It has been a long while since I have written and I guess it is time for a brief update. I love to write and usually take my time, but time seems to be slipping away lately- maybe because I feel I am being pulled in so many different directions. I normally write when there is a lot going on in my life or when I feel sad an overwhelmed. I don’t know that now is the appropriate time for me to be writing given my whereabouts, but I am feeling a bit sad today. Honestly, I have been feeling a bit sad for the past few weeks to tell you the truth. I don’t know if it is a factor of changing times, changes in my life or just the timing of an event that has very deep meaning for me that is around the corner.
I wish I could write more but to sum up over 2 months in my life in the few brief moments I have to spare is impossibility. Anyway- here is what is going on:
I did not get the job I was hoping for, but started another one at the beginning of April. At first I was super excited- the money was decent to start with, there was the potential to make more, the commute is oh so sweet and they are sending me to school twice a week which is a huge plus and confidence booster in my new role. Other than that, after two weeks, the office drama started, I started to see just how messed up the company is, what little guidance I am going to be receiving and that the job is not all that easy. I ended up in sales which I swore I never would do, but here I am. (I guess desperation and needing to get back to work.) It seemed like a good place to start at the time and given all the other crap options I had out there, this was my second choice after the fundraising job. In any event, I looked at it as a good place to springboard into my next move or to potentially plant my feet, prove myself and advance in the company. As of today- it is just a job until the market improves some and we will take it day by day.
The messed up part is that I waited so long to start over and now that I have started over, I am wondering if I need to start over yet again. The person training me is quitting or getting fired for what seems to be personal reasons or conflicts of interest. The other manager I am supposed to report to is never in the office and I was told that he is being nice to me since I am new, but eventually I would be annoying him and he would yell at me so I should limit my contact. Great environment! And my mentor…..a 25 year old who ironically is the only one that knows semi what he is doing. What on Earth have I gotten myself into? Everyone is bitching and complaining. You can cut the tension in the air with a knife some days and I should not have so much anxiety about going to work after only one and a half months. The thought of what I have been through, where I still need to get to and possibly having to start all over again makes me want to vomit and then cry. Why does life have to be so unfair? I do know that what does not kill you makes you stronger, but come on- don’t I deserve just a tiny little break. Why does everything in my life have to be an uphill battle?
In other news, the family feud is still going on since the funeral. I try and make the best of it and play nice with all the parties involved, but somehow I get caught in the middle and get fired upon from all directions. I try and explain that two wrongs do not make a right and if people have issues, take it up with them not me, but they don’t care. Some days I feel like a human punching bag.
My lawyer is supposedly processing my divorce paperwork. She was quick to tell me that I needed to give her a $400 court filing fee separate from my retainer, but now she is slow as shit to answer my calls or get the actual paperwork processed. I am excited the year is up, but at the same time, I’m having mixed emotions on occasion as this is finalizing a big portion of my life. That being said, I know with 100% certainty that I have made the right decision and I have moved on. The new man in my life is a really good guy. He treats me well, we have a lot in common, great communication and I feel like we come from the same place and are looking for the same if not similar things in life. I have no idea where we are headed and that is scary for me. Well, the fact that I have no clue where my entire life is headed is scary, but it is what it is. One day at a time and hope for the best, learn from my mistakes and move on.
The one thing I have noticed though is that I struggle to find balance in my life. Right now I could use the downtime as I have a ton of things to catch up on. I have allowed my new man to occupy much of my time in the past few months and know the importance of still being my own person and doing things for myself. That is something I am going to have to make a bigger emphasis on in the coming weeks and months. That being said, he does have his own “self” for lack of better words. He has his friends, his activities he enjoys and manages to occupy every ounce of his time when we are not together. I wish I had half his energy but at the same time, it makes me wonder why he needs to constantly be doing something with someone. He is still a wonderful person, but what I have noticed lately is that if he has something better to do, he does it. Maybe I am making too much of it because I am just moody lately and for some reason just feel like crying all the time, but it appears that he calls me or wants to do something when he does not have anything else to occupy his time. Again, probably me making too much of things, but I will keep an eye on this and see if my concerns are warranted. I really thought otherwise, but it would really kind of suck if I were just a space filler when he had nothing more exciting to do.
Actually I know that is not true, but something just feels weird lately that I am wondering what has changed. He is genuinely good, but at times I feel like I respect his time and the time he needs to do his things with his friends, but when it comes to me- there are times when I feel he is open to me doing my thing or spending time with my friends. That being said, I also notice he hints heavily to spend time with him and not them and brings up the fact that there will always be some other time for this or that with my friends. Where this is all coming from, I have no idea but when I get into a mood, my mind sometimes get the best of me.
Moving quickly to other topics, I had my first birthday without my father which was very sad. I cried most of that morning and did not feel much up to celebrating, but that is nothing new for me. Two weeks later it was my brother’s b-day and he too was depressed and did not want to do anything so maybe it was not just me after all. This past Sunday was Mother’s day and this week is my mother’s wedding anniversary so everyone seems to be so depressed lately. Easter was the first holiday without my dad and at first it just seemed like an ordinary day. It was the weekend after I started my new job so I was not really wanting to go crazy as I was still adjusting to my new schedule. It happened to be 70 degrees that day so my mom and I planned to go to the beach but ended up staying home and sitting in the sun having a quiet day. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I went for a walk that day and saw people bringing plants to relatives, carrying trays of food in and I suddenly felt pathetic. With the entire family at odds, it was just my mother and I. Calling to wish everyone a Happy Easter had prompted them to all feel sorry for us that we were not doing much of anything and all the sudden my mother and I were in tears.
This Sunday coming up is the walk for the Liver Foundation in memory of my father. So far the team has raised over $5,000 and counting, but it has been like pulling teeth to get anyone involved. For a very long time I was the only one doing anything. Thankfully some of my friends, my boyfriend and other family members are finally helping out. Of course there was drama along the way, but I don’t have time to get into that unfortunately. In the end, the money goes to the same place for the same cause which is OK in my book. With the walk less than a week away, I think it has stirred up a bit of emotion. Up until very recently, my brother, sister and even my mother have not taken an active part in the cause. I have come to learn it is most likely because it forces reality into their faces. I too find that when I am having a rough day I try and do something to occupy my time. I am Ok when I am not thinking, but when I stop to think, that is when it all hits me. I just have a feeling that this Sunday, there will be no escaping it. I think the amount of people that show up will be overwhelming for me and knowing why I am there and why I walk will not be something I can any longer ignore.
In an attempt to raise additional funds, I have been contacting old friends/ colleagues of my father. Some have been so generous and helpful. Others sent me kind words, messages of what my father meant to them and how much they missed him even months after. Each message brings tears to my eyes as I miss him too and lately, more and more. I set out to make a difference and that is what I will continue to do. I only hope my daddy is looking down and is proud of me for once in my life. I set out to do this fundraiser to make a difference after seeing what he went through. There was a part of me that knew he may not make it to the walk- he even knew it. He said to me, “What is the point, I will not be able to walk.” At the time my mother replied, “Well then I will push you in your wheelchair so you can be with us.” To this he said, “Well what if I am no longer here?” I quickly answered, “Well then we will walk in your memory, this year and every year so that hopefully we can make a difference so others do not have to go through what you are going through.” I never could tell if he got it or thought I was wasting my time, but I would like to think that now, he gets it and maybe, just maybe he is proud of what I have accomplished and set out to do.
On that note, there is still time and every penny counts. One less cup of Starbucks is not going to be the end of you, but it may help save the life of another. If anyone reading this would like to donate to my very personal cause or read about why I walk, please check out my personal fundraising page. http://go.liverfoundation.org/goto/JeannetteJerome
And in the midst of all this craziness and job and insurance changes, I decided to break up with my therapist after 2 years. She has been a huge help, put things into perspective for me and mostly been an ear to listen and a source of advice when I became overwhelmed and could not figure it out on my own. Never did I imagine leaving her office in tears and being so upset I had made that choice. I think close to 3 weeks have passed now and I am trying to manage on my own, but look at me now- worried, anxious, confused, nervous, scared and uncertain. I’m not sure she can even help with all that, but boy is the world a frightening place. All I can do is hope that because I am a good person, have been through a lot, that when the timing is right, good things will come my way. Little by little they are, but sometimes it is hard to see the rainbow though all the clouds. I just have to stay strong, keep focused and have faith that good times, better times and hopefully easier times lie ahead of me. (They just have to be)
Well I would love to write more, but time is limited and I should probably get back to work now. While this was not my best blog entry, I do thank anyone reading this for letting me share and for being a part of my daily routine. As I continue to find my place in this world and make heads or tails of the life that has been handed me, I will check in from time to time to say hi, tell you how I am feeling and update you on my whereabouts. Just know that no matter how tough life it, you are not alone- others are going through it too and there is unfortunately always someone worse off than yourself. Sometimes I lose sight of that, but given everything I have been through, I am very blessed, very fortunate and very appreciate of the things I have going for me in my life.
I wish I could write more but to sum up over 2 months in my life in the few brief moments I have to spare is impossibility. Anyway- here is what is going on:
I did not get the job I was hoping for, but started another one at the beginning of April. At first I was super excited- the money was decent to start with, there was the potential to make more, the commute is oh so sweet and they are sending me to school twice a week which is a huge plus and confidence booster in my new role. Other than that, after two weeks, the office drama started, I started to see just how messed up the company is, what little guidance I am going to be receiving and that the job is not all that easy. I ended up in sales which I swore I never would do, but here I am. (I guess desperation and needing to get back to work.) It seemed like a good place to start at the time and given all the other crap options I had out there, this was my second choice after the fundraising job. In any event, I looked at it as a good place to springboard into my next move or to potentially plant my feet, prove myself and advance in the company. As of today- it is just a job until the market improves some and we will take it day by day.
The messed up part is that I waited so long to start over and now that I have started over, I am wondering if I need to start over yet again. The person training me is quitting or getting fired for what seems to be personal reasons or conflicts of interest. The other manager I am supposed to report to is never in the office and I was told that he is being nice to me since I am new, but eventually I would be annoying him and he would yell at me so I should limit my contact. Great environment! And my mentor…..a 25 year old who ironically is the only one that knows semi what he is doing. What on Earth have I gotten myself into? Everyone is bitching and complaining. You can cut the tension in the air with a knife some days and I should not have so much anxiety about going to work after only one and a half months. The thought of what I have been through, where I still need to get to and possibly having to start all over again makes me want to vomit and then cry. Why does life have to be so unfair? I do know that what does not kill you makes you stronger, but come on- don’t I deserve just a tiny little break. Why does everything in my life have to be an uphill battle?
In other news, the family feud is still going on since the funeral. I try and make the best of it and play nice with all the parties involved, but somehow I get caught in the middle and get fired upon from all directions. I try and explain that two wrongs do not make a right and if people have issues, take it up with them not me, but they don’t care. Some days I feel like a human punching bag.
My lawyer is supposedly processing my divorce paperwork. She was quick to tell me that I needed to give her a $400 court filing fee separate from my retainer, but now she is slow as shit to answer my calls or get the actual paperwork processed. I am excited the year is up, but at the same time, I’m having mixed emotions on occasion as this is finalizing a big portion of my life. That being said, I know with 100% certainty that I have made the right decision and I have moved on. The new man in my life is a really good guy. He treats me well, we have a lot in common, great communication and I feel like we come from the same place and are looking for the same if not similar things in life. I have no idea where we are headed and that is scary for me. Well, the fact that I have no clue where my entire life is headed is scary, but it is what it is. One day at a time and hope for the best, learn from my mistakes and move on.
The one thing I have noticed though is that I struggle to find balance in my life. Right now I could use the downtime as I have a ton of things to catch up on. I have allowed my new man to occupy much of my time in the past few months and know the importance of still being my own person and doing things for myself. That is something I am going to have to make a bigger emphasis on in the coming weeks and months. That being said, he does have his own “self” for lack of better words. He has his friends, his activities he enjoys and manages to occupy every ounce of his time when we are not together. I wish I had half his energy but at the same time, it makes me wonder why he needs to constantly be doing something with someone. He is still a wonderful person, but what I have noticed lately is that if he has something better to do, he does it. Maybe I am making too much of it because I am just moody lately and for some reason just feel like crying all the time, but it appears that he calls me or wants to do something when he does not have anything else to occupy his time. Again, probably me making too much of things, but I will keep an eye on this and see if my concerns are warranted. I really thought otherwise, but it would really kind of suck if I were just a space filler when he had nothing more exciting to do.
Actually I know that is not true, but something just feels weird lately that I am wondering what has changed. He is genuinely good, but at times I feel like I respect his time and the time he needs to do his things with his friends, but when it comes to me- there are times when I feel he is open to me doing my thing or spending time with my friends. That being said, I also notice he hints heavily to spend time with him and not them and brings up the fact that there will always be some other time for this or that with my friends. Where this is all coming from, I have no idea but when I get into a mood, my mind sometimes get the best of me.
Moving quickly to other topics, I had my first birthday without my father which was very sad. I cried most of that morning and did not feel much up to celebrating, but that is nothing new for me. Two weeks later it was my brother’s b-day and he too was depressed and did not want to do anything so maybe it was not just me after all. This past Sunday was Mother’s day and this week is my mother’s wedding anniversary so everyone seems to be so depressed lately. Easter was the first holiday without my dad and at first it just seemed like an ordinary day. It was the weekend after I started my new job so I was not really wanting to go crazy as I was still adjusting to my new schedule. It happened to be 70 degrees that day so my mom and I planned to go to the beach but ended up staying home and sitting in the sun having a quiet day. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but I went for a walk that day and saw people bringing plants to relatives, carrying trays of food in and I suddenly felt pathetic. With the entire family at odds, it was just my mother and I. Calling to wish everyone a Happy Easter had prompted them to all feel sorry for us that we were not doing much of anything and all the sudden my mother and I were in tears.
This Sunday coming up is the walk for the Liver Foundation in memory of my father. So far the team has raised over $5,000 and counting, but it has been like pulling teeth to get anyone involved. For a very long time I was the only one doing anything. Thankfully some of my friends, my boyfriend and other family members are finally helping out. Of course there was drama along the way, but I don’t have time to get into that unfortunately. In the end, the money goes to the same place for the same cause which is OK in my book. With the walk less than a week away, I think it has stirred up a bit of emotion. Up until very recently, my brother, sister and even my mother have not taken an active part in the cause. I have come to learn it is most likely because it forces reality into their faces. I too find that when I am having a rough day I try and do something to occupy my time. I am Ok when I am not thinking, but when I stop to think, that is when it all hits me. I just have a feeling that this Sunday, there will be no escaping it. I think the amount of people that show up will be overwhelming for me and knowing why I am there and why I walk will not be something I can any longer ignore.
In an attempt to raise additional funds, I have been contacting old friends/ colleagues of my father. Some have been so generous and helpful. Others sent me kind words, messages of what my father meant to them and how much they missed him even months after. Each message brings tears to my eyes as I miss him too and lately, more and more. I set out to make a difference and that is what I will continue to do. I only hope my daddy is looking down and is proud of me for once in my life. I set out to do this fundraiser to make a difference after seeing what he went through. There was a part of me that knew he may not make it to the walk- he even knew it. He said to me, “What is the point, I will not be able to walk.” At the time my mother replied, “Well then I will push you in your wheelchair so you can be with us.” To this he said, “Well what if I am no longer here?” I quickly answered, “Well then we will walk in your memory, this year and every year so that hopefully we can make a difference so others do not have to go through what you are going through.” I never could tell if he got it or thought I was wasting my time, but I would like to think that now, he gets it and maybe, just maybe he is proud of what I have accomplished and set out to do.
On that note, there is still time and every penny counts. One less cup of Starbucks is not going to be the end of you, but it may help save the life of another. If anyone reading this would like to donate to my very personal cause or read about why I walk, please check out my personal fundraising page. http://go.liverfoundation.org/goto/JeannetteJerome
And in the midst of all this craziness and job and insurance changes, I decided to break up with my therapist after 2 years. She has been a huge help, put things into perspective for me and mostly been an ear to listen and a source of advice when I became overwhelmed and could not figure it out on my own. Never did I imagine leaving her office in tears and being so upset I had made that choice. I think close to 3 weeks have passed now and I am trying to manage on my own, but look at me now- worried, anxious, confused, nervous, scared and uncertain. I’m not sure she can even help with all that, but boy is the world a frightening place. All I can do is hope that because I am a good person, have been through a lot, that when the timing is right, good things will come my way. Little by little they are, but sometimes it is hard to see the rainbow though all the clouds. I just have to stay strong, keep focused and have faith that good times, better times and hopefully easier times lie ahead of me. (They just have to be)
Well I would love to write more, but time is limited and I should probably get back to work now. While this was not my best blog entry, I do thank anyone reading this for letting me share and for being a part of my daily routine. As I continue to find my place in this world and make heads or tails of the life that has been handed me, I will check in from time to time to say hi, tell you how I am feeling and update you on my whereabouts. Just know that no matter how tough life it, you are not alone- others are going through it too and there is unfortunately always someone worse off than yourself. Sometimes I lose sight of that, but given everything I have been through, I am very blessed, very fortunate and very appreciate of the things I have going for me in my life.
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