I originally wrote this back in the beginning of October. Time flies and life changes on a dime. I’m sure some of what happened here rings true and with respect to other areas of my life, I’m sure that I have gotten over things. Truth be told, I have to go back and read what I even wrote. Time permitting I will finish my thoughts or add relevant updates as I can. But whatever was going on in my head this early October morning I wrote about. As I promised when I originally started blogging- if it happens, I feel it, I go through it or I think it- I write about it. So here goes, my much belated blog entry originally written on October 2, 2010.
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October 2, 2010
It has been a while since I last checked in. It is already October if you can believe that. This year has gone by so quickly. I don't even think I got a chance to write in the entire month of September which is odd. I normally try and check in at least once or twice a month with an update- and believe me you, there have been a lot of things going on.
I started my job back in the end of August. So far so good. I love my commute, I work with great people. I have a wonderful manager for the first time in years and I seem to be picking up rather quickly. It is very fast paced and stressful. Most days I go in early and stay late. The 24 year old manager (or one of them) is out the door like clockwork at 5pm. I am there until almost 6:30 or 7 some nights with the HR Director who has to remind me to go home. Truth be told, when you like what you do and you are constantly recognized for the hard work you put in by your managers, you kind of don't mind it so much. I know the work will be there when I get in the next day, but I really don't mind it. For the first time in a very long time I feel like I have a sense of purpose. I have something positive I can focus my energies into and I am noticing results so I feel as if I am being effective. In one month, I have hired well over 15 people. There are days my heart goes out to people when I hear their stories, their struggles to find work, the challenges life has thrown at them. I've been there and can totally relate which makes me all the more willing to go out of my way and get them back to work if I can. Of course there are some characters that I get bad vibes about or are just plain odd - like the guy that stood up and started grabbing his genitals during the interview. Then there are the ones that are just not cut out for this type or work or are using it as a paycheck until something better comes along. But for those that are hard workers, really want to be working again, that I get a sense are decent people that fell on hard times- I do my best to put them in a better place. Some days I feel like half interviewer and half therapist or motivational speaker, but so far I like what I am doing. Granted it has only been a month so we will see how things progress.
Last week my brother got married. It ended up being a good event but bitter sweet nonetheless. I took my father's thumbprint that I had put on a necklace and temporarily attached it to my grandmother's pearls that had been handed down to me. I wasn't sure how they would look together but it was something I had thought of doing for months and it actually looked pretty nice. It was more of a sentimental piece than anything to make a fashion statement with but I was pleased with the results. My brother wore his cuff links with my father's prints on them. It was a very, very emotional day for my brother and at points for all of us. My brother is 26 but well over 6 feet tall and a big boy. He goes around lifting cars, showing off his strength and acting tough all the time, but on his wedding day- he was nothing but tears. He cried during photos, he cried during the ceremony, he cried dancing with his wife, dancing with my mother and then his tears brought me to mine when I danced with him. There came a point when I had asked if he had his cuff links on and he told me yes and walked away in tears.
When it came time to dance with my mother, my brother had his head down on her shoulder. I could not tell if he was hugging her or not but when he turned around he was hysterical crying. As I watched them, I began to well up and from across the room, I saw my sister. We each ended up on opposite sides of the room with our cameras and each one of us had to put our cameras down to grab a tissue. The next morning my mother told me that while they were dancing my brother was telling her what a great mother she was. He thanked her for everything, told her he loved her and she was the best mom ever- better than all his friends’ mothers. He then began crying saying how he wished daddy was there to see him. Getting dressed was hard for my brother. My brother was trying not to deal with certain things but I think leading up to the wedding things came closer to the forefront and it all kind of hit him on his wedding day.
Originally my brother was to get dressed home and then meet his groomsmen at the reception hall for photos. Knowing it was emotional for him we had booked a room at the hotel adjacent to the reception hall and told him to use my mother's room to get dressed and have his groomsmen meet him there so he was not sitting home alone and upset. I wish I could have been there, but all the girls were busy getting hair and make up done. We had my brother in law take him out to play golf and distract him during the day and then he met up with the rest of his bridal party to get dressed at the hotel so he was not alone. My mother told me that getting dressed was very emotional for my brother. There came a time when he was putting his cuff links on and he had a break down. He was telling my mother all this while they were dancing. He ended up in the bathroom of the hotel on the floor hysterical crying talking to his cuff links. He said something to the effect of- I know you are not hear to see me but I am going to put you on me today so you can be with me anyway.
To tell you the truth, seeing my brother so emotional all day long had its toll on me as well. I tried not to think about it. I tried to pretend that our father was not there and be distracted by everything else that was going on, but it was hard at times. For some reason at 4am after I finally got all the make up off, hair pins out of my hair and had showered and finally got into bed- the days events just hit me all the sudden as I was saying my little prayers before bed. I found myself hysterical crying as well. My boyfriend had just fallen asleep and there really was no place to go in the room and be quiet about it, so I quietly got up and went into the bathroom and closed the door. I sat on the floor on a bathmat in the dark with a roll of toilet paper beside me as tissues and just cried and cried and cried. The thought of my brother so upset- the thought of my father not being there- the thought of how times had changed and while it feels like it had been so long ago, it really is still pretty recent. When my father was alive, I cried every night and prayed every night how it would mean the world to me (and to my brother) if my father could just hang in there until my brother got married. Even if he had hung in there, I have a feeling that my father would have been extremely frail and sick by that point, but I still wanted him there- we all did. Unfortunately as my father got sicker and sicker, my prayers turned to ones of not making him suffer any more and that the powers that be take him quickly instead of prolonging the inevitable or on the flip side that a true miracle happen. It turns out he was taken much sooner than we all would have liked. While he was not there physically, I know he was there in spirit. It was a very rough time for us all.
My uncle made sure to walk my mother down the aisle, dance with her and enter the room with her so she was not feeling alone all day as everyone else had someone but her. My mother looked beautiful but ended up with a brown dress. It was stunning but never a color she would normally buy. She commented how she looked so good in her brown dress and my father was not even there to see it- he loved brown for some reason and just knew he would have loved her in that dress. And as for me, I have to give kudos to my man. He heard me crying on the bathroom floor at 4am and came in and sat on the cold bathroom floor with me. He even told me if I was upset I did not need to hide in the bathroom and I could go lie in the bed because if I was upset or needed to talk, he was there for me. He really is a wonderful, wonderful person and this spoke volumes for me. My ex would have begun yelling at me and would have never understood. He was and I guess still is such an ass- the ex that is.
Speaking of ex's, I called my lawyer again- twice this week to be accurate. It appears nothing has been done since May. Supposedly my papers are to be filed in the courts next Tuesday. She told me that about a month and a half ago and then again back in June. This is complete and utter bullshit at this point. And to top it all off, she told me it may be another 12 weeks or so. For her sake, I am hoping she told me longer than it may actually take to be on the safe side, but still- this is just ridiculous. I am seriously considering reporting her to the Barr Association or taking her to small claims court or something. Can you sue your own attorney for being an idiot, not doing what you paid them for and then taking their sweet ass time not doing it? When she asked for more money, that check was cashed inside a week but to do her job submit two pieces of paper signed by us both to the courts takes her well over 5 months- actually going on more like 6 or 7 at this point. I'm just at a loss.
It is kind of ironic how life works out sometimes. I have completely moved on- we have been separated for well over a year and a half and he doesn't even live in the same state anymore. I just want it to be official so I can move on. It appears he has people tracking him down and I'm not sure how they get the house number but they are always leaving nasty messages for him on my mother's answering machine. I just don't want any of that coming back to haunt me at a later date. If he was a normal person that was ethical and moral and we just had our differences, perhaps that would be different and I would not be so anxious to have it over and done with, but being who he is, I always feel like I have to cover myself or look over my shoulder to see what bad fortune he will bring my way.
Things are still in limbo with the ex, yet things are going strong with my new man. They are progressing rapidly and to be honest, I am not sure how I feel about certain things. Like I said, so much has happened, but with the wedding and trying to get adjusted to a new work schedule, I have not had time to write about them. Towards the end of August, my boyfriend asked me to please go to New Jersey with him for some housewarming party one of his co-workers was having. Of course we got stuck in traffic the entire way which gave us a lot of time to talk. My boyfriend is a wonderful person- very thoughtful, caring and supportive beyond belief but from time to time he just randomly comes out with things that don't always flow with the current topic of conversation. Normally they are topics on his mind and some of them a bit more on the serious side that he wished to discuss. I joke with him every now and then that he has ADD.
Anyway, we are stuck in traffic and out of nowhere he mumbles that he would like me to move in with him and he was thinking about it for a while now. I guess he was trying to feel me out on the topic. I was an "initial conversation" if you will just to introduce the topic and see how I felt and if that was something I would ever even consider. He was curious to see if I would consider it, if I could see myself living at his place and if I had enough space for my belongings or if he thought we might need someplace bigger. He was feeling me out on the finances and what I would be comfortable with and when I might be ready. As it was a preliminary conversation and not a formal invitation- I just went with it. I think we saw eye to eye on the financial aspects of things. As for timing- well I had just started my job at that point. I wanted to make sure I liked them, they liked me, I passed my probationary period, I got on the company benefits. etc... I explained that that would be a few months away at the very least. And not that I think I told him this, but going into the holiday season, I did not feel it would be a good time to leave my mother alone. I know I can't be everything for her but I can be there for her during a rough transitionary period in her life. And if I am waiting past the holiday, I may as well wait a few more weeks. My mother's birthday is January 13th and I have a feeling next year will be a rough one for her since technically that is the day my father passed away. She has already decided she will never again celebrate her birthday and I know it will be a very rough and emotional time for her and I think I should be there the best I can.
All in all, I am not sure how we left off, but I think at that moment, I bought myself a few months at the least. I do have to say though, the next day, I woke up thinking about it and I was extremely anxious over the idea. I mean I knew it would happen at some point and I thought I wanted that, but I did not really anticipate it coming up that soon. My first priority really was to ensure things were going well at work, but he got me thinking. I hate moving and he is in a temporary place right now while he is renting out his house and figuring out his next step. His apartment has a lot of closet space but it is still all his stuff and there is really no room for any of my belongings with the exception of my clothing. Part of me feels like I would be going from one temporary housing arrangement to the next and I am not sure how I feel about that. I want to feel like I belong somewhere, that I have something to call my own, that it is homey. And then there is the matter of living with someone that may move again in May when he decides what he wants to do with his house or rental property. Moving sucks and it is very stressful and I certainly don't need to add any more of that to my life right now. Anyway, it was a preliminary conversation so nothing needed to be decided just yet.
A few short weeks later, we took a trip into Brooklyn where we walked the Brooklyn Bridge. It was a beautiful day and we had lunch outdoors and another ADD topic came up. We were eating lunch and he wanted to know if it would be weird for me to be engaged if my divorce was not finalized in 2 years. My first reaction was- "It better not take that long!" I of course was talking about my divorce being finalized while he thought I was talking about a marriage proposal. Some days I think I know where his head is at and others I have no clue where his head is at or the sense of timing he is aiming for. I took my time and was cautious before getting married and a lot of good that did me. He on the other hand rushed things and that turned out to be a mistake as well. I guess we need to meet somewhere in the middle, but I have to admit I am a bit confused lately. Probably not what he wants to hear, but it is the truth.
Long story short on this topic, he beat around the bush for quite some time until finally I just looked at him and said, just come out and ask me what you want to ask me or tell me what you want to know......and so he did. He wanted to know if I could ever see myself getting married again. He wanted to know if I wanted to have kids. He told me that he saw things progressing to the point where he could potentially see us getting married and he was afraid that if he had asked me, I might say no to him. Of course he was not proposing at that moment, nor was I ready to have this conversation seriously, but I answered the best I could.
I told him that there was a time when I saw myself having kids but now I feel like I have reached a point in my life where I have made peace with it and am kind of on the fence. There is the part of me that realizes it would be life altering. I never planned on having kids this late in life. Then there is the part of me that loves kids and feels that if given the choice to be a parent or not to parent, I may one day look back and regret that I did not take that path when I had the chance. I also explained to him that while I may see myself getting married one day, I am in no rush. After coming from where I have come from and going through what I have gone through, I am in no rush to get married again. Should I accidentally become pregnant, I would not get married as a result because it seems like the “right” thing to do if under different circumstances I would not have gone down that road and considered marrying that person otherwise. Ideally you start out with the concept of married couple and children but nothing in my life thus far has been traditional so why should this be.
There is the part of me that feels a bit pressured to have kids because of my age but I don’t have that pressure or urge to get married right now. Perhaps because I have been down that road before. Had I never been married, then maybe I would feel as if I were missing out on something. Maybe I feel as if that door was closed and I have to mentally prepare myself to open it again. But the truth be told, and I let him know it as well- I am afraid. I feel like I failed. I feel like I failed in marriage, some days I feel like I failed in life. I am afraid to fail again. I know that my circumstances were somewhat out of my control, but nonetheless, I feel as if I was a failure at marriage. It was supposed to be a beautiful thing that lasted for years to come. I thought I was entering a partnership and that we would work together to accomplish great things in life and it was everything but that. I suppose if I found the right person and they were completely wonderful, then maybe, but they had better be pretty damn special. I also explained to him that you can’t change people no matter how hard you try or how much you feel you will be the exception to the rule so going into a situation, I need to know a person’s flaws and shortcomings and feel that I can deal with them for the long haul.
I think all in all, that day back in September, I left off that I was open to kids but had also come to a place where I did not think it would ever be and so I would need to see where life takes me. As for marriage- I guess I would have to see where life takes me on that one too. I am in no rush. While there was a point in time I thought anyone who got married was ruining their lives but didn’t know it yet, I realize know it doesn’t have to be that way. I think it will just take that someone incredibly special to make me reevaluate things. In the meantime I am not looking to run before I have figured out how to walk. My boyfriend sees good things in our future and I suppose so do I, but only time will tell where things are meant to lead. In the meantime I am content but have to say as these topics came up much sooner in the relationship than I ever imagined, I was a bit freaked out by the whole thing. But as I am open with my thoughts and feelings, I don’t hold back. Unless I am excruciatingly uncomfortable talking about a topic, I will entertain most topics freely. It may just take me some mental getting used to certain ideas to really open up.
I think will end here for now. To be continued when I have some more time.
Until I write again……
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