Headed to the Chapel in the Sand

In 4 days I will be boarding a plane headed for St. Lucia. While I am in desperate need of a vacation, this trip will serve a three-fold purpose; that of vacation, destination wedding and parental chaperoned honeymoon. Honestly, I can live without the last part but in the end, I will be so glad they were there. Life is too short to have regrets. It would have been one thing if my mother did not want to go, but she honestly did and having lost my father last year, I was not about to deny her that or the memories it would create for us for years to come.

My fiancé and I have both been down this road before and the second time around, we tried to keep it simple, about us and as stress free as possible but I am not so certain that the words “wedding” and “stress free” ever go together. It started out about us, became about other people and so we flipped it around and made it about us again. Originally it was to be the two of us on the beach getting married followed by some sort of family gathering/ celebration when we returned. Now that the parents are going, we don’t feel this overwhelming need to have a dinner for the sake of going out to eat. To eliminate the awkwardness of people that did not know we were engaged let alone remarried, we both agreed a simple announcement would be best. Most close family already knows we are getting married (they just may not know the exact date). A simple announcement that we had a small intimate wedding on the beach in St. Lucia will hopefully get the message out without having people feel left out from a formal invite to a bigger affair. Besides, we don’t feel the need to spend money on things that don’t matter in the end or to have people feel compelled to give us gifts. We are both already set with whatever it is that we need.

Up until a few weeks ago, I was super excited. I mean, I still am, but as we get closer, things run through my mind. I was really doing fine until I asked my mom if she was excited about going away and she told me that she would decide when she got there. Despite everyone’s best efforts to get her a travelling companion, she will be flying solo and is wondering if she will be lonely and depressed when she gets down there. She then told me that she went to the cemetery and the landscaper must think she is nuts because she started yelling at my father for leaving her and for putting her in this situation.

This got me to thinking and then my heart started to break for her. I was so wrapped up in my own life and happiness that I never for one moment stopped to think about how she must be feeling. I mean I did way back when. I tried to avoid putting her in this situation but she insisted that she go. At the current moment, I had become more concerned with not being able to escape her and having to babysit her for much of my honeymoon that I never stopped to think how it must be for her to have to make a trip for this reason. Sure she is happy to see her baby get married (again) but to watch a union of two people as you stand there alone having lost your partner in life - I can’t even begin to imagine how that must make her (or anyone for that matter) feel.

Not that I can ever forget him as he was a very significant part or my life, but I have been trying to not think of my father. I know that he will be there and he would be happy and who knows, maybe even proud of me, yet I have been trying not to think about him and his absence at this major event in my life. It may sound selfish, but while I was initially upset it was just going to be the two of us, it also made it OK because if no one was there, I wouldn’t be forced to deal with who should have been there but was not.

As we get closer, despite my attempts to keep happy and positive, it has become harder and harder. People keep pushing my father to the forefront of my mind. My mother started it off, followed by messages from friends and family member that my dad will be looking down on me or that he would be proud of how thing turned out for me. I’ve been contemplating going to the cemetery before the trip to just get it out of my system but I can’t bring myself to go lately. I mean it is not like he is going anywhere and I know that all I would do is sit there and cry hysterically. What purpose would that serve? But there is part of me that knows it may be best for me to just cry real hard and get it out of my system and hopefully move on. I am hoping and praying that my mother holds it together because if not, it could be very bad. It will be like a repeat of my brother’s wedding where he cried the entire day from beginning to end.

Putting the emotions of the event aside, I mentioned that stress free and wedding never go together. I found out last week that while we should be coming home with a marriage certificate in hand, it will not be a US document. To do any sort of name changing, the DMV will not accept that. Social Security and any other entity I need to change documents/ names through will accept the certificate, but not the Department of Motor Vehicles. As there is apparently no place to record an out of state union in the US, I was basically informed that I would have to go to the local town hall and apply for a marriage certificate for a second ceremony and then get married again in the US. Here in starts the wedding stress. It also defeats the excitement and romanticism of getting married on a tropical beach if you have to come home and have a town hall wedding or as I call it, a “DMV wedding”.

I have to admit that the entire idea has me uneasy and anxious. I like for everything to be settled and not have loose ends hanging and this scenario has me anything but feeling settled. I figured out the process, but still, I should not have to go through all this effort. I am torn between finding a loop hole in the DMV system, getting it done the day we get back to get it over with or waiting and then planning something that those family member who were not at the “REAL” wedding could attend. This has me contemplating why we decided to do this so fast. It has me once again planning for everyone else and it has me wishing I would have known this in advance because I definitely may have planned differently. And then there is the other side of me that says people gave us such a hard time in the first place and do they really care that I am getting married for the second time? Probably not, so why is it that I find myself caring so much about them?

And since I am on the subject of thinking…..as we get closer, I find myself in a weird or should I say very emotional neutral mood. I am happy and excited. I love the man I will spend the rest of my life with and would do anything for him. I wouldn’t trade him in for the world, yet I find myself asking the question WHY? Why am I getting married again? Technically other than some possible name changes and making our partnership legally binding, I don’t know that much would change between the two of us and how we relate to each other now. I guess if you really wanted to drill down to it, it comes down to fear and self doubt. I came from a place where I failed. My fault or my ex’s- I still feel as if I failed at marriage once before and while I know that things are completely different this time around, I still failed and wonder WHY it is that I am putting myself in that position once again.

It is horrible for me to even enter into something like this thinking that it will fail before it even starts, but you never know where life is going to take you. I never imagined things would go so terribly wrong the first time. Granted looking back, hindsight is 20/20 and I know now that things were never right from the beginning but never did I get married thinking it would go in a completely different direction.

While I have tried so hard to tear them down, I have to admit that I have put up walls to protect me (or my emotional well being). I wish I did not have the emotional baggage or scarring that I have, but I do and sometimes I reflect back upon in and it makes me wonder WHY? I never had a “true partnership” in the past and I can say now that I honestly do. He looks out not only for him and for me, but for us. We discuss major decisions and purchases and nothing about our relationship is one sided which is very new to me and also very refreshing at the same time. We are our own people, yet we are one when we are together. Sure we get on each other’s nerves at times, but at the end of the day, the little things don’t matter because we love each other and we are good for one another. I just hate that my past has me scared, questioning why and making it hard to tear down those walls completely. But make no mistake about it, on October 20, 2011 I will be walking barefoot in the sand with a cool breeze blowing through my hair and the palm trees that surround me. The sounds of beautiful turquoise waters crashing to the shore will be heard in the distance as I say “I do” to the most wonderful person to ever enter my life.

Until I write again…..