At your age.....

So I told you in my last blog entry that unbeknownst to me- I was shocked to find out that I have the beginnings of another human being inside of me. I was honestly in utter shock and while there is always that possibility, for me I just thought bearing child was never something that would happen. I don’t think either one of us imagined this would happen quite so soon. I went into the doctor’s office waiting for him to confirm or deny the pregnancy results of the home test I took which I was convinced were a mistake and instead I start off with a sonogram where I see the baby’s arms forming and hear the heartbeat and am told I am 8 weeks 6 days along. Talk about blowing your mind.


I literally left the sonogram room white as a ghost and shaking in disbelief of what I just saw. Next they put me in the office where I was to meet with the doctor. I just sat there during that period of waiting repeating over and over, “Can you believe this”. As the news had not quite set in yet (and 3 weeks later, I’m still not sure it has set in), the rest of the conversation was kind of a blur in some respects.

First the doctor came in and said “Congratulations” and then he shook my husband’s and then my hand. He then sat down and started telling me about vitamins which believe you me, I take plenty of on my own. He told me that I could pretty much eat whatever I wanted in moderation. “If you want sushi, have sushi.” He then went on to tell me that he thinks all that stuff is a bunch of “bullshit” and as long as I eat what I want in moderation, I should be OK. He did however tell me to limit sugar and I pointed out that it was Christmas and I would be having my cookies. He then went on to tell me that Tums and Tylenol for pain are pretty much the only things I can have. He may have mentioned a few other cold medications, but never getting sick much or taking those over the counter cold remedies when I do, I did not pay much attention or think to write them down. (All I can say is our poor child because I was sitting with pen and notepad on my lap and my husband was sitting with pen and notebook on his…… The two anal parents to be!)

After this, he asked about my last period which I told him was hard to determine since I had one that was so irregular for me back towards the end of November and that my last “normal” period was in October. He told me that it is perfectly normal for some woman to get their periods when they are pregnant. (Now isn’t that some scary news for the woman out there who take that as a sign they are in the clear when they have a pregnancy scare or romp without protection in the heat of the moment.) Anyway, getting back to my story…….after confirming my last normal period, he pulled out this little round wheel and told me that it makes sense (I guess based on what the sonogram tech had found) and that he is going to estimate my due date as July 30th. The sonogram tech came up with July 28th and since it only differs by 2 days, he is leaving it as the 30th. (Again, my money is on the 26th- my father’s birthday!)

Once he was done with that, he said…. “Now because of your age…….” and he went on to ramble about all sorts of statistics. The nitty gritty of what he was saying is that because of my age, I am at a much higher risk of having a baby with Down’s Syndrome or some other sort of chromosomal abnormality. He then went on to tell me about the tests he was going to perform on me and the baby to determine any chance or probability of these things. He told me about some more invasive test that could be preformed but that would give more accurate results. Following the descriptions of the test, he then went into the odds and some more statistics that those tests resulted in such as the likelihood of miscarrying. He told me that I did not need to answer him at the current moment, but went down a list of tests and time frames that they would be done.

Between 12-14 weeks they were going to do an Ultrascreen which is a sort of sonogram where they look at the thickness of the fluid that has build up behind the fetus’ neck and take measurements. They then do some blood work on me to check for 2 types of proteins that may be in my blood. Between the two- they give you a probability that your baby will have some sort of defect or chromosomal problem including having Down’s Syndrome. He said the Ulrascreen test is about 80% accurate but that if we need to know 100%, they can do some of the more invasive tests for more accurate and detailed results.

At 20 weeks they do some additional blood work for something that I can not recall at the time since he was talking much faster than I could write. And the last thing I can recall at the moment is that they will be doing some sort of fancy ultrasound of sonogram in the second trimester to look more closely at all the organs. He then went on to mention that if the organs have appeared to form properly, then usually there is a very low risk that there will be other abnormalities with the baby. (Hey- look at me- I guess it was not as much a blur as I thought as I seem to remember quite a bit)

After talking with the doctor for a bit, he took me to a room where I thought he was going to feel me all up and do his thing but he just did a bunch of blood work. I had read they do all sorts of things at your first pre-natal visit but as some of them are very similar to your annual exam, I guess he felt it was OK to bypass this step as I was just there in late September for those tests. He took several vials of blood and I wish he had let the nurse do so since he managed to bruise my arm in the process and I had to walk around looking like a junkie for the better part of 2 weeks. My bruise has just barely healed up in time for him to take more blood…Lucky me! The doctor also had me sign a consent form to do an AIDS check on me. Apparently they can check the mother during pregnancy or if the mother does not give consent to run an AIDS test, the state of New York holds the right to automatically start poking needles into your child in the hospital at birth.

We left the doctor’s office that evening and I still was trying to process all that had just happened. Meanwhile my husband was happy as can be. He had already begun thinking up creative ways to tell people and wanted to know who I wanted to tell first. I immediately answered, “NO ONE”! I needed to digest this all. Thinking your home test is a mistake and then finding out you are almost 9 weeks along is a bit shocking and hard to wrap your head around. Besides that, I had always heard that the first trimester was the most difficult in terms of potential things such as miscarriage happening. I had it in my head that something was going to go wrong. Well that and some crazy psychic once told me I had a miscarriage and since I was pretty sure I would have known, I figured maybe she was predicting the future at the time and not the past. Aside from the fear that something would go wrong with the pregnancy itself, the doctor had me thinking that something would be wrong with the baby. Now if you have been following my blog for the past few years, you should probably know by now that I always jump to the worst possible outcome in preparation for bracing myself for bad news. Hey…what can I say, I am a worrier by nature.

The doctor went over all his statistics and started off with “At your age…” and well, he had me deathly afraid my kid would be missing a brain, have three arms, 4 eyes or some other crazy thing wrong with it. Not knowing what to expect and thinking something could go wrong with me or be wrong with the baby, I was determined to keep this quiet as long as I could. I have a cousin who sent out a blast e-mail to the entire family a few years back that his wife was pregnant and they had just seen the baby’s heartbeat for the first time and were so excited. Well long story short, the very next day he sent a follow up e-mail that his wife had just miscarried and they were deeply upset and to please respect their privacy at this time. I certainly didn’t want to follow in their footsteps.

I contemplated telling our immediate families only but my mom is like Western Union and I have a feeling my mother-in-law would be the same way. I hate to say it, but truth be told, I don’t know that I would trust my mother to keep a secret if her life depended on it. I figured we would wait to see how things progress and then make that call when the time seems right for us and for me.

On Friday it is my mother’s birthday and also the eve of my father’s passing. ( I can’t believe it is 2 years already) I contemplated telling my mother on her birthday to deflect and negative connotations that day may have for her as a result of events with my father’s passing. I even went out to buy a birthday card that says, “Happy Birthday Grandma”. When she acted all confused, I would simply say that she is a Grandma as my brother recently became a father. Then I was going to put my sonogram photos inside. I’m still on the fence with the idea but on Monday, January 16th, I go back to the doctor for another sonogram and those tests he mentioned that may indicate with about and 80% degree of accuracy if something may be wrong with the baby.

While my mother is excited to be a Grandmother, she frequently comments that she never gets to see my brother’s kid and that I need to have one of my own because at least she knows she would get to see that one. I just know that my mom would be excited as can be and I think my in-laws would be as well but I would just hate to get everyone so excited and then have to turn around and tell them that something is seriously wrong with the baby a week or so later. I guess I feel that we have made it this far so what will a few more weeks hurt? After all, it is one thing if my husband and I have to deal with disappointment, but I don’t want to put everyone else through it as well. So for now, with less than a week to go for the tests, I have decided to keep this news to myself for just a while longer.

And if I am being honest with everyone, there is another and probably a more selfish reason that I don’t want to tell people yet - I am secretly enjoying the peace and quiet. I just know that as soon as the news gets out my phone will be ringing off the hook. People will want to know details. Every little conversation will be about the baby, everyone offering me advice or trying to ascertain how I feel, how big I got or how much weight I have put on so far. For just a little while longer I want to enjoy the tranquility of my normal everyday life.

Oh, and for the record- I only gained about 5lbs or so. It has been going up or down a pound or two a week depending on how much I eat and how much food sits in my stomach when I weigh myself. There are days when my regular pants feel like they will bust at the seams and other days when they fit so so. I can tell you that I am getting a bit rounder or definitely feel that my clothes fit differently, but so far I am wearing all my normal clothes and so the secret pregnancy news continues on.

It may be another week or two before I have results of the tests and based on that, I suppose my husband and I will start considering telling people. Around that time, I should also be at the end of my first trimester and I think after seeing the baby for a second time, it may seem a bit more real this time around. I’m not sure what I am supposed to feel like, but with the exception of being nauseous at times and tired, I feel the same as I did before. I have heard that until you start to show or you feel the baby move around inside of you, it does not feel like reality. I guess that must be the case with me. Regardless, I am not sure when I will get the chance to write again, but I will definitely update you after the tests are preformed and I get some information regarding the results. Everyone please keep your fingers crossed for me and the baby who this week is the size of a Fig according to the baby website I registered for.

I read what I can to keep current and try and understand the changes my body will be going through, yet it does not seem real. So far I have tried to remain unattached in the event something goes wrong. I don’t know how much longer I can do so, but for now most days I go on as if nothing happened and nothing is changing. And then there is my husband. In the first few days and weeks after finding out, he got a baby book and carried it around like a Bible- upstairs, downstairs, on the train with him to work. I just laugh at him. I asked if he thought maybe I would like to read it since I was the one actually having the baby. So I came home from work one day and he apparently got another one from the library and I found one copy on my nightstand and one copy on his.

When he first found out, he was convinced it was going to be a beautiful girl like her momma. After seeing the first sonogram, he is now convinced it is a strapping young man. He asked me one day what names I liked and while I felt premature in thinking of any waiting to see how the tests worked out, I did ask him what names he liked since he obviously had given it more thought than I had. He gave me his list and all where boy names. When I asked what his girl names were, he told me there were none since it is going to be a boy. He has since picked out a name that he likes (and truth be told, I like it too) and has begun referring to the baby under his/ her assumed name. All I do is laugh at him and say, that I am going to laugh real hard if they tell us it is a girl. I then remind him that he may be setting himself up for disappointment. He assures me that he will be equally as happy if it is a girl and then tries to convert the male name to female equivalent which I don’t know that I like so much. I guess we will cross that bridge when we get to it. For now, I am just hoping for healthy- we can worry about boy or girl later. Oh and for the record, despite that little incident that occurred in Rhode Island about a year and a half ago…I just know that my husband will make a wonderful father.

Until I write again…….