I’m not sure how this happened exactly. I set out to have a really good and productive day. My mother has gone back to work so it is actually quiet in the house. I landed and interview tomorrow for a non- profit and while the job is above the scope of anything I have ever done before, I know with the proper training I can rise to the challenge. I want it badly and I don’t even fully know what the job is yet. I just know that it will take me in a new direction in life and I think it will give me that sense of personal fulfillment I have been looking for for you years.
I started up a fundraising thing for the American Liver Foundation. I saw what my father went through, how much his medicines were costing and the great care he was receiving from his doctors. But there are people living with his disease that can’t afford their medicines, don’t have health coverage or good doctors to go to bat for them. And so this year I decided I wanted to make a difference- my way of giving back and knowing that despite all the other failures I had in my life, that I was indeed doing something for a greater good, serving a purpose rather than wasting space on this Earth and helping others. And should my father not make it, then I would do it every year in his memory. So I spend hours putting together my web page, researching things and trying to get this off the ground. As team captain running a fundraising event, I was getting into more than I thought, but I am always up for a good challenge. I’ve been putting so much time and effort into this over the past few months. I have been trying to recruit people to walk with me and no one seems interested thus far which is kind of frustrating.
It turns out my father passed so instead of walking with him or for him, I will be walking in honor of him. I think though that what bothers me the most, is that I put all this time and effort in and that my father didn’t understand me or why I was doing it. Like everything else in my life, he made me feel as if I were wasting my time. To the very end, he made me feel like it was a stupid idea. Well, nonetheless, I have committed to doing this and I will not see it fail. People said they wanted to help or would walk, but I can only do so much. My own brother and sister have not even gotten so involved which of all people surprises me the most. In any event, I have raised almost $2,000 on my own so far and am not done yet. I still have some more funds to send in and I am trying to plan a comedy for a cause night or some other charity events to raise funds for the cause, but my life is so complicated right now that I feel like I am splitting my time so many ways.
Perhaps my father thought I was stupid or wasting my time, but I don’t feel that way. I am determined to succeed at this. I have to- I failed at everything else, I have to be able to do this one thing right. So I pour everything I have into it when I find the time. I stay up until all hours sending out thanks you notes and e-mail’s to recruit for donations or team members to walk with me. So far I seem to be the only one doing anything. There are days I just want to say fuck it and give up, but I will not. I committed to this and I will see it through. Perhaps my father never would have been proud of me, but for once, I am going to do something and be proud of myself.
I wish I had time to write more but normally I don’t. Today just happened to be a really bad day and I needed to get some stuff off my chest so I could move on and attempt to have the productive day I set out to have. Not that anyone really reads this, should anyone stumble upon this and wish to read on my cause, why I walk, donate or join the team to support my efforts, here is the link:
http://go.liverfoundation.org/goto/JeannetteJerome
Other than that, I walk for the American Liver Foundation because that is the disease my Daddy suffered from for the longest. I know far more about the disease, the medications, the side effect than anyone should have to that is not a trained medical professional, but such is life. While Liver Disease was one ailment he had, about a month before he passed, he was diagnosed with Lymphoma in the stomach. A later PET Scan showed he had “hot spots” in his small intestines- probably the cause of the 2 or 3 bowel obstructions he suffered from in December. His gastroentenologist was a complete jackass and I hate the man. We complained of things earlier on but the man overlooked them time and time again. I’m not sure having found the cancer sooner would have helped any- the cancer and the liver disease took him off the transplant list, but it would have been nice to know that doctor did his job. So many doctors looked upon my father like he was too sick to be helped, like he was a drunk that brought this upon himself and that was not the case at all. I can’t even tell you how many doctors I got nasty with so he got treated properly and they showed a little more care in his treatment, but that is whether here nor there.
I got sidetracked as I often do when I write but the purpose of me writing today was to say that it is supposed to be a productive day. I need to focus today and I can’t. You see back in January, I saw a listing for the Lymphoma and Leukemia Society for a job that I had such interest in. I have always wanted to feel that my life served a greater purpose- that I made a difference in some way. Now with my father gone and the fundraising efforts I have started, I wanted to possibly do more of this on a larger scale. Many of the non-profits I found are located in Manhattan and I am not keen on the 2 hour commute. I also lack some of the experience in that sector. If I do well with my fathers fundraising and keep up with it, it will hopefully lead me down that track in the future – at least that is the plan right now.
Well, as I started to say, I found a job listing for a non-profit on Long Island. The commute would not be an issue, it would take me in an entirely different direction which I think I want right now and it would make me feel a sense of purpose. So I applied, hunted down the key people, made sure to write a well written cover letter and get my resume in front of some key people. This was on January 11th – 3 days before my father passed. It was for some sort of campaign manager job- similar to what I was doing on my own for the Liver Foundation but to a much larger extent. I really have no experience with this professionally and am very new to the fundraising thing, but there was something about this job that made me apply and the fact that my father was just diagnosed with lymphoma made it all that more appealing to me. To speed up some so this does not drag on forever, I received an e-mail back that the spot was filled or that they had candidates with more non- profit experience. I normally take the approach if it is meant to be, then it is meant to be and I guess this is not my calling in life so I chug on until I find what is.
Well last week I received an e-mail from one of the people I had tracked down to get my resume in front of and they have a new spot open at a higher level. I must have made some sort of impression with my cover letter because she asked if I would be interested in being considered- naturally, I said I would. I have an interview tomorrow morning. She sent me the job description and while I know with the proper mentorship, I can totally rise to the challenge, I have to admit I am a bit nervous that things will not go so well. I have never done anything like this before and the responsibilities are vast and huge. Normally I would look at the job description and say this is not me or I have not done this, but not with this job. While I know that is the case, I am going in and I am going to dazzle them in any way I know how. I will smile, let my personality and desire to succeed shine through and if not for this spot, I know they will love me- they just have to. I am going in and I will do my best and all I can hope for is that my in person impression is as good as my written impression. I am hoping they like me enough to find me a spot within the organization even if the one I am going in for is not the most suitable fit.
So all that being said, today was my day of no distractions and focus. I needed to read up on the job description, know the programs they are referring to inside an out, come up with some creative ideas how my talent best benefit them and really just know what they do and impress them with my knowledge of their cause. There is still plenty of time in the day for that, but I have to admit, I feel like I wasted some valuable time this morning.
In my last entry you heard me refer to the “thumbies”. Well when my father passed we had an impression of his thumbprint taken and they put onto a piece of jewelry. I picked up the thumbies a few weeks ago but they came with no chains. Last Friday I hit a really good sale and got my sister a few chains to go with her thumbies as a birthday present and I decided to get myself a few chains as well. This morning, I decided to take the thumbies out of the box and put the chains on them. The plan was to wear my Daddy’s thumb print around my neck when I go to my interview tomorrow hoping that it would bring me some sort of extra luck. The problem is that I put the thumbie on today and now I have not been able to stop crying since and I am afraid that if I wear it tomorrow, I may fall apart. As is the thought of possibly working for this organization makes me emotionally distraught as I want this so badly. The fact that after all this time the woman remembered me enough to contact me back has to mean something- or doesn’t it? Maybe I am putting to much emphasis on this, but I am hoping this happened for a reason, and a good reason at that.
I have so much confusion in my life and I just don’t know what to do first. My mother has no clue and while I help her, she is very draining and it takes away from me getting my life in order. So one day while she was at work, I picked up a picture of my father and I began talking to it. I told my father that I hated that he always made me feel like I was not good enough, that he always disapproved of every decision I made and made me feel like I could never measure up. I then asked him to redeem himself in the afterlife. I asked him to help me find my way and lead me to things in my life that he did actually approve of. I just for once wanted him to be proud of something I did, but I guess that will never be there case.
For a long time, I was disappointed with the way things turned out in my life over the past year. I feel like I wasted a ton of time, that jobs I wanted did not pan out or that my life plans needed to be put on hold when my father fell ill and then got worse and worse. I know now that things happen for a reason and that it was meant for me to be where I am and it was not meant for certain things to work out so that I had the time to be with my parents during this very difficult transition. There is also a part of me that believes (or maybe wants to believe because it just makes things easier to digest) that when the timing is right, everything in my life will just magically fall into place. 2010 is supposed to be my year remember? Well I spend the first month dealing with my father and more funerals than I care to remember. I then needed to get mentally adjusted. I spend the entire month of February trying to help my mother get adjusted and help her figure out the finances. In the mix, I managed to make just a little time for myself and have spent it getting things in order so that once I am working, certain things that needed to be done during business hours were taken care of and out of the way.
My aunt from Virginia came to visit with my father in December. She is very religions and during her stay she once told me that God had a plan for me and I was right where I needed to be. She told me that it was not meant for me to be working and that one day, the curtains would open and things would all of the sudden fall into place for me. She told me to wait and see because I would have the most wonderful job when the timing was right. While I totally agreed with her, I hope that now is my time. I hope the curtains will open big and wide and reveal the next wonderful phase of my life. I hope that the fact that this woman contacted me from over a month and a half ago happened for a reason. I hope and I pray that I am not making too much of things and that this is finally my time- the time I have long been waiting for. I hope that from here on in, things just fall into place in my life. I am hoping that I finally get that glimpse of the rainbow I have spend years waiting for.
So today, was to be my day of focus so I could hit it out of the park tomorrow on my interview. Unfortunately, my emotions took me for a different turn. To be honest, I think it all started when the guy I am seeing asked me to tell him about my father and what he was good at or I liked most about him. The immediate thing that came to mind was that he was good at judging, criticizing and telling me he did not approve. He was good at making me feel I was stupid, I should have listened to him or that my thought/ feelings and life’s ambitions were insignificant because they were different from his viewpoints. A rough way to grow up – feeling you could never measure up and that you could do no good in Daddy’s eyes. I know deep down inside he loved me, but I never ever felt that way. It was kind of odd to hear people at the funeral praise my father and say what a wonderful, thoughtful, patient and caring man he was. I certainly never saw that side of him. He provided for us and we never wanted for anything. If you had a problem- after criticizing you, he had your back, but the emotional part- totally lacking. I mean the man threw a temper tantrum because he did not want to dance with me at my wedding.
After getting sicker and sicker, I asked him in December if I ever were to get married again if he would dance with me at my wedding or try and get out of it like he had the last time. I thought maybe his sickness would have put things into perspective for him, but he told me that he still would not want to dance with me. I mean how many times does a parent get that moment and once it is gone, you never get it back. If done right, you only get married once. I am in the process of a divorce and don’t know that I will ever remarry. A year ago I was very jaded, but now I hope I find happiness and that special someone because I deserve it. I have no idea where my life will take me – no one does. If I do ever reach that point again in my life, I always knew in the back of my head that there was a big chance my father would most likely not be around the second time because of his declining health. Now I know this as a certainty. Nonetheless, it would have been nice to know that if he were here, that he would have at least WANTED to dance with his daughter on her wedding day- but he did not. And I have to say it hurts.It hurts real bad that my father always made me feel like I did not matter to him. I can only hope now that while it is too late, he sees the error of his ways and he tries to redeem himself in any way he possibly can. I hope he helps me, guides me and leads me to good things in my life. Should I decide to wear his thumbie tomorrow, I hope he does right by me.
Well I think I have cried enough for one day and the writing has helped me to get some of this out of my system, but as I am already writing, I may as well give you some brief updates on the rest of my life.
They guy I am seeing that I think at one point I called a clingy, stalker that could not even fix my computer- well I have to say that I have gotten to know him better and he is pretty amazing. He does like to rush things and jump ahead a bit, but he is a good egg deep down. I think we have a lot in common or at least a strong foundation. It is still early on, but we will see where things go. I think part of my problem with him initially was that he actually treats me well and no one else ever has so I did not know how to react. It’s pretty sad when someone is actually so good to you and you think they are flawed because you are not used to being treated like a good person. Oh, and for the record, he came over one day – sick no less and spend over 2 ½ hours trying to figure out why my computer was not working and he did get it to work. The time and effort he put in- especially when he was not feeling well, goes a long way with me. I could have lived without the germs he spread, but a small price to pay. So to him I say a big “thank you”.
My ex- or soon to be ex- (1 month, 27 days and counting) is a true ass hole but we already knew that. He tried to come up for my father’s funeral but I told him it was not a good idea. He would have gotten stabbed – multiple times by various pissed off family members. Anyway, after months of stalking me, harassing me and causing me major aggravation, he has decided to change his phone number, not reply to my e-mails and stop paying my health insurance. Not that I need that piece of crap for anything, but when I legitimately needed to talk to him about something, he ignores me and is now doing things out of spite. I am close to being rid of him once and for all so I suppose all the better that he ignores me. I just hope he does not give me a hard time and signs the divorce papers. The only problem now is that I have to keep tabs on where he lives for the next month or two to make that happen.
My sister in law had a baby- she is 17. She ended up sending me an e-mail saying she was sorry about my father. I replied congratulating her on the baby and she sent some photos over which is where it all got started. I commented on one of the photos because it did not jive with something my ex had told me. Well we went back and forth to untangle a few more stories he had told me about. She told me that he is the biggest liar, he now has a drug, smoking, drinking and a gambling addiction. He does not own his parent’s home, or any home for that matter. So his great life accomplishment that he had tried to rub in my face was also a big fat lie. The car he keeps sending me photos of…. It belongs to his father. I’m not even sure if my ex has a car at this point, but the fancy one he keeps sending pictures of to make me feel that he is doing well is not even his. Occasionally his father lets him drive it from what I hear. Oh, and my sister in law verified that my ex was in fact hacking into my father’s e-mail account and keeping tabs on the entire family from afar. Then she told me that he apparently has a new girlfriend. Now while I too have moved on in that department, I have to admit that if I am being completely honest, I was a bit upset by this one.
I’m not really sure why that it. I think partly because I had hoped that his punishment for everything he did to me would be that he was lonely and depressed his entire life thinking about how good he had it and how badly he fucked up. The other part of it is knowing that there is the potential he would do to someone else what he did to me and she would not even see it coming and there is nothing I can do to stop it. All I know is I have to worry about me- I am moving on, I am happy in some respects and this is still going to be my year. In time, he will get what he has coming to him and hopefully I will have lots and lots of good things headed my way because I know now that I deserve them and despite how he tried to make me feel in the past- I really am a good person.
Very briefly- in other news, my father’s sister is not taking his death well. She has been a major drama queen the entire time. She called up yelling at us because the paper accidentally forgot her in the obituary. Then she had her daughter call up and yell at us. Not once did she say sorry for your loss or how are you doing, it was all about her and what she thought my father would have wanted or what people were going to think when they did not see her name in his obituary. She gave us attitude regarding his burial site, the service we selected and on and on. I was by his bedside when he passed- I think I know better than she what my father wanted because he made it very clear. OH, and then the crazy bitch invited my ex to the funeral and tells me that I am in the wrong and that my father would have wanted him there…..so I let her have it at that point.
Afterwards I did feel bad and it really was about my father and paying our respects so trying to be the better person, we put our differences aside for the funeral and I apologized to her. And while I hate to be wrong, I do admit I flew off the handle a bit. Despite the apology, it was still a weird tension at the funeral, but we all tried to do the right thing by her. We even took her in the limo with us the day of the funeral. Little did we know the limo ride to the cemetery was going to be another source of disaster. The rest of us were telling funny stories about my father, trying to remember him and the good times we had. Well the ice queen thought we should all be miserable and in mourning like her and she had the audacity to tell us to all “Please shut up” followed by “Do you think I can have some silence.” At that point, I made a noise- like a cat fighting in an alley. Probably inappropriate I know, but who the hell was she to make us all sit there in silence so she could sit there and wallow in self pity.
Anyway, since that time, I have reached out to my aunt on several occasions but she has ignored all my calls and refuses to speak to my mother. She had her daughter call up and leave nasty messages on her behalf a few times. I tried, but I am not going to beg her and then she apparently took it to the next level. As some time had past, I will fast forward to a week or two ago. It seems my aunt thought my sister made that cat call in the limo. You already should know from my last entry that my sister’s father in law passed away not too long ago. Out of respect for my sister, my aunt should have gone, but she did not. Upon returning home to Vegas, my sister got two cards in the mail. One addressed to her husband saying she was sorry for the loss of his father and she knows what a tight bond and what respect he had for his father. Apparently this was an extremely expensive card and the money was spent to make a point. Then there was the second card addressed to my sister- one my sister claims cost about 50 cents. This one was hand written and it read something like this:
Jessie,
They say that God forgives and forgets. For your sake, I hope that is true. I can not believe the blatant disrespect you showed to your father and to me on January 18th. How dare you make that cat call in the limo when all I wanted was a moment of silence. Your father was a good father, a good husband and a wonderful brother. His death left a huge hole in my heart and I can not believe that you would disrespect him the way you did. I hope he forgives you because I know I never will. So I guess this is my way of saying good bye to you forever. I hope God forgives you because I know I never will.
Rosie
Of course my mother did not take too kindly to this and she felt compelled to leave her a nasty message insinuating that perhaps she did not know her brother as well as she thought because even he would not forgive her for doing that to one of his children. As for me, I just try and stay out of it. Two wrongs don’t always make a right. But it is the ice queens birthday this month and my mother got her a thumbie too. As my aunt will not pick up for my mother, I have been instructed to call my aunt and invite her for dinner so my mother can give her the gift and make it known that my sister thought enough of her to suggest we order it. Secretly, my mother is hoping it burns a hole straight through her flesh. And again- I am trying not to get in the middle of this one as I have enough on my plate, but I will keep you posted.
For the most part, I think that sums up what has been going on in my life thus far. I spend much more time writing that I initially imagined I would, but I have gotten the emotional stuff off my chest so now I can move past it and focus. Tomorrow is a big day for me so wish me luck and let’s hope that with the start of March, brings the start of many new, positive, happy and good things into my life. And somewhere out there, I know my Daddy is feeling bad, so hopefully he will help me find my way. I just hope the direction he points me in is a good one.
Until I write again……
I started up a fundraising thing for the American Liver Foundation. I saw what my father went through, how much his medicines were costing and the great care he was receiving from his doctors. But there are people living with his disease that can’t afford their medicines, don’t have health coverage or good doctors to go to bat for them. And so this year I decided I wanted to make a difference- my way of giving back and knowing that despite all the other failures I had in my life, that I was indeed doing something for a greater good, serving a purpose rather than wasting space on this Earth and helping others. And should my father not make it, then I would do it every year in his memory. So I spend hours putting together my web page, researching things and trying to get this off the ground. As team captain running a fundraising event, I was getting into more than I thought, but I am always up for a good challenge. I’ve been putting so much time and effort into this over the past few months. I have been trying to recruit people to walk with me and no one seems interested thus far which is kind of frustrating.
It turns out my father passed so instead of walking with him or for him, I will be walking in honor of him. I think though that what bothers me the most, is that I put all this time and effort in and that my father didn’t understand me or why I was doing it. Like everything else in my life, he made me feel as if I were wasting my time. To the very end, he made me feel like it was a stupid idea. Well, nonetheless, I have committed to doing this and I will not see it fail. People said they wanted to help or would walk, but I can only do so much. My own brother and sister have not even gotten so involved which of all people surprises me the most. In any event, I have raised almost $2,000 on my own so far and am not done yet. I still have some more funds to send in and I am trying to plan a comedy for a cause night or some other charity events to raise funds for the cause, but my life is so complicated right now that I feel like I am splitting my time so many ways.
Perhaps my father thought I was stupid or wasting my time, but I don’t feel that way. I am determined to succeed at this. I have to- I failed at everything else, I have to be able to do this one thing right. So I pour everything I have into it when I find the time. I stay up until all hours sending out thanks you notes and e-mail’s to recruit for donations or team members to walk with me. So far I seem to be the only one doing anything. There are days I just want to say fuck it and give up, but I will not. I committed to this and I will see it through. Perhaps my father never would have been proud of me, but for once, I am going to do something and be proud of myself.
I wish I had time to write more but normally I don’t. Today just happened to be a really bad day and I needed to get some stuff off my chest so I could move on and attempt to have the productive day I set out to have. Not that anyone really reads this, should anyone stumble upon this and wish to read on my cause, why I walk, donate or join the team to support my efforts, here is the link:
http://go.liverfoundation.org/goto/JeannetteJerome
Other than that, I walk for the American Liver Foundation because that is the disease my Daddy suffered from for the longest. I know far more about the disease, the medications, the side effect than anyone should have to that is not a trained medical professional, but such is life. While Liver Disease was one ailment he had, about a month before he passed, he was diagnosed with Lymphoma in the stomach. A later PET Scan showed he had “hot spots” in his small intestines- probably the cause of the 2 or 3 bowel obstructions he suffered from in December. His gastroentenologist was a complete jackass and I hate the man. We complained of things earlier on but the man overlooked them time and time again. I’m not sure having found the cancer sooner would have helped any- the cancer and the liver disease took him off the transplant list, but it would have been nice to know that doctor did his job. So many doctors looked upon my father like he was too sick to be helped, like he was a drunk that brought this upon himself and that was not the case at all. I can’t even tell you how many doctors I got nasty with so he got treated properly and they showed a little more care in his treatment, but that is whether here nor there.
I got sidetracked as I often do when I write but the purpose of me writing today was to say that it is supposed to be a productive day. I need to focus today and I can’t. You see back in January, I saw a listing for the Lymphoma and Leukemia Society for a job that I had such interest in. I have always wanted to feel that my life served a greater purpose- that I made a difference in some way. Now with my father gone and the fundraising efforts I have started, I wanted to possibly do more of this on a larger scale. Many of the non-profits I found are located in Manhattan and I am not keen on the 2 hour commute. I also lack some of the experience in that sector. If I do well with my fathers fundraising and keep up with it, it will hopefully lead me down that track in the future – at least that is the plan right now.
Well, as I started to say, I found a job listing for a non-profit on Long Island. The commute would not be an issue, it would take me in an entirely different direction which I think I want right now and it would make me feel a sense of purpose. So I applied, hunted down the key people, made sure to write a well written cover letter and get my resume in front of some key people. This was on January 11th – 3 days before my father passed. It was for some sort of campaign manager job- similar to what I was doing on my own for the Liver Foundation but to a much larger extent. I really have no experience with this professionally and am very new to the fundraising thing, but there was something about this job that made me apply and the fact that my father was just diagnosed with lymphoma made it all that more appealing to me. To speed up some so this does not drag on forever, I received an e-mail back that the spot was filled or that they had candidates with more non- profit experience. I normally take the approach if it is meant to be, then it is meant to be and I guess this is not my calling in life so I chug on until I find what is.
Well last week I received an e-mail from one of the people I had tracked down to get my resume in front of and they have a new spot open at a higher level. I must have made some sort of impression with my cover letter because she asked if I would be interested in being considered- naturally, I said I would. I have an interview tomorrow morning. She sent me the job description and while I know with the proper mentorship, I can totally rise to the challenge, I have to admit I am a bit nervous that things will not go so well. I have never done anything like this before and the responsibilities are vast and huge. Normally I would look at the job description and say this is not me or I have not done this, but not with this job. While I know that is the case, I am going in and I am going to dazzle them in any way I know how. I will smile, let my personality and desire to succeed shine through and if not for this spot, I know they will love me- they just have to. I am going in and I will do my best and all I can hope for is that my in person impression is as good as my written impression. I am hoping they like me enough to find me a spot within the organization even if the one I am going in for is not the most suitable fit.
So all that being said, today was my day of no distractions and focus. I needed to read up on the job description, know the programs they are referring to inside an out, come up with some creative ideas how my talent best benefit them and really just know what they do and impress them with my knowledge of their cause. There is still plenty of time in the day for that, but I have to admit, I feel like I wasted some valuable time this morning.
In my last entry you heard me refer to the “thumbies”. Well when my father passed we had an impression of his thumbprint taken and they put onto a piece of jewelry. I picked up the thumbies a few weeks ago but they came with no chains. Last Friday I hit a really good sale and got my sister a few chains to go with her thumbies as a birthday present and I decided to get myself a few chains as well. This morning, I decided to take the thumbies out of the box and put the chains on them. The plan was to wear my Daddy’s thumb print around my neck when I go to my interview tomorrow hoping that it would bring me some sort of extra luck. The problem is that I put the thumbie on today and now I have not been able to stop crying since and I am afraid that if I wear it tomorrow, I may fall apart. As is the thought of possibly working for this organization makes me emotionally distraught as I want this so badly. The fact that after all this time the woman remembered me enough to contact me back has to mean something- or doesn’t it? Maybe I am putting to much emphasis on this, but I am hoping this happened for a reason, and a good reason at that.
I have so much confusion in my life and I just don’t know what to do first. My mother has no clue and while I help her, she is very draining and it takes away from me getting my life in order. So one day while she was at work, I picked up a picture of my father and I began talking to it. I told my father that I hated that he always made me feel like I was not good enough, that he always disapproved of every decision I made and made me feel like I could never measure up. I then asked him to redeem himself in the afterlife. I asked him to help me find my way and lead me to things in my life that he did actually approve of. I just for once wanted him to be proud of something I did, but I guess that will never be there case.
For a long time, I was disappointed with the way things turned out in my life over the past year. I feel like I wasted a ton of time, that jobs I wanted did not pan out or that my life plans needed to be put on hold when my father fell ill and then got worse and worse. I know now that things happen for a reason and that it was meant for me to be where I am and it was not meant for certain things to work out so that I had the time to be with my parents during this very difficult transition. There is also a part of me that believes (or maybe wants to believe because it just makes things easier to digest) that when the timing is right, everything in my life will just magically fall into place. 2010 is supposed to be my year remember? Well I spend the first month dealing with my father and more funerals than I care to remember. I then needed to get mentally adjusted. I spend the entire month of February trying to help my mother get adjusted and help her figure out the finances. In the mix, I managed to make just a little time for myself and have spent it getting things in order so that once I am working, certain things that needed to be done during business hours were taken care of and out of the way.
My aunt from Virginia came to visit with my father in December. She is very religions and during her stay she once told me that God had a plan for me and I was right where I needed to be. She told me that it was not meant for me to be working and that one day, the curtains would open and things would all of the sudden fall into place for me. She told me to wait and see because I would have the most wonderful job when the timing was right. While I totally agreed with her, I hope that now is my time. I hope the curtains will open big and wide and reveal the next wonderful phase of my life. I hope that the fact that this woman contacted me from over a month and a half ago happened for a reason. I hope and I pray that I am not making too much of things and that this is finally my time- the time I have long been waiting for. I hope that from here on in, things just fall into place in my life. I am hoping that I finally get that glimpse of the rainbow I have spend years waiting for.
So today, was to be my day of focus so I could hit it out of the park tomorrow on my interview. Unfortunately, my emotions took me for a different turn. To be honest, I think it all started when the guy I am seeing asked me to tell him about my father and what he was good at or I liked most about him. The immediate thing that came to mind was that he was good at judging, criticizing and telling me he did not approve. He was good at making me feel I was stupid, I should have listened to him or that my thought/ feelings and life’s ambitions were insignificant because they were different from his viewpoints. A rough way to grow up – feeling you could never measure up and that you could do no good in Daddy’s eyes. I know deep down inside he loved me, but I never ever felt that way. It was kind of odd to hear people at the funeral praise my father and say what a wonderful, thoughtful, patient and caring man he was. I certainly never saw that side of him. He provided for us and we never wanted for anything. If you had a problem- after criticizing you, he had your back, but the emotional part- totally lacking. I mean the man threw a temper tantrum because he did not want to dance with me at my wedding.
After getting sicker and sicker, I asked him in December if I ever were to get married again if he would dance with me at my wedding or try and get out of it like he had the last time. I thought maybe his sickness would have put things into perspective for him, but he told me that he still would not want to dance with me. I mean how many times does a parent get that moment and once it is gone, you never get it back. If done right, you only get married once. I am in the process of a divorce and don’t know that I will ever remarry. A year ago I was very jaded, but now I hope I find happiness and that special someone because I deserve it. I have no idea where my life will take me – no one does. If I do ever reach that point again in my life, I always knew in the back of my head that there was a big chance my father would most likely not be around the second time because of his declining health. Now I know this as a certainty. Nonetheless, it would have been nice to know that if he were here, that he would have at least WANTED to dance with his daughter on her wedding day- but he did not. And I have to say it hurts.It hurts real bad that my father always made me feel like I did not matter to him. I can only hope now that while it is too late, he sees the error of his ways and he tries to redeem himself in any way he possibly can. I hope he helps me, guides me and leads me to good things in my life. Should I decide to wear his thumbie tomorrow, I hope he does right by me.
Well I think I have cried enough for one day and the writing has helped me to get some of this out of my system, but as I am already writing, I may as well give you some brief updates on the rest of my life.
They guy I am seeing that I think at one point I called a clingy, stalker that could not even fix my computer- well I have to say that I have gotten to know him better and he is pretty amazing. He does like to rush things and jump ahead a bit, but he is a good egg deep down. I think we have a lot in common or at least a strong foundation. It is still early on, but we will see where things go. I think part of my problem with him initially was that he actually treats me well and no one else ever has so I did not know how to react. It’s pretty sad when someone is actually so good to you and you think they are flawed because you are not used to being treated like a good person. Oh, and for the record, he came over one day – sick no less and spend over 2 ½ hours trying to figure out why my computer was not working and he did get it to work. The time and effort he put in- especially when he was not feeling well, goes a long way with me. I could have lived without the germs he spread, but a small price to pay. So to him I say a big “thank you”.
My ex- or soon to be ex- (1 month, 27 days and counting) is a true ass hole but we already knew that. He tried to come up for my father’s funeral but I told him it was not a good idea. He would have gotten stabbed – multiple times by various pissed off family members. Anyway, after months of stalking me, harassing me and causing me major aggravation, he has decided to change his phone number, not reply to my e-mails and stop paying my health insurance. Not that I need that piece of crap for anything, but when I legitimately needed to talk to him about something, he ignores me and is now doing things out of spite. I am close to being rid of him once and for all so I suppose all the better that he ignores me. I just hope he does not give me a hard time and signs the divorce papers. The only problem now is that I have to keep tabs on where he lives for the next month or two to make that happen.
My sister in law had a baby- she is 17. She ended up sending me an e-mail saying she was sorry about my father. I replied congratulating her on the baby and she sent some photos over which is where it all got started. I commented on one of the photos because it did not jive with something my ex had told me. Well we went back and forth to untangle a few more stories he had told me about. She told me that he is the biggest liar, he now has a drug, smoking, drinking and a gambling addiction. He does not own his parent’s home, or any home for that matter. So his great life accomplishment that he had tried to rub in my face was also a big fat lie. The car he keeps sending me photos of…. It belongs to his father. I’m not even sure if my ex has a car at this point, but the fancy one he keeps sending pictures of to make me feel that he is doing well is not even his. Occasionally his father lets him drive it from what I hear. Oh, and my sister in law verified that my ex was in fact hacking into my father’s e-mail account and keeping tabs on the entire family from afar. Then she told me that he apparently has a new girlfriend. Now while I too have moved on in that department, I have to admit that if I am being completely honest, I was a bit upset by this one.
I’m not really sure why that it. I think partly because I had hoped that his punishment for everything he did to me would be that he was lonely and depressed his entire life thinking about how good he had it and how badly he fucked up. The other part of it is knowing that there is the potential he would do to someone else what he did to me and she would not even see it coming and there is nothing I can do to stop it. All I know is I have to worry about me- I am moving on, I am happy in some respects and this is still going to be my year. In time, he will get what he has coming to him and hopefully I will have lots and lots of good things headed my way because I know now that I deserve them and despite how he tried to make me feel in the past- I really am a good person.
Very briefly- in other news, my father’s sister is not taking his death well. She has been a major drama queen the entire time. She called up yelling at us because the paper accidentally forgot her in the obituary. Then she had her daughter call up and yell at us. Not once did she say sorry for your loss or how are you doing, it was all about her and what she thought my father would have wanted or what people were going to think when they did not see her name in his obituary. She gave us attitude regarding his burial site, the service we selected and on and on. I was by his bedside when he passed- I think I know better than she what my father wanted because he made it very clear. OH, and then the crazy bitch invited my ex to the funeral and tells me that I am in the wrong and that my father would have wanted him there…..so I let her have it at that point.
Afterwards I did feel bad and it really was about my father and paying our respects so trying to be the better person, we put our differences aside for the funeral and I apologized to her. And while I hate to be wrong, I do admit I flew off the handle a bit. Despite the apology, it was still a weird tension at the funeral, but we all tried to do the right thing by her. We even took her in the limo with us the day of the funeral. Little did we know the limo ride to the cemetery was going to be another source of disaster. The rest of us were telling funny stories about my father, trying to remember him and the good times we had. Well the ice queen thought we should all be miserable and in mourning like her and she had the audacity to tell us to all “Please shut up” followed by “Do you think I can have some silence.” At that point, I made a noise- like a cat fighting in an alley. Probably inappropriate I know, but who the hell was she to make us all sit there in silence so she could sit there and wallow in self pity.
Anyway, since that time, I have reached out to my aunt on several occasions but she has ignored all my calls and refuses to speak to my mother. She had her daughter call up and leave nasty messages on her behalf a few times. I tried, but I am not going to beg her and then she apparently took it to the next level. As some time had past, I will fast forward to a week or two ago. It seems my aunt thought my sister made that cat call in the limo. You already should know from my last entry that my sister’s father in law passed away not too long ago. Out of respect for my sister, my aunt should have gone, but she did not. Upon returning home to Vegas, my sister got two cards in the mail. One addressed to her husband saying she was sorry for the loss of his father and she knows what a tight bond and what respect he had for his father. Apparently this was an extremely expensive card and the money was spent to make a point. Then there was the second card addressed to my sister- one my sister claims cost about 50 cents. This one was hand written and it read something like this:
Jessie,
They say that God forgives and forgets. For your sake, I hope that is true. I can not believe the blatant disrespect you showed to your father and to me on January 18th. How dare you make that cat call in the limo when all I wanted was a moment of silence. Your father was a good father, a good husband and a wonderful brother. His death left a huge hole in my heart and I can not believe that you would disrespect him the way you did. I hope he forgives you because I know I never will. So I guess this is my way of saying good bye to you forever. I hope God forgives you because I know I never will.
Rosie
Of course my mother did not take too kindly to this and she felt compelled to leave her a nasty message insinuating that perhaps she did not know her brother as well as she thought because even he would not forgive her for doing that to one of his children. As for me, I just try and stay out of it. Two wrongs don’t always make a right. But it is the ice queens birthday this month and my mother got her a thumbie too. As my aunt will not pick up for my mother, I have been instructed to call my aunt and invite her for dinner so my mother can give her the gift and make it known that my sister thought enough of her to suggest we order it. Secretly, my mother is hoping it burns a hole straight through her flesh. And again- I am trying not to get in the middle of this one as I have enough on my plate, but I will keep you posted.
For the most part, I think that sums up what has been going on in my life thus far. I spend much more time writing that I initially imagined I would, but I have gotten the emotional stuff off my chest so now I can move past it and focus. Tomorrow is a big day for me so wish me luck and let’s hope that with the start of March, brings the start of many new, positive, happy and good things into my life. And somewhere out there, I know my Daddy is feeling bad, so hopefully he will help me find my way. I just hope the direction he points me in is a good one.
Until I write again……
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