A Bad Day

It has been quiet some time since I have had the opportunity to write. Believe me, there are days that I could have used it because I just needed to get some stuff off my chest, but it has been so so hectic that I have not really had the opportunity until just now. If I wrote every day or even at different intervals throughout the day, my story would have been different. That’s how fast things have been changing and how much has been going on. Unfortunately since we are approaching 3 weeks or so since I last wrote, you all get the abbreviated version with some expansions here and there.

I don’t even know where to start- the new boyfriend that seems to be too clingy and I am not sure what to make of it, my soon to be ex-husband that screwed me with the health insurance, is now a confirmed drug addict with a gambling problem and who is ignoring me out of spite. Let’s see, then there is the fact that my sister’s father in law passed away and the funeral was held in the same room and same funeral home as my father….. two weeks apart. There is the fact that my aunt is not dealing well and has written off the entire family in grief and disgust. There were the 8 hours I spend one day figuring out the mortgage and having to explain to the utility companies why they should not turn things off because of missed payments. There have been life insurance company notifications, more forms than I care to mention and it is not even part way done. There is the fact that in my grief, my entire family decided to buy the wall at Pinelawn Memorial Cemetery next to my father and while it seemed like a good idea at the time, I now have to pay it off over the next 9 years. I am 33, buying a crypt, but not just one- my mother and sister talked me into two should I get married again. So now for 9 years I will be paying that off for my phantom husband. (OK so I technically had him hold the spots for me. Part of me says bad idea, part of me says “do it” because sick as it is, I want to be buried there. I do love it and my great grandparents are in Pinelawn and of all the cemeteries, it is the one I love the best.) Had it now snowed today, I probably would have gone to sign the contract. I guess now the salesman with zero personality who makes a quick buck because his item is unfortunately a necessity, will just have to keep on calling to see when I am coming down.

Where to start…..well, looks like I started with the cemetery crypt I plan on buying. I do have to say, that my father may not have been the best husband and he may not have been the best father, but he did provide for his family financially- something he told me he was most proud of. I guess there is a part of me that took after him. I am all about saving for the future, my retirement, making sure I have adequate life insurance, money in the bank and now apparently a place to be laid to rest. I know it is too soon to be worried about such things, but should I need it, at this point in time, that is where I want to be. I always loved my great grandparents place of rest and thought it was classy. I don’t want to be in the ground and I don’t want to be burned, so being placed in a vault in a wall seems like the perfect compromise. And should things change down the line, or should I not be able to afford it, I can sell it back to the cemetery, sell it privately or if it is paid off, I can sell it for a profit. So they way I look at it, it is kind of like a no lose investment. But I suppose my unemployment check could probably be put to better use.

OK, I have so much catching up to do that I am literally all over the place. Normally if it was an isolated incident, I would get into much more detail as you have seen me do in past entries, but I need to keep it quick and get to the point to catch you all up to speed. That being said, I have been a bit frazzled to say the least in the past few weeks. My sister ended up staying a week with my mother which was nice. We did girlie things but it started to get old or should I say out of hand. My mother wanted to shop, do lunch, go here, there and everywhere. All of us feeling sorry for her were beginning to go broke. Anyway, while my sister was here, she was on the phone with her husband and mother in law in Vegas. Her father in law was very ill and she needed to make the call to fly in and see her father pass, or miss the opportunity to see her father in law pass. As a result of the situation, we all told my sister’s husband to stay with his father. God forbid anything should happen he would regret it later. So my sister buried her father and then spent each night worrying about her father in law. The day she flew back, her husband called to see if she was in route because his father came to and wanted the ventilator turned off ASAP. We all just hoped and prayed that he would at least hang in there until my sister got there and that she would not be going home to a repeat performance in a different hospital.

Well long story short, he hung in a few more days. Some of his kids were to fly in later that week and initially he agreed to wait for them. Now as for my mother and I, we were both a mess. My ex- or soon to be ex-husband screwed me with the health insurance so while I presently have no health coverage, I decided I did in fact need to see my therapist. We worked out a discounted rate and I go every other week to keep costs down, but I got to the point where I was overwhelmed and did not know what to do first. Therapy can only do so much and I just needed to get away for a few days and clear my head and forget about everyday life. I know it sounds bad, but I was more stressed than I have ever been and I used to joke with my mother in the hospital that when this was all over, “we are taking a vacation- sitting on a beach, palm trees, blue water and doing nothing but relaxing for a change.” So I went on CheapCarribbean.com and next thing you know, we were on a beach in Antigua. Very last minute- I mean very last minute and completely impulsive. Like nothing I have ever done before, but I needed to get away, de-stress and come home and start fresh. I looked it up, booked it Monday night and we were on a plane by Thursday morning. (Mind you my sister flew back the day before and at the time we booked, she told us to have a good time and she thought her father in law was going to wait to be taken off the vent until the other kids got there.)

As my sister’s in-laws are from NY and they had a cemetery plot up here, the plan was for the funeral to take place in NY and not Las Vegas. We figured if it came to that, it would take a few days to prepare the body and ship it to NY so while we felt bad, if it was his time, it was his time and the timing with our trip would have us back to NY around the same time they were.

We had hoped it would not come to that but unfortunately it did. The day before we left, my sister informed us that he had not taken his meds- he was refusing and was getting progressively worse. So while my mother and I were packing our suitcases with sunscreen, my mother was telling my sister where the house key and car keys are should it come to that.

The entire situation was messed up to be honest with you. My father was buried less than a week and a half ago and my mother and I were relaxing on a beautiful beach in Antigua. I needed to get a job and she needed to get back to work, but we both needed a break before doing so. With so much going on, we literally could not think straight. So the beach it was for some R &R.

The beach was beautiful, the water a brilliant turquoise color and the sun was warm. Relaxation and de-stressing had begun… well almost. It had not been 24 hours that we were there when I went to the room to get something from the safe and saw the light blinking on the room phone. It was my brother calling to let us know that my sister’s father in law died and they were flying back to NY. My poor sister had not even been home 4 days and she was headed back. She barely had time to let her own father’s death sink in and here she was planning funeral number two and unlike my in laws, my sister was VERY close to hers.

Secretly I had wished that I would not have to go to another funeral, I was hoping it would all be over and done with before I got back from Antigua, but I was not so lucky. Since it was easier and we knew everyone, my sister called up the Branch Funeral Home in Smithtown and we had a repeat performance two weeks to the day later. It turns out that my sister’s mother in law was staying at the house so I offered up my bed if need be. Now the sofa in the living room was way too small to sleep on and if my sister and brother in law took the guest room, where was I to sleep? The options were the floor, the chair in the living room or in my mom’s bed. I have to be honest and say that the night before I flew home, I lie awake having a full blown anxiety attack. I could not go home to another funeral at the same funeral home and there was no way I could sleep in with my mother on my father’s side of the bed. I was completely dreading this. What kept me at peace was knowing that my father had suffered so and now he was in a better place, but it had not slowed down enough for it to really sink in. There was no way I could sleep in his bed, no way I could go to another funeral – there was no way. But what were my choices? In this situation there were none.

So my mother and I flew in, got dropped off at the house from the car service and walked into the house to my sister and her in-laws who had photos spread all over the dinning room table and needed help putting picture boards together to take to the funeral home. I had strange people sleeping in my bed, I could not get into my room to unpack or get to my winter clothing, and instantly gone was any bit of relaxation that took place on that beach in Antigua. My only saving grace was that my brother in law who was in denial, which is another story in and of itself; had apparently abandoned my sister and went to stay with his brother. I have to stay that it worked for me because I told my sister to move over because I was sleeping with her. Sorry Mom, but you are on your own!

The next day we helped make funeral arrangements- floral arrangements that is. There was no life insurance in this case and money was tight so we made them instead of getting ripped off in our time of need by the funeral home or some florist. Then we loaded up the car and away we went. The entire drive there, I was sick to my stomach. I did not want to go. I know it was the right thing to do to be there for my sister and my brother in law and the rest of his family, but I did not want to go there. The mere thought was making me ill.

As we entered the parking lot and I got out of the car, I took a deep breath and I prayed that it was at the very least a different room…. but it was not. So I entered the room to pay my respects and in the background a memorial video with music was playing. It turns out my father had a video as well. I thought the music was broken on his, but my brother had actually turned it off because he couldn’t handle it. No such luck this time around. So here I go walking into the same room my father was in less than two weeks ago and there is this stupid, sappy “ I will remember you” or “You will always be in my heart” or whatever kind of song it was that was playing to this video tribute. I stopped half way and said, “I just can’t”. As I approached the casket to go pay my respects, I think I lasted about 10 seconds before I lost it. I did not see my sister’s father in law in the casket, I saw my father, in his grey suit jacket all stuffed to make him look as if he was not so frail at the end. And that was it for me. My mother, sister and I ran into the hallway to compose ourselves. I looked at my sister and said, “I am sorry, but I don’t want to be here for you right now. I just can’t do this again- I just can’t.”

Let me just say that things had been so hectic and so non-stop since my father’s passing that it never slowed down enough to really hit any of us. Well I can tell you this, it was hitting me now and in a bad bad way. People were coming up to me asking if I was OK, asking if I knew the man well. And while I did know him and he was a wonderful person, I was not attending Mike’s funeral, I was attending my fathers funeral all over again and it was much worse the second time around- much much worse.

I am going to fast forward a bit because today I am having a bad day. It did not start out that way, but the funerals have passed, I have been trying to get my life in order, I even went on another crap job interview yesterday. My ex- or soon to be is a world class jackass, but life goes on. In the process of life going on, my e-mail is acting up. For some reason e-mails are coming in, but not going out. I narrowed it down today after 3 hours of frustration to an issue with my Outlook and attachments, but trying sending your resume out for jobs when any e-mail with an attachment does not go through. So long story short, I am getting more and more frustrated by the minute as I try and figure the problem out. I had my father’s laptop open trying to see how his mail was configured and if perhaps something was typed in wrong on mine. In the process, I had to clear out over 500 e-mails my father had (not fun). Anywho….I could not locate the problem but not for lack of trying or sending repeated test e-mails from my computer and his. All I know is that had Daddy been here, he would have helped me figure it out.

During the one day in the entire month of January I got out, I met someone. I am taking it slow, however he wishes to fast forward things more than I feel comfortable with, but again, a story for another time. Anyway, he is supposed to be a software programmer so surely he must know something about computers. He was over last night and I had him looking at my computer and he had no clue. A computer geek that can’t fix my computer. Well then what the hell good is he? In his defense, he did try, but my Daddy would have tried harder and he would not have stopped until he fixed my computer.

So this afternoon, I had a list of things I needed to get done, but was messing with the computer for over 3 hours. It happens to be snowing today and I have no idea what possessed her, but my aunt and her granddaughter Rosetta who lives with her come over unexpectedly. They decided to go on and adventure hike through the woods and come to visit in a blizzard. And yes, in case you are wondering, my aunt is crazy, both literally and figuratively, but that again is a story for another time. So here I am in the living room with two laptops on trying to figure out my computer problem when in walks 8 year old Rosetta who is super excited to see me. She is so inquisitive and asks question upon question, upon question every time you see her. She wants to know why I have two computers on at the same time, who do they belong to, what am I doing, why am I doing that, why do I need two computers. And on, and on, and on. I am trying to be patient and explain to her things that are clearly beyond her years when the conversation took a turn for a place I did not expect.

She knew my father had passed. My aunt had explained it to her and apparently Rosetta was so upset she locked herself in the room for 2 days crying, so I thought she understood……. but I guess not. She is fairly young and the concept of death is new to her. So here I am answering computer questions when all the sudden she stops and with the cutest look on her face says, “Where is Tony?” She kind of took my breath away with that question and I was not quite sure how to respond so I said, “He is not here.” To this she replied, “Well when is he coming back? When will I see him again?” I put down the computer and hoping my aunt did a good enough job explaining death to her, I said, “He died Rosetta- you won’t see him again.” At this point I was fighting back the tears and now she wanted to know, “Why did he die?” “Why do people die?” “Why did this happen to him?” “What was the matter with him?” And on and on and on. Here I was explaining my father’s death to an inquisitive 8 year old and I just couldn’t take any more.

I ended up running up to my bedroom and locking the door. I felt bad just running out on her, but I couldn’t deal. I had no idea why this had happened to my father. I had no idea. All I knew is that if he were here, he would be fixing my computer right now and I had no idea why this happened to him. No idea at all why someone that never drank or did drugs in their life ends up getting liver disease and literally suffering until the bitter end. I had no answers for her - I did not understand it myself. So I guess what I am trying to say is that today is a bad day, a very bad day. Two boxes of Kleenex later, I am missing my Dad something fierce. I am wishing he were here to talk to, to fix my computer, to give me advice about this crap job offer I have, to help me make sense of my life. I’m wishing my Dad were here staring out the window as he always does while my mom and I shovel the snow to tell us to put the ice melt down and to not forget to shovel out the garbage cans. I am wishing he were here and I am wishing I understood why he is not.

As I am now on my third box of Keenex for the evening, I think I will call it a night and fill you all in on the rest of my life at another time. Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

On a positive note, my thumbie came in. They took a thumb print of my father and we had it put on a necklace with my birthstone and his. We all got one and we ordered my brother a pair of cufflinks so that my father will be with him on his wedding day. They called today to say that the thumbies came in and if it wasn’t snowing so hard, my mother and I would have been in the car in no time. I suppose it will have to wait for another day but right about now, I am considering getting in the car to go get my thumbie so that I can take my Daddy with me wherever I may go.