Sadness consumes me

I am trying with every ounce of my being to be positive and keep a stiff upper lip today, but truth be told, I feel completely depressed, in a state of despair and feel like giving up. Years of being the better person and doing the right things by others has apparently gotten me nowhere. I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around and in Karma to some extent. This was the basis of letting a lot of what my ex did to me go- I just wanted to move on, get myself in a better place mentally and emotionally and in the end, I just knew that deep down inside he would get his eventually. On the flip side, one of the things that has kept me going for so long is that Karma works both ways. I am a good person- I genuinely am. I work hard, I always try to do the right thing, I always take the high road and I constantly sacrifice my own happiness for that of others. I am ethical, honest, a hard worker, extremely logical and level headed. So why? Can somebody just help me to understand why? Why all this is happening to me? What I did to deserve this?

I know, I know…..sometimes bad things happen to good people – been there, done that and heard it a hundred times over. When life hands you lemons make lemonade. Yeah well I freaking hate lemonade….at least I do now. I have the Worlds largest sweet tooth and I am tired of sucking on sour things and pretending I like them. I want and I deserve to enjoy the sweeter side of life.

I feel a total sense of despair right now. I have lost my drive to go on and fight the good fight. I can’t go through life being tough and trying to play fair, do the right thing and fight the battles that I will never come close to winning. I know that self pity is an acid that only eats holes in one’s happiness - but right now, I am very much wallowing in self pity. Right now I am very much feeling sorry for myself and I totally just want to give up. I have lost hope. I had hoped for great things to become of my life and I no longer care what direction my life takes. I mean I do care- very much so, but there is nothing I can do about it so to that I say- FUCK IT. What is the damn point in even trying anymore?

I am a fighter- I always have been. I am tough and I am strong, I have even been called courageous and brave, but the reality is that a person can only be knocked down so many times before they can no longer stand back up waiting for the next beating that is about to come their way.

I try and convince myself that it will be OK. I try and convince myself that things happen for a reason and while I sure wish I knew, I like to think that this is all happening because there is something better waiting out there for me. The truth of the matter is that I am starting to think that maybe nothing is- maybe this is it. Maybe all my trials and tribulations were the best life had to offer and not that it was preparing me for some right of passage to earn a better life, a simpler, easier or even happier life- just that this is all that life has in store for me.

I have learned a lot for my experiences- they have humbled me, they have tested my patience, they have made me stronger and more prepared to face adversity, but they have also left me lacking in true happiness and a state of contentment with my life. Why is it that some people just stumble upon things so naturally in life? Why is it that some people just step in it? Why is it that other and some of them really good people will continue to bust their ass for an eternity and get nothing in return? I had hoped that me being a good person was enough- that if I tried harder, worked harder, stayed positive in the face of so much drama and adversity in my life that good things would eventually find their way to me. And I had thought of how I would embrace them because of all the times I had to go without. I had thought of how much more grateful and appreciative I would be as so many others in life take things for granted. Right now I am wondering if I will ever get that chance.

I had a good life I guess but I had secretly hoped for more. I can tell you that I have sacrificed more than anyone I know. I held myself back in career moves to support my husband and look how well that turned out for me. I had the old stuff, the outdated stuff and the cheaper version of everything but made sure everyone else had the finer things in life. I put my life on hold to take care of my dying father and then my emotionally distraught mother. I worked hard at work- put in extra hours, took stuff home with me- researched things on my own time…..and where did it get me- unemployed for the second time that’s where.

I hate to be on the pity party train, but last year I lost EVERYTHING in my life- my job (OK so the job was not that great), my income, my sense of self, my home, my marriage fell apart (at my own choosing, but still it was a devastating loss). My life’s possessions lie in a storage unit waiting desperately to be uncovered on day. I had a beautiful place that I lived in and now I have a room in someone else’s house and while it is a roof over my head, there are days when it just does not feel like home. I had a father I could turn to for advice and while he was critical at best, you could talk to him and get sound advice on things that really mattered. By the end of last year he forgot my name and turned infant-like at times. And now he is gone for good. I had a family who was helpful and supportive. Now there are family members that have turned the other cheek over stupid things that happened at my father’s funeral. There are family members that went from being supportive to making me feel like a freeloading piece of shit. I did not choose to be living here for so long and I certainly did not chose to be unemployed for as long as I was, then re-employed and unemployed again so recently. Yet despite that not being my choosing or in my control, I hear snide comments behind my back about how it must be nice to have the summer off to enjoy, or it must be nice to have no living expenses, or it must be nice to not have to come home at a normal hour and sleep all day because I have no job to go to. My mother was kind enough to point that out repeatedly this weekend and I was so unappreciative of her lack of respect for me or that fact that I feel like a wounded and defeated soul right now and her words are like hot pokers plunged in to my wounded chest.

For the record- losing your job the first time is horrible but for the second time…..DEVASTATING. Going on to think after what had to have been the worst year of my life that you are getting back on track, you are rebuilding and that things are finally starting to come together and it is going to be OK and then BAM!!!!!! Like a cast iron skillet upside the head at the same time someone simultaneously pulls the rug out from under you. You are down for the count and as you fall, you look over and see the building blocks of your life that you thought you had firmly cemented together start to break apart. Some fall and remain intact, others are crushed into pieces upon impact. You sit there in disbelieve for a while thinking- I need to get up, should I get up, do I salvage what I can before I stand up and are there more pieces that can fall upon me. And as you lie there watching the pieces of your life crash down before you, lying on the ground disoriented from the blow you took mentally and emotionally before you fell, you think to yourself, can this really be happening to me (again)? Then when you finally do stand up, still in disbelief that this has happened to you, your eyes scour over the pieces of your life and you do not even know where to begin. Do you go down the same road again,? Do you pave a new one? Do you rebuild the same way because obviously the last time around the foundation of your life was not as solid as you assumed it to be? And then- the self pity sets in. The despair sets in and the need to want to just lie back on the ground and not get back up begins to sets in. I mean why stand? It is easier to cushion your landing from such a low place and quite the opposite is true when you stand up and reach for the stars. I mean are the stars ever even reachable anyway? Whoever made up that expression was a stupid jackass…….”Reach for the stars!” Well keep reaching buddy because you are never going to reach them.

Here’s another one- “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again”. Yeah OK- obviously meant to make the losers and failures of the world feel better and under different circumstances it might even do the trick for me. But what happens when you try, and try, and try, and try some more and you still fail? What happens then? What kind of magic phrase is there to make that person feel better? Oh that’s right….. “When life hands you lemons, make lemonade!” There…. I’m so glad I thought of that one because now I feel so much better. And yes, you did just detect a bit of sarcasm in my writing.

I can tell you this- I still feel like crap, but at least I can write, get it out of my system and laugh about it. Lemonade and Stars- who knew they were the keys to a happy, blissful and stress free life? In all seriousness though, if I were not having a heavily laced day of self pity mode, I do read inspirational quotes and believe in them. I even posted one a day on my Facebook page and had a following for a while. I really did it for myself as a way of starting off the day positive, hopeful and knowing that if I worked hard enough, it would eventually happen. Little did I know that I would be helping others along the way.

Every now and then I have a bit of ADD (That is attention deficit disorder). Well I don’t really have ADD, but my mind switches topics with my mood or based on what thoughts come to me as I write. Well, actually now I am having a bit of Alzheimer’s too since I was about to switch topics, hence my need to mention the ADD moments when I forgot what the hell it was that I was about to write next. Dear God, does it get any better than this- jobless, living under someone else’s roof, hopeless, self pity consumed, ADD and Alzheimer’s all in the short span of one morning. What is it that I was going to write next anyway?
Ah yes, it had something to do with my purpose in life. Truth is I am on a quest to find that purpose, to find my direction or true calling in life. I like to write I know that much- beyond that I haven’t a damn clue. Right now I am very much confused, very much questioning everyone and everything in my life?

Do I want to go back to school? Do I care? Should I just take any old thing because obviously nothing better is coming my way or should I hold out for something good…..but what might that actually be? Do I do a job I know I will absolutely hate so I can make some money, support myself and get the hell out of this house or do I take a mediocre job that will come easy to me, but pay crap and then risk living here forever because I will not be earning enough to hack it in the real world? Do I “reach for the stars” or do I “make lemonade”? Do I get up, stay down or continue to fight the good fight? Do I even care at this point? Do I try and stay positive and continue to secretly hope that in time all good things will eventually find their way to me. Or is that taking a dose of a little pill called hopeium (that’s hope-e-um….kind of like opium for those that did not catch on).

Do I continue to look through endless job posting after endless job posting or do I call it a day since I have been through enough emotional turmoil today? I wish I had the answers but I don’t. I mean think about it- if you had all the answers or if you knew of someone who had all the answers, think about how much easier life would be. (By the way, if you have answers or know someone who does, please share with me – it can be our little secret.)

Now for the next ADD moment and bit of confusion. To write about the boyfriend or not? I was contemplating making this a separate entry so I could stay with the “whoa is me” theme here, but what the hell. After all, I did say if I think it, feel it, it happens or if I worry about it you will read about it. I may not know much, but I know I am a girl of my word.

So this weekend was the dreaded weekend to Rhode Island with my family. My mother did in fact end up bringing a friend along with their 3 year old son. First let me tell you he is the most adorable and well behaved 3 year old. If I could, I would steal him and take him home with me. As for my mother’s friend- she is well behaved too, but surprisingly only 30 years old. She is younger than I am so the whole situation was odd to begin with. It makes me wonder just how lonely and desperate my mother is for companionship that she would bring along someone nearly half her age, but that is another story.

The scenario and carpool arrangements were not my ideal, but it was what it was so I figured why not make the best of it. Besides, having a kid around brings joy to me- especially if they are cute and cuddly which this one is. I absolutely love kids and thought that perhaps one day I would have made a good mother, but since that idea may never come to fruition, I just enjoy other people’s kids and the cute little things they do. On a slightly different yet somewhat related topic - I can also tell you this- I can tell a lot about a person and a guy by how they interacts with and react to children. My brother for example, he was playing with the kid, making animal noises and just entertaining the kid. If he ever has a child, I can tell he will be hands on, full of love and be a really good father one day that goes out of his way to do things with his child. As for the boyfriend- well let’s just say that he has no kids, and maybe it should stay that way.

Up to now he had been a keeper but this past weekend I saw a whole new side of him and one I am not so sure I liked. He had zero and I mean zero patience for this child. As a matter of fact- he had zero patience for me, my mother, her friend or anyone else for that matter. Everyone else was laughing, playing and making the best of the situation with the kid. As for the boyfriend- it came off as if the kid were a huge inconvenience and source of annoyance for him. He teeter-totters very much, but I think deep down he wants to have kids- or at least he did. I’m not sure if he has moved past that stage and realizes now that he is no longer in that stage of his life, if the kid reminded him of what he wanted and does not have or if he really has such little patience for kids. I have to say that it was a bit disheartening. My last boyfriend- while a bit of a drunk; was amazing and full of love with his niece and nephew. Even my ex (jackass that he be) was great with kids. My ex excluded because we all know how I feel about him, but when I see a guy that is good with kids, a father that is playing in the park and interacting so well with their child or a dad that is proud of their kids- it melts my heart. I don’t know, maybe because my father was very hands off with his kids, but nonetheless, a guy that is good with kids does it for me every time.

So what happens, I find a guy who is thoughtful, caring and really good with me, but you throw other people in the mix and it throws a monkey wrench in the whole thing. You throw in a cute kid and well, he failed the kiddie test as far as I am concerned. As a matter of fact, this weekend he failed a lot of tests- things I didn’t even know I had been seeking to test, but he failed them and to the point that at one time I was questioning if I even wanted to continue to date someone like that. This weekend I saw the biggest display of selfishness in a person that I have seen in a long, long time. Of course my ex and maybe my father had a piece of that corner carved out, but I think we can add a new person to that section of the block now.

This weekend the boyfriend wanted to do what he wanted to do, he wanted to do things with me and no one else and he did not care who he stressed out, annoyed or made uncomfortable along the way as long as he did not have to deal with my family and the cute cuddly kid. He wanted them out of the car, wanted them to do their own thing, did not want them going where we were going. He was completely non-understanding. Originally we were taking his car which was very nice of him to offer, but when five people, a stroller, luggage and a car seat were not fitting so well in his car, the suggestion had been made by my mother to use my car instead. Truth be told, my car is more roomy, but the transfer of car did not sit well with him. He was pissed off at 6:30am. Maybe he just needed some morning coffee, but as we were making the coffee run he commented to me that my mother was acting like a bitch. I bit my tongue, but are you kidding me- we switch cars and my mother is a bitch to you?

My mother talks, and talks and talks. I have to admit, she is very irritating especially in light of the fact that often times she is like a broken record or has nothing of real value to say. I think she is just lonely and likes to feel heard. So her friend had her ear for the entire ride. Unfortunately, as we were in the same car, you could not help but have to listen to her as well. At first it was cute- if my mother was rambling, he would reach over and put the radio on or turn up the volume slightly in an attempt to drown her out, but by the middle of the day it was blatantly obvious that she grated on his nerves and it was starting to come across that he outright hated her guts. He tried to ditch her a few times, tried valiantly to pawn her off on my brother and instructed me that he did not care- my brother got her on Sunday and I was doing my own thing with him. It got to the point that I told him he was being completely selfish and that I felt like a rag doll being pulled in every possible direction and I would not stand for it.

The next day he was somewhat better but you could see he was PISSED that he had to deal with her again on Sunday. Was it my ideal situation either- No, but it is what it is so you might as well make the most of it. He tried to be a bit better but when I told him we would take my mother, her friend and the kid for a bit and then my brother would come get them and they would go home with my brother instead of us, all the boyfriend was concerned with was when my brother was getting there to relieve him of this burden. At one point I even caught him saying out loud, “This is a test….This is a test of my patience.” I mean is my family that bad?

I think the icing on the cake was when my mother called that she was done with a tour we were taking. She ended up starting ahead of us and my brother was nearby waiting to get her and go home. I was trying to coordinate everything, but the boyfriend took charge. He ran out to find my mother, get her stuff out of the car, take the car seat out and send them on their way. The plan was to give my mother the keys, let her get her stuff into my brother’s car and hopefully by that time we would be done with our portion of the tour and retrieve the keys. Well it turns out my brother told me he was around the corner, but got lost driving around the block. The boyfriend took all the stuff out of the car, asked if they needed anything else and then went in to finish the tour while leaving my mother, her friend and the kids in the parking lot waiting for my brother to come. Keep in mind, my brother is lost, my mom is in a parking lot with luggage and a kid and it was overcast with a chance of rain. When I heard this I was livid beyond belief. If I had not been in the middle of a tour in a place that silence was proper protocol, I probably would have unleashed hell and ripped the boyfriend a new ass hole. Was he that eager to get rid of them that he leaves them in a parking lot? And here lies the fundamental difference between a male and a female or a patient person and an non-patient person or an ass hole and a non- ass hole. (Apparently as I replay the days events, it still bothers me some.)

It took me about a good half hour to 45 minutes to cool down.-Luckily the tour helped contain me but I was pissed something fierce. Afterwards I had words with him and discussed the situation. Part of me thinks he feels bad, but the other part of me wonders. It seems as if he is more concerned with what I think of him than his actions being wrong and inappropriate. In the course of the conversation he made a comment about how after being separated and then divorced he got used to going at a different pace- his own. Well if other people annoy him that much and he has an issue adjusting- maybe he needs to stay single because he clearly can not deal or adequately interact with other people.

When we are alone, he is fine. He has his moments but for the most part we mesh well and have similar enough paces, interests and styles that we work. But he does have a very controlling side to him, a very impatient side to him and for whatever reason, he has trouble interacting with people from what I have observed. When he warms up or gets to know people he is different and tolerable, but when you take him out of his element, put him with people he does not know well or take away his element of control- he does not do well. He becomes awkward for lack of better words. He either gets clingy, obnoxious or anti-social or maybe even lacking in interpersonal skills if you will. I don’t know if he is self conscious, uncomfortable, feels at a loss of control or tries too hard to fit in or not hard enough to fit in. Whatever the reason, I have no clue, but what I do know is that he has no patience. He also is not good with kids or at least from what I have seen and he has serious issues with my mother.

Well I may not be my mother’s biggest fan most days, but you mess with my family and you mess with me. You want to be with me- I mean truly be with me- then you take the good with the bad. You don’t get me but not my family. As far as I am concerned it is a packaged deal. You can’t pick and choose so if you don’t like the way it is bundles, it is not going to change so perhaps you better think twice about whether or not you want to be with me and the bundle that comes along for the ride. You don’t have to date my mother, be her biggest fan, but you do have to be respectful and patient with her. You can’t do that…..well then there is the door. And unless you know my mother for years, you have not earned the right to call her a bitch……only I have earned that right.

I more or less gave the boyfriend the same speech. I told him what I thought was fucked up about the situation and the course of events that had taken place over the past few days. I let him know that I saw a very selfish side of him and did not appreciate being torn between him and various family members. While he thought he was creating less stress for me, he had actually done the complete opposite. It is water under the bridge (for now) and he claims he is sorry, truly sorry and will be better, more patient and he never realized how his actions came across, but from where I stand, a red flag has been raised and I will be watching very, very closely to see if this continues to be an ongoing issue. And make no mistake about it- if the man I thought was a keeper expresses any more impatience to the degree I saw, continues to take issue with my family, tries to pull me around like a rag doll or expresses hatred of kids and lack of respect and concern for the well being and feelings of others, he will quickly be a thing of the past. I took a vow that no dysfunction would be in my life voluntarily after I left my ex and I stick to my word. He brings this dysfunction and I will eliminate it by whatever means necessary.

Well now that I have gone from being a sad, depressed pathetic soul to a protective psycho, I am contemplating calling it a day. I got off my chest what I needed to. My situation is no more improved, but I have cleared my head some. I will go back to my job search and secretly hope that something spectacular will come my way. (Please let some miracle befall my life!)

As for the boyfriend, he knows of this blog. I am not certain he still reads it- or maybe he does and does not tell me. I know that he would be upset to read this, but harsh as it is- I say what I feel and hold nothing back. If I censored my feelings and then my writings, it would not be true to who I am and what I stand for. Will he take this personal and beat himself up over it- yes- probably. It was not my intention to put another down or make them feel bad about themselves but I wonder… is there true merit in what I say or am I just confused and questioning everything and everyone in my life as a result of the current situation and funk that I seem to find myself in? I guess only time will tell, in the meantime, I still remain consumed with sadness, confused and lacking in direction.

Until I write again……..