Why did I disappear?

Not that I have a large following, but for those that do follow and for those that have been inquiring as to my whereabouts, I would like to apologize for skipping almost 2 months in between entries.

I started a new job in late August that has kept me very busy. Yesterday was my two month anniversary and while they have a 90 probationary period and I still have 30 more days to go- I am confident I will be at this place for a while. I am doing very well and all the managers appear to love me. I won't lie, the job is stressful and extremely fast paced. Just when I think I have it under control, all hell seems to break lose. Yesterday I got 7 new jobs to fill- all completely different which always make it harder, but I am a well rounded recruiter and have the capabilities and know-how to recruit across all areas from entry to executive level. So the C# Developer that turned down the offer- no problem- I will find your replacement. The Assistant Warehouse Manager that got fired for sexual harassment- no problem- already have stockpiled a few resumes in my files. The Customer Service Rep that quit and the Sales Support Rep about to be terminated- have that under control- or plan to anyway. I already started making calls today. The Business Development Rep is in drug and background screen and I just have to work harder and faster to get the entry level warehouse clerks in the pipeline. Screening out the deadbeats seems to be the biggest issue on that one. The last person appears to have placed anyone with a heartbeat into the warehouse which is not my main objective. Yes the spots need to be filled, but if they only last a week or two- why bother- it only creates more work down the line.

Beyond the job keeping me busy, my brother got married a month ago so that kept me busy with last minute stuff. The week following his wedding I actually got up early on a Saturday and started writing a blog entry. I couldn't sleep, I had a lot on my mind and the wedding brought up a bunch of things I did not expect. Obviously my father’s absence was an issue- especially for my brother. His wedding ended up having me waking up with an anxiety attack as to where my life was going and what I wanted. My sister and brother in law mentioned that they were grossed out by how messy and what a hoarder my mother is. It got to the point that they told me they were not going to come home and visit anymore so they did not have to stay with her and hurt her feelings by staying elsewhere. This of course got me thinking about how much I really did hate living in the house with my mother. She is an absolute slob and really does have a hoarding issue. If you watch that show Hoarders on TV- there is a scary resemblance between some of these people, their actions, thought processes and behaviors that are very much characteristic of my mother. I spent quite a bit of time in therapy being brainwashed to see something, try and ignore it and say "It is temporary, it is only temporary". There are days the "temporary" thinking doesn't quite cut it but my sister and brother in law bringing up what I have fought for so long to ignore hit a bit too close to home. With so many other issues going on in my life, I never really had the time to focus my writing on what it is like to move back home and live with someone so unorganized and dysfunctional but trust me it is hard- it is very hard. I am embarrassed to have people even know I live here. If someone comes over- it stresses me out because it prompts me to spend at least 3 hours if not more cleaning- and that is the inside of the house. With the pool, the yard and her garden which I have nicknamed the "ghetto garden"- that is another 2 days worth of work. Apparently things like this don't bother my mother as they bother me which has been an issue of contention from the very beginning. Suffice it to say that it has been challenging at the very least and should I have time, I will get more into it. I suppose with all that has gone on and all the changes taking place this year- organization, being on top of things and cleaning the house are on the bottom of her list but there are some things that are just downright disgusting and almost unhygienic or nerve wracking.

Beyond the wedding, the new job and the issues at home, there is a bunch of new updates on the boyfriend front. He is still around and is a wonderful person, but some more serious topics have come up. He probably hates that I air it online but this blog is about my life and he is part of my life. I guess the blog comes as part of the package. He is always afraid I will portray him in a negative light after the whole Rhode Island incident and I can't say I blame him but I promise that none of the developments are bad per say. Topics of living together came up, followed by marriage and kids or kids and then marriage- or hinting if I even wanted those things. Honestly, I am not even sure sometimes if they are serious or hypothetical so I take them for what they are.

Anyway, the point I started to make is that as all this was developing, the week following my brother's wedding was a very emotional one for me. I was having daddy issues, anxiety issues and life issues. I was up early one Saturday morning and began writing to get a few things out of my system. It was supposed to be a quick thing but you know me- this entry was to be a sentence or two at most and now I have paragraph after paragraph. When I start writing things just flow so my few ideas or thoughts that I needed to get out of my system that morning turned into an hour or two of writing and I was not even close to done. I probably could have written for another hour and a half at least but decided to call it a day. I jotted down some thoughts I wanted to touch upon and figured I would finish later or just post it as two separate entries as it was a bit lengthy to begin with. At least that was the original plan.

So what happened to that entry? Well my computer went on the fritz. Several failed attempts to fix it failed and this weekend after spending almost two full days working at it (well not me but my boyfriend) I decided the computer was already outdated and old and I just bought a new one. So here I am- for the first time getting to work on my new laptop. Everyone is downgrading to small little things. Of course I opted for a huge one, but I am loving it. A full sized keyboard and a 17 screen so I don't have to squint as I go. At first I thought it was a bit too big but now I think I am liking it. Now that technology is back as part of my life, a certain someone suggested that I write again.

So here I am- back in the technological loop. I intended to put down a quick line to let you know I was busy, occupied with a wedding then had computer issues and almost a full entry later, I sit her telling you in a very long winded fashion that time permitting more entries are to follow. The entry that is half done is floating around somewhere and I hope to read it over and then post it. I still had many more thoughts to complete in a follow up entry, but life goes so fast and things change from moment to moment. The thought I was having a month ago about life, where my relationship was going, what I thought about moving in with someone are ever evolving and fluctuate from day to day. I have to admit that I was freaked out in the begging, trying to stall for time and trying to figure out if I wanted to go that route. Perhaps it is now a combination of that and adjusting my thought processes. For over a year I was mentally preparing myself that it was OK to be single, that it was OK that I never had kids and that my marriage ended and it was OK. I was jaded about every marrying again and parts of me still are but I think for me it is just a matter of going slow and feeling comfortable with the idea that perhaps I should not close all those doors but leave them open for the possibilities that may come. Yet me being the well grounded person that I am, I still need to remain realistic and be happy knowing things can go any number of directions. Ultimately, my goal is just to be happy- happy with myself, my life and my decisions. This is still a work in progress but I am getting there little by little. With two months to go- I have made a lot of progress in 2010. I still have a ways to go, but 2010 was to be a turning point in my life and I think with the remaining 2 months, I will be more confident with where I am and where I am headed.

I’m sorry to say that I literally could keep writing all night, but I think I am going to stop here. Just know that updates are to come and I am hoping to write more often but if I don't; please know that it is a good thing. At one point my writing was therapeutic for me. The fact that I have actual people to talk to instead of those in cyberspace and the fact that I don't always feel the "need" to write is a good thing- it means I am coping and dealing with the challenges life throws at me a bit better. Life continuously throws challenges your way but as long as you continue to fight for better things and for what you believe in, you will always come out a winner!

And with that, I bid you a good night.......Until I write again!