Twas the Night before Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas…….well almost- it is technically Christmas Eve Eve as I have been informed. I really can not believe how fast this year has gone- and this month especially. It seems as if it flew by in the blink of an eye. It has been a while since I last blogged and while I do not know that I have a tremendous amount to write about (but we all know how that goes), I figured I would give my update just the same.

First of all, let me just start out by saying that Thanksgiving went very well in my opinion. I think everyone had a good time and my mom especially enjoyed the extra long stay and quality time with my sister. My boyfriend and I went to the Grand Canyon, stayed overnight on a cowboy ranch and then spend two nights in a hotel on the strip. The rest of the time I spend with the family. I think having company and being in a change of environment did take the mind off of how things had changed and who was and was not there, but it was a good time nonetheless. I will say this though as a follow up to my brother-in-law’s dream, at the Thanksgiving dinner table there ended up being one empty chair slightly pulled away from the table which midway though dinner started to freak me out some. Perhaps Dad was at the table afterall.

Speaking of Dad, I went last week to the cemetery to visit him as well as my other deceased relatives- mostly grandparents and great grandparents. Although my father is in the same cemetery as my great grandparents are in, it was just a bit surreal that I had to stop at an additional section to visit my father for the holidays. It was upsetting to say the least. Putting up the Christmas tree this year which my mother did not want to do at first was hard. I for some reason was excited about Christmas this year- perhaps because I have someone wonderful in my life to share it with. And while I was all about putting up the tree after I got home from Vegas, it proved to be much more draining than I ever imagined. It just brought back such sad memories.

Last year I was out of work and my father was getting sicker by the day. My mom was working so my father sat in the chair, I put some holiday music on and I fluffed the tree while my father watched in between naps. When my mother got home we all decorated and placed the ornaments on the tree. My father sat there at first, but I forced him to get up and help us. Reluctant he was at first, but when it was all done and he placed his last ornament on the tree, he stood back with a tear in his eye and said, “Oh how beautiful.” A few weeks later we took photos of the family in front of that tree- little did we know at the time they would be the last holiday family photos we would ever take with him. I have a feeling though that many of us knew that would be the case which is probably why we all took so many.

At Christmas last year, I broke out the camcorder which I had not used in years. Of course now they are so small and mine seemed monstrous compared to the latest technology out there. I got made fun of by everyone, but something told me that anything I captured on this giant video camera would be the last moments that I had to remember him by. To this day, I am glad I captured his last Christmas, our last Christmas but I still can’t bring myself to watch the video and I honestly don’t know that I ever will. He was always so full of life and while as he got sicker at the end, his more emotional side came out, he was so so frail in that video. He had lost so much weight and I laugh now, but he looked like an egghead with his skull sticking out of his sunken in face. Part of me wants to hear his voice just one more time, but I don’t want to remember him as sickly as he was. He died literally before my eyes and while I always will have memories of him during better days, those are unfortunately the memories most recent in my mind.

So this year, while I started out excited and determined to have a good holiday season despite everything, the tree was a bit more than I could handle. I began decorating and immediately thought how just one year ago my father was there to watch and even help. My mother had made handmade ornaments of each family member and would make a new ball each year. She has a giant red ball with two giant snow people on it - a female and a male with the names Tony and Janet on the back with the year she painted it. My mother took it out of the box and began to cry. All the sudden the excitement of the holiday season had left us. My poor boyfriend took turns handing myself and my mother tissues. In the end, the decorations went up except for this one giant ball of my mother and father as snow people that my mother did not seem to know what to do with. I took the ball from her and I hung it up, but for a moment, it was as if she did not know if she should or if she could or is she ought to hang it up so I did it for her. And while my father is no longer here, I did hand his stocking on the wall anyway. The stockings were old and ratty so I bought us all new ones, but Dad’s old stocking is hanging on the wall where it always goes.

Silly me thinking I could say a few words and give you all a brief update….. a box of tissues and a few pages later…..

The month has gone so fast and while certain people are not with us this year, life goes on. Things have changed but they did not all have to change. Each year the Christmas Eve holiday was spend with my father’s family. Unfortunately no one is talking to us and after getting yelled at by my aunt over a wedding rehearsal invite, I have not exactly gone out of my way to keep the peace and the lines of communication open. This I have to say of all things has saddened me the most. From the time I was a little, little girl, I recall the holidays we spend with this side of the family and this year it is no more. But determined not to let them get the best of us this holiday season, I stole a move from my Aunt and invited my mother and I over my brother’s in-laws. I figure what is two ( well three with my boyfriend) extra people. Besides they are good people and I think they understand the situation. No one deserves to be alone for the holidays and my mother and I are no exception to the rule. My father’s sister on the other hand, well she did that to herself so I can’t go feeling sorry for her now.

I will say this though, on the 26th we did invite my cousins over to celebrate and have dinner with us. It is not their fault their mother and grandmother are a bunch of a-holes. In good conscience and feeling a bit guilty and “it is the right thing to do” my mother and I both debated for several weeks the thought of extending the invite to my father’s family anyway, but we both came to the same conclusion- they would only bring more drama to our lives. We are all trying to move forward, have a good holiday and they would only bring sadness, drama and dysfunction so we opted to not include them afterall. Perhaps we will try again next year for her birthday, but it is hard enough as is and we did not want to start our New Years off with a bunch of crazy woman playing the “scorned victim act” as my brother calls it.

So this year, for the first time in my 34 years, we will be breaking the traditions I have always known and will be going to someone elses’ house. Perhaps one of these years I will have my own place again and it will be large enough to accommodate people and I can host Christmas Eve and other holidays instead of having to go out to other peoples through pity or self invites.

I will say this thought, while things have certainly changed and times are much different now, so far with the exception of the tree and including my father in the cemetery run, the holidays are not as bad as everyone seems to think they were going to be. Me and my family- we are a resilient group and after almost an entire year, I am finally starting to see my mother come out of her shell, do stuff for herself and make an attempt to get out there in the world. I could be wrong, but I am for the first time thinking she may be OK. She even started initiating New Year’s plans with her friend when in the past she would have chosen to stay home. Part of me wanted to go out this year but I could not go out knowing Mom was home feeling sorry for herself so if she stayed in, unfortunately so would I.

My mother is a procrastinator so as of now she has no plans and may end up staying home anyway, but with her attempt to do something, I decided to move forward and make plans of my own. At this point, if she decided to stay home and be sad, well she had the choice to do otherwise, she decided to be alone and I can’t feel bad for her so much. As for me, after pushing my mom to go out and being so excited that she was even making the attempt, I realized if I waited any longer, I would be the one sitting home. Part of me really did not mind so much. I have the most wonderful man in my life right now and home or out, we would be together. But then the more I thought about it- last year was probably the saddest and most pathetic New Years of them all. I mean that is the night I sat home, rang New Years in all alone and started my blog. This year I was determined to not spend New Years by wishing a happy to whomever might be out there in cyberspace. I also thought sitting home might make me reflect back on last year and my father and then I would be the one sitting there feeling sorry for myself. In the end, I decided going out this year would be the better option for me. In years to come if I am home or have a quiet New Years, I can handle it, but not this year- not after last year. So last night I booked a catering venue for dinner, drinks and dancing- non- refundable so I have no choice but to get dressed up, get out there and have fun.

So aside from New Years plans and trying to get through the first holiday season without Dad, what else is going on in my life…….

Well the job is going very well and everyone is pleased with my performance. I have been researching going back to school for some HR classes and they start in less than a month so I better make a decision and get a move on. I think getting my PHR will be my big 2011 goal. I do have to say that despite some unexpected turn of events that happened this year, I had a pretty good year all in all. I get paid crap but like the company and the people I am working with so far. Unfortunately it is not my home for life or even more than 2 years with what they pay me and the poor benefits they offer, but it is my entry into corporate HR so I will take it for what it is worth and use it as my stepping stone to hopefully bigger and better.

2010 was to be my year…. All in all, a big transformation in my life from where I was last year which is what I was hoping for. My main objectives for 2010 were to find myself in better situation- good family, friends and company. After leaving my husband and starting over, I swore dysfunction would no longer be a part of my life. For that reason, I have cut out friends and even family members that have brought dysfunction to my life. My other objectives were to have a job with a close commute, good pay and excellent benefits. Well I got the job and commute part down and after what I went through earlier in the year, I am just grateful to be working and with good people.

For 2010 I wanted to be on more stable financial ground and I have even on unemployment managed to save my pennies and build up a nice little nest egg for myself. Although I will continue to still strive for me. In 2010, I envisioned at least one nice vacation for myself and I had many. The Antigua trip with my mom right after my father passed was tropical but not exactly vacation like. I did however take many short trips with family, friends and the boyfriend. I even got a really nice trip in for Thanksgiving so I guess I achieved that goal. I was to find a wonderful man when I least expected it and I would stumble upon him around March or April or around that time I would know he was the one for me. Low and behold, a week before my father passed I ran into someone ice skating when I just went out to catch a break from all the bad news with my father. Through many hard times, life challenges and unpredictable events, here we are almost a year later and we are better than ever. Ironically around April of this year, I started to think there was the potential for staying power. Sometime in 2011 we are having the spreadsheet and moving in conversation….LOL. I never would have seen that coming. I know have 2011 predictions in the relationship department but I will keep them to myself for now and see what happens.

When it all comes down to it, the only 2 main objectives I had for 2010 that I have not been met were a peaceful divorce and moving out and getting my own place. As far as the divorce, I actually called the Supreme Court today and got a very nice woman that was kind enough to transfer me to the secretary of the matrimonial department. According to her they are running 12 weeks behind but my paperwork was submitted on October 7, 2010 and right now the judges are up to October 4th, so it can’t be too much longer now provided my lawyer did everything right. I would love it if the judges could get through those 3 or 4 days by next week but with the holidays, I kind of doubt it.

As for moving out, well I guess things happen for a reason. I perhaps was not ready and I know my mom was not ready to live on her own. I still worry about her, but almost an entire year has passed now and I have to move on as does she eventually. I feel more secure in my job and while I question if the paycheck will permit me to go out on my own, I have started to see my mother in the past few weeks take positive steps on her end that I have been pushing for her to make all year. We will see what happens. When things are meant to be, they will be. Right now, I just need to get her past her birthday and focused on staying positive. My boyfriend and I are taking her to see a play that I know she will be super excited to see so that will give her something to look forward to and hopefully take her mind off other things. That being said, however; I just found out my brother needs surgery on his knee on the 11th of January which is 2 days before my Mom’s birthday. The idea was to take her mind off my father dying on her birthday last year, not put my mother back into a hospital visiting her son and jogging her memory of her husband dying. Hopefully things will work out for the best but the timing of all this could not be worse.

I think I am going to call it a night right about here, but before I do, let me say a few final thoughts as I may not have the time to write before the New Year. Each year I go to the cemetery and put out my wish list for the following year. To be honest, I did not have a giant wish list as I normally do. I asked that those in charge and those watching over me help my family to move forward in positive directions. I wished for good things in my life between my boyfriend and I and in all the things that come my way in life. As I am not always in control of my own destiny, I just asked that I be led to all good things whatever they may be. I wished for good things at work- maybe a raise or a promotion. Should I pursue my PHR certification which I am looking into, I asked that I pass my exam and that it leads me to better jobs down the line. I told my father that I was going to be doing the Liver Life Walk again this year as I said I would even though it was so much work last year. I asked that more people get involved this year and that we raise a lot of money. Other than that, I just wished for health and happiness in the New Year. This is the first year ever I did not have much to wish for but a lot to be thankful for.

While 2010 was kind of my year and I did see many glimpses of the rainbow here and there, I am hoping 2011 is even better than ever. Sometimes life is very unpredictable but day by day and with time, things do get better.

In the event I do not get to write again before the year is out which I do not think I will have the time to do, I wish everyone a safe and happy holiday season and a healthy and prosperous 2011. Let it be a wonderful year for all of us.

Until I write again……