew up in an environment where nothing I ever did seemed good enough and my father always told me I was wasting my time on this or that and never really understood me and so I go through life even after he has passed feeling as if I have something to prove. My mother made me feel time and time again that I failed her and came right out and told me how upset she was by the fact I did not have kids and so that news of my brother having a baby (well, his wife) has me sitting in my bed crying and typing trying to figure out just why I am so upset by the news. And why is it that everyone predicted in advance that I would react this way when I never even would have anticipated reacting this way and who knows me better than me?

After hearing the news and then my mother rubbing it in as she proudly showed off the new diaper bag she came home with, she asked if I was OK and what I thought of the news. I just didn’t really say anything at first and then she immediately told me to stop being upset and that my day would come. Well I doubt that, but after reassuring me that I did not have to be upset because I never had kids, she went on to tell me that I was always so ungrateful and not ever really happy with anything in my life. Well isn’t that the way to cheer me up?

Anyway- that is my story for today and I am sticking to it. I’m sure as the months go on, you will hear more about the progress of the newest addition to the family, how 2011 is treating me and any progress I have made in life.

I should probably end here, but while I am writing anyway, I might as well say that last year I decided that I would do the Liver Life Walk in memory of my father and in an effort to raise funds to help others with his disease – it was so much work that I am having second thoughts but I know that I can not. Last year there was a bit of the sympathy card playing in my favor, but others that said they would initially get involved told me that they wanted no part of it when push came to shove. My own brother refused at one point and told me I was annoying and wasting everyone’s time.

Normally I would have liked to have gotten my page up and running and registered the team, but time is already ticking away and I am wondering why I should put so much effort into a project that I am told I am stupid for doing. And yes- I was called “stupid” for doing it. I did have some wonderful and supportive people on my side- mostly friends and my boyfriend, but my own family was for shit. I met with such resistance last year that it makes me so reluctant to do it all over again, but I will because I said I would and I am a person of my word. I know that last year it was too much or too emotional for people to get involved- perhaps it was my fault for not realizing it at the time. Part of me hopes this year will be different, but I doubt it. Oh well- just thought I would through it out there while I was busy being upset about everything else. I figured that I might as well get it out of my system all at once. I plan to set up my walk page in the next few weeks and attempt to recruit a team, but if it is just me and a small handful of people this year- so be it. I am not being the slave driver that I was accused of being last year and I am certainly not going to stress myself out over it. Even if I raise $500 which at this point I doubt it even possible and a sheer embarrassment after the team raised over $10,000 last year, I suppose it will be more money than the American Liver Foundation will have had had I not initiated a team.

And last but not least, no one is hoping more than me that my divorce will be made official relatively soon, but this weekend I got an e-mail from the ex asking why this is taking so long. There are things he apparently needs to do and can’t until it is official and now I am holding him up. Oh, and then he wanted to know if I would be keeping his name or changing it. All I have to say is what the hell difference is it to him and after harassing me for months and months- now I am holding him up from moving on with his life. I just hope the piece of crap gets eaten by an alligator down in the sunshine state. What a piece of work he is.

Well there you have it- all the gossip, emotion and updating that is fit to be written. I am going to call it a night now. As always….until I write again…….