It has been a while and I wasn’t really planning to do this today, but since I am feeling a bit blue, I figure why not give you all an update on my life. Actually I went from blue to laughing at myself- giving you all an update as if I had hundreds of followers. I think I may have only one- a friend of my father’s that I met at the funeral. I really started this just for me. I guess if I don’t tell people about it, it remains on the private side with a few people I know that may peek when they get the chance. Sometimes I wonder about myself- my secret goal in life is to be discovered and write, yet I keep my ramblings top secret. Like everything else in my life- if it is meant to be, it is mean to be.
So……now for the update. I think my last entry had to do with the fundraising walk that I was doing on behalf of the American Liver Foundation and in memory of my father who passed suddenly in January. Well despite people being opposed to it, everyone showed up and it was an enjoyable and successful day. I guess it was too hard for people or too much, too soon so not as many people as I hoped actually got involved in the fundraising aspect of it, but I had about 30 friends and family that came out to support me and the cause. I have to say that some of my friends have been so supportive and helpful throughout this entire process. I am told that normally it rains, but this year it was sunny and warm. I even ended off the day with an unexpected sunburn. After all the fuss, my brother showed up with the biggest and best sign of them all with a big picture of my dad right in the middle. In the photo my father was holding a fish. He loved to fish and while that was the one thing in life that he seemed to enjoy and bring a smile to his face, I have to believe that deep down insidem my father was smiling down upon me, upon all of us that day.
As of the day of the event, the team has raised over $7000. We are waiting to see if there is a corporate sponsorship on the way and I know that additional funds were turned in the day of the event, but when all is said and done, I am anticipating that the team raised over $9,000 that day. A big thank you to my father’s friend Bob Wolf who my dad worked with back in the days when I was a wee little one. He donated an extremely generous $1000.
While the days and even months leading up to the event were extremely stressful and time consuming, I have to say that I was the proudest person that day. For the first time in a long time…maybe ever really, I was proud of myself. I accomplished great things that day and in the days leading up to it. And yes, it was not all my doing, but as the one who initiated things and got a group of friends and family totally 30 people to show up in support – I am extremely pleased and proud of myself. As a first time fundraiser and organizer of this type of event, I feel like I did an awesome job and I am thankful to everyone that participated, got involved and went above and beyond. I had some amazing and extremely helpful people on my side throughout the process. Other teams had raised $15,000 or so and they had been doing this event for years and had teams of 50 plus that had all taken part in the fundraising, so for a first time team that had only a handful of true fundraisers, I would say we kicked ass and I am so proud. For the first time in a very long time, I feel like I had purpose, I feel like I accomplished something and I felt that day as if I had earned the right to be proud of who I was and what I had done. I worked hard and I think even my brother saw that. He came up to me and said that I should be proud, I did a good job and he thinks even Dad would have been proud of me. He then went on to say that next year instead of Team Tony’s Ribs-a-Flappin, it was going to be called Team Net’s Whip-a-Crackin. Hey if it raises money for a good cause, I will crack that whip and call the team whatever people want it to be called.
Of course the day would not have been complete without stopping to see my father. On the way home from the walk, I stopped at the cemetery with my mother and my boyfriend. I wore my thumbie that day so while Dad was not there to walk, he was there in spirit. I took photos of a team sign that my cousin made alongside my fathers crypt with some balloons we had used in the parking area for the team to locate us. One of the balloons said “Thank You”. I sent the photos of the days events out to the team along with a message that we had all done such a great thing that day. Lastly, was the photo of my father’s crypt with his name, the reflection of the three of us, the team sign and the balloons saying thank you. Although I often believe my Dad is looking down upon me, I wish he could have been there that day to see all the people that came out in support of the cause..
Moving on to other topics, I can tell you that it has been a crazy time in my life these past few weeks. Today I was walking and I heard a Billy Joel song. That was the music that my father always listened to on the boat. Every time I hear a Billy song, I have to turn it off as it reminds me too much of the times in my life that will be no more. Over Memorial Day weekend, my sister and brother-in-law rented a boat out on Lake Meade in Nevada. Apparently my brother-in-law said something that reminded my sister of a time she was boating with my father and she feel hysterical crying in the middle of the lake. Two days ago my brother was at work fixing cars at Mercedes when a Tech next to him was fixing a problem with someone’s radio. To test it out, he turned the volume way up and it happened to be Billy Joel’s Downeaster Alexa- probably the best boating/ fishing song of them all. We blasted that song towing the boat the entire ride out to Montauk and sang it on the boat as we fished. Two years ago, I went with my Dad to see Billy Joel’s last play at Shea. My father loved that concert. So everytime I hear Billy, I think of my father and get upset. I guess it is kind of hard not to since my brother had the same reaction. When Downeaster Alexa came on- he ran out of the shop and was crying in the bathroom until the song was over.
Well as I started to say, today I was walking when a Billy song came on. Normally I change them since I know what will happens within seconds of one of his songs coming on, but not today. Today I said to myself, “what am I going to do- ignore these songs forever?” So I chose to listen to it. Not even a song I like or that my father liked that much, but nonetheless, within 30 seconds I was walking through the park with tears streaming down my face. I tried to suck it up, but it was too late. You see I am trying so hard not to get into that pity party- whoa is me mentality, but some days I just stop and think- Is this really my life? I mean how can this be happening? How can so many bad things happen to one person in such a short span of time?
For those not in the know- last year I left my husband after a messy and abusive marriage. Simulaneously, I lost my job, had to move and came home to take care of my sick father who passed away less than 5 months ago. I then went on to help my mother who has no clue and never paid a bill in her life. All the while searching and getting frustrated that I was out of work and the prospects did not looks so good. After my father passed, I just needed a break as did my mother so we went away for 4 or 5 days to Antigua to get our heads on straight before getting back to work and life. One day there and I got a call that my sister’s father-in-law had passed and the funeral would be at the same funeral home my father was at two weeks previously.
I started this blog saying that 2010 was going to be my year. Last year was a crap year- good mixed with bad, but mostly bad. This year was going to be the year it all changed. Sometime last year I started looking into the Laws of Attraction and was putting out to the Universe what I wanted out of life. Funny enough, with the exception of my father dying unexpectedly- everything else seemed to be falling into place. I met a new man in January and we have been together ever since. He has his issues as everyone does, but deep down he is a very loving, caring, thoughtful and supportive person. I was looking for work and offers were finally starting to come in. One year to the day of being laid off, I was employed. The commute was exactly what I had hoped for – the Laws of Attraction had put me right were I wanted to be. By April, I knew the man I was with was a keeper and little by little life was finally starting to fall into place. I was still not where I wanted to be, but I would eventually get there. Everyone knew that 2010 was to be my year and I was FINALLY starting to see a tiny glimpse of that rainbow that I had waited years for.
My one year of legal separation was up and I drove down to the lawyers office like a speed demon to sign my paperwork. My months of positive thinking had my divorce going peacefully and with little resistance to from my ex. We I am please to report that he signed the documents and mailed them back to my attorney this week. Of course, I was informed that the courts are backed up and it may take another 3 months to process- well, let’s hope not. It was little by little all starting to come together for me and I was well on my way. Sure my job was not my dream job, but it was a great commute, I was learning a lot and it was a decent paycheck. I was off of cobra and had actual benefits not tied to my ex….what more could I ask for?
Well like I said- it WAS all starting to come together. Over the Memorial Day weekend I had planned a trip before I started working. I had told them in advance that I needed the Friday off prior and would take it unpaid if need be. They assured me it would not be an issue and that I would even have earned a vacation day by that time that I could use. We last Friday I am in the car driving up to Connecticut to meet some friends when I get a call from work. Immediately my heart starts racing. I know they knew I was taking off, I asked, asked again, made sure they new- they did know- the VP even told me to have a good time. So why were they calling me? Was I in trouble for taking off? And why was the VP calling me from the office- he was supposed to be in Maryland for a tradeshow.
Having just gotten a new cell phone and unsure how to work it- I missed the call. I immediately called back and was nervous dialing that I was in serious trouble for not being in the office. Right about now I wish that were the case. The VP said, “I don’t even know how to tell you this….” My heart was racing- I thought he was going to tell me that they were going to let me go but that couldn’t be- I was doing so well- I had just managed to book 3 appointments and was close to closing a deal. As I held the phone white as a ghost, uncertain of what would come next, he said “The company is shutting down effective today. A packet will go out in the mail, but it is a bad scene here right now you don’t even want to come in.” He continued on to say, “I don’t even know what to say to you. Noone prepares you to make a call like this and I am about to fucking throw up right now.”
I was in shock- complete and utter shock. Was this a joke, could this be happening- what is it with me and vacations? Last time there was another funeral and this time I am coming back to no job. I have yet to get the complete story and doubt I ever will but upon talking to a co-worker, he seems to think that the owner bought another payroll company or was involved in some payroll ponzi type scheme. As a payroll, benefits and HR outsourcing firm- it is believed that they took in money from companies to do their payroll and quarterly tax filings and never did so. Someone told me that millions of dollars are missing and they have no idea who took it, someone else told me that the feds shut them down and the owner and a few others are under investigation. I was also told that in addition to millions of funds being missing, the controller who was one of the only people in the company to handle funds had resigned a few days prior. All I know for sure is that I am once again out of a job and not even sure why.
I still went away for the weekend because it was paid for, but I was not in the best mood as you can imagine. When I got home I tried to make heads or tails of the unemployment situation. I was advised that I should continue on my old claim and not file a new one. Having only worked for 8 weeks, I am not certain I would have qualified for a new claim amyway. Regardless, I am on my old claim which is under emergency extended benefits right now. I see they have passed legislation that some people may be entitles to 99 weeks, but still I am very nervous for myself. I have no idea how long these emergency benefits will last or for how long I am entitled to them. I was told I may have to file a new claim in July and I don’t even know if that will be approved.
I went for another walk the other day to clear my head and come up with a game plan. I convinced myself it was not the end of the World, things happen for a reason and I would find something better. I took a chance, I got back to work, bui it was not my dream job anyway and things about the company had been odd from the very start. But how on Earth was I going to explain this. Up to now I had a solid resume and a good reason for being out of work- now my resume is flawed and having worked in the employment industry for 10 years, I know how it goes. I know these are circumstances beyond my control, but you see a resume with a gap of a year between jobs and then a short 2 month stint and you move on to the next person. I can only hope this is head-trash and that others will not see things the way I do.
Hey the situation is what it is so I may as well make the best of it. Yesterday I started contacting people I had connections to following up on some job leads that came in after I started at this last place. I took 5 phone screens yesterday. Four were in the employment/staffing industry. I suppose if worst came to worst, but I am so hoping todo something different. After doing that for 10 years, I need a change. I am good at recruiting, but I need a new challenge, a new skill set to master. . I just need a fresh start. This is like a really bad case of summertime deja vu all over again.
I did, however; take a call from a company I applied to in February for an HR Assistant. Very entry level so it probably pays crap, but it could be my foot in the door and right now anything has to be more than unemployment. They did say though that they are so backlogged that for the first 6-9 months I could be filing papers. Yeah- secretary bitch is not really were I saw my life going at 34. Same old same old or work for no money and live home forever.
Something has to give eventually but as my life seems to be a drama magnet- it does not end there. I got a letter from the companies lawyer the other day stating that noone is eligible for cobra as the company is shutting down. So I spend the afternoon scrambling to figure out my health insurance situation. Of course I never get sick, but just my luck the one time I don’t have coverage some freak accident will happen and I am stuck for life with thousands of dollars in medical bills. And forget about using my flex spend money to pay for any of it. I called to inquire if I get reimbursed or just to keep submitting claims until my funds are depleted. No such luck there either. I get this moron on the phone that tells me “I hate to be the barer of bad news- but with the company shut down, we can not send it back to them so the procedure is to send it to the state.” WTF? For all those not familiar with texting lingo- that is short for What the F*ck? It is my damn money, not a company sponsored or paid for benefit- give me back my damn money……..but no- “sorry maam, it gets turned over to the state.” Is this really happening to me- I mean really?
And since there is never lack of drama, my AC valve in my car got clogged and the inside of my car is blooded. Good thing I knew what the problem was and my brother is a mechanic, but my car is now dismantled with the carpets hanging out to dry. Three days in the 80 degree sun and they are still wet as can be. And all this in the course of a day. Gotta love life.
So you see, as I was walking listening to Billy, this morning, it was kind of hard for me to not think whoa is me and how can this be my life. And with all the dead relatives I have up there now, you think one of them would help me or guide me in the right direction?
About two hours after I lost my job, I saw a sign Psychic Readings – Walk ins Welcome. We had time to kill before check in so as a joke, I commented that maybe the psychic could figure out my life because I sure couldn’t. Well my boyfriend turned the car around and there I was- getting a psychic reading. It started out good. She told me I was a good person, a positive and caring person. However all this goodness and caring got me taken advantage of as people use me for what it is I can do for them. She then told me that I lost someone very close to me and there was many things left unsaid and it happened fast and was not supposed to happen that way. She went on to pick up on my broken heart and issues in the love/ romance department. As a result she said I put up walls and am tired of being hurt. She went on to say I am confused, feel my life is on a timetable and I see others moving on while I am stuck. She told me that I needed to be spiritually healed. Now comes the part where I don’t know if she was truthful or trying to convince me I needed to come back and spend more money with her. She told me that on the inside it was like I was dead- I had negativity and my aura was black. Until I cure that- I would go on to find love, but never keep it. I would always have issues with work and jobs. I forget what else she said, but now I was more depressed and out some money. I was hoping she would tell me something positive in life that I could cling to or that my current situation was only temporary, but no suck luck. Well thank you psychic- thank you for stealing my money, giving me bad news and making me even more depressed and confused about my life.
As for the rest of my week, it goes like this. I had booked a trip in February with my family to go to Rhode Island for the weekend. There is a festival that I had gone to with my ex and got my family involved. Last year we had to cancel because we found out the ex was going, but this year, we all planned to go. I was even looking forward to it- that is until I lost my job and have no way to pay for it. I mean I have some money, but when I dip into my savings to live because unemployment pays crap-I am not a happy person. Every dollar I take from my savings account is one step removed from having my own place one day.
If it were up to me, I would not go at this point, but my mother is super excited and so is my boyfriend who has never been and the rest of the family. To make matters worse, I told my brother I would pay for his room as a birthday gift so now I am stuck paying for two rooms….or maybe three. You see my mother was supposed to go with a friend and they were going to split the room, but it appears her friend can’t go so now my mother is under the impression I am paying for her room as well. I have also laid out the cost for tickets to the festival for everyone which is not a big deal but added all up and with no real income of significance, it is a bigger deal.
Last night my mother decided we will take a car not belonging to her and that we should take the ferry over. When I told her a tank of gas was cheaper than the ferry and I did not have the money for it- she gave me an attitude. I had a job for a while and made money so she does not see what the big deal is about paying for the weekend. Well yeah- I had a job but also had a backlog of bills from when I was not working. Then there was the massage and dinner I treated her to after I finally started working, the $300 I laid out to take her to the city for Mother’s Day, the $400 I had to pay the lawyer to “dump the hump”, my Memorial Day trip I had just paid off and the remaining credit card bill from when we went to Antigua after my father passed……not to mention the regular living expenses and bills I have. Regardless of my finances, for her to assume that I am just going to foot the bill for her for the entire weekend is just complete and utter bullshit. And now because she is feeling like a third wheel or a fifth wheel, she is trying to get anyone to go with her that she can. Her newest victim is someone she knows from work with a 2 year old so now I will be towing around carseats and strollers. I mean don’t get me wrong, I love kids and had hoped to one day have a few of my own, but a strange kid in my car eating and getting food mashed in my carpets…..very uncool. And if they are well behaved great, but I have no clue if I am about to drive around Satan for a weekend.
I suppose that is the least of my troubles, if it gets my mother out of my ass all weekend- great, but I think what really has me annoyed is a comment she made last night. She asked if I was going to town today. When I told her “No”- she said, “well can you?” When I did not answer, she said, “OK when you go town can you drop off my paperwork at work?” I just looked up and said, “Well I guess I have no choice.” At this point she hit me where it hurts. She said in a snotty tone of voice, “Well unlike you, some of us work and someone needs to support the household.” I mean was that really necessary. Like I chose to lose my job for the second time in year. Like I chose to have my life fall apart and live in her house. I know they are just words, but sometimes I don’t think people realize just how much they can hurt someone. I guess maybe I should take my own advice sometimes, but still- that was definitely a low blow.
Well I could write and write and write, but I think I am going to call it a day. My brother just reassembled my car so I think I will go wash the bird crap off of it incase I end up driving tomorrow and then I suppose I should go pack. Before I go I want to say two things- I apologize because I just wrote and posted. I really should proofread, but I am just going to throw this up, hope it makes sense and go back and edit it and be embarrassed a few days from now.
The second thing is a question- maybe more for myself. It is June so technically the year is half over. Is it possible for 2010 to still be my year? Can I turn it around before the stroke of midnight on December 31,2010 or is it too late for me. Maybe I should start aiming to make 2011 my year instead because this one appears to have gotten off in the wrong direction. Such is life I suppose, but that rainbow was sure a pretty one- at least the sneak peek I got to look at for a very brief moment.
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