Damned if I do, Damned if I don’t….

All is quiet on the home front, and then BAM- everything happens all at once, but isn’t that usually the way of it. Things have been progressing nicely with my pregnancy. As a matter of fact, I go for a level 2 sonogram in 2 days where they check the formation of all the organs. The doctor said that if there are no malformations, then most likely there is a low risk of other defects, chromosomal issues, Down’s Syndrome or the Trisomies they tested for with all the blood work they did previously.

So far all my blood work has come back normal so I decided not to bother with the amniocentesis unless they found something of concern. My last doctors appointment was about 4 weeks ago and all they did was more blood work and then the doctor listened for a fetal heartbeat. I was concerned since at that point I had stopped feeling queasy all day long, was not really showing yet and felt like I could be a human fish bowl carrying around a dead fish. Yes I know I am dramatic, but I heard of a woman that had a miscarriage at 20 weeks. She went for a routine test and they found no heartbeat and she was much further along than I was at the time. So when all other symptoms calm down and you are in that in-between stage, you wonder if there is really anything in there. Luckily he was easily able to detect a fetal heartbeat that sounded strong so I guess there was a living fish in my fish bowl after all.

Now I know for sure that there is a fish in my bowl. About a week and a half ago, I felt the baby moving around for the first time. At first I was sitting on the sofa and the weirdest feeling came across me to the point I said out loud, “What the hell?” Then I felt, thump, thump, thump and I wondered if it was possible. The book said it was around the time I should feel the baby start to move but not knowing what to expect I was not quite sure. That night lying in bed, I felt it again. To be honest, it gave me the chills as it was a very eerie feeling. Some days I get a bigger thud and other days, well the best I can describe it is like having a pulse in your lower abdomen. Almost like when you heart is racing and you feel a vein pulsating… kind of like that, but a bit weirder. A racing pulse normally does not give you the heebie geebies though.. Anyway, I am now somewhat use to it, but as the baby gets larger, God help me. I can already tell it is not going to feel pretty.

With the exception of being exhausted, I really can’t complain. I’ve had a pretty good pregnancy so far. I know part of the exhaustion is the pregnancy, but the other part is that I constantly push myself to the limits and do too much. You think after all these years I would have learned….. but nope. I started up the walk that I do every year in memory of my father through the American Liver Foundation. Rather than the usual hounding of people for donations, I have organized two events in addition to the actual walk which I am once again struggling to build a team for. I sign my mom up each year and she goes and is happy to provide food the day of the event, but as for asking for donations and fundraising, she is pretty much useless most of the time. I have to do everything for her, including register her for the walk and send e-mails to her friend. So all it really does is create work for me. My brother never really takes much of an interest. Not his thing and he can’t be bothered. After he told me I was wasting my time the first year, I have learned my lesson never to ask again. My sister in law was quick to jump on the band wagon this year offering to help with this and that and to raise funds, but then she was also quick to bail on me when something more exciting with her friends came up. Let’s just say for various reasons which time does not permit me to get into right now, my brother and my sister in law are pretty much at the top of my shit list. (Oh, how I wanted to write about it, but like I said when I started….everything happens at once.)

So before I get back to the original reason I started to write, I will quickly tell you that in addition to the walk (which I have been informed by my sister in law that I put too much work into and need to scale it down), I have also organized a jewelry party for the ladies. A friend sells cute stuff for reasonable prices and has agreed to donate 40% of the sales to the charity. In my spare time (which there is not much of), I make flyers, send out e-mails, organize the event, plan food and raffle prizes and send around catalogs. My sister in law was coming and bringing a bunch of her friends….that is until a party at a friends house came about and she changed her mind about a family charity obligation and took her friends along with her. (One reason she is on my shit list, but trust me, there are many more!)

And lastly, I have organized a night of comedy for a cause. I had to sign a contract and leave a small deposit, but basically whatever I sell the tickets for, I can donate to the charity. Of course I asked around to see who was willing to help sell tickets before I signed the contract and I got a bunch of takers, and now I have 100 tickets to sell and my sister in law found her way out of this one as well. (But there are still more reasons she is on my list and they are not all charity and promises of commitment related.) But while I am ranting about my sister in law, let me just say that perhaps the reason I am so disappointed with her and my brother is because I am person of my word. If I commit to someone that I will do something or help with something or meet someone somewhere at a certain time, I keep my word. I would never bail or not show up when expected and not even have the decency to call, but I guess in the grand scheme of things, that is what makes me a better person and a person of integrity. Well enough about them… I can go on and on and I already got side tracked.


So here I am at 20 weeks. The baby is kicking around inside of me (usually after I eat and when I lie down to go to bed). I go for a sonogram in 2 days to make sure that everything is forming correctly and then hopefully (child to be cooperating) they will be able to determine the sex of the baby. I have to be honest; I am actually for the first time in my entire pregnancy excited for a doctor visit. I am excited to know what is growing so rapidly inside of me. I am excited to see if my husband is right or wrong. He is so convinced it is a boy that he now has me thinking that maybe it is. At this point, I would almost be shocked if it was a girl, but I would be happy either way. I have come to grips that I may have a son peeing all over the place and taking over my TV with sports rather than a little girl I can dress up in cute clothes and bake cookies with. I guess time will tell. The baby is about 10 inches long now, the size of a banana, give or take. I feel the baby moving inside of me and am told around now, the baby can hear voices. Each night my husband pulls down my pants and lays his head on my stomach desperately hoping he will hear the baby’s heartbeat or possibly feel it move. It is the cutest thing and I can’t wait for him to be able to feel the baby moving inside of me. He is going to be so excited. He has had his issues in the past related to other children, but I know he will be a good father and love this baby to death.

Perhaps it is normal, but I am a bit overwhelmed with everything. There is so much going on at work, which is why I originally sat down to write. Then there is home and feeling overwhelmed with life in general. Stressing over three fundraising events simultaneously adds to the mix I’m sure, but there is a part of me that worries how life will change after the baby comes. I step up and do what I need to do, but I have to be honest and say that I wonder if my husband will step up to the plate when the baby comes. I worry that the majority of the burden will fall on me and I am already feeling so much stress and pressure and the baby is not even here yet. I know things will only get harder and more challenging and I wonder if we are each up for the challenge. I suppose time will tell, but for now, let me get back to work stress.

As I just said, I am at 20 weeks now. I have been looking pudgy and was always thin so God only knows what people at work must be thinking. They probably think I got married and went to shit with myself. For the record, I have only gained about 10lbs and get up every morning and exercise for about 20-30 minutes before work. The problem is my stomach has all the sudden popped. It is like it happened overnight. I went from looking like I gained some weight, to having a little hard and roundness to the pudge. Right about now, it is pretty hard to conceal the fact of what is going on. It is in the upper 60’s this week and I am still wearing winter clothes and sweaters to try and conceal my pregnancy some and it is just not working. If people knew, I would not mind as much that my regular clothes show off my new form, but I have not told anyone at work yet.

Ok, you are probably wondering why I am 20 weeks – literally half way through my pregnancy and I have not told work. Well I am about to tell you. First off, I worry. I worry that something will go wrong or something will be wrong and so I keep quiet. I wait for test upon test result to come back and they all take place at a much later stage in the pregnancy. Then I was afraid to open my mouth. I was not feeling queasy yet not feeling the baby move or really showing at the time, so it still did not feel real to me I suppose. I got to a point where I thought that perhaps I should just tell people, but how the hell do you go about telling work that you handle some of the most vital functions, but will be out for several weeks to have a baby and then reassure them to the point they believe you that you are coming back (although I would prefer not to)? Do I tell everyone at once during our weekly staff meeting or do I tell me boss first and then my peers? Any my boss is a male- is he really going to understand?

Well let me just say this. I finally get to the point in my pregnancy about 2 weeks ago where I feel the time is right to tell everyone and then all hell breaks loose. A spot opened up and one of my co-workers put in for it. The manager of my department who is 25 and has no business being in that role does pretty much nothing. There was already a plan in place to get rid of her which would take some hard work since the Director puts her on a pedestal. Then all the sudden the Administrator who handles all our benefits decides she want to move into another part of the company as it would be a promotion, a fresh start and a better opportunity for her. Through ramblings from the Controllers office, the Administrator and I already knew, unbeknownst to the Director of my department, that is she left, they were not going to replace her. Since they now can’t phase out the 25 year old manager that serves no purpose, the plan is to split up the Administrator’s job, pass the majority of it to “The Little One” as they call her and have her earn her keep around there.

Well playing dumb, my Director calls me in and informs me that we will be losing someone on the team, he needs me to draft up a job description and a posting asap and to think if there are any of her functions I may want to take on as I have expressed interest in the past in wanting to do other things in the field of HR. At the time, I told him I would very much like to learn the benefits side and if we hired another administrator, there were some clerical recruitment functions I would like to pass off and he seemed to agree. He also told me that he was thinking out loud, but was going to see if maybe he could get me a title change and possibly shift some of the money my way since anyone replacing the current administrator would be brought in at a lower pay rate. So here you begin to see my dilemma. I am about to break the news of my pregnancy when a promotion of sorts and a raise are thrown my way.

It is against the law if you will to deny a pregnant woman a job she is interviewing for if qualified and you are not allowed to deny a pregnant woman promotion, advancement or training because of her “temporary disability status”. But I think we all know what is right and what happens are two entirely different things. I would like to think my manager would do the right thing but the CFO/ owner’s sister doesn’t always do things by the book and is quick to judge people’s personal lives. She once caught me interviewing a woman who granted was very obese but also extremely qualified. The hiring manager and I both liked her and wanted to proceed when I was called into the CFO’s office and told that under no circumstances was I to hire that woman. Comments where made about her weight, speculation was made about her medical condition, increasing health insurance costs, excessive use of sick time etc, etc… Oh then there was my personal favorite …..an increased Staples bill from broken chairs each week. That was of course if they could even find a chair big enough according to the CFO.

For the record, obesity is not a protected class. Making decisions and jumping to conclusions about a person’s medical condition or any disabilities they may have starts to touch upon another issue and can be considered discrimination and runs the risk of legal issues. But the bottom line in this case, the CFO gets what the CFO wants and if you cross her, you are not long for this world. And as you see, she approves the money, but is also quick to turn it down and jump to erroneous conclusions.

Well let me fast forward a week. It is decided that the Administrator will be promoted to this new area and the CFO told my Director that a replacement was not to be hired and to split up the work. The original point was to make “The Little One” earn her keep and actually do some work, but that plan kind of failed. I got my wish, I got handed the benefits administration and basically all the hard work that involved organization, attention to detail and dealing with the employee population (not “The Little One’s” strongest suits) but I also kept all my other work. I need the experience in other areas to springboard my career down the line so I kept my mouth shut in fear that the work would be redistributed and not in my favor if they knew of my situation. I was also promised a new role/ title within the department and my Director said he was going to work on getting me more money.

The first week this took place, my Director looked stressed and if I told him, he would have most likely ended up in the hospital and then rethought his original plan of my workload. Oh I forgot to mention, I am due pretty much at the same time “The Little One” is getting married and will be on her honeymoon. So from a department of 4 down to 1……can you say stressful. The second week this happened, we were all stressed and trying to adjust to our new roles and get comfortable in our own skin. I contemplated telling my Director towards the end of the week, but then he sent me an e-mail that he was going to meet with “the powers that be” ie: the CFO in the upcoming week regarding my compensation. Now once all is said and done and I get my promotion and my raise, it bodes very poorly for them if they should start giving me hassle especially if I sign documents and then all the sudden they reneg after my news is announced.

But was it really in my best interest to tell them before the fact? I certainly did not want them to have any ammunition or cause to find reason to justify why I was all the sudden not worth what I am was worth before the news of a baby on the way. And so here we are going into week three of this mess. My lips are sealed but I think the tighter I close my mouth, the larger my stomach gets in turn. To anyone else it may not be an issue or as noticeable, but I was thin, very thin according to some and for anyone that knows me and my physique before this whole ordeal, it is very obvious at this point that it is more than having gained a bit of weight. I have run out of clothing to conceal my instantaneously formed baby bump and I am most certainly running out of time for the Director to get my money approved.

My biggest fear is that if I say something now, it is completely going to backfire in my face. If I wait until it is all a done deal, I risk that my Director will be pissed at me for not speaking up sooner and having me start handling a key function in the department only to have me not be there for a few months while other members of the department are out. Recruiting (for this company at least since they are so unorganized) and benefits administration for 2 facilities, 2 shifts and several contractors nationwide are two of the most critical HR functions in the department, and they now reside with me…..until further notice. So my problem is that if I open my mouth, I may have my promotion/raise shot down or if I keep quiet and then say something after the fact, I risk having my direct manager be annoyed that I waited so long when I clearly should have said something so long ago. And so as I see it, I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Everyone I ask tells me to keep quiet for as long as possible as they know the outcome will not be in my favor but I am getting to the point where a carrot was dangled in my face, but I have no idea how long until I taste it. It could be another month and while my manager is good about making any pay be retroactive, I can’t wait that long….I am looking pregnant now.

Part of me just wants to say something so I can wear whatever, look round and proud and not have to waste an hour of time in the closet trying to find the right outfit to cover my bulge. Then the other part of me wants to wait until Friday. At least by then I will have had my test done and hopefully be reassured that all is well with my baby. And well……I am hoping that by that time - maybe, just maybe something will be done about my compensation.

It has been hectic, real, real hectic this past week and a half. Trying to adjust to new job functions, being handed 15 new jobs to recruit for in the past week and a half and then stressing over sharing the baby news. I have been putting in crazy hours at the office just trying to get situated and caught up. Each day I go in with a game plan and it just never happens. Some issue gets me pulled in an entirely different direction or the CFO comes up with a new staffing change that involves more work for me and my life being hell. After 5pm it gets quiet in the office. Most of the people leave, the phones stop ringing, the e-mails slow down and I can get work done. So I stay for what I originally intend to be 30-45 minutes extra which ends up turning into an hour and a half Monday, 2 hours tonight and God only knows what tomorrow brings. I have a seminar on Friday and need to leave early on Thursday for the sonogram which has to be done at a local hospital and of course is only done during work hours. So I am trying frantically to get caught up and get ahead of things but the harder I work, the further I manage to feel from accomplishing my objectives.

Two weeks ago, I got contacted to go work for a Fortune 500 company to do my one recruitment function for 30-35K more than what I am making now. Had it not been for baby on the way, my resume is ready to go and I would have jumped on it. I am already underpaid (significantly) and now I am basically doing the work of 2 full time people. If they pull some crap and I don’t get my money- they just f’ed with the wrong redhead. I’ll stick it out until the baby gets here. I won’t work as hard, I will stop giving a damn and I will convince them I am coming back so they pay my portion of the benefits while on maternity leave, but then I have every intention of f’ing them right back when they expect me to return. I am big on principle and doing the right thing and if they screw me, I refuse to go back there. I will pick neighborhood garbage to collect bottles to recycle for extra cash to make ends meet, but I refuse to work for a company that has blatant disregard for their employees and I most certainly refuse to be the face of the company that tries to convince people what a great company it is to work for.

I suppose only time will tell which way this disaster will blow. In the meantime while I contemplate my decision for a few more days, it is getting late and I now need to go up to my closet and spend about an hour trying on clothing to hide my bump for another day.

Until I write again……..